Friend Not Keeping Her House Clean

When friends and family come they take me as they find me . If I have time and energy I will clean and vacuum. But my shower room and kitchen is clean daily if I can . No one has ever had food poisoning from my cooking . My home not a show house . No healthcare professional who has been to visit takes notice of the dust or bits on my carpet they are more concerned than my home is safe . Which it is as I had it adapted for my needs.

OP if someone just popped in would they find dust or bits on your carpet?

I was in hospital and my daughter emptied my dishwasher for me . Once home took me to 2 days to find where she put things.

I have spider webs they keep the flies at bay.
My home is mine . I would never criticise the state of anyone else's home . Their home is their happy place even if it's messy and not to your standard.

Good grief, I’m not criticising, I love my friend and I’m concerned for her.

Whiff There's a difference between being judgemental and being concerned for the health and wellbeing of a friend.
Abnuye is a caring friend.

RosieabdMaw, I would have cleaned up the same, feet sticking to a bedroom carpet is just filthy. I can’t understand anyone living in a dirty house unless they are incapable mentally or physically and I just wouldn’t be comfortable eating or drinking there.. my choice. People are entitled to their point of view. I had a friend who didn't like cleaning, her loo was filthy and her kitchen, she either came to my house or we met out..The friendship lasted fifty years until she died.

Abnuyc123

Her husband died two years ago. From reading your responses, I’m feeling that I just need to leave her to it. I wouldn’t know what to do anyway.

It’s a hard one. Would she take offence if you wiped round the sink with bleach?

Aldom

Whiff There's a difference between being judgemental and being concerned for the health and wellbeing of a friend.
Abnuye is a caring friend.

I think she absolutely is.

Whiff

When friends and family come they take me as they find me . If I have time and energy I will clean and vacuum. But my shower room and kitchen is clean daily if I can . No one has ever had food poisoning from my cooking . My home not a show house . No healthcare professional who has been to visit takes notice of the dust or bits on my carpet they are more concerned than my home is safe . Which it is as I had it adapted for my needs.

OP if someone just popped in would they find dust or bits on your carpet?

I was in hospital and my daughter emptied my dishwasher for me . Once home took me to 2 days to find where she put things.

I have spider webs they keep the flies at bay.
My home is mine . I would never criticise the state of anyone else's home . Their home is their happy place even if it's messy and not to your standard.

‘Oh’, I don’t know, some people are just overwhelmed, especially if depressed, or physically unable to clean.
I can’t do as much. Two full baskets of ironing to tackle, I just keep putting it off.
Eventually I know I will have to get a cleaner.

I said kitchen floor not bedroom carpet
Read the posts again.

We all have different standards :
I visited one of my elderly ladies yesterday ..When she opened the door I felt really sick as the stench was horrendous .
Her house is cleaned regularly - no dust and not a fleck on the carpets and not even one dish in the sink .
But despite having a wet room - she smells .
I can't recall when she didn't .
I used to go shopping with her and the smell would pervade the car .
I'd have a scented handkerchief ready .

Esmay

We all have different standards :
I visited one of my elderly ladies yesterday ..When she opened the door I felt really sick as the stench was horrendous .
Her house is cleaned regularly - no dust and not a fleck on the carpets and not even one dish in the sink .
But despite having a wet room - she smells .
I can't recall when she didn't .
I used to go shopping with her and the smell would pervade the car .
I'd have a scented handkerchief ready .

Interesting. Is it a smell of foot fungus , septic ulcer, faeces, urine, gangrene?
Smell is an important diagnostic tool. The poor lady should be taken care of by a NHS health visitor . There is clearly a lack of care.

Whiff
I have spider webs they keep the flies at bay.


That's my excuse, too!

I think OP is right to be concerned. After my mother died my father gave himself severe food poisoning and I'm sure it came from the dishcloth which was used for everything and was never cleaned

A caring friend cares more about her friend than the state of her home. A caring friend would talk and hug that friend .A caring friend would ask how she was and is there anything she needs. A caring friend cares about the person not her surroundings. A caring friend looks at that person and sees her suffering not the state of her home . A caring person does not write on.GN about the state of her friends house keeping or lack of it . A caring person sees her grief not material things .

When the love of your life the other half of you dies life is like walking through porridge . Ever step is a struggle. You don't live you exist . Just having a wash and brushing your teeth is a struggle you wonder why you should bother as the one person you want and need you can never have or see again . You struggle to eat and drink but you know you have to because that's what they would want you to do . You have no idea where you fit in the world as your world has been destroyed and it will never be repaired.

Two years is what I call early grief infact the first 10 years are what I call early grief. Grief hurts physically and mentally. Plus all that comes when the other half of you dies. There is so much to do after death and the funeral . People expect you to get over your grief there is no getting our the grief infact in my experience it gets worse as the years go by.

