Requesting permission to take children out

Smileless2012

I agree Madgran. The GP's made an error of judgement but no harm done.

Harm to the child if these people let the child become excited and then the parents disappoint the child because they were not asked first.

From my perspective, communication is key. The Grandparents should of at a minimum included one of you, better both in the conversation. Personally, especially with a first trip away from mom and dad, I would have approached you and your DH first to discuss plans and to figure the best way for my grandchild(ren) to be the most comfortable with the trip and to figure the best activities.

That being said, though they perhaps did something uncomfortable for your daughter and for you, I think you should address it non-confrontationally, bring it up with them in friendly way, maybe as a way to help them succeed with their GD. This would open up a discussion, letting them know that you aren't opposed and opens an opportunity for you to set boundaries. I suggest not to stringent of boundaries, but things that would make you and your children feel happy and safe. I think you might find them pleased and more open with you this way.

These are just my thoughts and advise, use what you wish, or not at all. But please be happy and find joy with your children and your in-laws. You all can be an extended family team.

Well from what the OP has told us, her D wasn't excited Norah.

Good advice PopPopBear.

I think a day trip - or even a half-day trip (without the other grandchild) would be a first step.

I would be pretty cross if I had overheard this conversation to be honest.
I would want to know how a morning/ afternoon/ day went with only my daughter before moving on to overnights and sleepovers with cousins!

I would need to talk about this with them...
...but also bite my tongue a lot

NotSpaghetti

I think a day trip - or even a half-day trip (without the other grandchild) would be a first step.

I would be pretty cross if I had overheard this conversation to be honest.
I would want to know how a morning/ afternoon/ day went with only my daughter before moving on to overnights and sleepovers with cousins!

I would need to talk about this with them...
...but also bite my tongue a lot

Agree with this. It's a big step from not having the children for any length of time to days out and sleepovers. Do the children even like spending time with them?

As far as not taking all the children goes - it may be that they don't feel they can cope, depending on how young and dependent the youngest is. Or they may feel the oldest two will keep each other company and be able to share the experience more.

And yes - they should always discuss things with parents first. I would be inclined to give them the benefit of the doubt at the moment, and see how they go on after being asked not to do it.

Thank you for all your comments, I can see that there are some disagreements depending on how you look at things. I can accept that they did eventually ask my husband and that’s when he raised concerns about my youngest being left out. They should have done this first which is where they went wrong, thank you for clearing this up, and that I wasn’t being over sensitive. In an ideal world they would have also included me in that discussion too - unfortunately they are a little dysfunctional when it comes to including me in general, something that I don’t think will change.

Thank you all

My inlaws always told my children they would take them abroad on holiday but never did. Also a cousin of my OH promised to take them to Crufts where they showed their dogs. Never happened either. Really made me angry that they never talked to me about it and disappointed my children. Horrid people.

To be honest when you are a grandparent, it can be exhausting. I often took one out without the other, they didn’t mind as they knew they’d get there turn.

Definitely this should of been discussed with the parents of the children.

This was a total lack of protocol .. And also to excluse a child is a lack of protocol. This is completely wrong.

This should be discussed with the grandparents children, NOT the grandchildren !!!!!!!

WRONG WRONG WRONG ..

Without reading any of the responses before replying, my thought is they perhaps haven't offered to have the children overnight etc because they may have felt they were too young for them to deal with. Young children can be challenging/exhausting. However, your eldest is now 6 and maybe they feel ready to spend more time with her and feel they could cope now she’s older.
So I would say they weren’t ‘cornering’ her but testing the waters first, to see if she would be happy to spend time alone with them. If she is positive about the idea, they would then ask you privately, if you were in agreement.
It seems to me they are being considerate of your daughter’s feelings. If she’s not keen, they are unlikely to ask you.

The relationship between my grandparents and my parents was difficult for many years. I wont go into the reasons. So I was always taken to see my gran by an aunt who acted as a "middleperson".

I got to do a lot of things with my grandmother that my sister (7 years younger) did not do. Apart from the age difference there was also a difference in temperament. My grandmother was into sewing/embroidery/crochet and helping me with my reading and writing. Whereas my sister was much more boisterous and not into the things which my grandmother wanted to do.

