I’m becoming the last one standing

I was the youngest on a family of 3 girls. Now there is only me. My remaining sister and 3 best friends died during the same year. I still have my 2 daughters
I do miss friends of my own age but at 82 I have nothing to complain about. I keep well and can still drive around the city although I've forgotten how to reach places I don't go to very often.

I have made the mistake of thinking of people as friends when really they are acquaintances. It saddened me when I gave up work that colleagues did not keep in touch. It was myself that had left the club and had to make the effort. Down the years there has been mother and toddler group, mothers of children's friends, various classes but these people you are friendly with at the time drift away when the mutual interest is gone. Time has taken its toll of close relatives, good neighbours and the few real friends from childhood. I notice also that people are more inclined to message rather than speak by phone. This is just not the same as a good long chat rambling over many topics in depth. It seems the habit of younger folk also.

Due to DHs work we moved about a lot. With children it was easier to make contacts and friends but these were short lived. Again due to work, it wasn't a regular 9-5, 5 day week so I couldn't meet up as much as others. Not until I was in my 50s did I have what most would think of as regular hours and stability. I have always found it difficult to establish friendships I think due to lifestyle and now being older it seems even more so. I have acquaintances within groups I attend but not what I would consider friendships. Since DH died I definitely have lost confidence not making it any easier to establish contacts. No matter which groups I have been invited to I always feel the people there already have established their circle of friends/acquaintances and I am an intruder. Allsorts full understand your thoughts

I have lost so many of my friends over the years (what i call history friends ). Miss them so much. Cannot get to meet people now as my husband has dementia. Never mind ,have my memories.

I understand how you are feeling and I think it’s a problem we all face getting older but also I think Covid has exacerbated the problem.
My husband died not long ago and with Covid and him being immunosuppressed it was almost 3 years of little contact and not going out anywhere.
Now he has died my best two friends lives have also changed, one through her own illness and the other nursing her husband who is ill. So I have been feeling lonely, I joined a widows group who have been very friendly but meetings are always a good drive away and the ladies all seem to have busy exciting lives. I did connect with one lady in the group but she quickly met another man and moved abroad.
I am thinking of joining U3A if I have the confidence to go.
Winter doesn’t help either.

Isummer, I am so sorry about your husband dying, looking after him for so long with all the restrictions of Covid must have been so isolating. Christmas highlights what we’ve lost.
I will join a U3A class for Art soon, but know before I go that it will be a firmly established group, but will go as its a subject I like.

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Went back to my Tai Chi class, which has been shut for a month, and was pleasantly surprised to see how pleased everyone was to see me. Perhaps I am collecting new friends.

Katherinebhana
I have sent you a PM.

I’m lucky then I suppose ….i still have 6 friends that I meet regularly gir coffee/lunch/ garden centre visits…..their age range is also interesting 55 -79….so unless they move away ( I don’t drive ) a couple of them should outlive me . I seem to attract the younger freinds because I ‘don’t dwell on the past, and always seem to look forward ‘ their words not mine. I think young …even my 16 ye old grandson sits and chats to me for an hour or two of his own back ….we can talk on any subject .
He’s says in his best freind , after his sister and parents …and I find that wonderful for his age group. My point is ….to make and keep freinds you’ve got to be a bit eclectic ….and I do g mean trying to ‘ get down with the kids’ they’d see straight through that. Just be more open and less ‘history’ .

Sorry to those who's loved one has died recently. In a spilt second you go from being a couple to single. How I hate being classed as single. As far as I am concerned I am still married and always will be .

When the other half of you dies doesn't matter how long or short you have been together once you find the one person in the world who completes you I for one have never felt whole since my husband took his last breath. It will be 20 years next month without him. For me the grief has gotten worst as the years go by as he has missed so much. Even now the grief can overwhelm me.

You go in a split second from sharing decisions to having to make them yourself. Yes you can get input from family and friends but it's down to you to decide on things. And after a death there are so many decisions to make.

