Friend Not Keeping Her House Clean

Aldom

As the lady's husband has been dead for two years he won't have much input. Although from what the OP says, he probably kept the home clean (er) when he was alive.
I don't think the OP visits her friend in order to be critical. The OP seems to me to be concerned about her friend. She is wondering if her friend is finding it difficult to cope and wondering what, if anything she should do to help.
When one of my friends was in a similar position, food going off in the fridge. Perishable food not kept in the fridge and going off, I realised something was wrong with my friend.
I alerted her daughter, who lived some considerable distance away.
My friend was ultimately diagnosed with dementia.
I'm not suggesting this is the case here, but possibly something is wrong. Maybe depression following the death of her husband.
Alternatively, perhaps the lady is perfectly happy to live like this.
Some people are.

Yes that’s exactly the situation. I’m concerned about my friend. The more I think about her situation the more I’m worried. I know we all have different standards but when things are moving towards a health hazard, that can’t be good.

My dad used to worry about his widowed sister in law he said the food was often very out of date and nothing looked very hygienic mind you she lived alone with no real help only Dad popping around until she was 94 and died of natural causes in the house she wanted to stay in
I don’t think the furnishings had changed since she was married as a young lady and moved in there ….there was still an aspidestra on a tall ‘whatnot’ which I ve now got, painted white with a spider plant on it

Nothing you said in your first post indicates a health hazard’ though…food in the plug hole, out of date food could but probably won’t cause a problem I eat lots of out of date food dirty bathroom sink they are all signs of her not really caring which could be a sign of depression but also quite easily just be she’s not interested in a sparkly house or you just have could have caught her in a bad day

I d be more worried about does she have a purpose, does she go out and about, have friends, family, have interests than her house If family visit they must see and know and be aware

I know she’s never been keen on housework but I think her late husband more than pulled his weight

That’s it in a nutshell. When he was alive, her DH did the bulk of the cleaning. Now he’s gone, it doesn’t get done.

She probably doesn’t give it a thought.

I think many are being unnecessarily hostile to the OP. I understand exactly how she feels.
I have a friend who I have known since school days. She was untidy then. She never married, had a successful career,always had a cleaner, the same one for over 40 years.

I visited her recently and was shocked by the state of the house. We ate with plates on our knees (after we hadcleared stuff off the chairs) becau se the table had so much stuff on it. Walked, no, waded around the house, there was so much on the floor. She and her cleaner are both in their 80s, I am not sure how much cleanjng gets down. Their relation ship is one of 2 good friends.

And of course I am concerned about her welfare, s he is my friend. She has family she sees regularly, but she visits them, they rarely visit her , so do not know the state of thehouse. At what point does untidiness turn into neglect, become a concern as asign of mental decline.

As I said OP, I can see and understand your concern. All you can do is watch and wait and if her mental health seems to be declining,try to speak to her family or socoal services.

M0nica

I think many are being unnecessarily hostile to the OP. I understand exactly how she feels.
I have a friend who I have known since school days. She was untidy then. She never married, had a successful career,always had a cleaner, the same one for over 40 years.

I visited her recently and was shocked by the state of the house. We ate with plates on our knees (after we hadcleared stuff off the chairs) becau se the table had so much stuff on it. Walked, no, waded around the house, there was so much on the floor. She and her cleaner are both in their 80s, I am not sure how much cleanjng gets down. Their relation ship is one of 2 good friends.

And of course I am concerned about her welfare, s he is my friend. She has family she sees regularly, but she visits them, they rarely visit her , so do not know the state of thehouse. At what point does untidiness turn into neglect, become a concern as asign of mental decline.

As I said OP, I can see and understand your concern. All you can do is watch and wait and if her mental health seems to be declining,try to speak to her family or socoal services.

Thank youM0nica. Good advice.

All you can do is observe to see if the situation deteriorates. Two years since her husband's death and it has only just happened? Probably old age and poor eyesight, not incapacity.

I saw myself in the OP's description of her friend. I've always been a bit of a slob. Fifty years ago, when my sons were small, one of them saw me hoovering and asked: 'Is someone coming, Mummy?' Nothing much changed over the decades, but I still have observant family members - especially my adult DGD who always heads for the sink when she drops in. However, my life-saver has been having a cleaner. I wonder if your friend would consider a cleaner, if she could find one. In fact, I find myself trying to keep the flat tidy and reasonably clean even before she arrives!

M0nica

I think many are being unnecessarily hostile to the OP. I understand exactly how she feels.
I have a friend who I have known since school days. She was untidy then. She never married, had a successful career,always had a cleaner, the same one for over 40 years.

I visited her recently and was shocked by the state of the house. We ate with plates on our knees (after we hadcleared stuff off the chairs) becau se the table had so much stuff on it. Walked, no, waded around the house, there was so much on the floor. She and her cleaner are both in their 80s, I am not sure how much cleanjng gets down. Their relation ship is one of 2 good friends.

And of course I am concerned about her welfare, s he is my friend. She has family she sees regularly, but she visits them, they rarely visit her , so do not know the state of thehouse. At what point does untidiness turn into neglect, become a concern as asign of mental decline.

As I said OP, I can see and understand your concern. All you can do is watch and wait and if her mental health seems to be declining,try to speak to her family or socoal services.

