Feeling left out

To me, this sounds like a lot of fuss over nothing. It does not say that the DIL told her own mother about the scan, it could have been that after the scan and phone call she said lets not tell anyone about the placenta being low, so the son asked his mother not to say he had already told her.

It would seem that you do not like each other, that being the case then I can understand why she does not visit you. If you want to see your grandchild then arrange it with your son, if he wants you to see the child he can bring him to visit you.

There was no need to say you have helped them financially, the money does not buy you anything, You want them to see you because they want to not because of what you have given them.

Message deleted by Gransnet. Here's a link to our Talk guidelines.

I still think that the son made a big error of judgment.
Even if he wasn’t asked specifically not to discuss it with his mother, he must have known how things were between them, and he surely didn’t imagine telling his mother his wife’s private medical condition was a good idea.

Surely the most important aspect of this is the relationship between the couple. If she asks him not to tell anyone yet, he should ask when she would be happy to tell his parents.
If one asks the other not to do something, and they promptly do it, isn't that a breach of trust?

MoaningTurtle

Thanks so much for your kind suggestion Welbeck but I won’t need it.
I keep my mouth firmly shut which is why I seek support elsewhere.
As long as I’m a good girl and do exactly as I’m told whilst DIL can make no effort at all it will all be fine and dandy.

As a MIL, I would say probably yes, we have to be the conciliatory ones. Having a baby is a stressful experience for both the mum (obviously! Physically and emotionally) and the dad (his own concerns about mum & baby, and trying to support the mum through her stresses). They don't need grandparents doing anything other than being supportive. On GN we hear of so many estrangements, and imo it's the grandparents who need to keep things as calm as possible.

montymops - if the daughter-in-law is part of two families now (as you say), then she is part of her own little family and the family she was born into (or brought up in).

She is also involved in a third family (her husband's birth family)... Maybe if the relationship can be improved she will become part of that third family. At the moment it feels, sadly, a fairly hostile place.
I hope that her father-in-law is welcoming, open and non-judgemental - as this could be the way new and more positive relationships could be forged.

If we don't want our young people to "buy into" the dreadful MIL scenario which is rather sadly prevalent, we have to show them that we are good MIL's. We don't do that by trampling over their feelings, trying to buy respect with money or discussing her negatively with our other DIL's. We have to apologise for our mistakes (God knows I've made a few) and build on any positives we can find in our relationship. It isn't always easy but if we persist in our"rights" about our grandchildren, we soon learn exactly who has those rights and it is very difficult to come back from there.
I'm not saying it is easy to look inside yourself to see where you might be acting "entitled" but I think you would be helping yourself and your relationship if you could take on board some of the views about the right to privacy, the right to feelings you may not agree with and your lack of rights in regard to your grandchildren. You don't have to agree with them, you just have to accept them because they are the reality.

I’d talk to your son and ask how to deal with it. I’d explain how you feel. I know one of my dil resented what she saw as intrusive behaviour when I thought I was being helpful.

Smileless2012

The d.i.l. is the one who is wrong here Hithere, not the OP's son. She is carrying their child and as the father of that child he has every right to share any news/concerns with his own mother.

The OP feels left out because it appears that her d.i.l. doesn't want her to be included. Her son has every right to confide in his own mother about the progress of the pregnancy of his and his wife's child.

Totally agree with you Smileless.
I’m not surprised MoaningTurtle is feeling left out and hurt. The baby is the baby of both the son and his wife, and it is the grandchild of both the mothers. If the information is to be shared then both parents have the right to share it, or neither should share it. It’s hardly being announced to the entire family on both sides, the parents are sharing with their mothers. It’s natural and completely normal.

DIL is in the wrong for what?

DIL "please can we not share this information)

How is that wrong?

Maybe she just wanted the time to process the information herself before dealing with other people's feelings about it

DIL has done literally nothing wrong

So much entitlement

The baby isn’t the patient. The mother is. Ergo, the information is hers to decide who gets it or not. The father literally has no right to the information, unless she gives permission.

I really don’t understand how basic privacy laws are so willingly ignored.

I think it's natural and normal too maddy, at least it was for us when we were having our boys.

I had a low-lying placenta. Trust me, it really was no-one else’s business. Luckily those who did not know about it didn’t feel left out!

Your son has every right to share info about the baby. It's his child too. Yes you are being left out, and he should put his foot down now. Start as you mean to go on.

The uterus belongs to a different person than the baby, last time I checked

It might be his baby but it’s not his body, not his medical complications. He has no right to share information about his wife’s body or medical condition with anyone.

songstress60

Your son has every right to share info about the baby. It's his child too. Yes you are being left out, and he should put his foot down now. Start as you mean to go on.

