DIL is hurt According to my Son

What is your son and or DIl expressed hurt over that? Also I’m sure you don’t always exclude your DIl I’m sure at least I hope you would include her sometimes. I always include my son’s wife I just wanted to do something for just him one time.

I do find it telling you say that you specifically mention when you gift your son you purposely gift him something that isn’t cash so only he uses it. I actually find that a little off putting to your DIl. Is it really that bad if your DIl benefits as well? Is there a history between you and your DIl? Plus your son helping you out in sure is cutting into their time as a married couple surely she should be appreciated for her part in it as well and not overlooked

rafichagran

I agree with the OP,if she wants to treat her son she can do so. I treat my daughter and son sometimes and not their partners, and the partners would not expect it.
What is it these days with people being hurt about things like that, the wife is looking to be offended. It's tiresome and time consuming having to think things through before doing something nice in case it offends.
I am lucky my adult son and daughter have partners who are grown ups.
I don't overthink and neither do they, we just get on with it, works for us and there is no angst or stress. Do not apologise OP, you have no reason too.

I was thinking more along your lines as well originally but I can see other PPs points of specifically telling my son to just spend it on himself is hurtful to his wife and basically can come across even though I didn’t mean it to as your wife doesn’t matter don’t spend it on her.

I also don’t want it to come across as I am treating my son like an infant or a little boy. Yes my son works hard and my DIl has to make her own sacrifices as well on top of it.

At the same time my relationship with my own child is always going to be different than the relationship with my DIl. Doesn’t mean I don’t love my DIL just that I want to treat my child sometimes.

I always had a great and inclusive relationship with my DIl and now she is being cold and frosty to me and since we have always been close should I reach out to her? I’m hurt by her lack of communication. If she ends up reaching out to me saying she is hurt what should i say?

OP, you sound like you are trying to win an arguement, looking for a gotcha ! moment, rather than accepting the fact that you have upset DIL and your son.
you have to eat humble pie, and show your respect for them by accepting their feelings, as reported by them, and apologising.
basically, a change of attitude is needed.
this is esp imp as you may well have another 2 DILs yet.
learn as you go.
good luck.

Ok so I am going to FaceTime both my son and DIl tonight and apologize for any misunderstanding and be sure to gift together moving forward. I hate that I hurt my DIl and don’t want to make it look like I’m acknowledging all my son’s hard work and not here or like my son is the only one who matters and not her

Spot on welbeck I can't add anything to that.

Clearly the reason matters to my DIl and she feels hurt by it and since my dil’s feelings matter to me I am going to get her something as well and apologize and moving forward gift it to both of them

that's the spirit. maybe ask their forgiveness by saying you are used to being a mother, but only beginning to get the hang of being a MIL.

I also can’t help but wonder if this was a mother treating just her married daughter if everyone would also say the SIL should always be included?

I have two sons and two DILs - I treasure them all.
If I were you I would reach out to your DIL and tell her that you made a mistake and that you are so sorry that you hurt her.

However I am keeping that thought to myself in the back of my head

I agree welbeck. At every turn the OP seeks to justify what she did rather than taking note of what posters say. She clings to her entitlement to reward her son for doing the job he’s paid to do regardless of her daughter in law’s feelings. She still sees her rights as his mother as paramount. She’s en route to discovering, the hard way, that they no longer are.

Am I required to treat my DIL exactly the same as my son to a T in every sense of the word?

Yes.

Depending on how much you spent, tell her you were going to treat her to a spa day, take her to the theatre, whatever she likes, but the tickets haven't come through yet.

It could prevent any more hurt feelings.

Why though? You didn’t raise your DIL. I can see someone saying you should treat your own son the same as your own DIl but a DIL is a different relationship. Not saying it’s not important but just like our relationship we have with our siblings is different than the ones we have with our cousins

Oh dear, I'm sad that you just don't get it

I gave my son a $500 and I don’t want to lie to my DIL so I think I’m just gonna tell her I’m sorry I messed up and say that moving forward both will be included

Your son chose her to be his wife, he loves her...

My OH has 3 daughters and regularly gifts them and any inheritance will go them, what they do with the gift is entirely up to them.
Maybe the problem is the “spending it on himself” in my experience most men do that anyway.

My son being married doesn’t make me any less his mother

Oh, for goodness' sake.

Wht reward your son for working hard at his job?

If he'd come and done some jobs around the house for you then you could buy him a gift or give him some cash which he would spend on them both.

Stop! Read the posts.

🤔

I am inclined not to believe this story.

I really do not think the OP has anything to apologise for. I just do not understand why she cannot treat her son and not her daughter.
I do not treat my sons partner the same, never will. She understands and does not get offended and we all get on well. I also do not care that she treats her Mother differently from me. She is her Mother and she loves her.
I know I am at odds with everyone here but it works for us and we dont have any problems.
My daughters partner and I get on best, he buys nothing for me and I get nothing from him. We get in great.
Good luck with what you do OP, whatever you decide it will blow over.

Flowersinthegarden

My son being married doesn’t make me any less his mother

It's not a competition

rafichagran

I really do not think the OP has anything to apologise for. I just do not understand why she cannot treat her son and not her daughter.
I do not treat my sons partner the same, never will. She understands and does not get offended and we all get on well. I also do not care that she treats her Mother differently from me. She is her Mother and she loves her.
I know I am at odds with everyone here but it works for us and we dont have any problems.
My daughters partner and I get on best, he buys nothing for me and I get nothing from him. We get in great.
Good luck with what you do OP, whatever you decide it will blow over.

Because she wants too, and it's her choice.

Honestly, I think your DIL is being ridiculous. Your son is your son forever. What a crazy world we live in that you can’t test your own child. Madness.