Having two children of different ages and with different interests is a lot more challenging than looking after one older child.

I remember that this happened to me when I was really small. We were visiting a grandparent who we only saw once a year. She took me into a bedroom and told me that this was where I would sleep when I stayed there. I was terrified.

The happiest times of my life were stating with Gran and Grandad. Just me. It was wonderful. Sigh.♥️

I would certainly have discussed proposal with parents first and unless it was an activity where age restrictions applied would have looked to include, in this instance, both children. Perhaps not having been involved actively in babysitting the GPs just don't appreciate the need to discuss with parents before approaching GC about idea. Your DH now knows, so just ask GPs to discuss with you both as you want to ensure all involved are aware of what's necessary for the outing.

Grammaretto

I'm not even trusted with the dog!

Yet I used to send my boys off on the train alone aged 10 and 8 to spend a fortnight on the Suffolk coast with their DGP. My inlaws.

Perhaps that's why I'm not trusted....

The inlaws wouldn't have the youngest brother, they said 2 is plenty, so I had to amuse him without his brothers.
The older ones had a great time and still talk about those days.

They get very worried about sending their own DC anywhere, citing it's a changed world now.

I just can’t believe anyone would let their children travel alone at such a young age, you are right maybe that is why they wouldn’t trust you, you appear to be annoyed that they wouldn’t have your youngest anything could have happened

You may be right Lesley. Perhaps we, it was DH as well as me, were naive but any danger seemed remote. Both boys were sensible and enjoyed being given responsibility.
If the DGP had taken the little brother we wouldn't have sent him on the train. We'd have driven them down.
Only once did the boys have to ask for help from a Station master at Thetford when their connecting train didn't come. The boys were given a drink and a biscuit in his office and loved to tell the stories of their adventures.
This was the 1970s so a safer world it's true but both boys have grown up very adventurous and responsible so I don't think we did anything wrong as parents.

As a grandparent I always, always , ask the parents first before even suggesting a thing to the children. I do spend time one on one with some of them , the older ones typically from time to time but only as an addition to the considerable time we spend with all of them , and if older little grand gets a day out for tea and the ballet with grams then her little brother will shortly get his turn for a day of fun out alone with grams too. We are very careful to not do more for any one of them. Because one lives a considerable distance away we don’t get to do as much one at a time there , buts it’s to maximize the time we do get to spend with them.

It’s absolutely OK to take out GC separately, my dear late parents couldn’t always cope with 3 under 5, so would take it in turns to do nice things with them one at a time.

BUT they always ran everything passed us first, so we could broach it with the children to ensure no one felt left out.

These are your children and however lovely their Grandparents are, they should run things by you first, especially as they are still quite little.

I wouldn't trust them.
Sounds manipulative.
Never mind about staying in your lane.
Your role is to be your children's champion.
Never mind how it might affect other people's feelings or ideas.
Your children come first. They are the vulnerable ones.
Don't get hung up on being too polite.
Your children will always remember you standing up for them and protecting them.
All the best.

welbeck

I wouldn't trust them.
Sounds manipulative.
Never mind about staying in your lane.
Your role is to be your children's champion.
Never mind how it might affect other people's feelings or ideas.
Your children come first. They are the vulnerable ones.
Don't get hung up on being too polite.
Your children will always remember you standing up for them and protecting them.
All the best.

Agreed.

I couldn't get worked up about this -sorry- so I would just suggest they speak to you first if that is important to you. I think taking the 6 yr old out for the day was most probably for easiness - I take it the 4 yr old is, well, a 4 yr old? and harder work?

Maybe Jane - but why are they assuming the cousin will be OK as well then?

they are also taking their other grandchild who is the same age as my youngest too

This is what the OP said. So it makes no sense to me!

oh sorry I missed the bit about the cousins

SpriteStar I should have mentioned that they are also taking their other grandchild who is the same age as my youngest too, so I didn’t understand why they intended to leave my youngest out.

To me their behaviour is unacceptable. Your husband could advise a long break is needed giving them time to reflect on said behaviour.