Expectations and obligations?

How do you propose to end your life painlessly biglouis?? Please tell.
I think most people would rather do that than be a burden to any one.

I looked after my two eldest GCs for many years while their parents worked. I was happy to do it.
I don't expect my ACs to look after me. I will do whatever it takes to be independent of them. I know they do care about me but actual physical care - No.

I chose to have my children, I chose to bring my grandaughter up when my daughter died.
They owe me nothing, I have already said to put me in a home, and visit me as mum or nan and just love me without the burden of care on their shoulders.

Poppyred

How do you propose to end your life painlessly biglouis?? Please tell.
I think most people would rather do that than be a burden to any one.

No, most people wouldn't. How would I be a burden to anyone? I don't understand this thinking.
My mum only said this to me once and I told her never to say it again.
Did she consider me a burden when she was changing my nappy? No and neither did I see her as such when I was wiping her bottom in return.

Judy54 - exactly.

There’s also a poster saying she’s now her DH’s carer and how much she resents that.

It was a privilege to care for my DH at home, until the day he died in my arms.

My perspective has always been, “do what you can with a glad heart.” For some it means nothing, for others, everything, and anything in between.

I’m also an advocate for frequent reassessment. Circumstances change, people age, different things come into play. What someone could easily manage before may become overwhelming later.

It should never, EVER get to the point of resentment.

I've promised myself that I won't ever expect my sons to look after me when I no longer can, and I will definitely go into a home .

keepingquiet

Poppyred

How do you propose to end your life painlessly biglouis?? Please tell.
I think most people would rather do that than be a burden to any one.

No, most people wouldn't. How would I be a burden to anyone? I don't understand this thinking.
My mum only said this to me once and I told her never to say it again.
Did she consider me a burden when she was changing my nappy? No and neither did I see her as such when I was wiping her bottom in return.

I think that if you don't have anyone to look after you and you don't wish to go into a home that it would be a relief to know that assisted dying is a possibility..
It's all very well saying you could end your own life painlessly but having worked in MH I know that suicide attempts can bring even worse problems when they don't succeed...

I have told my DDs that the first priority is for me to be safe. The second is for them to spend time with me without doing chores and personal care. I want them to have the chance to live their own lives. This means some kind of sheltered living or a care home. My MIL spent the last 6 months of her life in one. She was visited by someone every day. Visiting her gave us all quality time together because someone else was doing the cooking, laundry, cleaning and personal care. Until she became too unwell to go out she came to Sunday lunch at my house every week and went to visit other family members on other days.

I have had the conversation with my daughter and have told her to put me into a home if I can not look after myself.

Those that say they would not go into a home or will end their life may not have the choice , if you have a stroke and lose capability it will not be up to you.

I was under no obligation to help with my GC, for the very good reason that both sons had moved south to work and lived with their families 150 miles away - and I worked and had other obligations. When I retired my sons thought it would be better for me to live closer to them and now I do, in my own retirement flat where I am independent. They don't have to look after me, but I do enjoy their company.

I’m my mothers carer, she’s 89 very frail and housebound. She lives in a retirement flat , and is able to do personal care and to cook for herself . I’m there 3 days a week and do her shopping, housework, laundry and home admin . And I’m obviously company for her . It falls to me as I’m local and my siblings are 3 and 6 hours drive away. I’m happy to be her carer , I don’t feel it’s an obligation. I do it because I love her . I also value this time I’ve had with her as I’ve got to know her as a person not just my mum and she’s got to know me as a person not just a daughter .
Being her carer has also meant my AC have a very close relationship with their grandmother.
I don’t know what will happen if she develops dementia or can’t do personal care and whether she needs to go into a home .

pascal30

keepingquiet

Poppyred

How do you propose to end your life painlessly biglouis?? Please tell.
I think most people would rather do that than be a burden to any one.

No, most people wouldn't. How would I be a burden to anyone? I don't understand this thinking.
My mum only said this to me once and I told her never to say it again.
Did she consider me a burden when she was changing my nappy? No and neither did I see her as such when I was wiping her bottom in return.

I think that if you don't have anyone to look after you and you don't wish to go into a home that it would be a relief to know that assisted dying is a possibility..
It's all very well saying you could end your own life painlessly but having worked in MH I know that suicide attempts can bring even worse problems when they don't succeed...

No it wouldn't make me feel better at all. I would question the motives of someone who wants to help kill me.
The end of my life could be very painful- I have endured lots of pain in my life because it is part of being a feeling person.
There have been a few times in my life when I was confused about whether I might be better off dead, but they were few and thankfully did not last long.
Now, as I get older I want to mamximise both my physical and mental health as much as I can for as long as I can. When I can no longer do this the last thing I would want now, as a sane person, would be to think about asking for someone to end my life.
I worry about the encroachment of this kind of thinking in society, that life is something we should have absolute control over when we clearly don't.
We should be encouraging people not to end their lives, not helping them to do it.

