Thoughts

I havent seen your other thread I dont think.
May have read the opening post? Not sure.

When is it ok to do something for just your child and not necessarily your in law?

If you do that, therein trouble lies, in my opinion.

winterwhite

Well, no not entirely. The presents I give to my 3 s-in-l are well chosen and wrapped etc but I tend to spend less on them than on my own DDs, and I would expect their parents to do the equivalent. And I worry less about them / their health and so on than I do about my own children (not that there’s anything much to worry about usually). I see that as natural.

I will say it does make me feel a little sad that you don’t care much about them than your children. I think that fact alone is more hurtful than any price disparity in gifts. Gifts are just something that can be measured in monetary value where as how much you care about someone comes more from the heart.

I can’t imagine caring less about my DIL and her well being and her health than my son’s. Like another PP said the day (quite frankly even before that) she married my son she became a part of my family so I would care about her just as much as any other member of my family and blood has nothing to do with that.

fancythat

I havent seen your other thread I dont think.
May have read the opening post? Not sure.

When is it ok to do something for just your child and not necessarily your in law?

If you do that, therein trouble lies, in my opinion.

Yes I am realizing from these posts that can cause trouble so I plan on not ever differentiating between my DIL and son ever again. I really hurt her feelings and I didn’t mean to.

I treat them positively but I don’t think I treat them equally. And I don’t think they expect me to.
I think that they are separate people. My relationship with my DC and their partners/ spouses are each different. They are a unit, by their own choice, but they are also individuals.
In my day we became an indistinguishable unit but I’m not sure that was good for us, My DC have also maintained their own identity.
Also, I carried and raised my DC. Their partners/ spouses have parents who carried and raised them.

Different families work in different ways.

But this year my DD and I have had a couple of days doing things together and I have treasured them. I have also treasured that my DIL enabled this by looking after the DGC on one occasion, whilst we did it.

I don’t give individual Xmas gifts to children and partner but give a joint sum of money for them to use as they wish.

For birthday gifts I give the same amount of money to both children and partners.

I was never very happy that my mother in law gave my husband really nice presents but me something really cheap and mundane.

This Christmas DD and my SiL, plus DS, DiL and two GDs are each getting a small present. The GDs an additional £100. each. Both of my children and their spouses will share an additional gift of money. I would never give more to my children than my son and daughter in laws.

So to those who say you treat them equally, are you also going to leave the same amount of money to your DiLs and SiLs in your wills? I guess not.

I find that a strange question, Cabbie.
We are leaving our money to our children and grandchildren in our wills, our children's partners know that and are happy with it.
The money will probably be spent on house improvements, (already discussed) and will benefit everyone.

My DIL will be extremely wealthy when her parents die, far wealthier than our children will ever be.

Same here, Marydoll!
The question was rather tongue in cheek.

I did wonder Cabbie, being familiar with your posts!

My DD has a dilemma. She has no children and was thinking of making a will in favour of my two DGDs.
However one DGD will inherit a fortune from her grandparents, but the other GPs hae nothing to leave.

winterwhite

Well, no not entirely. The presents I give to my 3 s-in-l are well chosen and wrapped etc but I tend to spend less on them than on my own DDs, and I would expect their parents to do the equivalent. And I worry less about them / their health and so on than I do about my own children (not that there’s anything much to worry about usually). I see that as natural.

Exactly that

I treat my son and his partner equally, for christmas and birthdays,both hard working in low paid jobs,they are parents to my younger grandaughter,I love them all.
They are a couple and a family unit,my son will always be my son,but the day they started their life together,and he became a father,was always going to change the dynamics of our relationship,and I made it clear to him that his family always came first to him.

I really like the idea that when your child marries viewing them first as a husband/wife to someone else rather than your child. I think generally after reading these responses treating them equally is the way to go to avoid hurt feelings or making them fell less important than your child.

I am curious for those who mention that they do treat their DILs different than their sons if your DIL came to you and said this offended her and she felt not as much a part of your family how would you handle it?

cabbie21 In answer to your question, all we have is divided into 3 parts. One third goes to DS and DiL, another to DD and SiL, and the third part to be divided equally between our two GDs.

What do you and your DILs do alone? Howcome you don’t see your sons as much alone? Is it because of shared hobbies/interests you have with your DIL that you don’t share with your son?

I have plural sons and daughters-in-law, and yes, we do have different shared interests, but also they have different amounts of free time due to work and their own interests - they all balance their work, volunteering and hobby hours to manage childcare, and that just works out that my daughters-in-law are around more at times that suit me. But, as I say, I doubt there’s much in it. I see my daughters-in-law more regularly, but probably for shorter periods of time - I’ve never bothered calculating it.

Christmas! all about money!

As for what the daughters-in-law and I do alone… recently, been carol singing; winterised our gardens and my allotment (I need their help at present); went out for Sunday lunch; had a quick cup of tea when I was passing to do some shopping; been to the cinema, and a school play; took the grandchildren swimming. Things I’ve done alone with my sons in the same period: nothing. I have spoken to them both on the phone, and seen them both with their wives for lunch. But I am off to the cinema and dinner with one of them next week, and my husband is out for a day hike with the other today.

It must be lovely to live so close to children, spouses, grandchildren.

lemsip For who?

Interesting point Cabbie21. We always treated any legacy as a family legacy and just assume our son and DiL will do the same. We also have a single daughter to consider.

Germanshepherdsmum

It must be lovely to live so close to children, spouses, grandchildren.

We made a choice to leave an area and home we loved to live somewhere far less interesting, fun, and beautiful, and much more expensive, so in a much smaller house, to be closer to family. So there’s a price for that niceness, which currently is still worth paying.

And I appreciate we were fortunate to have the luxury of choice, and that not everyone does.

Trouble is, Siope, they move.

My children and their partners are all treated and loved the same, but their gifts don't necessarily match exactly for monetary value. This year one d-i-l is getting a gift about 20% more expensive than our son's. Both will be getting something they really want, just hers is more expensive than his. Another time they might cost more or less the same, or my child's present will cost more than the partner's. As long as we get them a gift they will like our entire family couldn't care less what it costs.

I don’t necessarily count the pounds and line it up all even , even among my own adult children. Though I tend to keep it roughly in balance and put a lot of thought into gifts etc. same for the son in laws and daughter in laws.

I say this is a situation of if you have to ask you’re doing it unfairly. So if it’s a thing that comes up - there’s been an obvious breech of equality here. And you really should try to let go of this feeling of “but xx is MY CHILD” and so and so is just their spouse. When they got married so and so became just as much family as your child. They mean the world to your child, is that not enough reason on its own to treat them like precious additions to the family? My son in laws and daughter in laws are lovely people overall , but even if they weren’t - they are my children’s life partners, the love of their lives , their pride and joy - and so by extension they are also mine .