Self centered mean daughter in law

Should I contact her today where we r both calmer? I love having kids on Thursdays but life happens. She says if im scheduled with grands on Thursday, thats it i have them. They r at my house to visit & play with nana. Not to do errands or go to doctor appts. So that's when i said ok i will no longer take them on Thursdays. I wont do a scheduled day, i will take them whenever. It's not like she is going to work & im screwing her up. But I do want to settle this. Not sure how to

That's why I copied and pasted her texts to me. Cause I wanted to show both sides and get some advice. I LOVE having the kids!!! It's her way or the highway!

Yes she does treat her whole family like this. She is the boss. Everyone allows it. When she told me to stop acting like a victim I didn't even know what to say. She kept yelling over me. I said let me speak. It took me a minute to gather my thoughts and breathe and she yelled 3 times u wanna talk so TALK!!!!!!

I have no advice. I just hope you can work things out.

Do have any other children?

Can you invite Mom over for a civilised chat?

What strikes me is the rudeness of a younger adult to an older one, plus the fact that you are her mother-in-law. This seems to be increasingly common in adult child/parent relationships, and is disrespectful.
Decide how much you want to see your grandchildren, and how much lack of respect you can tolerate, and act accordingly. Don't cut your nose off to spite your face, and maintain polite relations. If she is a stay at home mother she doesn't need to you take the children to school; does she feel she is doing you a favour?

You need to be firm with your DiL. You still want to see your GCs so tell her you will carry on but if something crops up she will have to make other arrangements. If she's a stay at home mum this shouldn't be difficult.
I would also tell her that you won't accept abuse from her and if she starts shouting you will leave/put the phone down or not answer the text.
You are helping her out fgs so don't let her make the rules.

I can see your dil's pov - if she does not like her kids being dragged around running errands instead of playing with grandma....

Do you think if you knew this visit was going to interfere with the babysitting, your dil and son would have agreed with with it beforehand?
Many doctor's visits take such a long time in the US, much longer than expected

Just because she is a sahm, it does not mean she is not busy

Your son is on her side - stop making the dil the bad guy

Is this the only incident that has occurred?

Why not coordinate any visits with your son?

Astitchintime ,

Yes she does talk to her mom that way. They have always Two tools put up with it

ah..its interesting she talks to her own mom that way too. You aren't being singled out.

I cant help feeling that despite all its better to have an agreed day/half day rather than leave it open, as opposed to vague now and then or as and when.

And tell other people like your sister its the time in the week when you cant help out except in emergency.

It occurs there are so so many more complications and recriminations possible with an open situation. And the possibility of losing contact with grandchildren.

and what others have said, put the phone down or walk out if abusive. And no, its not fair at all, but you want to carry on seeing grandchildren, and if DiL organises every day in advance you might see them less.

It looks as if everyone in your and her family enables this outrageous behaviour Nana and only you can decide for yourself whether or not you're prepared to be abused in this way.

Whatever her point of view Hithere this level of rudeness and disrespect and rudeness is totally unacceptable and regardless of the OP's son behaviour, the d.i.l. is the bad guy.

Hi there, sorry not sure what sham is. No last year I had the little on for few hours on Thursdays so the big one could go to library reading circle. One week I asked her if it would be ok to skip this week as I was up to eyeballs in work. The very next week my other in law (dementia) got a call for a doc appt she was on wait list for and asked if we could be there in the morning. I said yes because it was very important and couldn't not wait 6 more months for scheduled appt. So I had to cancel. She got so mad and took my Thursdays away saying I was unreliable. The week b4 I asked if we could skip. I did not cancel. I figured not a big deal it just 2 hours while older one is at library. I have never cancelled any scheduled babysitting or even said no to any last minute sittings.

Smileless2012 I agree she it the bad guy!!

Thanks willow3your right. I need to nip this now b4 it gets bigger and take them on a schedule and clear myself for time with them.

OP, SAHM is short for ”stay at home Mum (or mom)”.

