Family bully/ what to do.

00opsidia

Yes it is ACE's and I know about those too @VioletSky. I think unless the person is ready to deal with those and accept help, it's best to distance otherwise I just end up as the punch bag for all the things that are wrong in their life (none of which are my doing)

Hand on heart I can say I have always done my best, but sometimes your best isn't enough. Relationships take two. I do agree with everything you've said , but I can't do it alone.

The thing you have to remember is that an individual is responsible for themselves

If someone has trauma or mental health issues, it is their responsibility to heal from that, we can't do it for them, only offer our support while they do

Actually I spoke to a abuse helpline last week for an hour, but I have been unable to join their support forum so far because they keep saying my password isn't secure enough. I keep trying and will continue to try as I think that will be the most helpful.

Thankyou for the helpful ideas and just to clarify, I am not concerned with hurting their feelings - it was hard for me to accept I needed to let go, but I had no choice. I told them already that I didn't want to continue the conversation because I'm trying to focus on becoming well. But I didn't block them.

I don’t agree, OP that even with all the advice you are receiving here, that it will be at all easy for you to make a decision and act on it, to eliminate the abuse you are suffering.

And it is abuse. Why should this be allowed to continue? Only you can stop it. I assume you just need to offload this situation, without too much identifying detail, but family and friends are out of the question and it’s hard to know where to turn.

So, where to start? I think before seeking some professional help to assist you with the fallout to come, you must stop playing. If you’re no longer part of the sick game that this person feels certain you don’t have the guts to stop, then show them you damn well do! Tell them, no more, they’re blocked. The end. This is obviously someone close who feels they’ll be able to play mind games indefinitely. A Son, I’d imagine, and someone who’d feel safe that his Mum could never shut him down.

Shut him down. You say you’ve been really ill. You must care more about yourself and start to build a better situation for yourself and stop living in hope that this person will suddenly have a Road to Damascus moment. He/She showed they could only do that when they felt some panic at your hospitalisation.

After blocking, then find a good Counsellor. Start to rebuild your strength and resolve to not be the abused. You’re worth more than that. Stop being reliably compliant/hopeful enough that things will change when only you can change them. It’s then that this person may have a good while to reflect, regret, seek help. Who knows? But in the meantime you’re not enabling your abuser and the torment will stop.

I wish you strength and I wish you well. 💐

Gingster

Just tell them you will not tolerate this abuse and you are going to delete their number and block any messages from them.

You have to cut this person out of your life as it is affecting your state of mind and health.

Tell, ignore then block, and ghost. Logical.

Or do as M0nica suggests, though it sounds too much bother.

I would recommend looking into grey rock, low contact and no contact

Because if grey rock doesn't work you can try low contact and if low contact doesn't work you can try no contact

It gives you a path to walk

You cannot save them by enabling them

^ it was hard for me to accept I needed to let go^

Are you a people pleaser?

You may find it helpful to read up some things about why you let the person do such things to you.

You may then find the letting go process easier.

I agree with grandetante JE65. No one should have to put up with continuous abusive messages, no matter who the person is sending them, because as long as it’s brushed aside with varying excuses, it will continue - and obviously, with the pain it’s obviously causing to the recipient, this can’t be allowed to continue. So please, for your long term well being, call a halt to this and call them out on it. 💐

Delete the second “obviously” there. Oh, for an edit button!

VioletSky

I would recommend looking into grey rock, low contact and no contact

Because if grey rock doesn't work you can try low contact and if low contact doesn't work you can try no contact

It gives you a path to walk

You cannot save them by enabling them

@Violetsky I have been grey rocking for years. LC seems to work best or I just listen while they rant about their problems and don't have to say much that way. I don't mind being supportive, it's just when it starts on me that it's very unfair.

I hope I haven't been enabling them in any way...

@Fancythat I don't think I am a people pleaser now, but I definitely used to be one.

@Ziplok I did call them out and I'm keeping all the messages. In the past I've let myself be beaten down, but my health has taken such a battering this year that I just said no.

@GrandmaFrench that does seem likely but it didn't last for longer than two weeks. Then I was supposed to snap to it and be all sorts of things I couldn't be. There is a complete lack of empathy and understanding of the illness I'm recovering from and not once have they offered me a trip to the hospital or anything useful. In fact I was abused when I explained why I couldn't help them.

That abuse and complete lack of empathy has been the final straw.

Unfortunately, with abusive people, if they are hurting us and they know it we are enabling them

Yes. I'm not sure how "aware" the person I mentioned actually is, but most people would surely have awareness that they are behaving in a damaging way.