How to politely refuse the friend that keeps turning up with food gifts

My nuisance neighbour used to bring me in a cake, as a way of getting her foot in my door.

The annoying thing is, cakes are not really my thing, but I'll eat them if they're around.

I take friends food I make which I know they like. I cook gluten free cakes for those who can't have gluten and they like them because they taste better than shop brought. Plus my home made jams, marmalade and chutneys . But I make those my way so nothing like shop brought and I know exactly what is in it so it's safe for everyone. I have never had anyone refuse things I make . Plus I know those who are allergic to food stuffs and make things that are safe for them.

If only all friends and neighbours were thoughtful like you Whiff!

Oh do pass them round I d like that friend Share them I m sure there must be someone who would welcome some extra food

Maybe there's a time to be honest and up front
I'd thank her for the food she has brought in the past but tell her about recent doc conversation how you really need to avoid this and that and that! And that you are determined to stick to it as you need your health
She will be ok with it if not I'm afraid it's tough love, it's a bit odd if she doesn't respect you

Please send her to me I would love a kind friend like this.

I would just invent a strict doctors diet. After all its not far from the truth if you have had health issues and the food is making you ill. Perhaps this lady is lonely or wants to be a closer friend. Take the initiative, invite her round for a coffee or go out with her to a cafe, explain you are now on a very controlled doctors diet and you wont be able to accept any more gifts of food. Then if she still turns up with food refuse it. I dont eat cake and have spent many years trying to find excuses for not eating cakes made by friends or work colleagues. When I finally became dairy intolerant the problem more or less solved itself. If I say I am unable to eat dairy products the 'persuasion' usually stops.

I don’t see the problem. S/he is clearly kind and wants to give you these gifts. Accept them with good grace and hand them onto someone who will appreciate them. Also, if you are seeking to eat healthily, what is your issue with fruit?

Please don't throw food away. There are food banks who'd take it.

I think that this friend is possibly Asian and perhaps Muslim -it's very much in their culture to help someone .
I have some very dry cakes pressed on me every time I see an Afghani gentleman .
They are hard to swallow.
Refusing is rude and insulting as his wife makes them and he thinks that they are delicious .
I am diabetic though I seldom use it as an excuse .
But it's a good along with allergies .
Buy or make this kind person some foods in exchange .

good excuse -I mean !

I think it was very much in my culture to accept something out of politeness too. My Grandma often said "If someone gives you something, say thankyou" but then I was in a situation with my health , Pre diabetic and other problems where I wanted my friend to support me in not eating sweet things around me. When it comes to your actual health I think anyone who cares for you will understand and realise you need a life change. Anyone who supports you will support your life change and not eat tempting stuff in front of you.

This "friend" did not support me. She deliberately carried on bringing cake and I ended up eating it, then hating myself because I'd ended up not looking after my body and I'd not even enjoyed the nasty cake. She was diabetic but she didn't care and continued to eat loads of sugary foods and then get really ill. That's why I realise now, she didn't respect her body, so she wasn't going to respect mine either. After she moved house it was easier without her. I am now not pre diabetic because I changed my life with my diet and in future I'd avoid anyone who doesn't respect my choice to live as healthy as possible.

I respect her choice to smoke and binge on sugary things, but if she was the one asking me not to tempt her, I genuinely wouldn't.

I make chutneys jams and liquors for my friends. I simply suggest if they like it return jars bottles etc for refills. I don't push it if they would like more they receive it.
So you don't hurt your friends feelings insist that the food presents must stop as you are from now on eating a frugal simple diet for your health. Don't go into detail what you will and won't eat. You will have to be much more persistent than you have been.
If you keep it up she hopefully will get the message. You do have to be cruel to be kind sometimes but not rude. Your friend is kind and a feeder a nice nature to have along with her probably large fuel bills.

Yes but we've all seen the tv programme "My 600lb life". The people who live with those poor souls are Feeders. Some selfish people get pleasure out of stuffing someone else, even if it's not good for their health.

It's good to be generous, but not to cross over a line where it actually contributes to bad health.

