Thoughts

Flowersinthegarden

I am curious for those who mention that they do treat their DILs different than their sons if your DIL came to you and said this offended her and she felt not as much a part of your family how would you handle it?

In this case I would sincerely apologize and look hard at my own self in the mirror. Because my actions were causing someone very dear to my son and very much a part of out family to feel excluded , even if I knew that wasn’t my intent I would want to remedy my actions so as not to make that mistake again. I saw your orinal post on this subject op and you went wrong in not giving your son a check but I’m taking the time and effort to be sure you let him know you only wanted him to spend it on himself. It made it seem deliberately exclusionary and Ike safe guarding what should have been a gift. I can absolutely see where a daughter in law would felt a certain way about it , as I’d you thought she’d spend it all selfishly or something or like you wanted to be sure it didn’t go toward their household together etc. had you just given the check and kept your “rules “ for the gift to yourself I doubt you’d have heard anything about it

Germanshepherdsmum

Trouble is, Siope, they move.

Sadly in some cases, yes. I think that’s likely for one of mine in the next year, and the other within five years.

We are hoping to be much less needed locally by the latter family before that, so we can move on ourselves.

Cabbie21

So to those who say you treat them equally, are you also going to leave the same amount of money to your DiLs and SiLs in your wills? I guess not.

No we have not. Never even considered.

Our 4 daughters will have my husband's business and our sons-in-law will not have part to my husband's business.

To Flowersinthegarden, you seem rather obsessed with this point. I just cannot imagine the circumstance you envisage - a son-in-law saying he felt hurt because he had calculated the difference in value between his own present and his wife's. Inconceivable that anyone would think like that. Nothing whatever to do with not seeing my married daughters as units with their husbands. Some of your implications are quite an affront.

I always have a problem finding suitable presents for my son and daughter-in-law. They can afford, and prefer, to choose and buy anything they want or need. The time I bought my son a jumper he returned it to the shop. I wouldn’t even dare risk similar for my DiL Some years they have had a big cheque from me, into the joint account, but mostly I get them each something trivial, maybe bric a brac from a fair, maybe a jokey present or a game. The value is irrelevant.

I think the scale of differentiation and the expressed intention of the gift are relevant to this discussion. I read your other post, OP, and a large cash gift to be used for the sole purpose of rewarding one’s own child, as opposed to a treat to share, could be seen as belittling the value of the DIL or SIL.

Otherwise, I wouldn’t worry too much about absolute equality of gifting. I’d be more likely to give to both jointly.

Marriage is a joint enterprise.

If you treat your DIL as 'less' or like she doesn't matter, it can potentially cause distance between you and your son (this is the woman he loves more than anyone else in the world) and also, may very well come back to haunt you if they have children together

Mamasperspective

If you treat your DIL as 'less' or like she doesn't matter, it can potentially cause distance between you and your son (this is the woman he loves more than anyone else in the world) and also, may very well come back to haunt you if they have children together

Quite true. By nature of it all your daughter in law or son in law are the most cherished person to your son or daughter. So by extension, should they not be treasured and valued to you as well? When my oldest son was a small boy he had a stuffed dog he was mad for. I didn’t espixslly love the toy, as it was old and dingy and not my taste. However he thought it to be a treasure beyond all others and so over the years I went to great lengths to look after, gently wash and be sure to never ever misplace it! It was the thing he loved most in the world and as such I cared very much what became of it. Likewise with my adult children’s chosen partners. Perhaps a poor analogy as of course none of my sil or dils are “old or dingy” , quite the opposite they’re lovely people , but just as my son loved that stuffed dog, even if they weren’t lovely I would love, and treasure, and want to celebrate them , simply because they mean so much to my grown children.

I would have loved to have lunch with just my Dad rather than always with him & my stepmother his 2nd wife.
But sadly he refused to see me without her. Both passed away now

I try to spend more or less the same on DS and DIL but often end up spending more on DIL because she will let me know what she wants whereas DS always says he doesn't want anything. Also find it easier to think of things to buy a woman than a man.