My MIL got like this as she became older but I realised she had never been keen on housework anyway. She had a home help but I think preferred to chat to her!
That was fine but we did worry about food going off in the fridge and elsewhere and tried to make sure it was quietly disposed of and replaced with fresh when we visited. She was very independent and we had to be surreptitious about helping.

DH cleared up last night, I had to clear the bits of last night's dinner from the sink strainer plug this morning!

I thought the OP was just concerned about her friend. It could be she is ok living like that or it could be a sign something is wrong.
The OP being a good friend just wants to help and is worried. I would ask if she wants to go out for a coffee and cake. She may be fed up with herself and a change of scenery or a day out maybe what she wants.

People are citing disliking housework as a reason to let things slide. I know some people like housework but honestly are there that many people who actually enjoy it?

I certainly don’t like doing housework. It’s so repetitive and quite hard work. I do like having a clean house though! And my mental health feels better if my house is clean and tidy.

Moreover, if I have visitors I don’t want them to think I’m either not coping or I’m a slob. That’s what mainly drives me to keep things clean.

I know we’re all different and have different standards that we are comfortable with. However, there’s a point where living in a mess can become a problem. I’m worried that my friend is sliding into a mess that could affect her physical or mental health.

I know some people like housework but honestly are there that many people who actually enjoy it?
My mother! I did not inherit that gene.

Many years ago when a youngish mum I had a dear friend who lived alone, a social worker a bit older than me, in her early 50’s.
The kindest woman out, but her house was a muddle to say the least.
She had a heart attack and while recovering in hospital, another friend - our curates wife- and I thought it might be nice for her to come to a cleaned up house.
Not her bedroom, that was personal although we did put clean sheets on her bed, but the kitchen where frankly your feet stuck to the floor.
So we washed, wiped, tidied cupboards and the fridge, threw out stale or off food and left it gleaming.
How wrong we had been. She was deeply hurt interpreting this as criticism of her haphazard lifestyle - where she spent every waking hour on other people, not herself. No wonder she had had a heart attack.
But it took her a long time to properly forgive us and understand no criticism was intended, just what we’d welcome someone doing for us.
But we had overstepped a line.
Don’t make the same mistake if your friendship might be threatened.

Good advice, RosieandherMaw

Allira

Good advice, RosieandherMaw

There’s no way I would step in and start cleaning and tidying her home. I’m just not that sort of person.

Instead, I will keep an eye on her and gently ask how she’s coping.

Abnuyc123, if you have noticed a change in your friend’s normal housekeeping standards I think you’re right to feel concerned. I’d keep an eye on things, and take in any possible decline in her general well-being. It would be awful to ignore what may be signs of her need for help, only to find too late that your intervention could have made a positive difference.

Sorry OP, I was typing so hadn’t see your last comment - I think that’s a good plan 👍🏼

Abnuyc123 - the kitchen being "unusable" raised a red flag for me. Is she caring for herself, healthy diet etc, has she lost weight, is she muddled, disorientated, not sleeping. Yes any healthy person can suffer like this but it can also be an indication of mental health problems, possibly dementia. My mother's route to dementia kicked off after my father's death, one of the first indicators was the state of her house (though far more severe than you have described). It was her friends who alerted the family - she was quite rational on the phone. If you are concerned about her health deteriorating then you might contact her family, they are often the last to realise. Thank you for being a good friend.

👏👏👏 RosieandherMaw

AgeUK can help with getting someone to do a 'one off' deep clean when the housework has got out of control and you just can't face it any more, you can see how that's happened. (you have to pay for it of course)
I have no idea how you persuade her to request it.
Would her family pay for it and tell her its free on the NHS so many months after a death of a partner ...... ? Maybe? Perhaps?
Sorry, not much help

Abnuyc123

Kate1949

Why were you looking at her plug hole?

She asked me to put the kettle on, so I saw it then. I wasn’t snooping.

Of course you were not snooping! All efficient housekeepers inspect details in kitchens without even being conscious they are doing so.

However I think your friend's standards are not yet dangerous to her health, from what you say.
Is she getting all the help she is due from carers? You may be able to help her with this, and carers should be able to keep the house safe at the very least.

Just because the milk in the fridge was off doesn’t mean she was going to drink it.

If I’m honest there might easily be out of date things in my fridge and a few growing mould, like cheese or veg. It just means I haven’t got round to cleaning out the fridge.

Likewise the bathroom or kitchen sink. I’m quite capable of noting it needs a clean and filing that under next time, if I’ve got something more interesting to do.

There’s only me and I don’t mind for a bit and then I have a massive tidy and clean.

M husband was very good at ongoing maintenance, cleaning, tidying as he went along. It was his nature. I can’t get motivated until there’s a bit of a mess that needs sorting.

So it’s hard to tell really whether the OP just has a different take on things or there really is a serious problem that might affect her friend.

Even with my slapdash ways I judged my PIL to be living in dirt and chaos and they both lived happily and fiercely independently well into their nineties!

Might she have cataracts? I've had both eyes operated on this year and I hadn't realised how bad my kitchen looked as I genuinely hadn't seen stains. The kickboard was disgusting! My cupboard doors were badly marked etc.

"the kitchen was unusable"

Good thinking grandmabatty having your cataracts removed makes a huge difference.