Daughter's weight gain

I left SW over 10 years ago with a loss of 2 stones which I have ( more or less) maintained since then. I weigh myself every day which helps keep me on track.
I know people say dont do that but it’s worked for me.

You mentioned that there were people with eating disorders in the family. This can be hereditary. Eating disorders are a form of addiction; anorexia, bulemia and overeating, and like any other addiction very difficult to control. Also some people do not have the gene that let’s them know they are full.
Your daughter is almost certainly battling with this problem. There are organisations that can help but I would not suggest them unless she reaches out for help. You are powerless over her eating habits.
All you can do is just accept things as they are, continue to serve healthy food to her. You sound like a loving and caring mother, just continue to support her and maybe have conversations that are nothing to do with food but are more about how she is feeling , how her life is going etc.

I was taught it was very rude to comment on anyone's weight, even daughters. She knows already and doesn't need you to tell her.

VioletSky

Don't say anything about her weight

Tell her she looks lovely in that dress

Tell her her hair looks nice

Tell her you are so proud of her

Love her as she is, help her love herself as she is.. then she will view any changes she would like make as smaller targets and more easily achievable

This ^

Most people know they are overweight and don't need reminding. Wait for her to ask for advice and then you can offer to help her push on with the GP.

If you live in Hampshire, there is a scheme for people to attend Slimming World free for 12 weeks at the moment. It helps people to make healthier choices without too much weighing! It is easier for ADHD sufferers...I know this because my daughter and I have this problem.

Nag the GPS. with the best will in the world they forget referrals….they are human after all. East Sussex runs a course which I went on. Was really useful, recipes, food diaries given out. Sure other areas do the same

All I would do is to focus on healthy eating and setting a good example when she stays. Avoid having any temptations in your kitchen when she's home - hide the chocs and biscuits!

I wouldn't even mention her weight unless/until asked about it.

Loads of people have gained weight with all the stress of Covid and lockdowns - and it's hardly surprising. Perhaps a family walk might help when she stays over?

As someone who has struggled with weight all my adult life I really feel for your daughter and for your hesitation as to whether you say anything. My advice would be, say nothing (she already knows) but when she is ready to do something herself be enthusiastically supportive and ask if there is anything you can do to support her. Maybe start walking together, or whatever. I lost 7 stone when I was 42. I felt great. Unfortunately, when I was 44 my Mum died of cancer. It hit me like a tonne of bricks. In hindsight I was clearly depressed. I didn’t get help and steadily put the weight back on. Life has been very difficult the last two or three years but I am emotionally ready to try to focus on my health again.

The reason I am telling you all of this is to make the point that your daughter will have to be ready. Nothing you can say will make a difference. Just be supportive for now and follow her lead.

I was diagnosed late in life with ADHD. Stimulant medication has controlled my binge eating disorder which I have had to deal with my whole life, not realising that my constant Dopamine fixes were found in food. I’ve been food and weight obsessed for as long as I can remember - perhaps a psychiatric referral to discuss suitable medication for your daughter’s ADHD may be the best course of action. It has been life changing for me and I’m now not binge eating or worrying about my weight any more and have lost 2.5 stone since January.

I think people feel pressurised to " go on a diet and go to the gym". Research shows this doesn't work in the long run and the connection between food and emotion needs to be explored.
How does your daughter feel? Does she see problems for her health or solely about looks. Of course everyone wants to look good and wear nice clothes but perhaps sharing concern for her health, risk of diabetes etc would be the way to go and offer to go to the GP with her.
I've just read a book called Ultra Processed People which takes blame from the person to the food manufacturers who've got us hooked on processed food( check out additives, even on sliced wholemeal bread)
There's not a single answer but offer to support your daughter in finding out what works for her.. and exercise is for fitness not losing weight as such( I spent 2 hrs at the gym and total calories was 300!)
GPs run weight loss groups and she may get a referral to a dietician. She would certainly need a blood test for thyroid function etc.
Having struggled with weight all my life, I'm happy now not to be super slim, but happy to be average and pretty fit.No forbidden food but treats are fine in moderation. Lots of plant based meals but still eat lots of fish and occasionally red meat.
Hopefully your daughter can learn to eat to live rather than the other way round. She's not alone, I see so many obese people now when it used to be a rarity.

If your dd is AdHd she may well have sensory issues which restrict her eating choices. Adhd is also considered to be a condition which gives the person less reward from dopamine which she may be using chocolate as a substitute. Doctors now can prescribe Slimming World sessions, which work, but you need to be organised and plan. I suspect this wouldnt be your daughters strong point.

..just to mention when blood test done for thyroid efficiency the gps still deem its fine with a TSH reading up to 4 . 6 (they measure it by TSH -thyroid stimulating hormone)
But it's not fine! There is a big contradiction here as if you ask an Endocrinologist they want your reading to be 2 or under 2! -
Average healthy young adult often 0.5 reading. Both my daughters are this, they checked as I became hypothyroid & put on weight low metabolism makes huge difference to how you burn food, it can affects all systems in you if you are running 'low' metabolism. (Any queries on this please look on Thyroid UK as they know it all, gp isn't trained in it)

Do sympathise. You care and want the best. My eldest is very overweight ( it scares me) but her thyroid fine btw. She had lost 3 stones when puts mind to it then it goes back on, she wants to loose 6. Im concerned as she nears peri menopause age in particular

Please do not mention it to her. I know you are concerned, but this isn’t an issue anyone should offer unsolicited advice on.

No matter the intent, offering unsolicited opinions on the weight, appearance, or eating habits is incredibly bad manners. That fact doesn’t change just because it’s a family member. You love her, but that doesn’t mean you can’t simultaneously be rude, even if uninterional.