I treat them all the same,have 4,I always spend a lot of time thinking what they would really like,especially 2 of them who have weird families & do not get much attention from their own family.They are my family now & all need love and attention.

This going to sound harsh, but, much as I am very fond of my son's partner I do not love them equally, nor will I ever. Having already lost one child I can say now that I would save my only living child over his partner without even having to give it a second thought. And for me, first and foremost he is my child, for me him being her partner is secondary. But of course I keep all this to myself!

My AC get money but my DIL gets wine and bottle of spirits. If I buy her a present she gives it away so no point. She's made it quite clear shes's not a daughter and is quite a difficult person. Very dominant and was controlling to her own mother who now wants nothing to do with her, and moved away. She's a very good mother to the DGC though.

I’ve read this thread with great interest as it’s something that has truly never crossed my mind. So much so I’ve discussed it with some of my own DC and with various friends! Most people have been baffled at the very idea that they and their partners should have the same value of gifts given to them or that they should give the same to their DC/partners. None of them were of a mind to tot up the value of what each receives, my own kids felt that was mercenary. For example, I’m giving one dd AirPods this Christmas. I couldn’t possibly afford to give everyone AirPods as that would be over a thousand pounds in total, but I have put consideration into what everyone gets. After all, aren’t we told that it’s the thought that counts, when it comes to present-giving?

I’ve also discovered there are many ways to skin a cat and that each family has worked out a method that suits them. In my SIL’s family he and DD receive similar gifts from his parents but he also receives a monetary gift from them. Dd doesn’t mind this in the least, why shouldn’t his parents treat him? She doesn’t feel it makes her any less valued in their eyes. Some families give only to GC, others have a Secret Santa set up.

Another family has one member who buys everyone the same random thing! The item itself may vary eg one year it was Bronnley soap, another year it might be a book, but that certainly solves the equal value question!

All my adult life I have tried to give people presents I knew they would want, and yes, I have always tried to use similar amounts for each present when giving nieces and nephews, married couples, including my parents.

The value of a present in monetary terms shouldn't matter, but giving one person something that is obviously dearer than the other is insulting and hurtful to both, and certainly asking for trouble if you give your married children more, than you give their spouses!

SueDonim

I’ve read this thread with great interest as it’s something that has truly never crossed my mind. So much so I’ve discussed it with some of my own DC and with various friends! Most people have been baffled at the very idea that they and their partners should have the same value of gifts given to them or that they should give the same to their DC/partners. None of them were of a mind to tot up the value of what each receives, my own kids felt that was mercenary. For example, I’m giving one dd AirPods this Christmas. I couldn’t possibly afford to give everyone AirPods as that would be over a thousand pounds in total, but I have put consideration into what everyone gets. After all, aren’t we told that it’s the thought that counts, when it comes to present-giving?

I’ve also discovered there are many ways to skin a cat and that each family has worked out a method that suits them. In my SIL’s family he and DD receive similar gifts from his parents but he also receives a monetary gift from them. Dd doesn’t mind this in the least, why shouldn’t his parents treat him? She doesn’t feel it makes her any less valued in their eyes. Some families give only to GC, others have a Secret Santa set up.

Another family has one member who buys everyone the same random thing! The item itself may vary eg one year it was Bronnley soap, another year it might be a book, but that certainly solves the equal value question!

I’m sure the monetary gift given to your SIL from his parents isn’t given in a “just spend it on yourself” kind of way it’s probably meant for them as a couple. That’s what I made the incredible mistake of doing ( not on a birthday or holiday) was give cash to my son bc he has been working hard lately and telling him to just spend it on himself and my DIL who I am close with said it made her feel excluded and like she was only valuing and noticing my son’s contribution to the family and not her contribution and like she was being told she was “less than” my son. I sincerely apologized and that was not my intent at all! And moving forward I will never imply or tell my son the money isn’t for both of them because they are a unit a married couple.