In a way we where lucky we always knew he wouldn't live 5 years but when the sword of Damocles dropped it was still a shock. Even though my husband made notes who to contact as soon as he died there were far more than he realised. When we knew he was terminal I opened another bank account just for bills. Everything was changed to my name the house was already in joint names. Because my husband died on a Friday everything was on hold until the Monday apart from GP confirming death and the removal of his body. Ironically my dad died on a Friday and my mom 20 past midnight Saturday morning. My mother in law also died on a Friday but her brother was executor.

I was talking to my best friend yesterday who was widowed in 2022 she has filled her life with activities some she did before some she's started since. But still has alone time when she needs it. When I talked about how the grief gets worse she didn't want to know. And yet I wish someone had told me them I could have prepared myself . The big difference is she was 64 when widowed I was 45 .

I call the first 10 years of bereavement early years as it took me that long to get used too it. Because of looking after parents and mother in law took all my time so I didn't join anything I wanted. I went to a bereavement group because my children thought it would help. I went for them and left once they left home . As it was useless for me. I don't lie as I can't remember so always tell the truth. Luckily the children never asked if it helped but only had was it ok. It was but they where all lot older than me and didn't understand how it was for me. Also the woman running it had done a 12 week course and she was married .

If any of you need to go too a bereavement group make sure it's age appropriate and that the person running it their life partner has died. Only someone who has lost the other half of themselves can understand how that feels.

It took me from 2004 to 2019 to live the life I wanted and the life I promised my husband I would live .But I couldn't abandon people who needed me even though it cost me healthwise. But that's me.

Doing things on your own and walking into group that is established is hard . My craft group had been running 5-6 years but I was welcomed with open arms. But I live in the north west now. People here are so different to where I used to live. And that makes a big difference.

My husband made me promise to go on holiday a year after he died . At the age of 46 I went on holiday for the first time by myself just to York for 4 days. I had never walked into a pub by myself. As I was 16 when I went out with my husband. Did a lot of firsts those 4 days and I was terrified. But I did it for him.

In November I booked my first holiday since then for May . But this time I will be going with confidence and really looking forward to it. I can't go abroad my mobility would allow it also my daughter said are you kidding me when I mentioned going to Cork. Like she said she couldn't get to me quickly also there is no way I could board a plane nor be hemmed in by people. That's why coach holiday are not for me. Train every time with the help of travel assistance which I have been using for over 10 years before I moved here.

I know you may feel you have to rush into things but give yourself a year if you don't want to join anything then find things you want to do. My life was on hold because I put others first like I always did until I moved here. But having no one dependant finally let me have the life I wanted and needed . I don't have any pets as I don't want the responsibility or the limits put on me ever again. My own body is doing that and know hopefully not for 5 years or lot more I will end up in a wheelchair chair again .

Some have mentioned the U3A I joined that for a year but it wasn't for me what finished it was the Christmas meeting in 2021 there was a trio so was looking forward to Christmas songs and or carols insist it was a jazz trio I walked and never went back. The problem was the committee was all over 70 a friend in her mid 60's joined the committee to try and change it but couldn't. The talks where always about what the committee liked and all the groups like the classical music ,art etc groups met at night which was ok if you drive but I don't . Also the Christmas lunch was at a golf course in the middle of nowhere. They have a coffee morning at a local cafe on a Tuesday morning . I forgot and went to the cafe on a Tuesday an sat at a table apparently it was one they normally used but I wouldn't move. None of the tables had reserved on and have to sit somewhere that is comfortable for me . But this is my experience of my local U3A . It's not saying they are all like like it.

Lot of local churches and the libraries up here have various groups. You don't have to belong to a church to join any of the activities they are open to all ages . My sit fit group is at the church round the corner from me and our instructor rents the cafe for the winter months. We did our exercises in the church in the summer as it was cooler. As an atheist my brother did ask if the roof feel on me 😂. My craft group is at my local library.

If you have a health condition if they have a local group they usually run groups of different activities. Also councils are a good source of information about activities like walking groups ,gardening clubs ,book clubs etc.

As per usual rambled on but like I always say that's me in real life. 😁