Family bully/ what to do.

I agree with Elegran. You are ridiculously reluctant to cut this person off and you make excuses at every turn rather than do it! People are giving you lots of helpful advice but you poo-poo it all. I am sorry if this comes across as unsympathetic but if you are not prepared to deal with this situation, then you will just have to put up with it. It’s no good asking for advice if you dismiss it all, especially not when that advice is sensible and often from experienced posters. To put it in a nutshell, sort it, and if that is definitely not possible, please stop moaning about it!

And to even entertain the possibility is clearly a hanging offence!!!

fancythat

Do you "care" for them, as in say a son?
Or is it say a cousin, and they are not your primary responsibility?

No they are not my responsibility.

Well the police can't do anything. They were threatened by the person and backed down because of the MH issue. They know they can't press charges so they don't want to know.

Did you at one point have a good relationship? What brought this abuse on ? How close is this family member ? I certainly wouldn’t involve police, lawyers and the like. Maybe you could have a chat with a mutual friend/family member, who can mediate. Please don’t avoid family celebrations etc. You will be cutting your nose to spite your face. These kind of situations are awful for your well-being. A few years ago, I went through something similar, with a close family member…..one or two very hurtful texts. But I refused to let it cause ripples in the family. I didn’t fan the flames and it gradually died down. Although, the thought of it, still hurts.
Good luck and I hope you find a way to resolve this …

This is going to wear you down. They are actually breaking the Telecommunications act by sending abusive messages. Speak to a lawyer.

Reading this, I despair for the OP. It must be so difficult, especially if it is your own child. If mental health issues are involved that is even worse.
I can only suggest you get in touch with MIND or other charities who deal with MH. They will listen to you and best advise how to deal with this dilemma. That alone may give you the confidence to deal with this very difficult situation.
I hope you do seek advice and find peace of mind. You don't deserve the mental cruelty you are going through.

You don't gave to read this thread Crossstichfan. If you find what you consider to be the OP's moaning and poo poo(ing) of advice given irksome, there are plenty of other threads for you to read.

No not a hanging offence Elegran just unpleasant and unnecessary.

Block them. End of.

For me it is very simple

I would immediately get myself into counselling to understand the dynamics of the relationship and talk through the experience.

I would think back to this person's past experiences, Mental health issues likely stem from ACEs which are Adverse Childhood experience or trauma that happened as an adult. ACEs are more common.

I would then offer some sort of joint counselling to find out if this is a situation you could work through and repair together.

You don't share any of the content of the messages so it is hard to know whether what you are recieving is true abuse or anger, frustration or accusations. Is part of the reason you don't want to share with family because of information contained about yourself?

If offering joint counselling or other support fails, I would not respond to negative messages unless those messages are accusations about your behaviour in the relationship, in which case, I would want to self reflect on that because none of us are perfect. I would want to apologise and change those behaviours while remembering mistakes can never be undone

It's always important for me to be the better person and do what I can to resolve issues

Smileless2012

You don't gave to read this thread Crossstichfan. If you find what you consider to be the OP's moaning and poo poo(ing) of advice given irksome, there are plenty of other threads for you to read.

No not a hanging offence Elegran just unpleasant and unnecessary.

Sorry if I gave the wrong impression. I don’t find her moaning irksome in itself, I just wish she would accept and act on some of the advice so kindly given. Otherwise, why ask for it?

I would have a transcript made of these messages, send a copy to the local police, as it is a criminal offence to harrass anyone with threatening or abusive messages, and get a solicitor to write a very sharp letter to the author of these messages, requesting him or her to desist from this kind of contact with you in future, or rather I would state from all and any contact with me in the future.

Whether the sender is mentally ill (convenient excuse) or not, you should not put up with this sort of thing, as it obviously worries you.

I would immediately get myself into counselling to understand the dynamics of the relationship and talk through the experience.

Even if it as the op says, soemone she is not responsible for? eg a cousin?

You say, op, that you wouldnt allow anyone else to talk to you like the person does.

Do they have some sort of hold over you?
Knowledge? Physical? Emotional blackmail type thing?

There seems to be a reason why you let this person get away with things that you wouldnt let other people do to you and say to you.

I think many are overlooking the fact that with cases like this giving too much detail can be painful, and with any post concerning abuse it is always best not to be judgemental.
If posters don’t know how to give advice due to the lack of detail perhaps a little sympathy would go down well.

I would block them. The worst abuse is when it's intemittent ie as in your original post they reach out & "She wants to be my friend!". She doesn't. She's manipulating you. If you block them & they do really want to still connect wth you, there's a million ways they could initiate that, even blocked.I came from a really successful job in capital, loved by all, confidence lifetime high, to a job where I was bullied by a passive agressive,same level, who although she sometimes had a go personally, most the time she got others to do it for her.(I needed to be home to care for my in-laws in their last years). For 3 years I attempted to make her see I'm not arrogant, I'm not London, I'm not after anything she has in her job & sometimes we'd click & that kept me there. I did report to managers but there was a change midway & I think my sufferings were trivialised by the incoming young manager. I gave up & left for a similar job elsewhere after 3 years, but my confidence was zilch by this time & I've been treated for depression since & altogether, I should've left on D3 of that job.People are manipulative, if you have abusive texts from her, block her.

P.s. If it’s not your son or daughter OOopsidia then I would block them and don’t take anymore sh**.

fancythat

^I would immediately get myself into counselling to understand the dynamics of the relationship and talk through the experience.^

Even if it as the op says, soemone she is not responsible for? eg a cousin?

I am assuming someone closer because contact hasn't stopped

VioletSky

For me it is very simple

I would immediately get myself into counselling to understand the dynamics of the relationship and talk through the experience.

