Requesting permission to take children out

Why the need for a long break!!! OP's husband has said he will talk to his parents so unless it happens again, let it go.

Smileless2012

Why the need for a long break!!! OP's husband has said he will talk to his parents so unless it happens again, let it go.

Long break may be needed to become calm and rational, these grandparents are neither. Letting things go doesn't stop horrid behaviour.

The OP and her husband aren't letting it go, he's going to talk to his parents and has probably done so by now Norah.

I didn't see anything from the OP to suggest that her in laws are neither calm nor rational. The GM did the wrong thing, people do make mistakes and calm and rational adults find constructive ways of dealing with them.

Taking a long break is akin to punishing them as they wont see their son or GC. That doesn't sound like a calm and rational response to me, or one that is good for the relationship in the long term unless of course low or no contact is being suggested.

I think the OP is concerned about the behaviour of the in laws,not only did they not speak to the parents, they spoke to a 6 year old first
They are also planning to take the four year old cousin as the well, the same age as the second child. This does smack of favouritism and I would put a stop to that immediately.
In my opinion the Grandparents did not make a mistake, they were being crafty. A strong conversation by the Father is required.

Yes, a conversation is required but a long break at this stage isn't.

Smileless2012

The OP and her husband aren't letting it go, he's going to talk to his parents and has probably done so by now Norah.

I didn't see anything from the OP to suggest that her in laws are neither calm nor rational. The GM did the wrong thing, people do make mistakes and calm and rational adults find constructive ways of dealing with them.

Taking a long break is akin to punishing them as they wont see their son or GC. That doesn't sound like a calm and rational response to me, or one that is good for the relationship in the long term unless of course low or no contact is being suggested.

Not punishment, imo people use breaks to assess rationally, calm down and could be quite good for their relationship.

They may need lower contact to deal constructively.

Smileless2012

Yes, a conversation is required but a long break at this stage isn't.

How is there a problem with a long break?

The Grandparents did not make a mistake they were crafty, they are clearly favouring the six year and the cousin who is the same age as the sister they were planning to leave out.
I would tell these sly Grandparents how dissapointed I was in their behaviour and how they would have to earn back my trust. Not all Grandparents are right.

Well, my thoughts are that I would not do any of those things.

I would not let my grandchild get to age 6 without asking if you would like some sort of break and enjoying their company.

I would not corner a 6 year old grandchild alone and make any sort of promises about anything without talking to my son or daughter first.

I would not consider taking one grandchild alone. If I could not manage 2 children I would make a plan where I could manage, especially as a first time. The only time I would consider having a grandchild alone is if the other had special plans that day like a birthday party with friends. I would not want to risk showing any favouritism and we all know or should know that children are sensitive to things like this and should be treated equally.

I have never been in this situation but I do feel you are right in your discomfort. I also get the impression they are wrong to try and treat you as anything less than you deserve. You are the parent. These are bonus adults that not all families get or have. They respect your parenting and your choices and that is that. You do not seem to be the sort to deliver those boundaries rudely. Stick to your guns.

The OP says they, and I think she's referring to the children and their paternal GP's, have a great relationship so why have a long break which would inevitably mean for as long as that break lasted, the children wouldn't see them Norah?

Smileless2012

The OP says they, and I think she's referring to the children and their paternal GP's, have a great relationship so why have a long break which would inevitably mean for as long as that break lasted, the children wouldn't see them Norah?

IMO people need breaks from bad behaviour. No reason to act as if bad behaviour is normal, nothing wrong with a few months break.

We disagree.

Yes we do Norah .

Team Norah

Always ask parents first. However I am sure they will in future, nothing to get upset about. Everyone knows what's what now.

Oh absolutely. Plenty of people that would drive you absolutely potty if you didn't avoid them for a bit sometimes. Emigrating is an option.

My thoughts too Allsorts. Long breaks at this stage is OTT and emigration!!!

welbeck

Team Norah

Thank you.

I'd think people should not meddle. Simple really.

I think the OP and her husband have done the right things:

*They have discussed together the way forward and agree that it cannot be ignored

*Husband has talked to his parents and presumably has explained the problem. I hope he has gained clarity on why they weren't planning to take the 4 year old as well. Assuming the parents have understood and agreed it wont happen again then all well and good

I would hope that dealing with it this way means that the family can move on hopefully with some better understanding together

I can see nothing helpful in instigating "a long break", towards reaching a constructive way forward for the family to the benefit of all. Adults all behaving like adults and discussing honestly and sorting out problems should always be the starting point when problems arise!

I would just say no.
No, we can't allow the kids to go on this outing without us ESPECIALLY for an over night trip.
I think it's underhand to ask the kids first.
I think it's also totally irresponsible.
I WOULDN'T be saying "take the youngest as well! "
I'd be saying No, No, and No again!
I found overnight trips to other relatives ( without me ) tended to be nothing short of a night mare.
My very own brother sat my kids on his knee to DRIVE THE CAR UP AND DOWN THE DRIVEWAY!
THAT'S A NO!
My closest friend was STARKERS IN FRONT OF THE KIDS.
And,No, I didn't agree with that either.
And sometimes when they start by being undermining they end up being undermining.
It's just a b** nightmare ! And not worth it for a moment!

And as a grandmother I would NEVER APPROACH THE KIDS FIRST ABOUT AN ARRANGEMENT!
THAT WOULD BE DISRESPECTFUL!

I see I am different to most of you.
I don't see being a Grandparent as my right.
I think it's just for me to be available to help out when needed and to step back when not wanted !

Oldmumnewgran

I see I am different to most of you.
I don't see being a Grandparent as my right.
I think it's just for me to be available to help out when needed and to step back when not wanted !

I don't see being a Grandparent as a right either! But being a Grandparent is a fact however that role develops for individuals.

Reading posts I think the majority AGREE with you that asking the kids first should not happen.

In this particular case as a parent I would be hesitant to allow an overnight trip for quite a while until I trusted them. But as a general principle overnight trips with trusted carers is I think a good thing for children, enabling a steady growing of confidence away from parents and helping to build resilience over time. You clearly had some unfortunate experiences when leaving your children. I did not!

Nothing in these posts suggest that the grandparents posting think they should be interfering rather than
" being available to help out when needed and to step back when not wanted" just like you.

Two very sensible posts Madgran.

Grandparent as a fact? Well I suppose, biologically and legally. There is far more to being a grandparent than that though. It is a different role to parent and a different kind of relationship.

There are plenty of mothers, fathers, uncles, grandparents etc letting children down but those labels are a fact I suppose.

It would be easier to talk about what makes a good grandparent and respecting the parents wishes I would have thought is a rather huge part of that. If the legal system and other child centered organisations would agree the parents are good ones then respecting that seems easier than the reality of family relationship lol too often.

Grandparent as a fact? Well I suppose, biologically and legally. There is far more to being a grandparent than that though. It is a different role to parent and a different kind of relationship

And your point is? My comment was specifically iin response to another poster which that statement relevant! I have made it clear from the beginning that I disagree with what the GPs did...and talking about what makes a good GP or parent is not really relevant to the specific actions raised by the OP.

I'm really not sure what you are trying to say in the context of this thread but so be it