Daughter issues

I think ‘sweat able’ was meant to be ‘answerable’. Sorry. 😊

Sounds like your daughter has a guilty conscience over you …..and is blaming you for it! Tell her she’s behaving badly and if you have any more of it she’ll be on the naughty step!

Well as HannahD hasn’t come back in 4 days to add anything to the conversation I don’t see what use the advice is

We still don’t know if the daughter lives with the mother or just visiting makes a huge difference and no one can really criticise the daughter if it is her home

Mothers and adult daughters is so complex - speaking from vast experience here. We are not able to assume the maternal role we had when they were small and they deflect and blame and judge and it’s incredibly hurtful - know that you own your feelings not hers - easy to say I know and harder to practice !

M0nica

Good grief, the OP's daughter is training to be a psychotherapist and yet has so little insight into her own behaviour. Does this apply to all psychotherapists?

The OP simply told her daughter about plans she has and gives a simple reason why she has them. Essentially 'Now I am on my own I am not used to it and would like to sometimes have someone in the house ovenight'.

It strikes me as perfectly normal and reasonable statement to make, and I can see no reason for her DD to get so ansy about it. There is absolutely no reason why the OP should need to apologise. As for her daughter, Is there a reason why she is so insecure? As I said it would bother me that someone studying psychotherapy should be so lacking in personal insight.

No, not all psychotherapists are like this. My 32-year-old daughter is also training as a psychotherapist, in her case for children. She can be very empathetic and is a good listener. If there is a downside to how her training has affected her it is more that she overthinks things, especially her own personal relationships

Grams2five
You are correct. Airbnb began in California renting out room only. Now, many people are prevented from renting a property, because the whole home has been turned into Airbnb business.

I think the remarks you made to your daughter were quite clear and I don't see any need at all for her to take things so personally and especially see no reason to ask for an apology. I didn't think there was any hint that you were blaming her for your loneliness as others have suggested. You have every right to your feelings and to express them to others. Seems she is only interested in herself and not you - maybe she should consider an alternative career path as she doesn't appear to be suited to psychotherapy.
I would however be wary of taking strangers into my home on an Airbnb basis. I think you might find they go out themselves on an evening or want peace and quiet to work or relax after a day of work.

Miss Mellie yes, totally agree

If your daughter has only recently completed her degree she is probably still at the stage of feeling she knows it all and knows your feelings and business better than you. Immature, yes, but a phase that will pass.

Do what you want to do.

If she refers to the matter again, either ignore, or ask why your decision bothers her.

Presumably, she feels that no woman living alone, should let total strangers into her house if indeed that is what you meant by doing AirBand B. I assume if you are intending to run a B&B you have fitted locks to the doors of your private appartments and have a good safe to keep money in.

If what you meant was going away and staying in B&Bs then her objections are far less reasonable.

In either case, do not let her dictate to you how you should plan your life or spend your time.

onedayatatime

Grams2five
You are correct. Airbnb began in California renting out room only. Now, many people are prevented from renting a property, because the whole home has been turned into Airbnb business.

I read somewhere that it was two college students in California who advertised an actual air bed (camping bed you fill with air) and breakfast to a third student to help with their rent. What a great decision they made!

Oh, for heaven’s sake - daughter really got this twisted around! And she’s an art psychotherapy candidate??

She lacks empathy and compassion - many times a sign of narcissism. At age 32 she’s pretty immature.

I’m coming down pretty hard here, * but I say “do not fret.” Let her be, step away from her and take a break!!* Start allowing only the people who understand, support you and that you enjoy being around. If it means she’s out of the picture for a while - so be it. Life is too short.
Daughter needs to grow up.

(If she’s in a relationship, is the partner making her feel insecure? Just asking.)

M0nica

Good grief, the OP's daughter is training to be a psychotherapist and yet has so little insight into her own behaviour. Does this apply to all psychotherapists?

The OP simply told her daughter about plans she has and gives a simple reason why she has them. Essentially 'Now I am on my own I am not used to it and would like to sometimes have someone in the house ovenight'.

It strikes me as perfectly normal and reasonable statement to make, and I can see no reason for her DD to get so ansy about it. There is absolutely no reason why the OP should need to apologise. As for her daughter, Is there a reason why she is so insecure? As I said it would bother me that someone studying psychotherapy should be so lacking in personal insight.

I've met a few people who have studied psychotherapy and have heard it said that some are there to benefit by applying it to themselves rather than others.

Hannah's, I feel your pain, I really do. I think MOnica has hit the nail on the head and at the risk of criticism from some of the more outspoken posters on here I would add my opinion........ Your daughter sounds very difficult and I wonder if there is a touch of Narcissism at play.

Tell her to grow up. Self absorbed ungrateful child.