*unintentional. My butter fingers are pretty bad today

Unless she asks you directly for help and advice I would leave her alone. I put on weight during COVID lockdowns. Still losing it slowly, very expensive. Good luck to her.

This is a difficult problem, Gabigirl - you have my sympathy!
You say your daughter won't go to a club like Slimming World on her own, but would she go if you went along to support her?
I understand that you don't need to lose any weight, but you don't have to stick to the meal plans yourself.
Maybe buy a SW or Weight Watchers magazine and leave it lying around to see if your daughter expresses interest. The recipes they provide look pretty good.
I do hope you find a solution. Best wishes, and good luck.

Just because you don't need to lose weight, it doesn't mean you oughtn't to go with her for support, does it? You will get more toned - and you will also be able to eat more, and exercise less outside this place, if you want. Also, the Pill causes weight gain. Can she not take it when the boyfriend is away>?

Has she had a thyroid check to see if it’s under active?

I have a 42 yr old daughter who is a lovely, kind, caring attractive person. She is size 22 and put on weight when her long term partner left her plus working from home during the pandemic has not helped. She has been on the contraceptive pill for too long in my view and she is size 22. She dresses well but does little exercise whereas I am the opposite. She has always been “big”. Even as a child she was head and shoulders above her peers. I tried to discuss her weight with her once but got it in the neck so I keep my counsel. She has to decide when to address her weight issues . Until then I carry on saying she looks well, she does, she dresses well and is a good daughter. I have no other solution.

She will want to feel loved and accepted whatever size she is . There must be a new 'low' to hit if your nearest and dearest start to mention your weight. She is an adult, she knows that she is over-weight. Other than making sure that you make healthy meals when she visits you and not saying anything about it , waiting for her to mention it casually might be the best thing to do. Finding that confidence can take years but when her head feels in the right place then she will know that you will do all you can to help. The other way is to get all family members to invisibly support her by only making healthy food for everyone.

I , frankly would say nothing .

When one of my daughters was 15 her weight ballooned horrendously.
She was very unhappy and ate lots of chocolate and crisps - anything and everything .

I tried to address it .

She was absolutely furious with me and occasionally throws it in my face .

The excess came off when she felt happier .
Now aged nearly 45 she's been beautifully slim and healthy on a diet which excludes lactose and gluten and is often vegetarian .

My youngest was super fit, training twice a day everyday for her chosen sport, and generally competing at most sports at school to a fairly high level.
She knew there was a danger when the training slowed up that she would gain weight, but her habit was to eat big meals, and that habit was hard to break.
Over the past fifteen years she’s gone up and down, and to be fair, when she sets her mind to it, she looses weight really well , she looks young and pretty, but then it all goes back on.
I don’t mention it, try and be supportive, but nothing I say will have any affect, it’s got to be the right time for her.

Only your daughter can solve this, Gabigirl. She has to want a healthy weight more than she wants chocolate or other sugary, fatty foods. Until she makes the decision to avoid the foods that are bad for her she will not lose weight (unless she can persuade her GP to give her the miracle weight loss jabs). Maybe you can explain that to her? It doesn't matter that other people want you to lose weight. You have to want it! You can support her but you can't do it for her.

I lost two stone in weight by the 5:2 fasting method but it's not easy. You will be hungry but, with that method, at least you are only hungry two days a week. With most calorie reduction diets you are hungry every day and, perhaps more likely to quit. My body soon adjusted to not over eating on non-fasting days. Many people say they couldn't do it because they have no willpower but willpower is like a muscle. The more you exercise it, the stronger it gets. When you start to see the weight loss, it spurs you on to keep going.

well done for recognising the pitfalls of talking about weight gain to family/friends. Perhaps if you or your other DD could do with losing a few pounds - it doesn't have to be much =you could suggest going o Slimming World together. They have lots of diet tips - mostly high protein low carbs. Have a look at their magazine. Help her be positive. Good luck

LizIlkeston

I think people feel pressurised to " go on a diet and go to the gym". Research shows this doesn't work in the long run and the connection between food and emotion needs to be explored.
How does your daughter feel? Does she see problems for her health or solely about looks. Of course everyone wants to look good and wear nice clothes but perhaps sharing concern for her health, risk of diabetes etc would be the way to go and offer to go to the GP with her.
I've just read a book called Ultra Processed People which takes blame from the person to the food manufacturers who've got us hooked on processed food( check out additives, even on sliced wholemeal bread)
There's not a single answer but offer to support your daughter in finding out what works for her.. and exercise is for fitness not losing weight as such( I spent 2 hrs at the gym and total calories was 300!)
GPs run weight loss groups and she may get a referral to a dietician. She would certainly need a blood test for thyroid function etc.
Having struggled with weight all my life, I'm happy now not to be super slim, but happy to be average and pretty fit.No forbidden food but treats are fine in moderation. Lots of plant based meals but still eat lots of fish and occasionally red meat.
Hopefully your daughter can learn to eat to live rather than the other way round. She's not alone, I see so many obese people now when it used to be a rarity.

Agree with most of this. The GP told my daughter last week that exercise will not help in losing weight. She was telling the GP that she walks several miles very briskly every day (I can’t keep up with her) and she said that won’t help and she is to cut down on portion sizes.

About 10 years ago my friend and I took up cycling and in the late Spring /summer used to go out every evening and do 10 miles and much more at weekends. Neither of us lost any weight. It does help with fitness but not weight loss.

My daughter has Aspergers, and at one point was vastly overweight. She never seemed to be 'full'. Eventually it got too much for her and she applied for barbaric surgery. She had to lose some weight by diet and then had the op., and lost 13 stone. Could you possibly join Slimming World with her 'to lose a few pounds' and support her that way? Someone to lean on, mutual support etc?