Why are people so spiteful?

I also don't understand why some people are so spiteful .
There was one in every class and one in the workplace .
I call them Iagos .
I've encountered them at my church and find it really upsetting.
We are supposed to be Christians .
But I have to remember that they are of a certain age and probably have compromised mental and physical health .
I volunteered to help with flower arranging and I now dread it .
The lady in charge can't cope .
She doesn't order enough flowers, she criticises my arrangements and has even removed one , she doesn't strip off greenery and she forgets to put water in the vases .
I'm left with all the clearing up .
And there's one in the cafe group that sometimes meets after church .
This lady calls me "that foreign woman "
(I'm English )and refuses to sit at the same table.
Last Sunday , I got a table for her group and the Vicar and was happy to sit nearby .
She made an embarrassing spectacle of trying to get another table.
The staff were shocked.
The crowded cafe fell almost silent as she continued .
Finally ,she was told that there wasn't another place .
I sat with someone I know and wasn't that bothered ,but regretted going .
I have an increasing circle of friends at church and I'll continue to go, but I'm disappointed .

She will find out that she is excluded and and will probably really upset her. Excluding someone says more about the character of the person doing the excluding than it does about the person they are excluding. Stick with Jenny and try and do things with Jenny and other members of the group.

My daughter lived next door to a lady who was very involved with the church, and she cried when she heard some of the things the neighbour and her friend had to say about other members.

WHY ARE PEOPLE SO SPITEFUL
An interesting but rather depressing subject. There are people who just enjoy causing other people to feel miserable and left out. Perhaps it’s a power thing.
I now live in a very nice flat in a block that is for over-55s, though we are mainly over 70s. Men and women but mainly women. Its not warden controlled but has a lift and great security and is very quiet. Perfect you would think. Except for the dynamic among the residents. One formed a ‘gang’ of her favourites and the bitching and backbiting and malicious gossiping here is unbelievable. In fact worse than any experience I had in the school playground or at any time since (which includes school staff rooms!) .
From time to time the ‘gang’ have made my life hell. Who would have thought? Finding somewhere else and coping with another house move isn’t really possible for me.
It only takes one person to spoil things for everyone and not easy to stand up to them.

When asked, did she say why she did not want the other lady? Sometimes, there are falling outs we do not know about. I know a lady who comes across as really sweet to a group but was on the receiving end of her rather spiteful actions which made me stop and hold my breath as it was so underhand and nasty, I could not believe what I had experienced. Is Jenny all she appears to be? I'd dig a bit deeper before leaving the group or keep an ear out for what others may say.

I think I would post on the new group (so Jenny can't see it) and say very clearly that you won't be using the other one, as it is so unkind to Jenny and you can't understand why this has happened. Then continue to use the old one.

It is very possibly the case that a number of people haven't noticed that Jenny has been excluded - in a large group few people would check all the members. When they realise what's happened, Susan could end up with egg on her face, and it would serve her right.

I would leave the group and tell Jenny what they have done as she does not need to be with people they clearly don't like her. She will be very hurt but you will be acting as a good friend should. Also why would you want to be with people like that . That Susan is a piece of work .Can't really put what I think of people like that as it will be deleted.

I am a member of a craft group. I joined the week I moved here and was welcomed with open arms . We have our what's app group and talking to each other everyday. Each of us would walk on hot coals for anyone. We have people who can come every week but others only occasionally because of work and other commitments but with the what's app group we are all in touch with them. They are true friends and we help eachother. We are an odd bunch and in another life would never have meet but my life would be the poorer for never joining them . There is no difference between who is well off and those that aren't. But we love being together .

I moved over 100 miles to the north west and have never meet such warm open hearted people as I have meet here . We are loud ,naughty sense of humour and have all the tee shirts between us. People come but don't always stay as we are not for everyone. We are a mixed medium group I cross stitch others knit,crochet ,colour in books ,etc. Few weeks I wasn't well had a choice feel ill and annoyed at my own body or go and be with my friends so I went and just talked and eat biscuits. Felt so much better afterwards. If you lived in the north west you and Jenny would be welcomed with open arms.

I too would not want to be part of such a group and hope I would have the courage to say exactly why, even at the expense of losing a “friend” I’d be better off without.
Playground behaviour, isn’t it?

Leave the group, and tell Jenny why you’re going!

I would have asked Susan why she had excluded Jenny, and remarked on the help Jenny has given her.

I'd start up or join a different group with Jenny and leave the others to be with the spiteful Susan.