Put his foot down about what, exactly? I will never understand anyone feeling they are entitled to be "involved" in someone else's pregnancy. If they aren't carrying the baby or adopting the baby, if it isn't their egg or sperm, and they didn't put it in there, they don't have a role in the pregnancy. What exact role did MIL have in creating this baby? Did grandma hold DIL's wrists down as dad impregnated his wife? Was she standing over the bed cheering them on? DIL isn't a grandchild incubator. This isn't the Handmaids Tale. She is a person with the right to medical privacy.

Where does the OP say she's entitled to be involved in her d.i.l's pregnancy Mama?

You're right, it isn't her egg or her sperm, it's her son's sperm so if her son wants to share any news and/or concerns with his mother about the their (his and his wife's child) that she's carrying, why shouldn't he?

I think it's safe to assume that he's not dictating to his wife who she can and cannot talk too about the pregnancy, so what gives her the right to dictate to him?

All this rubbish about her body, her uterus etc., she's carrying their baby.

I can't believe how little respect people have for DILs like they are walking incubators

I hope I never treat my DILs so badly

Smileless2012

Where does the OP say she's entitled to be involved in her d.i.l's pregnancy Mama?

You're right, it isn't her egg or her sperm, it's her son's sperm so if her son wants to share any news and/or concerns with his mother about the their (his and his wife's child) that she's carrying, why shouldn't he?

I think it's safe to assume that he's not dictating to his wife who she can and cannot talk too about the pregnancy, so what gives her the right to dictate to him?

All this rubbish about her body, her uterus etc., she's carrying their baby.

Only one of them is carrying this baby and only one of them is looking at the prospect of invasive abdominal surgery. It's her private medical information. She isn't an incubator. And it certainly isn't OP's baby.

OP's son was concerned and shared with his mother. Fine. He realized he probably shouldn't have shared his wife's private medical information and corrected course. Fine. What I find distressing is that rather than worrying about her DIL's health, she instead makes it all about herself and uses it as an opportunity to rail again her DIL. Her DIL wanting medical privacy = resenting MIL's existence??? It's incredibly narcissistic to take someone else's medical situation and make it all about them.

Mama2020

Smileless2012

Where does the OP say she's entitled to be involved in her d.i.l's pregnancy Mama?

You're right, it isn't her egg or her sperm, it's her son's sperm so if her son wants to share any news and/or concerns with his mother about the their (his and his wife's child) that she's carrying, why shouldn't he?

I think it's safe to assume that he's not dictating to his wife who she can and cannot talk too about the pregnancy, so what gives her the right to dictate to him?

All this rubbish about her body, her uterus etc., she's carrying their baby.

Only one of them is carrying this baby and only one of them is looking at the prospect of invasive abdominal surgery. It's her private medical information. She isn't an incubator. And it certainly isn't OP's baby.

OP's son was concerned and shared with his mother. Fine. He realized he probably shouldn't have shared his wife's private medical information and corrected course. Fine. What I find distressing is that rather than worrying about her DIL's health, she instead makes it all about herself and uses it as an opportunity to rail again her DIL. Her DIL wanting medical privacy = resenting MIL's existence??? It's incredibly narcissistic to take someone else's medical situation and make it all about them.

In fact, knowing that someone is the type to make something like this about them would be exactly the reason I'd ask my husband not to share with her. What's worse than troubling news in pregnancy? Someone else making your news all about them.

I hope your DIL's placenta moves on it's own, OP.

"OP's son was concerned and shared with his mother" I'm glad you can see that Mama; it's a pity that others can't.

I hope you never know or feel that your son is being instructed to keep things from you by your d.i.l. VS; things that he needs and wants to share.

I don't believe I am entitled to that information Smileless

I do not need to know

I would hope husband and wife support each other first and foremost and I am never going to be the sort of MIL who gets to heavily emotionally invested in their personal lives

This way estrangement lies. Sadly sometimes people just can’t heed the warnings.

Smileless2012

Where does the OP say she's entitled to be involved in her d.i.l's pregnancy Mama?

You're right, it isn't her egg or her sperm, it's her son's sperm so if her son wants to share any news and/or concerns with his mother about the their (his and his wife's child) that she's carrying, why shouldn't he?

I think it's safe to assume that he's not dictating to his wife who she can and cannot talk too about the pregnancy, so what gives her the right to dictate to him?

All this rubbish about her body, her uterus etc., she's carrying their baby.

Rubbish? Privacy and bodily autonomy are rubbish?

I’m genuinely appalled.