You mentioned that your son has stopped drinking yet your DIL "gets buzzed" in his presence. It seems that alcohol may be the crux of her problems (because she clearly does have problems). The big difficulty is that there's very little you can do about it - the impetus to change has to come from inside her own mind. Anyone else's suggestions, no matter how well-meant, will be received badly until she can accept the problem as hers alone. I think all you can do is be patient, be kind to them all, don't over-visit them and, crucially, hold your tongue. Frustrating, of course, but you have this forum to vent to. There are a lot of kind and thoughtful people here, wishing it could be better for you - please take comfort from that.

Adding alcoholism to this is another layer of complications that this board is not qualified to deal with

Ignoring the role your son plays here and making his wife the bad guy makes everything worse

Solution- make your son your liason and stop communicating with her.
Coordinate everything with him.
He is your son. You raised him.

I can see your dil's pov - if she does not like her kids being dragged around running errands instead of playing with grandma....
What rubbish Highthere, the dil is rude and disrespectful, she was shouting over her mil, made her cry,accused her of being a victim. She is a bully.

This lady had a call from her sister to drop her off to the hospital five minutes away, so what if the kids have to go with her, they can all just sit in the car and wait until she comes out. Her and the children need to know things come up unexpectedly and life does not revolve around them.

As for the entitlement and shouting over me, I would not be crying but she may be because I would not put up with it. This lady needs some ground rules in place and the dil needs to be told that other people may put up with her shit but this Grandmother won't. I am so sick of the things some Grandparents put up with just to see the children

I think the title of your thread says it all!

So sorry this is happening to you Nana5almost6. Your DiL could very well be run off her feet and at the end of her tether but that is no excuse for her atttitude towards you. It is rude and upsetting. Tbh if she starts screaming just walk away, don't take it. And would stay away for now. Don't just offer help, make sure you take time for yourself, think of your own wellbeing, keep busy with other things and let her see that you also have a life. As for your son, where is he in all of this? Trying to keep a low profile I imagine and avoid any conflict. Not good enough. Have a word with him, let him know how upset you have been over all of this, he needs to step up.

She sounds vile. She’ll be lucky if your son stays with her. She has problems which she needs to deal with. It doesn’t sound as if YOU are the problem but rather that she takes things out on you BECAUSE YOU LET HER. Bullies need to be stood up to. If you want her respect do not be a doormat or a people pleaser.

You all sound very involved without boundaries, out addiction into the mix and its all bound to explode.. If I
had my gc on a scheduled day it would be for them unless it was an emergency, if an emergency came up she should understand that she as the mother has to make other arrangements, if she can’t do that it may be best if you don't do it. Dont be shouted at, end the meeting.

Sorry, she sounds like a challenging personality.

To mitigate in future, it might be best to exchange any conversations that you think will get heated over text messages.

The message you shared that she sent to you - her response sounds very literal. You asked her a question and she is answering honestly and without any diplomacy. She is enforcing a boundary and is sharing a consequence if it’s crossed again. In her world, a doctor’s environment is a big no for the children. I wouldn’t try to understand why. This (my) generation is very much into having boundaries and vocalising them. Whilst you might not understand the reasons behind it, best not to share your views on parenting rules. Especially with a confrontational personality.

You can’t change someone but you can find ways and learn how to respond to make this work. Protecting your own peace is important too.

As a mother to two young children - I would be so thankful if a grandparent offered to care for my young ones for a few hours each week. From someone who has no support, looking into the actions of someone who has support - there seems to be desensitisation to what she has. I’m sorry she doesn’t appreciate you 🤍

Nana5almost6

She is a GREAT MOM!!! Keeps kids super busy. She is very organized everything is planned out to a T on her calendar. I wish I could copy and paste her text here. Can I??

She does pretty well, then if ( in your words)
she gets buzzed daily on wine

I agree with those who say it is the relationship with your son you need to work on. Blot her out as much as possible, although if your son is working and she isn't I can see this may be an issue.
She sounds very much like my son's ex. There is no communicating with her as all her life people have done her bidding until I came along. I minimise any contact with her for my own sanity as it is a constant battle over the grandchild.
There are innocent children caught up in this too.
I think you need to begin to see there is no negotiating with her- so do her bidding but be there for your son and his kids.
That's the only role you have here.

I think that all right thinking mums and dads should just be grateful their children are (a) not lost and safe and alive..no trips to A&E, (b) fed and (c) entertained and just generally tolerated when they come to collect them.

That would have done for me.