After the love of your life the other half of yourself dies you find out who your real friends are as people disappear from your life . I hadn't been widowed long when I went to my local town to shop a woman who I knew saw me she stopped dead and dashed into the nearest shop I was 45 the 50 year old me would have gone in after her and asked what xxxxxxx her problem was .

If you really care ignore the state of her home and just concentrate on her .She is in pain and that pain will never go away . It's takes years to cope and the longer you are married the worse it is .

Those who have critised me have you had the other half of yourself die ?
Have you watched your husband dieing bit by bit everyday and there is nothing you do to can stop them dieing . Have you held your husband while he cried . Have you held your husband while he screamed into a pillow until the morphine sent him to sleep so our children wouldn't hear him . Have you had to hold that pillow when he begged you to do it because he was to weak to do it himself. Have you had to tell your husband to stop struggling breathing even on full oxygen. Have you had to tell him to stop fighting and we will be ok then watch your husband die a few minutes later. There is never an okay .

Critise me all you like if you have done all that . I am glad I had family and friends who cared about me and not the state of my home . Took me 14 years to stop seeing the last 2 weeks of my husband's life it was like watching a black and white film .

Care about your friend she is in pain and that pain never dies you just learn to cope . But bone crushing grief can overwhelm you out of the blue .

Your friend needs your understanding . Care about her feelings help her get through everyday . If she wants to talk about her husband listen if she doesn't want to talk just be with her as that will give her comfort.

Why don't you take your friend out for coffee and cake at regular intervals? Like that you can chat away from her home, give her a treat and perhaps get her to dress up a bit too. You can then see how she responds and if she really has let things go too while enjoying her company but keeping a watchful eye.

Whiff

A caring friend cares more about her friend than the state of her home. A caring friend would talk and hug that friend .A caring friend would ask how she was and is there anything she needs. A caring friend cares about the person not her surroundings. A caring friend looks at that person and sees her suffering not the state of her home . A caring person does not write on.GN about the state of her friends house keeping or lack of it . A caring person sees her grief not material things .

When the love of your life the other half of you dies life is like walking through porridge . Ever step is a struggle. You don't live you exist . Just having a wash and brushing your teeth is a struggle you wonder why you should bother as the one person you want and need you can never have or see again . You struggle to eat and drink but you know you have to because that's what they would want you to do . You have no idea where you fit in the world as your world has been destroyed and it will never be repaired.

Two years is what I call early grief infact the first 10 years are what I call early grief. Grief hurts physically and mentally. Plus all that comes when the other half of you dies. There is so much to do after death and the funeral . People expect you to get over your grief there is no getting our the grief infact in my experience it gets worse as the years go by.

After the love of your life the other half of yourself dies you find out who your real friends are as people disappear from your life . I hadn't been widowed long when I went to my local town to shop a woman who I knew saw me she stopped dead and dashed into the nearest shop I was 45 the 50 year old me would have gone in after her and asked what xxxxxxx her problem was .

If you really care ignore the state of her home and just concentrate on her .She is in pain and that pain will never go away . It's takes years to cope and the longer you are married the worse it is .

Those who have critised me have you had the other half of yourself die ?
Have you watched your husband dieing bit by bit everyday and there is nothing you do to can stop them dieing . Have you held your husband while he cried . Have you held your husband while he screamed into a pillow until the morphine sent him to sleep so our children wouldn't hear him . Have you had to hold that pillow when he begged you to do it because he was to weak to do it himself. Have you had to tell your husband to stop struggling breathing even on full oxygen. Have you had to tell him to stop fighting and we will be ok then watch your husband die a few minutes later. There is never an okay .

Critise me all you like if you have done all that . I am glad I had family and friends who cared about me and not the state of my home . Took me 14 years to stop seeing the last 2 weeks of my husband's life it was like watching a black and white film .

Care about your friend she is in pain and that pain never dies you just learn to cope . But bone crushing grief can overwhelm you out of the blue .

Your friend needs your understanding . Care about her feelings help her get through everyday . If she wants to talk about her husband listen if she doesn't want to talk just be with her as that will give her comfort.

Whiff, I hope you recover from your emotional agony . I am desperately sorry for your late husband. I feel I understand what it must have like for you. I am glad that you felt able to express your feelings at Gransnet.

PS Whiff I hope to remember your advice. Thanks for posting

Esmay, it could be her clothes not being washed after wearing or difficulty showering which she avoids. I have noticed it on just one person and know it was that, but how to say anything I don't know.

eddiecat78

I think OP is right to be concerned. After my mother died my father gave himself severe food poisoning and I'm sure it came from the dishcloth which was used for everything and was never cleaned

I think I'd have interfered to the extent of replacing the dish cloth without saying anything. I take on board Whiff's advice however that does not exclude a helping hand with the old hygiene. Dish cloths are the worst offenders.

