Why are people so spiteful?

The thing is, if you leave quietly, the bullies have won. If you're feeling brave enough challenge the exclusion on the chat. It's a nasty thing to do to someone. Is she aware of it?

Smileless2012

As M0nica has posted because that is how some people are.

I wouldn't get involved in any of the new group's activities or take part on the messaging page, apart from messaging on there that I wont be because I don't approve of Jenny being left out.

You may find that you're not the only one who disapproves.

My thoughts exactly. Bring her out into the open, and see what others think...
Personally, I think you've done really well so far - I'm afraid that I would have had to say, "Really? That's odd when she and her husband have helped you such a lot..."!

I think excluding just one person is horrible. You are guilty by association if you stay in Susan’s group imo. I would challenge the decision and leave her group. You say the group has helped many of you because you are crafting together towards a common goal. This is wonderful and I would leave your involvement in the crafting group as it is. Leave the nasty schoolgirls to it. You never know, if you question Jenny’s exclusion, others may follow suit.

Your left-out friend will find out, sooner or later, that she has been excluded. It happened to me, and I took a stand - I did not want to be a part of anything that plays favourites. Also, seeing that Da Boss makes use of the excluded friend, it shows what a cruel, nasty, person she is. I'd have raised hell for being included in rotas without my explicit consent, especially as they did it before I'd even joined the group. Creating a new group with the specific agenda of leaving out just one person is so pathetic and childish and obscene. Do you really need to be friends with these ugly souls? You can still take your crafts to the usual places, with the forsaken friend, can't you?

I would email the whole new group and say you've spoken to Susan because you thought she'd accidentally missed Jenny from the new list. State quite clearly that you're very surprised about this as you know for a fact that J and her DH have helped S enormously with gardening etc. Then say that you're not at all happy with excluding J from the group and don't want to be part of such underhand behaviour and so won't be taking part in the new group. You may be surprised and find that others want the same as you.

SueDoku

Smileless2012

As M0nica has posted because that is how some people are.

I wouldn't get involved in any of the new group's activities or take part on the messaging page, apart from messaging on there that I wont be because I don't approve of Jenny being left out.

You may find that you're not the only one who disapproves.

My thoughts exactly. Bring her out into the open, and see what others think...
Personally, I think you've done really well so far - I'm afraid that I would have had to say, "Really? That's odd when she and her husband have helped you such a lot..."!

I would tend to go down that route.

My thoughts are "Bet that's a small town this group is in" - as things don't tend to be like that in larger towns or in cities. Also I would say you're, quite possibly, correct re the lending money. I'm living in a small town now and one of the quickest ways for things to bust up it seems is for one person to lend another person money and the lendee decides not to pay it back/never did intend to pay it back in the first place. I can certainly think of someone here who goes round badmouthing another here and it seems to be the case that he borrowed a noticeable amount of money off her (we're talking a 4-figure amount here) and has no intention of paying her back - and so he just goes round and badmouths the woman that lent him that money and is making out she's all sorts of nasty.

It does happen in small towns that someone makes themselves out to be all sorts of popular and then reacts badly if a more normal person "calls them" on it.

I think myself it would be best to tell your excluded friend all about this. It will hurt her undoubtedly - but she will find out at some point and better for her to find out now (ie before she does any more favours to Ms Nasty One). At least she won't have quite such a long list in her mind of "But I did her this favour, that favour, the other favour - and so how could she treat me like that?". Stop her doing these favours before she does any more for that witch - and tell her that's why you've just informed her what's going on.

I expect the root of this is Mrs Witch has no intention of repaying the money and doesn't want to have group pressure on her to pay it back - hence she's "got in there first" and is badmouthing your friend. I hope your friend has got some sort of evidence in writing that Mrs Witch owes her that money - and then she could do a small claims court route to get her money back. But my suspicion is that she won't have any such proof and will probably have to kiss that money goodbye.

Probably best indeed to distance yourself a bit from what Mrs Witch is turning into "her group" and sit back and see if any of the others join you and a new group can be formed.

If Susan didn’t want Jenny in the new group why didn’t she have the guts to tell her? This is horrible and sneaky. I’m pretty certain Jenny is going to be very hurt when she finds out as she surely will.

When I was in school I took packed lunch and ate with some girls from my class and other older girls. One day the two from my class asked me to sit elsewhere as they didn’t want me on their table. A group of 3 other girls were horrified and invited me to sit with them. They were really nice but I always felt I was there on sufferance and I’ve feared rejection since. It affected me for years. Now I’ve trained myself to be self sufficient. Doesn’t make it easy to make friends. 60 years later I still remember the name of those two spiteful girls.

Just nasty! I’d be reminding her just how caring this lady had been to her and I’d tell her in no uncertain terms so you think it’s ok to treat this lady this way! Well you can leave me off too as I’m not interested

Whiff

I would leave the group and tell Jenny what they have done as she does not need to be with people they clearly don't like her. She will be very hurt but you will be acting as a good friend should. Also why would you want to be with people like that . That Susan is a piece of work .Can't really put what I think of people like that as it will be deleted.

