Friend Not Keeping Her House Clean

Abnuyc123

I’m trying hard to not let Whiff upset me but the truth is I am upset from her comments.

Whiff is a long-standing and respected GN contributor, OP. You asked for our thoughts, she's given you hers. Many of us have found Whiff's thoughtful contributions helpful over the years and, like any of us, she can only comment from her own perspective.
I'm certain she doesn't intend to sound judgemental and I realise that I probably do when I say if you don't like a particular contributor's posts then don't read 'em

Whiff may well be a long standing member of Gransnet but that’s no excuse for her harsh comments.

She needs to know when to stop.

Caleo

Esmay

We all have different standards :
I visited one of my elderly ladies yesterday ..When she opened the door I felt really sick as the stench was horrendous .
Her house is cleaned regularly - no dust and not a fleck on the carpets and not even one dish in the sink .
But despite having a wet room - she smells .
I can't recall when she didn't .
I used to go shopping with her and the smell would pervade the car .
I'd have a scented handkerchief ready .

Interesting. Is it a smell of foot fungus , septic ulcer, faeces, urine, gangrene?
Smell is an important diagnostic tool. The poor lady should be taken care of by a NHS health visitor . There is clearly a lack of care.

old person smell is a real “thing”
It’s not always lack of care.

www.agingcare.com/articles/old-person-smell-174839.htm

Whiff

I am sorry you have lost the other half of yourself. So you should be able to help your friend as your grief is so raw. You know what she is feeling so hopefully by helping her you help yourself. You know the physical and mental pain grief brings and how hard it is to do everyday tasks . What you have to force yourself to do even though you would much rather just shut out the world. You are the perfect person to help her as you are feeling it to . So ignore her home. Have you told her how you feel and how you are coping or maybe it's to soon and you can't.

That is a kind post, Whiff
Obviously the OP misread it.

This thread is taking a rather familiar route or is it just me who thinks so ?

As l have said, and others, the chaotic state of OP's friend's home may indicate a health issue much greater than bereavement. I did not feel OP was being judgemental. There's no point trying to help someone with bereavement if they have dementia - it's only going to get worse. OP obviously, from her subsequent posts, wants to help and support her friend - she doesn't need any criticism on that front.

Aldom

Abnuyc123

Sending you

You are a good and caring friend.
Only interested in the welfare of your friend. In no way are you judgemental. I completely understand why you are concerned about your friend.

Agreed.

Perhaps ask if she'd like help with home tasks, listen to her answer?

OldFrill

As l have said, and others, the chaotic state of OP's friend's home may indicate a health issue much greater than bereavement. I did not feel OP was being judgemental. There's no point trying to help someone with bereavement if they have dementia - it's only going to get worse. OP obviously, from her subsequent posts, wants to help and support her friend - she doesn't need any criticism on that front.

Thank you. I’ve said several times how much I care about my friend and I do care about her.

I will keep a friendly eye on her for now.

If it was a straightforward problem of the carpets needing a quick runabout with the vacuum and a bit of dusting and polishing then that's normal enough.

But if it's rotting food in the fridge, a blocked sink etc, etc then she definitely needs some kind of help.

I don't see the OP as being interfering. I think she is worried about her friend - and I would be too.

It sounds like her friend is depressed but I am not sure what the OP should do. Maybe she should just ask her outright how she is feeling and if there is anything she can do to help. If there is family she is aware of, perhaps they should be told.

OP - does your friend seem otherwise OK - happy and talkative?

I don`t care so much about my house as I used to.. I have two close friends and we can and do talk to each other,, their homes are spotless, they are a bit younger and more fit than I am.. they both tell me , when I comment on my lack of housework, that they come to visit me, not my house! perhaps there could be a point if we got to "personal" cleanliness I think I will mention it to them as I know my "brain" is not a quick and clever as it used to be..

Umm well do not come to my house then! we run business from here i am a crafter we have pets so um afraid housework does not come top of the list. sounds like your friend is just living as she wants to instead of perhaps being under pressure to clean.

I wondered about “ she asked me to put the kettle on” this is odd as usually the owner of the house puts the kettle on .
Unless it’s a younger than you family member .

The thought she was not wanting to put the kettle on and the milk was off and the house is in a mess does signal a difficulty .
If no family or tell family if you are worried to contact adult services . This is not like social services. She might get some help . Or speak to Age concern ring them up, they are brilliant so is their on line. There are so many areas to be tapped out there for unobtrusive help .
She might be eligible for attendance allowance, cleaning, personal care, pension credits . All these lead to other help.

Hi. I can see where you are coming from. I'm glad you are going to call on her, don't give up on her. You can see she probably isn't coping, as to you, her home is messier. My husband and I did chores rather equally, whatever had to be done the other would pitch in. It has been seven years since he passed. Like look at it this way, one person is now doing two people's chores, on top of grieving. You may find you are the only one that visits and she may hardly ever venture out. Try and get her to go out for a coffee, cafe, walk etc. Once she gets into a routine she'll come good, everything will start to become easier. She needs her friend/s. I bet she has lost a lot of friends. I'm finally getting into a routine now, yes after seven years; though the office is still a mess, that is the next job. It took me two years to realise jobs my husband used to do, that I didn't know he did. e.g Spider treatment. No, I don't do it, I hire a contractor. She has a good friend in you, whom is there regardless.