I would think back to this person's past experiences, Mental health issues likely stem from ACEs which are Adverse Childhood experience or trauma that happened as an adult. ACEs are more common.

I would then offer some sort of joint counselling to find out if this is a situation you could work through and repair together.

You don't share any of the content of the messages so it is hard to know whether what you are recieving is true abuse or anger, frustration or accusations. Is part of the reason you don't want to share with family because of information contained about yourself?

If offering joint counselling or other support fails, I would not respond to negative messages unless those messages are accusations about your behaviour in the relationship, in which case, I would want to self reflect on that because none of us are perfect. I would want to apologise and change those behaviours while remembering mistakes can never be undone

It's always important for me to be the better person and do what I can to resolve issues

Thanks VS, I did offer joint therapy but it was refused. I am looking at sole counselling.

No the messages are not about my behaviour at all as I have been very care ful to only be kind , bearing in mind this is a troubled individual.

Yes, it's important to be the better person, I agree. But if someone refuses to get counselling with you and gets angry at anyone having counselling, it makes it very hard to progress. I have tried very hard to resolve things and been very patient, but its so bad for my health.

Yes it is ACE's and I know about those too @VioletSky. I think unless the person is ready to deal with those and accept help, it's best to distance otherwise I just end up as the punch bag for all the things that are wrong in their life (none of which are my doing)

Hand on heart I can say I have always done my best, but sometimes your best isn't enough. Relationships take two. I do agree with everything you've said , but I can't do it alone.

I agree 00ops you can't be someone's emotional punch bag regardless of any mental health issues they may have. It's up to them to recognise they have a problem and seek the appropriate help.

Not all mental health problems are due to adverse childhood experiences. We have to be careful not to always be prepared
to buy into the 'it must be the fault of the parent' mantra, placing all responsibility onto the parent and completely absolving the abusive AC.

Just tell them you will not tolerate this abuse and you are going to delete their number and block any messages from them.

You have to cut this person out of your life as it is affecting your state of mind and health.

You've done well to even try to get this person into counselling, but what I think now is to go to it for personal support whilst you do try and block this quite ill and destructive person. I say that as it seems the case there is an emotional entanglement that makes it difficult for you to just block the person.

Definitely keep past material in case you need to take it in any legal direction.

My understanding as to why you cant give more detail is that . this is a public forum, it's bound to be limited as to what you can say and who you can safely ID.

Lets get this clear. This is a case of elder abuse and elder abuse is a crime.

I accept that this person has mental issues - but elder abuse is a crime, whether the person has mental issues or not. All that is different is how the police, justice and mental authourities react to it.

This person is behaving in the classic abuser manner, first Mr/Mrs Nice, then Mr/Mrs Nasty, then Mr/Mrs Nice, and so on ad infinitum. Winding you up and keeping you there all the time worrying and wondering what they will do next, meanwhile watching you like a live fly stuck down with a pin, wriggling around and tryingto escape, but unable to do so. You have a choice. Either you keep suffering or you take some action, there is no alternative solution.

So what do you do? You prepare your dossier of as many of the messages you can get together as possible, along with a timeline showing how long it has been going on and the frequency of the messages. Write about the mix of nice and nasty. Everything.

When you have completed your dossier, go to the police, tell them that you are being psychologically abused by a memeber of your family and that you consider yourself a victim of elder abuse. You could warn the perpetrator in advance that you will do this if they do not stop, but if having made the threat but do nothing when the abuse continues, you are in an even worse situation because they know they have the upper hand.

So the choice is yours, 0opsidia. You continue faffing around, like the fly on the pin suffering and letting your persecutor get the upperhand or you take decisive action by preparing a dossier and going to the police.

My betting is that you will do nothing, just keep wriggling on that pin. My experience is that the most difficult abuse to deal with is elder abuse, because the person abusing the older person is a relative and they do not want to upset other members in the family. So they suffer, and suffer and suffer, like you are doing now.

I am sorry if this reads as a brutal post - no, actually I am not. I am being cruel to be kind. I am horrified by your situation. I would do anything to help you, but help can only come if you are prepared to stiffen your spine, say 'enough is enough' and deal decisively with the problem.

Ask yourself whether you really are prepared to suffer like this until you die, rather than upset family members? I cannot believe that is so.

Here is a link to an Age UK Factsheet www.ageuk.org.uk/globalassets/age-uk/documents/factsheets/fs78_safeguarding_older_people_from_abuse_fcs.pdf

I suggest you talk to someone independent. Start by talking to Age UK, ask them whether they can find someone who can work with you as your advocate (not a lawyer of any kind) but a person who will walk with you and be with you as you do all that is necessary and help you deal with the legal side of things.

At the end of the day 00opsidia the ball is in your court and only you can decide where to hit it.

Here is a link to an Age UK Factsheet www.ageuk.org.uk/globalassets/age-uk/documents/factsheets/fs78_safeguarding_older_people_from_abuse_fcs.pdf

Accidentally inserted the link twice. It should just be at the end.

Emotional entanglements are unhelpful sometimes. I have always kept all messages, in case of anything. I have proof of every conversation, that I've been nothing but kind and patient, encouraging at appropriate times.

I did comment on the state of my health (It's been a bad year- been in and out of hospital a lot) and that I wasn't up to having these conversations, that I need time to heal.

I chose this forum because (to me) "ask a Gran" gives me a mental image of a friendly, caring Granny who patiently and kindly gives advice. I was lucky to have an amazing Grandma, so that's my association with the word "Gran". If someone asks me a question I try to be kind because you never know what the rest of the iceberg is.