I am a member of a craft group. I joined the week I moved here and was welcomed with open arms . We have our what's app group and talking to each other everyday. Each of us would walk on hot coals for anyone. We have people who can come every week but others only occasionally because of work and other commitments but with the what's app group we are all in touch with them. They are true friends and we help eachother. We are an odd bunch and in another life would never have meet but my life would be the poorer for never joining them . There is no difference between who is well off and those that aren't. But we love being together .

I moved over 100 miles to the north west and have never meet such warm open hearted people as I have meet here . We are loud ,naughty sense of humour and have all the tee shirts between us. People come but don't always stay as we are not for everyone. We are a mixed medium group I cross stitch others knit,crochet ,colour in books ,etc. Few weeks I wasn't well had a choice feel ill and annoyed at my own body or go and be with my friends so I went and just talked and eat biscuits. Felt so much better afterwards. If you lived in the north west you and Jenny would be welcomed with open arms.

I want to move to your area just to be part of your crafting group, Whiff

I agree wholeheartedly with grandmabatty

Astitchintime you are the kind of person I would like for a friend! I am sure Jenny will appreciate it and hopefully others will join you.

I would have feigned ignorance and put a message on the new group, asking why 'Jenny' had not been included'

Do you know for sure everyone else on the second group knows what Susan has done? I would be tempted to put the cat among the pigeons and express on this new group that you are concerned members have been excluded for no good reason, without actually naming who it is. Could also point out that the original group was designed to be a social group which is friendly and inclusive for all.

Yes I would withdraw too because if not you are complicit in the meanness

I think that what could have happned here is that Susan maybe asked a favour of Jenny and her husband and on this occasion for whatever reason they had to say no.Consequently Susan has been outraged and shocked at this as Jenny and DH have never ever said no to her before, thus she cuts Jenny off from the group, using her power as admin or whatever to lash back at Jenny. Do you think that could be possible Stitch ? I have known so many people who are your best friwnd but th firsat time you have to refuse them anything, you are cast as the devil's spawn !

My other thought on that is "Has Lockdown mucked things up?". Certainly where I am it really threw the local social life up in the air - according to whether one did or didn't abide by Lockdown.

Those who did do Lockdown/get those jabs etc had a tendency to throw people out of groups if they could get away with it - despite the rest of us not throwing people out for having the opposite stance. It was pretty one-sided chucking out that has gone on in the small town I live in these days...

pascal30

I would put a message on the new What's app group saying that Jenny is not on the list and can they please include her. If no-one responds positively I would leave the Whattsapp.. I can't bear non-inclusivity.. then continue attending the creativity group with Jenny and whichever members choose to turn up. You could invite other people, you don't need a whattsapp group really...

This is the right response. Susan is being horrible to Jenny and maybe some of the others are as well.

Perhaps the others don't realise and will ask the same question if you do.

I'd leave the group and just stick with the old Whatsapp group.

This is happening to me actually. I work in a care home and I am aware that the permanent staff in the unit where I work are communicating via Watts app group, primarily for work, banter and social plans. Though I work as Bank staff , I am assigned in the unit almost exclusively. So my thinking was I be part of this group. But other than this, the ladies are nice to me and we work well as a team, although I don't get invited to birthdays of staff members and Christmas parties. And the like. The weird thing is I don't feel slighted , to me it's just a job. They can do as they please and they can leave me out for all I care.

It's cruel . Is she a criminal or what! This was set up as a social, not a private, group and nobody should be cast out of a society.

nanna8

I’d either leave the group or invite Jenny to join - just oops, your name was accidentally left off!

Or on this new group just casually mention to ALL something along the lines of oh dear it looks as if Jenny has been left off this group…anyone spoken to her? It’s likely that many others do not feel the same way as this ‘Susan’ ?
If she does all these things for Susan, there has to have been some falling out between them surely…likely money if you think she has been lent money….maybe Jenny is asking for it back….i would look into all this further before just leaving?? Particularly if you enjoy the crafting etc?

Sadly these people exsist everywhere! Walk away.

Unfortunately in my experience of social groups, there are often one or two people who exclude others. It says a lot about them rather than the unfortunate person excluded. If this happened to me, I would probably withdraw from the what’s app group, as the instigator will probably move on to a new target. Too much like being back in the school playground!

Once a bully always a bully. I would definitely not go along with this. I think I would just add on the group list I think Jenny should be included..then you could see the reaction of the others. Bullied often get themselves into organising roles so they can have power over things and most people let them.get on with it.please come back and let us know the outcome.

I left a group last year due to a committee member speaking to us all as if we had not one ounce of sense. Shouting, telling us we had to "buck up" with certain tasks within the hall we used. I did in fact carry out two tasks fully each week but the petulant schoolgirl just shouted at us all and highlighted one of the tasks I did as not being done. Sorry, but no way was I going to be treated like that and left. It hadn't been the first time we had been spoken to like that but no other committee member felt there was anything wrong say oh it's that's just Maude (not real name).

This is very unfair. Susan sounds like the Queen Bee and the others blindly follow her afraid they could be the next one singled out.
Exclusion is bullying and and if this happened at work it would be subject to disciplinary action.
I would point this out to the Queen Bee.
I don't thing I would enjoy being part of that group. Poor Jenny.
Susan in my opion is a rotten apple and the others are the maggots who feed of her too scared of being excluded themselves as I said upthread.
Alful situation for you.