Graunty Good observations and suggestions.

I just have to know. What, in the opinion of OP has made her friend's kitchen "unusable".

butterandjam

Abnuyc123

I went to my friend’s house and I’ve been left concerned about the state of her house. I know she’s never been keen on housework but I think her late husband more than pulled his weight.

The milk in the fridge was off, the sink was dirty with old bits of food in the plug hole, the kitchen was unusable, the bathroom sink was dirty. WWYD? I don’t know whether I just have different standards and how’s she living is ok?

Or look at it an other way . When her husband was alive he preferred a different level of domestic bliss and willingly helped provide it.

Now she lives alone she can please herself, relax, do what the hell she likes.

In Casa Butterjam, I can guarantee that whichever of us dies first , there will be a new domestic order.

I dislike housework, and as I live alone I can please myself and as I still work part time at home, work comes first. Anyone arriving unexpectedly might find my sink and surroundings full of dishes as I don’t ’Wash Up’ much except for delicates, but wait til I have a dishwasher load then stack it all in in one go and clean around then. If expecting visitors I usually clear up in advance. I expect your friend didn’t know the milk was off, maybe she bought too much buying the same amount for 2 so it went off. She’ll soon realise when she tries to use it.
My housework, or not is a choice, but , as some have said it may be a case of keeping watch in case she is depressed after her husbands death. It may be that she has lapsed happily in not keeping things up to scratch but will now do ‘periodic’ cleans. The plug hole with food scraps in may be from a meal she had earlier, but didn’t clean up on the spot…many of us don’t you know! Far better things to do … it gets done when needed! I keep most places hygienic, but many would think it cluttered. Horses for courses!

I have a great friend who always seemed to appear at the door when every thing was a mess. I mentioned this and she said, I come to see you, not your home, but if I can help, just ask.

I hate housework too, so I tend to blitz.

However, people do grieve differently, and if she has slipped in to a habit, then she may need help to pull out. Ask her if she is OK, or does she need help (not mentioning housework). If you are putting the kettle on, just simply empty the plug as you go without saying anything.

I think I live in that sort of house and I think you would feel the same if you visited me - unless I know you were coming a few days in advance and had time to do some extra tidying up!

My perspective is, I would like help but it is very difficult to get non-judgemental help.
And where do you get it? Social Service help has been so heavily cut in the last years that your friend probably would not qualify. Getting a private cleaner is very hard. Friends want you to 'get better', but you can't always.

I think she probably, just like me, needs help from someone who just accepts who she is but most people try to encourage you to - walk more, just do 10 minutes tidying up a day, volunteer!!! Oh the list goes on and on of what people think you should do!
It's hard to get out of this situation, if she wants to. If she is very well off, probably she could pay an agency to clean the house regularly. Otherwise, difficult.

I have enough people, neighbours etc who don't hesitate to tell me what needs to be done. I know it does in their eyes. But what gives anyone the right to comment on how I live (though my upbringing etc. absolutely silently agrees 'I must conform'!
But, also, self neglect can be a serious medical sign of depression. loneliness.

At least she let you into the house. I know many people would just make an excuse not to let you in.

Is it just her house or also garden - things you know she cares about. Is she still interested in the things she always was? Does she do anything all day or just sit about?

Maybe she doesn't see just herself as deserving to live well.
'It's just me, it doesn't matter' is how many of us feel.

It can be temporary, stay as it is or could get worse. From what you say, it doesn't sound too bad tbh.
Maybe just go, have a regular coffee - at a cafe would also be good occasionally, to get her out if she goes out less than before? Ignore the mess. Show her you value her for herself, she may not be feeling very valued at the moment.

Does she need her eyes tested or doesn't wear glasses in her home?
I seldom wear my glasses indoors and I don't see the dust.

Too long a back story to post here but sister went from 'lifestyle choice' to setting pizza on fire. Next minute sectioned. She doesn't understand or accept that she could probably still be in her home if she had accepted family offers of help, allowed carers and cleaners to do their jobs. A very sad situation.

I sincerely hope you never visit my house!

alisonsmith4!!!! me too!lol

Grandmabatty

Might she have cataracts? I've had both eyes operated on this year and I hadn't realised how bad my kitchen looked as I genuinely hadn't seen stains. The kickboard was disgusting! My cupboard doors were badly marked etc.

Just what I was thinking. I had a friend who wasn’t very fussy but she hid the fact very well that her eyesight was very bad.

Please - don't criticise - but I am the same! Do tell me to help a friend - 75 and abit lame - how to keep his flat clean enough to pass his Sheltered Housing inspections? He is at great risk of being turned out!

Please Whiff - no. The. woman is just concerned.- for goodness sake