DIL is hurt According to my Son

Sorry, writing quote, my own. instead of another quote. Was watching Strickly at the time.

Sorry forget to check, that’s treat not test.

I think so too a little bit but since my DIl has always been great to my son and we always gotten along wonderfully I don’t want to rock the boat and hurt her feelings and after reading some of the responses on here I can see how telling my son to spend the check on himself can look like I am saying don’t spend it on his wife my DIL.

I have to accept that my son’s primary relationship and loyalty lies with his wife as it should.

I can also see how by me saying I am treating him for all his hard work could come across as me saying i don’t care or acknowledge my dil’s contribution as well or that she doesn’t work hard. I was rather just treating my own child but since I don’t wanna hurt my DIL’s feelings I am going to gift it to them as a married couple moving forward

Good. He is no longer just your child. He is, first and foremost, your daughter in law’s husband.

The Christian marrage ceremony speaks of the two shall become one flesh. So they are no longer two, but one flesh. Therefore what God has joined together, let no one separate.

Even if you are not religious the stipulation about two people becoming one family is quite clear in any marriage.

When one member of a partnership is working hard and frazzled, the the other member is bearing the strain as well.

When DS was nar breaking point I booked the two of them into a lovely hotel for a weekend with babysitters provided. It wouldn't have occurred to me to treat one and not the other

Ok good to know. Now that my son is married the hard work I put into raising him doesn’t matter, my relationship with him doesn’t matter, and I’m never allowed to have an individual relationship with him again because well he has a wife and that’s the only relationship that matters.

Hope you would say the same for mothers and daughters when the daughters get married.

I agree that’s where I went wrong for telling my son that the check was because of all his hard work and not acknowledging my DIL’s contribution as well. I realize that was a huge error on my part because it implied only my son’s hard work mattered and not my DIL’s.

🤔

I really don’t think you understand that when your son got married your relationship with him changed irrevocably. You are treating him as your little boy - all the hard work you put into raising him was to enable him to become an independent man. It didn’t give you some sort of special rights over him. His wife is now his next of kin and takes precedence over you. If you don’t understand that and cut the apron strings you’re heading for estrangement. I speak as the mother of a much loved married son. I know my place.

The most important person in your sons life is his wife, if you hurt his wife you hurt him, I do hope you can fix this.

OP, you will be pleasing your son more when you also please his wife. Might not be right in some people's view point but it is a fact of life and a lesson well learnt.

Why wouldn’t it be right for my son to want to please his wife? I definitely agree with the other points as well that his wife is now the most important person in his life.

However where does that leave me? Am I never allowed to do anything special solely for him anymore?

If there were kids. Would you treat her different?

And would you complain if she treats you different to her mom?

I think there is a huge difference between "here is some money for a treat" - which allows your son to choose how to spend it - for example on dinner or the theatre for the 2 of them ... and the way you have worded it in your OP "here is some money just for you" which is pretty exclusionary towards your DIL.

There is also something rather infantilising about the way you talk about your son like he is a small child who deserves a "treat" from mummy for working hard. While he has been working, DIL has probably been taking on extra chores at home and also spending more time by herself. It does sound as though you only truly value his contribution.

Possibly it’s the fact that you have such a close relationship that’s made her feel hurt. Think about that.

March

If there were kids. Would you treat her different?

And would you complain if she treats you different to her mom?

There aren’t any kids as of yet however I know she calls her mom on the phone almost everyday and frequently has mother/daughter outings with her (my DIL is her only daughter) and I would never expect my DIL to do those same things with me just because she does them with her own mother. I recognize the relationship is always going to be a different one with her own mother vs one with me.

Derby

Possibly it’s the fact that you have such a close relationship that’s made her feel hurt. Think about that.

I definitely think it’s that which is why I’m addressing it with both her and my son over FaceTime in about an hour or so.

If you give money to anyone, your son, DIL, grandchild, anyone it becomes their money and you have absolutely no right to tell them what they should do with it. To do so indicates that you still regard the person as someone you still have a degree of control over and your son is an adult so you really shouldn't be telling him what to do.
Gifts with strings attached are not real gifts.

Am I never allowed to do anything special solely for him any more?

In a word, no, except for his birthday or at Christmas. The rest of the year, treat them as a couple. I know only too well how hard it is but you have had your special time with him and now you have to stand back. You cannot turn back the clock.

OP, dont keep questioning it. Apologise if it makes you feel better.
I don't get the POV of posters who are telling you, you are wrong, as I do treat my adult children and their partners differently, the difference is my son and daughters partners don't care about things like that so I have never had that problem.
Also partners have parents who they love and they will treat them differently to me. Honestly, I really do not care.
If OP apologises to keep the peace, that's OK as well. This will blow over.

rafichagran

OP, dont keep questioning it. Apologise if it makes you feel better.
I don't get the POV of posters who are telling you, you are wrong, as I do treat my adult children and their partners differently, the difference is my son and daughters partners don't care about things like that so I have never had that problem.
Also partners have parents who they love and they will treat them differently to me. Honestly, I really do not care.
If OP apologises to keep the peace, that's OK as well. This will blow over.

I’m understanding the POV of the other posters bc I think it was more about what I said to my son when I gave him the check to just spend it on himself and I shouldn’t be telling him not to share it or how to spend it

OP I am glad you are doing what you think is right and makes you feel better.

So I just FaceTimed both my son and DIL and said to my DIL, “it’s great to see you I have missed chatting and seeing you is everything ok between us?” And she said she felt hurt that I gave just my son a check and told him to spend it on himself because of how hard he has been working. She said she felt like we were closer and that I saw her almost like another one of her children at that while her husband is working a ton of hours she was by herself and keeping the home together and she felt like I was only acknowledging my son’s accomplishments while overlooking hers. I teared up a little to think I hurt someone whose relationship and friendship I really value and I apologized for coming across like I wasn’t appreciative of her accomplishments as well and that she is an amazing wife to my son and an amazing friend to me and I would never want her to feel overlooked or “less than” my son. She said she appreciated the kind words and we are getting together for dinner this week with my son so all is well and I’m super glad about that.

That's so so lovely

And it's good because for an example, if there are children in the future...and she treated you differently...you'd be hurt... because you want treated equally in the coming weeks.. you see?

That is good news, well done you for sorting out so quickly. You must feel so relieved and can relax now.