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What to Do For The Best??

(108 Posts)
Nannamilly1 Sat 07-Dec-19 16:16:21

I’d appreciate any advice on the following. I don’t have too many people I can really speak to honestly and it’s causing significant issues in my life.

My daughter has 2 boys my 2 grandsons. She had them young at 17 and 19 and is no longer with the father. She lived at home with dg no 1 for the first 2 years before moving out. We have supported her from day one in everything she does and continue to support her as wholeheartedly as we can. We have loaned money, helped her to move numerous times, purchase anything the boys need, bail her out when she’s in trouble and have the boys most weekends. Since she has been single she has taken to dating much older men and behaves quite promiscuously, continuously putting herself at risk. We are close and she tells me a lot which is how I know. I am always talking to her and trying to guide her and advise her and support her in taking care of herself but she always ignores my advice.

She is now pregnant again following a number of brief encounters with the most recent ‘man’ and I feel like I am going insane. I feel like she is on a self destruct mission with no regard for herself or anyone else. She has not been raised with these values and I just can’t figure out whether it’s something I’ve done wrong?

I feel so angry with her, yet worried and sad all at the same time. Please help!

Urmstongran Sat 07-Dec-19 16:27:44

How old is she now?

Gonegirl Sat 07-Dec-19 16:37:50

I don't see there is anything you can do. They live their lives the way they want to. Just be there for the boys. Let her get on with it.

Enjoy the new baby when it comes. Hope you are not too old.

welbeck Sat 07-Dec-19 16:40:17

some people have a brain condition, whereby they cannot assess risk well, look to the future, resist impulsiveness, or make sound judgments, to the average ability.
any sign of this when growing up.
anyway, it doesn't really help unless she sees she has a problem and seeks help for it.
how about the children, are they being well looked after, what stability is she able to give them.
could she be persuaded to seek help, psychological help, for their sake, or homestart for practical help and support.
I know you do that, but maybe an outsider being neutral, might have more traction.
can see it's a great worry. hope you all do ok.

sodapop Sat 07-Dec-19 16:51:18

Sadly sometimes Nanamilly there is nothing we can do. Our adult children choose their own path and need to learn from their own experiences. Unfortunately in this case it involves not just your daughter but her children as well.
I would not help her as much as you have been doing, support the children but let her find out her actions have unpleasant consequences. Tough love sometimes needed and its hard to see your child behave like this.

Nannamilly1 Sat 07-Dec-19 16:52:20

She is 22 now

Nannamilly1 Sat 07-Dec-19 17:04:44

I am 46

Urmstongran Sat 07-Dec-19 17:07:13

She was very young then when she had her two babies.
It sounds as though she is having her ‘teenage fun’ a little late as she is a mother to 2 small boys now.

Somewhat irresponsibly - what happened about contraception?

Does she want this baby or is she considering a termination?

Nannamilly1 Sat 07-Dec-19 17:17:50

I think she feels that she has no choice other than a termination due to her current situation. She says contraception failed.

Greenfinch Sat 07-Dec-19 17:53:50

You are young enough to be a mother yourself. Could you have them all living with you ?With a third child she might come to her senses and settle down. If she has a termination she would probably return to her promiscuous ways.You don't say how she is with the boys.Is she a good mother?

endlessstrife Sat 07-Dec-19 18:18:58

There’s nothing you can do beyond keep talking to her. It’s good she does that at least. Be there when she falls if you can. You’re still very young yourself, so at least you’ve got that on your side. Enjoy your grandchildren, and try not to worry, she’ll burn herself out soon enough. Good luck🤗

BlueBelle Sat 07-Dec-19 18:25:36

If contraception failed and she is talking of a termination you may not have any further mouths to feed is she still with this last father ? And what does he think to the idea of a termination ?
I agree with others you sound as if you have a good relationship so all you can do is continue to ask her to take care when you’re talking, I m sure she ll grow up soon some people mature later than others
Is she a good mum to the two she’s got ?

HurdyGurdy Sat 07-Dec-19 18:34:44

What contact/input does the boys' father have? Is he able to express concern for her lifestyle and the impact it could have on his children?

Tempting though it is for parents to moralise, we do have to accept that our children are adults and are responsible for themselves and their choices.

It sounds as though you have done a lot for your daughter and grandchildren, and you should continue to do so for the children, at least.

Being promiscuous, whilst not ideal, does not make her a bad mother, and as long as the children are well cared for, and not being introduced to a string of "uncles", then how she conducts herself isn't anyone's concern but her own.

Gonegirl Sat 07-Dec-19 18:46:24

Termination is not a form of contraception.

Can't you persuade her to have the baby? It's your grandchild. You will love him/her.

JenniferEccles Sat 07-Dec-19 19:27:52

Heavens as she is only 22 there could potentially be several more unplanned pregnancies given her promiscuous lifestyle.