I don't think telling Jenny will achieve anything except hurting her. If the others in the group are unaware of Susan's behaviour they may well rally round and Jenny need never know. It would be awful if Jenny lost her social life because of one spiteful person, and felt that all of her 'friends' disliked her, when that is probably not the case.

An extra thought? Have Jenny said she does not want to be a part of the new group? I think when you have explored these avenues, you will get a better picture. Has Susan been spiteful before and is there some gut feeling you are getting from her that tells you she is the class b***h? There are often hidden stories that lie behind which one can only try to get a hint of. If Susan has really been so spiteful, then maybe you should suggest a second administrator to get a more balanced admin. Is Susan one of these queen bees? They can have a real sting.

nanna8

I’d either leave the group or invite Jenny to join - just oops, your name was accidentally left off!

I think only the administrator can invite someone to a WhatsApp group, not any member.

It seems very spiteful and underhand and I wouldn't want to join them knowing just one person has been left out for no reason.

However, I would be asking the whole group if they realised this had happened and if it was a mistake.

You could suggest to Jenny that you and she join another group if there is one locally.

I would leave, and tell Susan you’re not comfortable with excluding people. The group has been set up to exclude one person who does not deserve it, but is bound to find out some time and will be incredibly hurt.

I've found with big groups such as Townswomen's Guild there are large cliques within the group who go off for lunch to 'exciting places' 🤔
A friend always seems to be included because she "networks".

Frankly, I'm relieved not to be included!

Always out of the loop. 😀

I'd certainly rather be out of a group than being in one like the one under discussion. Some women can be really bitchy and yet they continue to have hangers on. How unpleasant

Poor Jenny. Perhaps she needs that group to help with her mental health. If she suffers with low esteem then finding out that she's being excluded will only make her feel worse. After all we all like to be part of the pack.

Jenny is a really lovely person, lives close to me with her OH and they would both do anything to help anyone and do a great deal to help Susan who lives alone - they give her lifts when her car is off the road, take her bins in, help with heavy gardening jobs, done her shopping when she's unwell etc. I also believe they have lent Susan money.

Just a thought - what makes you believe that Jenny and her OH have lent Susan money? Unless it was Susan herself who told you? Perhaps Jenny has let slip about this and upset Susan in some way.
No good deed goes unpunished.

When I first did voluntary work I thought would be best to work in a charity shop. Big mistake. The women there were very cliquey and had already snubbed other volunteers who were understandably upset about it. I got stuck between both groups and felt increasingly awkward about it. So I left and joined a local group helping the homeless, they were a motley but friendly group who welcomed me in and I still keep in touch years later. I also volunteered for another charity where they were just as nice.
Don’t stick with it if it makes you feel awkward and upset. Life is too short x

I worked in a small group , where everyone seemed to get on , but I accidentally said something about an evening out to the only person not invited and set of a wholesale row !
Make sure of your facts , ask Susan straight out first before saying or doing anything
The person I thought was uninvited was a troublemaker

aggie

I worked in a small group , where everyone seemed to get on , but I accidentally said something about an evening out to the only person not invited and set of a wholesale row !
Make sure of your facts , ask Susan straight out first before saying or doing anything
The person I thought was uninvited was a troublemaker

Playing Devil’s Advocate here;

In any group there’s a lot of individual characters, obviously. Some people are open and honest, what you see is what you get types. Others can be Machiavellian and hide their true nature, very well for a long time. Maybe Jenny and Susan’s relationship isn’t what it seems.
I’d tread carefully.

Please don't tell Jenny, that would be so unkind.
I would tackle Susan and get the full picture, but to be honest I don't think that I would want to be part of any group that would exclude others.

Some good points to take onboard.
The chemistry between Susan and Jenny and perhaps others is one to find out about.
Can you delicately ask another member of the group why Jenny is excluded?
There could be more to it as others have said but either way just excluding her like this seems a bit harsh and is obvs going to make things tricky when she finds out, which she will.
X

I agree with Doodledog - I expect some of the others didn't know what was going on.

I would probably post on the "new" group that I felt uncomfortable with the exclusion of Jenny and don't understand why she's not been included. I'd say that "I'm not trying to be awkward but will continue to use the other for group activities".
I'm assuming the other is still going?

I would expect someone will tell you privately.

Whatever the reason it seems unfair on Jenny. If Susan has fallen out with her or other group members have it needs to be dealt with openly and not so sneakily.