Daughter issues

I am lonely since my dh died..just before covid... and I sense so often that people, not just relatives, my friends, just do not want to hear that I get lonely, strange! so I think I just have to keep it to myself,,, what a pity, cos for me, I think it helps me to express how I feel.

I’m not sure that I quite fully understand where she’s coming from but it doesn’t matter I don’t think, she asked a question which you answered….and which she clearly didn’t like.

I would absolutely do nothing. Leave a space …and she may then ponder on her own words and thoughts.

If she directly asks you to apologise again, I would say I don’t think there’s any need and change the subject.

In a counselling course, I learnt that the last thing you should be is judgemental. And the first thing you should do is to listen. I would have thought that psychotherapy would be a few rungs further up the ladder from counselling, but the OP's daughter certainly wasn't listening to her mother and was being unthinkingly judgemental. Psychotherapy should be kept well away from family affairs!

What do I do?
You most certainly do not apologise.
Your daughter sounds most unsuitable for working in psychotherapy, art or otherwise. A little learning is a dangerous thing.

HannahD You have every right to feel but your daughter doesn’t want to know how you are feeling. If she does know, she may feel a burden of having to do something about it. So my suggestions are 1) If possible go to a counsellor to talk about all your feelings and help you decide what you want to do post divorce. 2) Do what you want to do without consultation with your daughter unless it effects her in some way, in which case you will need to tell her. This will all be part of becoming a strong independent woman. Notice I said tell her, not consult her. You don’t need her advice. You can turn to others; friends, relatives etc for advice.
Be strong, be clear and be yourself. Good luck

Why do people on here think because
this lady has posted and remarked that she intends to do Airbnb they can give advice on whether she should or should not do this ? She was asking for advice about her daughters attitudes! Not Airbnb.

Adult children these days often think they can treat a parent how they like and everything is on their terms. Mine are often like this, though not always. I think a lot of it depends on what is going on in their own lives and we can be used as kicking posts. I must say, I never did it to my parents as neither of them would have tolerated it. Once I was an adult, my parents absolutely did their own thing although help was there if I needed it. I did not speak disrespectfully to them but my own children often do to me. It is partly a generational thing I do believe. There doesn't seem to be so much respect these days. And, just as an aside, a lot of today's generation have been brought up watching programmes such as East Enders where the way people speak to one another is appalling and I suppose they think that is normal.

I am so very sorry. My own adult daughter has often inflicted her own feelings of insecurity and frustration on me.

There have been seasons where I had to limit interaction with her to spare my own heart.

It sounds to me as if she has an underlying sense of failing you and failing to live up to (perhaps imagined) responsibility toward you. Her discomfort is easier to toss back on you than to feel herself. Having a degree doesn’t always make one more able to understand oneself.

It’s hard. It’s painful. I haven’t really found any way to deal with it other than to protect myself by (1) not sharing too much and (2) limiting interaction.

Even though she’s an adult your divorce may have upset her more than she realises. Instead of supporting you she feels she is the one that needs supporting. Also probably feeling guilty herself for not spending more time with you. I agree with others that apologise for upsetting her as that wasn’t your intention but not for choosing to live your life as you choose.
Not sure of your circumstances but think opening your house up to strangers because you are lonely in the evening is probably not the best reason for doing it. Good luck and remember most families have internal struggles with relationships and you are not alone.

Good heavens, you’re not a sweat able or accountable to your daughter for your decisions! And nor do you have to accept psychoanalysis from someone when you haven’t asked for their professional services!

By responding to her questions, you’re giving the impression that you are accountable to her, and that she has a right to question your decisions. Ironically, if you went to see a therapist, they might be able to help you pick up on what you are getting out of this and why you allow it! Conversations which repeat like this without apparently going anywhere are very tiresome, for self-help I’d suggest reading Games People Play by Dr Eric Berne.

If you don’t want to have such discussions, I’d make it clear by saying ‘Oh, blimey, not this again!’ and leave the room.

This course of action might not appeal to you, but unless you put up a barrier against her interference, I suspect you’re going to get really fed up of it and it will end in an argument you’d rather avoid.

My son in law called me a C- - - when my husband (step father in law) challenged him he said that’s because she is. We walked away. Now my daughter 4 children who I have exhausted myself helping with are not speaking to us. My crime was trying to explain something son in law disagreed with.

Skydancer and MissMellie

Agree one hundred per cent. I also have a sometimes prickly relationship with my adult daughter. She has had a difficult adult life, almost entirely due to taking on bad partners and making poor decisions. She grew up with lots of advantages but has never been interested in our opinion so we have had to helplessly watch the disasters play out. We have helped her a great deal both practically and financially, often to our own detriment but we wouldn't let our grandchildren suffer. She has recently changed career and now is an NHS psychotherapist. I think she does an excellent job professionally perhaps precisely because of her past mistakes. She doesn't really acknowledge how much we've helped her and how draining she has been which is probably best for her peace of mind and we certainly don't remind her. It does (mostly secretly) annoy me that although she's affectionate, she has a haughty attitude towards us.