So...she is supposed to be helping others with their problems, and they have to speak about them so she can help them - but you are supposed to stay silent just in case you hurt her feelings? That's not on. She should show respect. Note that I didn't say "more" respect - because right now she isn't showing any, especially if she is coming into your house to criticise you.

red1

psycotherapists are not always right! Most go into the psychiatric profession owing to their own problems, who in the right mind would want to listen to what can be horror stories day after day?

People who feel the call to help others go into this profession.

To say most go into it due to their own background is laughable

My youngest DD treats me like this! I am just turned 60 and she speaks as if I am decrepit and on my last legs despite my demanding professional career and the copious (as per a live in nanny level😳) child care help she receives from me! She is in her 30’s and in her last year of a nursing degree which rather than making her more empathetic has actually had the reverse effect! She is patronising, insulting and disparaging beyond measure! The only reason I tolerate it is that she is a single parent and two of her 3 children are ASD so she needs support!
I wish I had some useful advice here but you arent alone. My other two daughters are absolutely fine.

I’ve just got home from taking my mother who has dementia out for lunch. I don’t like or love her as she made my life miserable with her controlling me up until I had therapy due to being diagnosed with cancer. In 2021. She has been very lucid today just very repetitive. Constantly telling me that she wants to live with me and how unhappy she is in her care home. I feel so pressured by her but I am in no state to look after her. My cancer is now terminal.

Please continue with your plans to start an Airbnb. Additionally make a list of how you will develop yourself in the coming years now that you are a single person post divorce Your marriage was one of your life’s chapters. The years ahead will be another chapter or many chapters. Your daughter should now watch you develop yourself into the strong person that is within you. Do not be put off by her comments and put -downs or comments from any other people. This is YOUR story. Develop yourself . No one will come along and help you move on after all the years you’ve given to your marriage and your family. You so deserve to become the new woman that you so rightly deserve to be. You will probably find that people will be in awe of you and in the end they will respect you - even your daughter despite herself. Good luck with your Airbnb and all the wonderful things ahead of you.

What a horrible situation Ikiesgranma.
Please look after youself first and foremost.
I know how difficult it is when it's your mother, but I suspect she will run you ragged, and be no happier living with you.

Have you spoken to the staff in the care home about your mum?

In my earlier post I completely forgot to add that another sure sign of narcissism is they lay blame on absolutely everyone else but themselves for their misery. They’ll turn around every situation to make you feel bad.

You’re not alone - I happen to have this going on in my family… a beautiful niece, smarter than heck, two beautiful toddlers, who blames everyone else - previous employers, ex-husband, friends, her relatives. She’s 40, in therapy, and still hasn’t figured it out!

Of course, there are Bad Therapists.
She has to figure that one out too.

No apology needed. I'm glad she's not my daughter.

Add my agreement. If you'd rung her saying, 'I've come to the point of doing AirB&B because I'm so lonely & you never bother to come round' THEN her response would be understandable.But if she's querying something you've decided you want to do (undermining of itself) & then being offended when she's pressed you to explain your reasons for doing it, that's out of order & you're within your rights to have been angry.

Someone I know began doing airbnb when his mum died. He had been caring for her and inherited her house. His grown up DC live with their DM but he's still on good terms with them
He absolutely loves being a host! He provides breakfast and often cooks and eats with them.
Guests are often doing short courses at the nearby university or are parents of students.
They return often.

He makes a small income but he gets so much out of it and is never lonely.

I find it hard talking to my DC about any plans I might have. They nearly always disagree.

Daughters !!!! mine has not spoken to me for 17 years ...I traced her online and find she is now married with a son .......and is in contact with my ex husband, and all her new husband's family (pictured with them) I have no idea why ! no criticism, no rows, etc ...just one day sent me a text following a holiday when I lived in Menorca (with her approval...and holidays twice a year, air fare paid for her and various friends, over the years) she did four years at Uni, Law, and then Criminology and something else ....she had no student loan as I paid her rent, and an allowance, bought clothes, food and stuff whenever I went to visit ....when she moved Unis to study the criminology degree, I bought her a car to make it easier to travel .......things we would all do for our children ...I expected no thanks for this ...just what a mother does ! I offered to buy her a little house but she said she did not want one, so I put money in an account for her .....I know where she lives, so send postcards from my travels all over the world now I am a widow .....I tried to take out a chidren's ISA for the grandson, but was told unless I had his mothers permission this was not possible ! Last communication 17 years ago was following a holiday with us ...she texted me saying 'can we come out for summer ?' to which I replied Of course, just tell me when, and I will arrange flights and pick you up at the airport .......three weeks went by with no communication, (well, she was a student !) so I simply sent a text saying HI ! hope you are ok ! looking forward to seeing you in summer ! I eventually received a text back saying 'DO NOT TEXT ME AGAIN !'....and that was that ! so sad