I have told my daughter that I do not want nor expect her to care for me. I do look after my dgs two days a week, but I enjoy it (mostly) and wouldn't think it was an obligation nor obligated her in the future. I do not have a good relationship with my mother and would not have provided care. It was made very clear that my brother was the golden boy and that has done him no favours over the years. Mum criticised me all her life and nothing I did was good enough. Indeed, just visiting her was enough of a trial. Now she is in hospital, she is generally pleasant but I'm quite sure most of the time, she doesn't know who I am.

My partner and I moved 2 hours away from our family, mainly because housing was so much cheaper, but also because everytime there was a job we couldn't do, he would call on the kids, and they were getting resentful and I didn't want our relationship with them spoiled.
I now have a cleaner, a gardener, a handy man and a plumber all on call and all really nice people.

Poppyred

How do you propose to end your life painlessly biglouis?? Please tell.
I think most people would rather do that than be a burden to any one.

Yes, absolutely agree, biglouis and Poppyred.

My expectations are pretty low regarding how my adult son will 'care' for me in my dotage. I'm 74, live alone with some mobility issues. He's visited here with his family for one day this year - on their way to meet friends for a holiday, and has just informed me that Christmas will be spent with his in-laws so I'm not to expect another visit this year ! Some hope of any help from him in the future!

I don't equate looking after parent to looking after grandchildren. I looked after my mum when she needed me because when I was a child and needed her, she had looked after me.

Oreo

janeainsworth

I would rather be in a care home than struggling by myself, not eating properly & unable to keep the house clean. I wouldn’t expect my AC to do those things for me either, and I wouldn’t expect them to accommodate me in their own homes.
Someone I know says her relationship with her mother improved immeasurably once her mother had moved into a home & she no longer had the worry of whether her mother was safe or not. And her mother was a lot happier too.

I totally agree.

I agree too.

Very interesting topic as I had this very discussion with my own daughter last night. She feels I did too much for my lovely Mum as she aged and in retrospect I agree. what I should have done was insist she had paid help for cleaning, shopping etc rather than exhausting myself working full time and doing it all for her too! The problem was, like many elderly people, she wanted to 'keep it in the family'. I now wish I'd had time to spend chatting with her, taking her out etc rather than cleaning! I on the other hand, as I've had health concerns over the past year, feel my daughter could probably do more!! She however has very clear boundaries (which I should have had) and puts her own very young family first. It's a thorny question especially for those of us with only children. Mind you, I am one of four siblings and I always did the most for my Mum anyway...

There is a legal obligation to look after children till they are 18.
And I think a moral obligation to look out for parents and single childless aunts and uncles. This is what families are all about. I might have had not much more than Christmas card contact with Auntie A but if I hear there are problems I make sure things are taken care of. Friends and neighbours have no obligation. I feel I do.

We looked after our three grandchildren during the week and sometimes weekends when they stayed over until they were at school, then we had them during the school holidays and again weekends. We had days out and when it rained, the children baked, played games, painted etc. instead of being on tablets and tv games. Now I am alone, my husband died a few years ago, I don't see much of our family at all as they have moved away and our grandchildren have grown up but our family do come over and take me out now and again but I know for sure that if I needed them they would be there for me. I am happy in my own little way, have a lovely home, am comfortably off and thank god, in very good health at 81 years of age. We are in touch every other day via text messages and they ring me once a week. I have no complaints whatsoever and am so very grateful that we were able to look after our grandchildren from them being a few months old and also helped our family out and save them paying for childcare.

Yes, I would do it all over again. Such a special time having a massive input into our grandchildren's lives from a very early age. Hundred's of photos were taken of our grandechildren so they can show their children (our great grandchildren) what we all looked like when we were young.

DH and I cared for my DM and DD til they died, with the help of our own AC.

We also cared for MiL til we had no choice but to put her into residential care (DH was main carer, took early retirement, then in 2020 had a heart attack, she has dementia)

Neither of us have ANY expectations from any of our children or grandchildren to care for us.

If and when the time comes that we cannot do so ourselves, we will take whatever appropriate action we need.

From looking at our family history before women started having 'proper careers' - it was unmarried daughters, any single women who were related and then any child free women including in-laws 😳 I'm sure there were plenty of exceptions but the bulk of care fell on women. Also, we had large mental asylums where people with dementia got housed so this sort of care, stressful, very demanding and expensive, was state run. We still need a national discussion about 'social care'....

biglouis, You have totally expressed my feelings. I have children and grandchildren, but hope to God I never have to ask for help. Just shoot me.