Regarding the question of airbnb and loneliness... my widowed sister offers two single rooms via airbnb with a large shared bathroom. She has a knack of making them look very gorgeous and welcoming, and in fact usually only rents one at a time. She has 5 star reviews, provides little extras, like bottled water, tissues, local maps and lists of eateries and attractions, and she often runs them around in her car, including to the airport if they have not arrived as self-drive tourists. She provides breakfast.
She has a good lock on her bedroom door for the night time, and her own room, with dressing room and bathroom ensuite, opens via french doors onto a patio with an exit. She only accepts people with good reviews, never allows second visits if she hasn't felt comfortable - and she makes both a good income (her rooms are not cheap) and friends.
So it can be reasonably safe, a source of company, and a convenient source of income.

Well said

HannahD'I feel your pain! I am 68 divorced,brought up 2 daughters on my own. My 35 year old is hard work, was as a child too. She always finds fault with me yet I put her through uni, she got a good degree, Pharmacology& Immunology, has got a really good job. Got married,wedding cost a fortune...funded mainly by me...git Divorced 3years later now in terrible financial difficulties so shes coming back home!!! Just dreading it but she has to get out of this debt cycle. I've told her she has to pay something towards her keep...she knows this.. I told her what I wanted and she's saving over 1k p/m... it has to go towards clearing her debts...I am dreading it as everything is always my fault,in her eyes.... I just don't need the stress anymore. Im fit and well and want to stay that way.. I have no answers for you but I feel your anguish. Take care

Your daughter invited the explaination. I admit its horrid when those close to you make you feel
absolutly pants but don't take responsibility for what she is feeling. She has to come to terms with that herself. You are lonely and putting things in place to change that. She is sad and will need to find strategies to change that. Hug it out and accept you both have fragilities that make you both feel vulnerable at times. Wishing you both a happier future.x

I feel like Skydancer a lot of the time with my daughter and there's a lot of sense in Monica's post too.

Don't fall into your daughter's trap of overthinking everything as it only brings insecurities and anxiety. She simply doesn't like the inference that your loneliness is somehow in her head, connected to her and is deflecting.

Let it go, don't feel like you have to tread on egg shells, keep busy and using that overused modern cliche, live your best life. Incidentally I don't think Airbnb would address your loneliness as it can be hard work and restrictive on your time waiting for arrivals and changing beds and cleaning.

I ran an Airbnb from my old home. I rented an en suite bedroom with shared facilities e.g kitchen area (utility room with kettle, toaster etc) and conservatory. Met some great people and it was nice just knowing someone else was in the house. Some guests I didn’t see much of and others more so.
I’d definitely go for the Airbnb.
Having a loving daughter and son it amazes me that children can treat their parents in such an awful way. Of course some parents deserve it but so many of my friends were wonderful
Patents and their children treat them appallingly. I would give your daughter a good broadside and do what you want to do!

One of my daughters told me I was guilt tripping her when we were having a discussion!

M0nica

Good grief, the OP's daughter is training to be a psychotherapist and yet has so little insight into her own behaviour. Does this apply to all psychotherapists?

The OP simply told her daughter about plans she has and gives a simple reason why she has them. Essentially 'Now I am on my own I am not used to it and would like to sometimes have someone in the house ovenight'.

It strikes me as perfectly normal and reasonable statement to make, and I can see no reason for her DD to get so ansy about it. There is absolutely no reason why the OP should need to apologise. As for her daughter, Is there a reason why she is so insecure? As I said it would bother me that someone studying psychotherapy should be so lacking in personal insight.

On the whole M0nika, I’d say it applies to 80/90% of them and I have years and years of experience working with them.

Spot on red1 Carl Jung created the term ‘Wounded healer’ to describe analysts.

Agree Sasta
Know a few psychotherapist s & they have no clue when dealing with friends & family. It beggars belief

I’m sorry HannahD, awful experience for you. You do not owe an apology. If you have a big enough space, Airbnb can work well, and you can simply ‘close it off’ online any day you don’t want guests. You can also decline guests if you wish, for any reason and Airbnb do this for you. It’s very hard work with the cleaning and sheets etc, then you need to decide if you want to offer breakfast. You won’t have time to feel lonely, but it’s a huge step. Good luck.

Before my DH died in Sep 2022 we had put our names down as hosts under Homes for Ukraine and so he knew all about our guests but sadly died before they arrived. I have to say making the decision to still have them (mother and daughter) was the best thing I did… no empty house and both ou DDs have been fully supportive. It is like having a third daughter as Mum is 2 years younger than my youngest.