Self centered mean daughter in law

She absolutely shouldn't of shouted at you to the point you were crying.

If you asked to have your GD on Thursday and she missed Gymnastics because of it, then spent it in a car driving around that doesn't sound much fun for a child.
She might not work but may have plans on certain days with deliveries, friends, groups etc and cancelling plans a fair bit can be annoying.

I'm another vote for going through your son of your relationship with your DIL is tricky.

I think I can see mums point of view , you’ve agreed to look after children but then add a drs visit in … regardless if it’s a sick one or not . Maybe the day you have them then don’t book any appointments in and say no to whoever asks you as you are already busy . Regardless of how long it takes . Only a suggestion

HomeAgain123

I think I can see mums point of view , you’ve agreed to look after children but then add a drs visit in … regardless if it’s a sick one or not . Maybe the day you have them then don’t book any appointments in and say no to whoever asks you as you are already busy . Regardless of how long it takes . Only a suggestion

Why should she, things happen unexpectedly. The dil should be mature enough to understand that. This also a good life lesson for yhe children as well.
The DIL wants people at her beck and call she has a vile personality as well referring to her husband as "My Bitch"

The DIL

I must be the only one who does not suggest going through your son. You should have a ‘chat’ with her, and ask her why she feels the way she does about you. My friend had a talk with her son about his wife and it almost ended in divorce.

Yes she does talk to her mom that way. They have always Two tools put up with it
I don’t actually understand this but it seems to express your (low) opinion of them both.
You say you skipped a week but never cancelled
I don’t get the difference, it sounds pretty flaky to me
If you take on a childcare commitment it has to be pretty serious or an emergency to cancel (or “skip”) and taking somebody to an appointment 5 minutes away doesn’t sound like an emergency to me.
But it takes all sorts.

I agree crazy. She has no respect for the OP's son referring to him as her 'bitch' and we've been told that she bullies him. We've also been told that she doesn't treat the OP any differently to members of her own family.

It looks as if there are a lot of people enabling this mean and self centred behaviour, not just the OP and her son.

I was thrilled when my son met someone else after splitting up with his long term girlfriend .
A couple of years on , I had a few doubts and so did his siblings and friends .
They rowed every day and how they rowed .
I could hear the shouting and screaming on a daily basis and I thought that their days together were numbered .
I wasn't sure what was wrong .
I got the impression that she was super clingy and demanding .
I got on quite well with her .
They lived with me and I noticed that she expected to be waited on hand and foot .
I hardly saw them after they moved out .
One day they visited to announce a forth coming planned baby and I was shocked as she seemed to dislike children .
I think that the baby was his idea .
He wanted me to look after their baby .
I couldn't .
I had full time care of my very sick housebound father and they lived too far away .
This angered my son . A decade on and I'm still not forgiven .
I don't think that I shall be .
We used to have such a wonderful relationship - so I'm devastated .
I guess that this girl has replaced me in my son's affections .
I'm really sorry that it's happened to you .
I don't have any magic solutions .
Just concentrate on your own life and do things which make you happy - that's what I do .

Op doesn't need to ask her son about his wife or discuss her with him.

He should be the one who is organising that relationship, his mom having his daughter seeing as the relationship between his wife and mom is resulting in her crying.

@Esmay, sadly this doesn't sound uncommon, but is heartbreaking I know. As you say it is best to just get on with life and draw on the love and friendship of those around you, life is too short.
xx

I really hope that the OP finds some kind of resolution over this .
She isn't being respected as she should be .
I wonder if I would have been treated in the same way .
Let them pay for child care .

It all sounds very chaotic Drink playing a part makes it more out of control You say your daughter in law is very organised and has the children and their activities well sorted so I can see how you ( sounding fairly disorganised) getting calls to do other things on your grandkids day would go against the grain
( an emergency is different… this wasn’t)
As we only hear one side of the story I m sure we d hear a very different side if the daughter in law was talking to us.

To be honest there doesn’t sound anything nasty in her texts she says they ve asked you before to not take them with you to doctors visits ( which let’s face it are rarely 15 mins )they would be bored and fidgety she’s not calling you names or being rude just putting her point across and if you only have them Thursdays keep Thursdays free ( bar an emergency)

Making a mountain out of a molehill in my opinion you just sound opposite people you say she is very organised you sound a much freer spirit I d go with her expectations on one day or is it half a day a week Easier life for all

pascal30

Has your DIL forgotten that you are doing her a favour by looking after her children? I think you need to sit down with your son and DIL and set some boundaries for future care.. I certainly wouldn't accept emotional abuse like this, and I would expect some flexibility if I needed to change my plans to help my sister..

I never think yelling is the right answer so I’m not defendifng dil. But it doesn’t
Sound like it’s a favor for dil it sounds like op
Wants a set day to visit and as such it’s a favor to op.

I agree with Bluebelle. It sounds like entirely opposite personalities. Very organized schedule etc to your more take it as it comes much more relaxed attitude. Bound to but heads. I fry to to keep Thursday free or accept that visits are either spur of the moment (-‘and they May be busy)

AGAA4

You need to be firm with your DiL. You still want to see your GCs so tell her you will carry on but if something crops up she will have to make other arrangements. If she's a stay at home mum this shouldn't be difficult.
I would also tell her that you won't accept abuse from her and if she starts shouting you will leave/put the phone down or not answer the text.
You are helping her out fgs so don't let her make the rules.

It doesn’t sound like she is helping her out. Quite the opposite. It seems the original poster wants a set day to “get “
Her grandchild not that dil wants childcare. She’s allowed the day for mil and mil tends to flake out or fill te day with things like errands. This frustrates and annoys dil - whom op says is a wonderful mother and very organized and scheduled.