Just thank her politely, perhaps try and eat the fruit if you like it and freeze what you can if you think it might be useful later for guests. Or you could invent a food intolerance or allergy! If it is disturbing you (and I certainly think it would irritate me to death,I’m not a particularly patient person these days!), then you’ll have to steal yourself to chuck it-unless there’s a member of your family who could eat it. It’s a choice between being economical with the truth or throwing it away. Being grateful is nice but your mental health is important too! Can’t this person take a hint!?

These persistent food presents sound to me as though they are satisfying some sort of need in your friend.
You have explained gently you don't eat sugary food etc so she brings you fruit, possibly acceptable, but curries?
Never mind the cultural implications; forcing food on an unwilling recipient repeatedly seems slightly sinister, as though she is attempting to improve your diet without accepting the reasons for your food intolerances.
You have to stop accepting these 'gifts' because they are causing you distress, and if she is a true friend she will accept your reasons.

"Thank you. You have been very kind. A pity I need to start keeping to my diet from now on."

"Oh thank you. What you cook is always so tempting, and I must stick strictly to my diet after today."

I would tell her that I had to go on an exclusion diet and explain to her what that entailed. Then if she continued to bring food just thank her and bin it. It depends upon how much you value the friendship.

Those polite comments don't work with everyone. I tried that to no avail. My "friend" only stopped trying to feed me when her relationship broke down and she moved out of the area. She knew I needed to lose weight and had health problems, she just did not care because it was all about her.

In the end, not everyone IS your friend even if you think they are- because a proper friend wants the best for you and your health and a true friend would listen and make adjustments because they want the best for you. People who are not really your friend are usually out for themselves or using you to get a need met.

I read recently, we need to stop calling everyone "my friend" because some people are your neighbour, your colleague, your aquaintance.

Friends are defined by characteristics such as shared values and loyalty, listening and responding to your needs.

The feeder person would be better off cooking for a charity that would value them and give them the admiration and thanks they may crave, leaving the person who clearly does not want to be stuffed free to enjoy their life.

I had a visitor who would bring me food she had made, I had seen her kitchen which was not clean and I never saw her wash her hands so binned the food after she left.

I enjoy cooking and baking and as we have a very large garden, we often end up with too much of one thing or another, so I've often made things and given them to friends or neighbours. After reading this thread, I don't think I'll bother any more! I'd hate to think people were just binning anything I'd given them or been ungrateful for it.

You don't sound ungrateful at all. She's a feeder that gets pleasure from giving you her homemade gifts, it's a power thing, dont think for one moment shes thinking of what youd actually like. There are alot of people like that. Does she ring later and ask you if you enjoyed them? She is making life awkward for you and you have your health to think about as she obviously doesn't care about that. The only way to handle this is to be assertive and kind but be prepared for her to feel sorry for herself and may go off you. I would advise you to tell her that you're on a strict diet at the moment and don't want her food to go to waste. If you do this for a few months, she'll get the message, but be prepared for her to give up coming round too.

The best gift is something that someone wanted or needed. If they don't want it (because it's unhealthy for them ) and they don't need it, it would be better to find someone who does. There are LOADS of charities and food banks that would be SO grateful.

Hygiene IS an issue. I was once horrendously ill after eating a home made chocolate brownie offered to me by a neighbour.

Garden produce is always welcome, because it's HEALTHY. I don't believe anyone would turn down home grown veg, unless they just did a big shop and can't use it.

I agree, making cakes and watching someone eat them can be a power thing. I had someone who I told I had a weight problem and that I was giving up cake, make a cake ON PURPOSE and bring it round. When I said I'd told her I wasn't eating cake she made such a fuss, saying that she'd made it especially- that I ended up eating some in front of her as she watched with undisguised pleasure.

At that point it becomes abuse.

Maybe she has few people to share her passion with. I know an awful lot of people who love to bake cakes and muffins and share them around because there is no one at home to eat them.

One of my walking group does it - every time we meet up she brings us a big muffin each in a tin and we all eat them. She hasn't many friends or family living nearby so loves to treat us all. Absolutely no underlying agenda, she just loves to share.

If she knows you've been ill for a long time she may be trying to help you feel better. Try telling her that you don't want her to come round any more if she's bringing gifts as it makes you uncomfortable and guilty that you are unable to reciprocate. She will say that she doesn't want anything back, so tell her sorry but you can't carry on taking her gifts until you are in a position to gift back.