Family bully/ what to do.

They visited you in hospital and were nice, possibly because their supply, ie you, was at risk. You owe them nothing. If they've been abusive for years, they might not accept a stronger you, which is why I asked if they would just turn up. Leave a final message so they are in no doubt. "I will no longer put up with your abuse. Do not contact me again." And then block and delete

If there is no trusted family member to confide in I'd seek professional help as to best ways forward. All the very best: I'm not sure of how/from whom, maybe others have an idea.

No they wouldn't like a stronger me. They are misogynistic.

Oh there are trusted members of the family to confide in, but none will tackle this one for sensible reasons.

You keep coming out with reasons why you can't share this problem with anyone else in the family. Why is this?

If you really do think you are the only one they are abusing, then why do you think that is?

You say you have never deleted any of their messages, so why can't you select some which don't contain anything that breaks anyone else's secrecy, and share those with family members, asking whether this person is as nasty to them?

You say that you think some of the messages would be of interest legally, but you won't involve the police. Why not?

What help are you looking for from this site, when you won't try to get help from people who know the abuser and know you, or who are professionals in dealing with abusive bullying?

Wyllow3

If there is no trusted family member to confide in I'd seek professional help as to best ways forward. All the very best: I'm not sure of how/from whom, maybe others have an idea.

Just this.

If I am understanding correctly, you say the person has MH issues, but has not be formally told that, or at least it is not possible knowledge.
Which could mean you have got that wrong?

Unless you are willing to change something about your own behaviour towards the person who is sending you messages, what more is there to be said or done?

A bit like, and I cant quite remember the phrase, but it ends with "and you get the same result".

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00opsidia

What would you do if you had months worth of abusive messages from someone in your family, just on your phone?- (There are extensive texts and some are voice messages full of hate)

You could ask why I haven't cut them off , but sometimes they are nice to talk to and it gives me hope, but then it reverts to abusive. I wouldnt let anyone else talk to me like this, so I shouldn't allow it to continue. I shouldn't keep getting hopeful that we are making progress and then allow the hope of that to put me in a situation where I am abused again. I think any hint of niceness is accompanied by them trying to get me to do something I'm not comfortable with or unable to do, then the abuse comes.

I have a few options. I could ignore all family birthdays and Christmas's for the foreseeable and live life as if they don't exist.... or I could get some kind of legal action against them sending me these messages to make sure they never trouble me again (but that seems so final and leaves no room for change)

What would you do?

This kind of abuse is horrible, the abuser keeps you on the hook by occasionally being nice when they want something from you, then they continue with the abuse.
Is a cycle.
Getting out isn’t as easy as some might feel. After years of abuse by a close family member you would assume the abused would just call time on this relationship. Yet many continue to take it, perhaps because of a difficult and delicate family dynamic, perhaps because the abused has been so diminished by the abuse that they haven’t the strength to fight it, or they keep hoping things will change.
00opsidia, you need to cut relations with your abuser and any family members who take this person’s side, for your own well-being. Hard as hell but what is the alternative?
Sending hugs xxx

00opsidia

What would you do if you had months worth of abusive messages from someone in your family, just on your phone?- (There are extensive texts and some are voice messages full of hate)

You could ask why I haven't cut them off , but sometimes they are nice to talk to and it gives me hope, but then it reverts to abusive. I wouldnt let anyone else talk to me like this, so I shouldn't allow it to continue. I shouldn't keep getting hopeful that we are making progress and then allow the hope of that to put me in a situation where I am abused again. I think any hint of niceness is accompanied by them trying to get me to do something I'm not comfortable with or unable to do, then the abuse comes.

I have a few options. I could ignore all family birthdays and Christmas's for the foreseeable and live life as if they don't exist.... or I could get some kind of legal action against them sending me these messages to make sure they never trouble me again (but that seems so final and leaves no room for change)

What would you do?

Is the person sending you these messages a member of your family?. If yes, and you get along with other family members, then I would send them a copy of the text messages and let them see for themselves what is happening.

If not a family member, I would report them to the police, this is harrassment and I have no idea why you are putting up with it. I would just block their number and have done with it.

Apologies, I see it is a family member. Send your other family members copies of the texts and let them deal with it.

I see you are answering posts which gives more details than the original post so I am getting behind with the replies.

If no other family member can help, then I cannot see the point of having a family who will not support you. Just stop answering the phone, block their number aned keep away. Regarding family get togethers, if this abusive person turns up then walk away, it seems to me you have no support at all.

Wow super judgemental message from Elegran well think what you want. I wish I was the sort of person who posts things for sympathy. Actually there is much I can't say and I won't out myself on the internet to make you feel better. Of course I know the truth but you can whistle for it because I have a right to anonymity.

My other family members cant deal with it and we don't want to involve police. I don't know whether to send a message blocking said person or just not respond.

Have you posted anything on any other GN threads or topics, 00opsidia ? The Gransnet search box doesn't show any other posts from you.

I don't see the need for such unnecessary harshness Elegran. An unhelpful and probably upsetting response for someone seeking advice for a particularly upsetting family situation.

Maybe the search facility isn't working Elegran, the OP's posted on the estrangement forum. What are you implying?

I feel that this must be a son or daughter OOopsidia: otherwise you would have done something about it by now. No one can hurt you as much as your own children can they?

Sounds like emotional blackmail…..I don’t have an answer. I nearly cut contact with my eldest daughter many years back because of her behaviour but couldn’t do it. Thankfully things have much improved by now.

Sorry I can’t advise you, hopefully someone can.

Smileless2012

I don't see the need for such unnecessary harshness Elegran. An unhelpful and probably upsetting response for someone seeking advice for a particularly upsetting family situation.

I second that.
Totally uncalled for.

When it comes from your own child it's devastating isn't it Poppyred and blocking contact goes against every natural instinct, but sometimes it's the only way.

Doing so temporarily might get the message through.

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Post references deleted post Talk guidelines.

If the person has MH issues, I dont think I would expect much change in behaviour until they are sorted.

I think any hint of niceness is accompanied by them trying to get me to do something I'm not comfortable with or unable to do, then the abuse comes.

This part says a lot in my opinion.

The logical view often appears harsh. That doesn't mean that it is intended to be, but people who are not part of the situation and have no emotional involvement can often see it more clearly than those in the middle of it. The Topic title above this thread is "Ask a Gran". To ask a question is to expect answers.

Whatever people might think, no I havent talked about this unique situation on GN before and no one on earth knows everything except DH , who is at a loss as well.

We have discussed getting a counsellor to help us navigate things.

Thankyou to those who have replied kindly and thoughtfully.

I think this is a terrible situation to be in and you definitely have my sympathy.

I've no idea what I'd do in your position but I'd probably respond to the next nasty message with something that says whilst you love them (I assume you do?) you cannot face these negative messages anymore.
I'd say you will be forced to block them if they continue and really hope they don't as when you have pleasant chats with them you really value them.

I don't think they will ever change , given that, this is (another) case of you having to change your reaction to them.

To ask a question is to expect answers but not to expect to be accused of fabricating a situation to play the martyr for sympathy Elegran.