family preparing a big party

Just tell them.

How will they know if you don't tell them?

I have a big birthday coming up in October. Same here I don't want a Party.
I booked trip to Boston USA for me and DH back in January, then told everyone.

I would say so ASAP.

My children organised a big party for a significant wedding anniversary and I was really cross and upset.

I didn't know till a few days before when I became suspicious.

Why do they do this?

Thank you Visgirl
you have inspired me to do something different.
enjoy Boston
x

Think it is really wonderful when adult children care so much for their parents, that they plan (and pay) for a party to celebrate important anniversaries for them. Really cannot understand anyone saying they were upset or angry about it.

If people want to make their own arrangements for these special dates, then why do not they just go ahead and do it.

I was 80years old, just as lockdown was starting to finish. Having been so isolated from my family over that past 12-18 months, all I had wanted was to get together with my adult children and their families.

On the day, I was just told to be ready early in the morning by the daughter who lives near me. Then was driven some considerable way to a lovely pub on a river which had a large outside area, but part of that also covered pod.

On arrival at about midday, ALL my children, and their families, all eight of my g.children were there and even my own meal had been pre-ordered. One of my daughters had made a wonderful cake. I could not have had anything better.

It had been difficult for them to make those arrangements at that time, not knowing if it would be have been permitted to go ahead or not, not knowing what the weather would do (turned out to be one of hottest days of the year), all having to come from different places in the country. I appreciate those efforts so very much.

I would definitely say something. I would hate any kind of party being organised for me, and my family know this. Not everyone is comfortable in those kind of situations, Franbern - obviously you had a wonderful time at your party, and that's great, but it's not for everyone.

Be grateful you have children who care and are prepared to organise something for you. Enjoy and go on your holiday as well. Many people either don't have children, couldn't have children, have estranged children, or have children who have pre-deceased them.

Blinko

How will they know if you don't tell them?

They ought to know that you've never liked parties. Some of us have always gone to them under duress.
Then have surely seen with their own eyes?

This is more about not being thoughtful at a time when they should be thinking "what special thing can we do ^for mum^".
Maybe they are egged on by other people who think it's a good idea. I know it comes from a good place but why haven't they engaged their brains??

My parents were "party people" - everyone who knew them could have seen that. The excitement pre-party was palpable and the party would be talked about afterwards - the music, decor, and especially what people wore.

I am different and have turned party invitations down, "sorry I hope you have a lovely time but parties are not my thing" type refusal. I've always been straight. I've only once gone to a work party for example and subsequently just said no.

This summer we’ve celebrated a significant wedding anniversary, I gave DCs a ‘save the date’ card at Christmas. It said that a family lunch at a local restaurant would be held to mark the occasion.
We wanted it low key, as some friends had a very difficult year and some bereavements, so a big celebration would not have seemed right.
We have a holiday planned very soon.

The sooner your family know how you feel, the better, best nip it in the bud now. I hope you manage to arrange something you like for yourself. Good luck.

Don’t listen to some of the guilt trips on here 🙄! If you don’t want a party tell them!! Think of something that you would like and go from there.

We always book a holiday for our birthdays. Low key family get together when we get back.

Tuaim
It's all very well saying

Many people either don't have children, couldn't have children, have estranged children, or have children who have pre-deceased them.

but it is not a reason to endure something on your "special day"!

If you have children who enjoy bungee jumping and paragliding and assume you will, would you expect people to do that too?

Tuaim

Be grateful you have children who care and are prepared to organise something for you. Enjoy and go on your holiday as well. Many people either don't have children, couldn't have children, have estranged children, or have children who have pre-deceased them.

It's not about being ungrateful, but surely if your children care, they wouldn't want to do something for you which would make you feel uncomfortable?

I'm a control freak and hate surprise parties. They rarely go well. I once went to one where the family had arranged the surprise (which for one was a genuine surprise!) but seemed to have forgotten to order any food.

It was a disaster for us as we had travelled a long way. Not even a few nibbles on the tables!

There was a vending machine which we raided for crisps, nuts etc but... really?

Now I hope my children will approach me if they ever wanted to do such a thing but I trust them not to do so.

I organise my own parties thankyou very much, down to the last detail.

When I retired my son told me he was unable to come due to other commitments, but I had the best surprise when he walked in! Some surprises are good ones but I won't take the risk.

I wouldn't want a surprise party either, although I'd show great pleasure and gratitude should someone organise one for me. I think younger people are more "party orientated" and perhaps don't consider that for older people it doesn't necessarily hold the same thrill. The thought of trying to smile all evening and making conversation with 50 or so people is actually quite tiring for some of us! I'd rather have a meal in a nice restaurant with a few selected people personally.

Franbern your birthday lunch sounds perfect and I don't think anyone would object to a get-together with their immediate family and grandchildren.
To have them all together, to be able to sit back, watch and enjoy their banter is a real tribute to you 😊

I think what some people don't enjoy, myself included, is the large gathering of all and sundry where you spend the whole time making small talk with a fixed grin on your face 😬

Am an introvert so a big party is my idea of hell, don’t get me wrong I love seeing the family but not all in one go with various hangers on in attendance. However, they know this so for my 60th my daughters booked a nice cottage for us in North Wales and they stayed in other cottages nearby, was an old farm with outbuildings made into cottages. We stayed a few days, of course it rained, but we got out and about and really enjoyed it.
For my 70th in 3 years time my DH and I intend to go to Australia for a month.

I quite understand Bingbangboom. I don't like parties much but this year my granddaughter and her family has arranged a visit from Creepy Critters [I think that's what it's called]. I could choose up to 5 creatures to learn about and even handle them if appropriate. I went to a group one a little while back and had a really interesting time but this time it will be in my own home! Can't wait.

Well, it wouldn't happen to me but I would appreciate the gesture very much. I do love a party though.

My children have never organised anything for a special occasion be it big or small. Would be lovely if they were to offer, because I am not a natural party planner.

You are right V3ra
More of us would be happy with a family meal - probably.
I would.

Maybe the OP should suggest that instead if it would be nice - in her opinion?