Of course yelling and screaming and all is always uncalled for , but the delivery aside I can understand how dil must feel exasperated. She’s given her mil a day to have her grandchild each week and mil in turn does it only when one feels like it and sometimes takes grandchild only for the poor kid to travel along for errands

Good one Doodledog I very much agree with you. It’s best to live, love and let live. ❤️

It sounds like the SAHM dil doesn’t actually need childcare and is instead doing op a favour by giving her time with her GC.

The dil has a schedule of activities like gymnastics and is getting frustrated when her mil postpone/cancels/takes child out on errands when they could have been doing some thing fun/educational.

Your present dilemma sounds like a clash of personalities, your dil organised and yourself disorganised. If you can’t guarantee in the main that you will see GC when you have arranged it, I’d perhaps can the organised one on ones, and swop them for visits with when your son is there.

The messages from her aren’t rude just straight up. The other issues you mention aren’t your business so I’d stay out of that. If you feel she is being rude to you or your son, just say I need to get home now/off the phone or whatever and remove yourself from the situation.

I will say your messages sound very scattered and emotional and dils very straight up, so I think you will need to work on your communication (remembering we can only change our own behaviour) to be more calm, try not react emotionally and see if that removes some of the tension in your relationship.

I’d also communicate with your son rather than your dil and dilute your communication with her where possible.

Hope things improve soon, I had a tricky relationship with my dil at first so I do empathise 💐

I don't think those texts sound nasty, maybe frustrated? If the parents have asked you to spend the time with your grandchild as quality time, that sounds like a positive thing they are asking from you? If you had them often then obviously you must run errands but for one morning a week I think that sounds ok

I don't think whether or not the OP's d.i.l. is doing her a favour or not is irreleant.

Her behaviour toward her m.i.l. is unacceptable.

Esmay . I honestly think we'd have been treated like the OP if we hadn't been estranged when we were. Losing our son and only GC has been truly awful, but I'm glad we're out of it.

I totally understand. I spent years suffering this kind of abuse from my DIL forever turning a blind eye, forever doing things to make her feel safe and appreciated.
I remember once after she had suffered a miscarriage, just before her wedding I sent her a box of chocolates and card ...and she rang me up and asked me why I did that.
I've found out since that she has a genetic disease (MD1) which all my grandchildren (her children) have sadly also inherited. It can affect social intelligence etc as well as muscles so I now see a lot of it was perhaps caused by that. But her possessiveness and paranoia and personal attacks...its so hard to take.
Her children are very sweet and she is a very devoted mother. She's been my DIL for 14 years now...it hasn't got better or worse...and I mercifully have stopped feeling so raw and upset by it.
I remember once after arranging over three days to drive over to see them one Sunday afternoon, involving motorway, full of lorries and ever changing lanes so very long stressful drive for me, but I felt I had to make the effort. And when I arrived on time they weren't in. I remember bursting out crying on their doorstep (which shocked me) I rang them and they came back about half an hour later. She said in future I should have rung on the journey as she does me (she doesn't drive, she's a passenger...I was alone and I didn't have in car phone connection I was concentrating on getting there on time.)
She is an only child, adores her father, and is a bit scathing of her mother. I tried to make friends with her mother but her father got back to me and suggested all messages went through him as he said her eyesight was bad. I just don't go there now.
I wish my son could visit without her but that wont happen although she always turns up at mine looking fed up and furious. She's convinced my son has a very close relationship with me which is actually no longer true in the way she fears now he is a grown up. He's doing his best. I've never said anything negative about her to him. She's never allowed me any time with my, only, grandchildren alone. (that upsets me to write it)
Its a most unexpected nightmare. I've always been a woman's woman and the last thing I expected. I always hoped I'd gain a daughter.
So I have full sympathy. and give you a big hug. Ive noticed on mumsnet you see a lot of MIL-hate and advice for NC (no contact). Its very sad.

I'd leave her and her bitch to it.

I think DIL was right. The text message isn't even rude so I don't know what everyone is up in arms about. Sounds like she doesn't want her kids in Dr offices. She was counting on the childcare you committed to and then you decided to do the thing she doesn't want you to do. So she doesn't want you to have the kids when you do it.

Honestly it seems simple to me. I would bet she knows what you think about her. I wonder if being right is worth destroying family relationships.

Grams2five

pascal30

Has your DIL forgotten that you are doing her a favour by looking after her children? I think you need to sit down with your son and DIL and set some boundaries for future care.. I certainly wouldn't accept emotional abuse like this, and I would expect some flexibility if I needed to change my plans to help my sister..

I never think yelling is the right answer so I’m not defendifng dil. But it doesn’t
Sound like it’s a favor for dil it sounds like op
Wants a set day to visit and as such it’s a favor to op.

yes it seems you are correct Grams

Sorry but your dil sounds crazy! And your son seems to back her against you. She calls him her bitch! Sounds as if she has issues. There’s no way she would make me cry! I think they need to sort themselves out, you have been helping them and getting no respect. I would not be doing anything to help to be honest.if they can’t be decent to you then I’d leave them to it.

Hithere are you a young mom or grandmother?? You understand her POV? WOW!! This lady is being generous with her time and is under absolutely no obligation to look after her grandchildren!! This disrespectful woman doesn't work, absolutely disgusting! I wouldn't do another thing for her until she started showing some respect. And if that means not seeing the GK for a while, sobeit!

HeavenLeigh totally agree