Friend Not Keeping Her House Clean

TY Patsy57. I am just frightened for him,

Abnuyc123

I’m trying hard to not let Whiff upset me but the truth is I am upset from her comments.

Please try not to. That might be hard but think of all the members who understand completely how much you care and are worried.
Sending you a PM.

petra

Abnuyc123

I’m trying hard to not let Whiff upset me but the truth is I am upset from her comments.

Please try not to. That might be hard but think of all the members who understand completely how much you care and are worried.
Sending you a PM.

Careful petra.

This is not pleasant, seeing a longstanding member of Gransnet being targeted in this way.

Whiff has explained how the OP's friend might feel, having experienced the same. She is just advising the OP how gently, gently rather than criticism might be a good way forward.

I have reservations about the whole thread.

Abnuyc123 This is the begining of self neglect. Keep being a good friend and try to establish what may be the mtter. Is your friend depressed? Has ahe felt notingh is worth while anylonger etc. Does she have in by the sink the washing up liquid? Is there still hotwater running from the tap.? My friend who lives miles away from me has relatives who told her that she needed her cleaning lady 2 a week for similar reasons she is neglecting herself because she can no longer plan a meal, etc. fortunately she is happy to have the help and pays for it.

Allira

petra

Abnuyc123

I’m trying hard to not let Whiff upset me but the truth is I am upset from her comments.

Please try not to. That might be hard but think of all the members who understand completely how much you care and are worried.
Sending you a PM.

Careful petra.

This is not pleasant, seeing a longstanding member of Gransnet being targeted in this way.

Whiff has explained how the OP's friend might feel, having experienced the same. She is just advising the OP how gently, gently rather than criticism might be a good way forward.

I have reservations about the whole thread.

To be absolutely accurate here @Allira, it was more that Whiff was targeting me. I let several of her rather harsh comments go and then I told her that she had upset me.

Being a long standing member of a forum is no excuse for posting rather harsh comments. If you reread the thread you will see exactly what I’m getting at.

I’m completely mystified by your rather barbed comment about “the whole thread”.

I’ve posted on here in good faith, asking for advice. Isn’t that what Gransnet is all about?

I did not read Whiff's posts like that.

I'm out.

EmilyHarburn

Abnuyc123 This is the begining of self neglect. Keep being a good friend and try to establish what may be the mtter. Is your friend depressed? Has ahe felt notingh is worth while anylonger etc. Does she have in by the sink the washing up liquid? Is there still hotwater running from the tap.? My friend who lives miles away from me has relatives who told her that she needed her cleaning lady 2 a week for similar reasons she is neglecting herself because she can no longer plan a meal, etc. fortunately she is happy to have the help and pays for it.

Thank you. I’m going to make sure I see her again next week and I’m going to try and gently find out if she’s ok.

Allira

I did not read Whiff's posts like that.

I'm out.

However you or I interpreted Whiff’s posts is what it is, but one thing is absolutely clear, I wasn’t targeting her. I told her she was upsetting me, which is true. I think I also said, she should know when to stop, also true.

I’m upset to be accused of targeting someone, when it’s clearly not true.

Oh for goodness sake I wrote in response to what the OP had said as others did .

Thank you for those that know me .

Paint me in any light you like but you said you cared about your friend . Then went on to criticise the state of her house.

You are also a widow which like I said is very raw . Your friend you said has been widowed for 2 years and you widowed just months . Everyone processes grief differently . You don't know exactly what your friend went through with her husband and his death. The same way no one ones but you what you went through with your husband before and after his death.

Yes you are caring but care for your friend and not the state of her house.

Grief hits people differently and their priorities change . Your grief is personal to you as your friends is personal to her. How you handle it is your way . Is not the way she is .

Don't worry I will not post again . But it might help you if you read the bereavement forum threads and see what others have suffered and how they handled it .

Whiff. The OP at no time criticized her friend. The OP showed only concern for her friend. I have been in that position as I said early in the thread. I knew the signs which pointed to my friend being ill and in need of help and support. This is the case with the OP. Nothing unkind was intended by what she wrote.
The OP has undergone a very shocking experience with regard to the circumstances of her husband's fairly recent death. She does not need or deserve to be found fault with.

Has she got any family you could voice your well intended legitimate concerns to? Don't agree with some that say 'none of your business' It's a health concern and could be an indicator of her not coping!. There is a difference between cleanliness/food hygiene and untidiness.....

Aldom OP first post . Is that's not criticism. I don't know what is .

Abnuyc123

Aldom

As the lady's husband has been dead for two years he won't have much input. Although from what the OP says, he probably kept the home clean (er) when he was alive.
I don't think the OP visits her friend in order to be critical. The OP seems to me to be concerned about her friend. She is wondering if her friend is finding it difficult to cope and wondering what, if anything she should do to help.
When one of my friends was in a similar position, food going off in the fridge. Perishable food not kept in the fridge and going off, I realised something was wrong with my friend.
I alerted her daughter, who lived some considerable distance away.
My friend was ultimately diagnosed with dementia.
I'm not suggesting this is the case here, but possibly something is wrong. Maybe depression following the death of her husband.
Alternatively, perhaps the lady is perfectly happy to live like this.
Some people are.

Yes that’s exactly the situation. I’m concerned about my friend. The more I think about her situation the more I’m worried. I know we all have different standards but when things are moving towards a health hazard, that can’t be good.

Perhaps you could make gentle suggestions to your friend's children, sounds a bit like dementia to me. My gran's standards plummeted as she aged.

Why people comment not your business obvious would not worry about the wellbeing of a friend. I am with the people who asked if she had family reasonable near. If there is no improvement soon you may need to mention your concerns to social services as your friend may need help.

The obvious problem of writing thoughts online is that our tone, body language and intentions are easily misconstrued. I feel for the OP and also see Whiffs point of view. I am sure that in real life we would all find a lot of mutual empathy. Xx