I know your daughter is an adult but as you are close and she talks to you , you are in a unique position to try to get her to act more responsibly.

I guess all the time you bail her out and support her financially she has no incentive to change her ways.

Time for tough love I think .

Nannamilly1 Sun 08-Dec-19 00:34:13

She is a good mum to the boys (if a little on the lazy side sometimes) in my opinion but they are generally well looked after. Their father has little input as he makes little effort with them but she does her best to facilitate the relationship between them. The boys have never been introduced to any of her partners as she is ‘firm’ that she will not let anyone in to their lives unless they are significant & she lives them. She doesn’t have a partner at present.

I don’t want her to have a termination as I feel (selfishly or not) that this is another grandchild of mine and I feel protective already sad However, it’s not me that has the decision to make...

I couldn’t have her back home again, as awful as that may sound. She is far too lazy and I would end up doing it all. I have a business to run and dh still works ft. I also have a chronic illness which takes its toll on me and I’m not sure she realises the strain I feel from all of her dramas.

Feelingmyage55 Sun 08-Dec-19 02:18:44

More knowledgeable heads than mine will come along but I have some thoughts. The boys must be about 3 and 5 so at school and nursery/preschool. If your daughter could be motivated/encouraged, it would be feasible to return to education or training and set up a better future for herself and family, set some goals for herself and an example to the children. A third child would probably prevent that. She may be lazy about certain things but if she could see a rewarding future may show a hard working side. Having an unwanted baby or an unwanted termination is not a good idea. Can the GP/doctor arrange some counselling so that she can make a decision she can live with? I wonder if she behaves as she does because she thinks she has messed up and cannot see a positive way forward. The right help could maybe change that to working towards a more constructive life/career. I wish you all well.

minxie Sun 08-Dec-19 09:58:25

Nobody should persuade anyone to have a baby they don’t want. That’s just passive bullying

BusterTank Sun 08-Dec-19 10:04:43

Im afraid it's kids bringing up kids . All you can do is keep giving her advice and perhaps one day she will learn from her mistakes . Just be there for your grandchildren because you will be the one to pick up the pieces . Good luck .

jaylucy Sun 08-Dec-19 10:05:56

I think she just sounds like many young women that have had children young and not able to hold onto a lasting relationship with a man that will love her back.
There's a part of me that thinks that this third child may make all the difference to her but as she seems to have fallen into the trap of sleeping with any man that no doubt has told her he loves her, I think I may be wrong.
She needs counselling - a) to decide on the best course of action right now and b) to help her to find out that she is a worthwhile human being despite her lifestyle. Maybe she has been seeing older men in the mistaken belief that they would be more likely to want to have a long lasting relationship with her and provide a stable home for her children.
There is little you can do beyond continuing to support her as you have done. I hope that she gets the help that she needs and can move on with her life.

Juicylucy Sun 08-Dec-19 10:09:06

I do feel she is searching for male approval, what sort of relationship does she have with her own father?
This sort of behaviour stems from low self esteem so she is looking for these men to give her there attention/ approval.
Would be good idea to try and build her own self worth so she doesn’t seek it in men’s attention.
It’s not everyone’s opinion but being a young mother once myself I do feel a termination is the best choice for her at the moment. And maybe the injection pill that lasts for 3 months at a time if she’s forgetful.
Take care of you as well as her.

optimist Sun 08-Dec-19 10:11:37

My son has borderline personality disorder and can lead a very tricky life. sounds like your daughter may have the same condition.

Naty Sun 08-Dec-19 10:13:06

Well...she's got to make a decision as to whether she'll keep it or not. Moving forward, she needs real contraception and probably two forms of it. She could end up with much worse than a baby. Her kids need her. You at 46 have no business dealing with three grandkids. I feel for you. Perhaps you could express your love for her but your unhappiness with the choices she's made. I'd seek professional help if possible. She's putting your lives in precarious situations due to her stupidity. She's suffering from low self esteem and wants someone to love her and validate her.

Greciangirl Sun 08-Dec-19 10:13:11

I suppose the one thing in your favour is that you are a relatively young grandmother.

My Dd is a single mother also. She is always having dramas and meltdowns. At times I feel I can’t cope with it all as I am now 74 years old.

Also, I couldn’t have her living back with me either as she is extremely untidy and messy. It would drive me up the wall.
Luckily that is not an option.

Stop being so generous and say no. Enough is enough.
Another baby is not a good idea, given the circumstances.

jannxxx Sun 08-Dec-19 10:13:22

is she finding being a mum from a early age difficult, does she feel she missed out on being a teenager, theres something making her act this way, all you can do is be there and support her, maybe she doesnt know why shes doing what shes doing, but she has to talk it over with someone not fair to keep bringing babies into it.