SueDonim

I’ve read this thread with great interest as it’s something that has truly never crossed my mind. So much so I’ve discussed it with some of my own DC and with various friends! Most people have been baffled at the very idea that they and their partners should have the same value of gifts given to them or that they should give the same to their DC/partners. None of them were of a mind to tot up the value of what each receives, my own kids felt that was mercenary. For example, I’m giving one dd AirPods this Christmas. I couldn’t possibly afford to give everyone AirPods as that would be over a thousand pounds in total, but I have put consideration into what everyone gets. After all, aren’t we told that it’s the thought that counts, when it comes to present-giving?

I’ve also discovered there are many ways to skin a cat and that each family has worked out a method that suits them. In my SIL’s family he and DD receive similar gifts from his parents but he also receives a monetary gift from them. Dd doesn’t mind this in the least, why shouldn’t his parents treat him? She doesn’t feel it makes her any less valued in their eyes. Some families give only to GC, others have a Secret Santa set up.

Another family has one member who buys everyone the same random thing! The item itself may vary eg one year it was Bronnley soap, another year it might be a book, but that certainly solves the equal value question!

I also think it’s important to note that while there are many ways to skin a cat as you put it if your differential treatment between your child and in law hurts the in law you should reveal your treatment of them.

I try to do the same. I have lovely DILs , also my late DDs husband, still regard him as a SIL.

I totally agree everyone gets exactly the same budget for both Xmas and birthdays, no one can feel less important nor wanted. My DIL hardly ever visits me, but I know she would be there in an emergency. She is career woman and is very busy. She is a brilliant mother and a hardworking wife. I appreciate everything she does.

My SIL’s money gift is intended for himself. My dd doesn’t read anything sinister into that, it’s what his parents have always done and she doesn’t feel the need to value herself in monetary terms. She understands that his parents can’t afford to jump from four lots of identical value gifts to eight lots. Either everyone would have to have less or they continue their tradition. My dd is the main breadwinner so she’s also only too happy for her Dh to have some a bit of extra cash to spend on himself.

I’m also intrigued as to whether people spend the same amount on grandchildren as on their parents. I assume they do, if the GC are as valued as the parents.

SueDonim

My SIL’s money gift is intended for himself. My dd doesn’t read anything sinister into that, it’s what his parents have always done and she doesn’t feel the need to value herself in monetary terms. She understands that his parents can’t afford to jump from four lots of identical value gifts to eight lots. Either everyone would have to have less or they continue their tradition. My dd is the main breadwinner so she’s also only too happy for her Dh to have some a bit of extra cash to spend on himself.

I’m also intrigued as to whether people spend the same amount on grandchildren as on their parents. I assume they do, if the GC are as valued as the parents.

See if they are married and especially on the holidays I would assume that money given by family would be for the couple. Do not most married couples share finances? And how exactly is that conveyed that it’s meant just for your SIL? Is it told specifically by his parents just spend it on yourself and not your wife or is it just presented just to him? If it’s the latter I would assume they presented it to him because he is their actual relative but since they are married it is meant for the couple to use together. Some things are just implied. To me unless otherwise told this would be one of those examples.

Kind of like a dinner invite of hey do you want to come over for dinner by a family member they don’t literally mean the dinner invite is just for that person but because they are married it’s meant for the couple but since they told one person out of the married couple it’s implied that they would convey that message to their spouse.

Most young couples I know don’t share finances. They each have their own accounts

Some divvy up into payments ie one will pay the rent, the other will pay the utilities. Others each put a certain amount into a joint account and make joint payments out of that.

I don’t know my dd’s IL’s well enough to ask that sort of info but I know she doesn’t resent it at all and is glad he has a bit extra for himself.

My son and his wife have pooled their finances since they married- just like me and my DH. We treat them both the same when it comes to gifts, I wouldn't dream of giving our son a larger gift than my DDIL. Works for us.

My MIL recently did this to me where she gave my husband money and told him to only spend it on himself and she may not realize it yet but it hurt our close relationship. I am very hurt that my contributions and my role in the marriage is being overlooked.