Allsorts

Esmay, it could be her clothes not being washed after wearing or difficulty showering which she avoids. I have noticed it on just one person and know it was that, but how to say anything I don't know.

My elder brother once said to me when I was a young woman "Your nose requires attention" .That I still remember decades later is a sign how I felt ashamed and humiliated.

However he was right to tell me before I went out in public as that would have been even worse.

Whiff

A caring friend cares more about her friend than the state of her home. A caring friend would talk and hug that friend .A caring friend would ask how she was and is there anything she needs. A caring friend cares about the person not her surroundings. A caring friend looks at that person and sees her suffering not the state of her home . A caring person does not write on.GN about the state of her friends house keeping or lack of it . A caring person sees her grief not material things .

When the love of your life the other half of you dies life is like walking through porridge . Ever step is a struggle. You don't live you exist . Just having a wash and brushing your teeth is a struggle you wonder why you should bother as the one person you want and need you can never have or see again . You struggle to eat and drink but you know you have to because that's what they would want you to do . You have no idea where you fit in the world as your world has been destroyed and it will never be repaired.

Two years is what I call early grief infact the first 10 years are what I call early grief. Grief hurts physically and mentally. Plus all that comes when the other half of you dies. There is so much to do after death and the funeral . People expect you to get over your grief there is no getting our the grief infact in my experience it gets worse as the years go by.

After the love of your life the other half of yourself dies you find out who your real friends are as people disappear from your life . I hadn't been widowed long when I went to my local town to shop a woman who I knew saw me she stopped dead and dashed into the nearest shop I was 45 the 50 year old me would have gone in after her and asked what xxxxxxx her problem was .

If you really care ignore the state of her home and just concentrate on her .She is in pain and that pain will never go away . It's takes years to cope and the longer you are married the worse it is .

Those who have critised me have you had the other half of yourself die ?
Have you watched your husband dieing bit by bit everyday and there is nothing you do to can stop them dieing . Have you held your husband while he cried . Have you held your husband while he screamed into a pillow until the morphine sent him to sleep so our children wouldn't hear him . Have you had to hold that pillow when he begged you to do it because he was to weak to do it himself. Have you had to tell your husband to stop struggling breathing even on full oxygen. Have you had to tell him to stop fighting and we will be ok then watch your husband die a few minutes later. There is never an okay .

Critise me all you like if you have done all that . I am glad I had family and friends who cared about me and not the state of my home . Took me 14 years to stop seeing the last 2 weeks of my husband's life it was like watching a black and white film .

Care about your friend she is in pain and that pain never dies you just learn to cope . But bone crushing grief can overwhelm you out of the blue .

Your friend needs your understanding . Care about her feelings help her get through everyday . If she wants to talk about her husband listen if she doesn't want to talk just be with her as that will give her comfort.

For goodness sake, give it a rest with your judgement.

I know all about grief. My own DH died very unexpectedly just before last Christmas. He was taken ill very suddenly and admitted. Two days later he was transferred to intensive care. Exactly one week later he died.

I care very much about my dear friend and I’m now comysick of you making endless assumptions.

Abnuyc123

Sending you

You are a good and caring friend.
Only interested in the welfare of your friend. In no way are you judgemental. I completely understand why you are concerned about your friend.

I’m trying hard to not let Whiff upset me but the truth is I am upset from her comments.

Aldom

Abnuyc123

Sending you

You are a good and caring friend.
Only interested in the welfare of your friend. In no way are you judgemental. I completely understand why you are concerned about your friend.

Thank you for understanding. x

I am sorry you have lost the other half of yourself. So you should be able to help your friend as your grief is so raw. You know what she is feeling so hopefully by helping her you help yourself. You know the physical and mental pain grief brings and how hard it is to do everyday tasks . What you have to force yourself to do even though you would much rather just shut out the world. You are the perfect person to help her as you are feeling it to . So ignore her home. Have you told her how you feel and how you are coping or maybe it's to soon and you can't.

Whiff

I am sorry you have lost the other half of yourself. So you should be able to help your friend as your grief is so raw. You know what she is feeling so hopefully by helping her you help yourself. You know the physical and mental pain grief brings and how hard it is to do everyday tasks . What you have to force yourself to do even though you would much rather just shut out the world. You are the perfect person to help her as you are feeling it to . So ignore her home. Have you told her how you feel and how you are coping or maybe it's to soon and you can't.

Many on this thread have commented that the state of someone’s home can be an indication of something more serious.

Your advice isn’t welcome, as you make too many assumptions and come across as very judgmental.