Neurodiversity

If their parents do not think they need extra support at school there is no point in giving them a label.

I would think the parents, who spend the most time with them would no if they needed any extra help.

Yes, it would seem like that Elowen33 but I'm close to a young family with a 15-year-old who almost certainly has autism. He barely gets to school and his dad finds it hard to acknowledge there's a problem, though fortunately his mum does and is trying to get a diagnosis.

Buttonjugs can you think what might have helped you when you were younger and apply that somehow to your granddaughters?

Buttonjugs if you are correct, their mother almost certainly suspects too but doesn’t want to do anything yet or doesn’t know what to do. She needs time. You don’t say how old they are but, if they go to school, their teacher might initiate the conversation. Don’t try to move anything along yourself though, you can’t win that battle and you could be wrong anyway. Just try to treat your grandchildren with the understanding and patience you would have liked for yourself, no more than you’d expect from a grandma.

Buttonjugs you can't do anything. It's up to their mom if she wants them to be assed. You only think they have these things . What if you interfer and you are wrong ?

You say you have ASD did you have this diagnosised?

As a grandparent you have no rights only what your child lets you have . How would have felt if your parents had interfered in your bring up your daughter? The mother has rights you do not . Leave well alone .

Nobody is ASD. They may be on the autism spectrum somewhere but there is always more to a person than just autism. All the other genetic components and their life experience contributes to their personality and presentation.

I think now everyone has a label or an ism. I see mothers out with children and they are always on their phone, I don't think this is just here, they go to a restaurant as a family and stick an I phone in front of the child to amuse them. Where is the interaction. Children having tantrums in a shop and given a bread roll or a cake, probably never paid for, to keep them quiet. I do wonder if a lot of the problems with children is boredom. We were out playing, interacting mode of the time.
Your own daughter knows her own children better, she wouldn't take kindly to you diagnosing not should she.

It’s so judgemental as well as wrong to dismiss the increasing understanding of neurodiversity as everyone having an ism.

Like many grans, I’m often delivering or collecting grandchildren from school. I just don’t see all these dreadful young mothers stuffing children with cakes, or sticking them on a tablet so mum can be on her phone. I see groups of parents, aunties, grandparents waiting as the early years children go in/come out earlier and are united with the person collecting them by their teacher. The children race about, children play ball at the top playground so non footie children aren’t dominated.
Buttonjugs, you may be right but keeling your counsel is probably the wisest move.

If they are getting along fine, then let them be. Just be ready to gently use strategies that have helped you, if and when needed.

I really wish I could have been understood and “labelled” as a child perhaps it would have made life so much easier. There seems to me no doubt I had/have some form of adhd at least now I can stop take a deep breath and try to focus.
I think it’s a case of if you know you get it.

You have to keep your thoughts and opinions to yourself, hard though it is.

People may think being a grandparent is all ice-cream and cuddles. Sometimes it is, but it is also allowing your child to be a parent, and watch them do and say things you don't approve of.

Because my daughter's MIL said something about my grandchild at a very early age my DD became very defensive about my GS, and has been resistant to his getting any diagnosis for him. She just calls him weird! He is doing very well at school and seems to be happy, so what can I say?

All I can do is have my own relationship with him, make sure he's happy and thriving and most of all support my DD whenever she needs it.

I agree with the others. Keep shtum unless their mother asks you or broaches the subject herself.

Elowen33

If their parents do not think they need extra support at school there is no point in giving them a label.

I would think the parents, who spend the most time with them would no if they needed any extra help.

Having an adult child with both ASD and ADHD and a second AD with Borderline Personality Disorder, it really an about so much more than getting extra support at school.

Neurodiverse people feel different, often having different needs to others and many are seeking answers.

I completely understand the OPs concerns.

dogsmother

I really wish I could have been understood and “labelled” as a child perhaps it would have made life so much easier. There seems to me no doubt I had/have some form of adhd at least now I can stop take a deep breath and try to focus.
I think it’s a case of if you know you get it.

I couldn’t agree more.

justwokeup

Buttonjugs if you are correct, their mother almost certainly suspects too but doesn’t want to do anything yet or doesn’t know what to do. She needs time. You don’t say how old they are but, if they go to school, their teacher might initiate the conversation. Don’t try to move anything along yourself though, you can’t win that battle and you could be wrong anyway. Just try to treat your grandchildren with the understanding and patience you would have liked for yourself, no more than you’d expect from a grandma.

This is great advice, however my daughters both “missed out” in being picked up at school because they are both high functioning and very good at “masking”. This is incredibly common amongst females.

All these people who go on about labelling. Would their response be the same if they had cancer? Would they refuse a diagnosis (and treatment) because they did not want o be 'labelled'.

It is not the label but your response to it. There are two responses. The first one is th 'victim status' response always whining and complaining and using the label as an excuse foreverything. The secondis the 'I am in charge' response that says 'now I know what the problem is, I am in a position to find answers and solutions'. These can be not trying to do things that will always defeat you - I have dyspraxia case so in my case riding a bike and whizzing around is a non-starter, I have given up on. I can ride a bike - just - but I put the fear of God in other road users, as it is clear the bike is in charge, not me. On the other hand I can work at routines and work rounds that help me in other circumstances..

There is nothing the OP can do to get the children diagnosed. What she can do is use her knowledge and understanding of the children's problem to guide and inform her response to them in a way that supports both children and parents. Nothing needs to admitted or said.

Leave it to their parents.

I’d leave it to the parents, and above all, if they ever tell you that they’re concerned, don’t tell them that you already knew/suspected. Just be a kind supportive grandparent.

Having a label is helpful if it leads to greater understanding by the important people in their lives ie family and teachers and an improved experience for the child.

If they need support in some way then an assessment might be useful. My daughter has recently been diagnosed. The reasonable adjustments she needed in secondary, I’d already advocated for. The therapy she needs, which I hoped would follow post diagnosis apparently isn’t available on the NHS. So am not convinced going through the process was worth it with hindsight.

I’m with MOnica on the positives we can take from diagnosis. I do not see it as a negative label but as a gateway to understanding . Our neurodiverse family members don’t see themselves as any kind of victims

Granmarderby10

Having a label is helpful if it leads to greater understanding by the important people in their lives ie family and teachers and an improved experience for the child.

Exactly, well said!

Maremia

If they are getting along fine, then let them be. Just be ready to gently use strategies that have helped you, if and when needed.

I agree.
I know next to nothing about this subject but good advice on here.

dogsmother

I really wish I could have been understood and “labelled” as a child perhaps it would have made life so much easier. There seems to me no doubt I had/have some form of adhd at least now I can stop take a deep breath and try to focus.
I think it’s a case of if you know you get it.

I agree.
I was 60 when my then boss was playing about with a personality profiling system. She diagnosed me as an "introspective introvert" and then set about bullying me out of my job. But she did me a favour, because someone else I told suggested that meant autism.
too late to help. but made me stop fighting my nature, and gave me the ability to withdraw when I felt overwhelmed.

dogsmother

I really wish I could have been understood and “labelled” as a child perhaps it would have made life so much easier. There seems to me no doubt I had/have some form of adhd at least now I can stop take a deep breath and try to focus.
I think it’s a case of if you know you get it.

Me too. The times my mum was cross with me at something & I said "I tried" & she would just said "you couldn't have tried very hard".
Dad was more accepting & generally just loved me unconditionally - but I think even with parent - child love he may have been the exception, not the rule.