What to Do For The Best??

P.S.

I agree wholeheartedly with Naty.

Wow I feel for you.
But she is an adult and will do what she wants regardless.
Personally I would pull back a bit on giving her so much as this could be making it simple for her to get herself in this situation.
I wish you all the best.

After whatever she decides about the baby she is carrying, she has inserted in her arm the three year contraception. You only have to remind her to renew it every third year.

It sounds like your daughter has self esteem issues and is confusing sex with love. She obviously needs the love and is looking for it in the wrong places. This probably stems from something, either some sort of abuse in childhood or as a young adult that has confused her perception of what love looks like. I would work on her self esteem, lots of praise, lots of love. Help her love herself so that she sees what she deserves in a relationship.

You don't condone her behaviour yet you facilitate it by constantly having her children so that she can be footloose. I wonder if it time to pull back and let her shoulder the responsibility. She has made her choices.

Sad as it may be you cannot make her live your kind of life.. your DD is obviously thinking about her situation now regarding the pregnancy. Perhaps one thing you could ensure she fully addresses with you supporting her is good contracepton for the future. You do seem to care for your family, seems your DD would find life even more difficult without you. All you can do is really keep your involvement with your DGC to ensure they have stability. Very hard situation but you can take a horse to water etc.....

This is such a sad situation. Has your daughter got any qualifications that would enable her to get a good career, or would she need to go back to education to become better qualified?
It sounds as if her self-esteem is at rock-bottom and she needs some success in life to boost her morale and stop her from looking for affection from all these irresponsible losers!
Now the boys are older and off her hands for part of the day, she must have a bit more free time she could use to get better qualifications - she could try the OU for example. The daughter of a friend of mine is doing this and it seems to be working out well.
If the problem is her laziness and lack of motivation, then I think she needs a really good talking to to make her face up to her responsibilities. She is so young, she has time to sort herself out and make a good life for herself and the boys.
As for the coming baby, well, I think that having a termination might not be helpful, considering her lack of self-esteem already. Perhaps she could have the baby adopted, or talk to Citizens’ Advice about what help would be available for her, if she should decide to go back to education.
I think you could make it absolutely clear that you are not prepared to look after the new baby as you have your own life to lead and you are still young. It is time she sorted herself out, for the sake of everybody involved.

Firstly I think you sound a great mum, supporting her all the time regardless of how she is behaving , I could be wrong but I think she doesn’t like herself very much has low self esteem, it must be very worrying for you being told how she lives her life, it seems she has no intention of curbing her lifestyle as you say she ignores your advice, and now pregnant again, if it was my situation I would be holding back the babysitting more and not giving her money bailing her out, sad to say it but the more you give her she’s not learning anything, as she knows you will come to her rescue regardless, giving her a red light to carry on , does she want to keep her third baby, I would be talking to her about contraception a better form, she does sound very selfish, with no regard for herself or anyone else, wishing you the best and hope she can sort her life out sooner rather than later

Has your daughter seen a doctor lately? Promiscuity, low self esteem, inability to handle money etc. can indicate a mental health issue. I'm not saying that's what it is but it's worth considering.

I have walked in your shoes Nannamilly, and you have my heartfelt sympathy. Our daughter's path was almost identical to yours and we responded in the same way as your are doing. Sadly our daughter died and our grandchildren are now with their dads, but they are thriving which is the important thing. All I can offer you is that nothing you have done has led to your daughter living the way she does. You are helping her and trying to guide her, but she is an adult and choosing to live her life in this way, even though it isn't what you want for her and your grandchildren. The children's welfare is the important factor here. Our daughter's outcome wasn't what we wanted, but we knew it could end in that way. We are mourning her, but know that we did everything that we possibly could to help her. You are doing the same. Don't beat yourself up blaming yourself for something that's beyond your control. I wish you a happier outcome than we had, and that your daughter eventually decides for herself to make the changes you'd like to see.

So sorry you are in this situation. As a parent being supportive to your children is instinctive, helping where you can, wether you agree with their choices or you don’t. Something all parents struggle with at times although it is rarely said I think. You have done what you can. Maybe now you should consider what is best for you long term. Your daughter will do as she chooses. You can’t change that. What you can do is choose how you allow her behaviour to affect you.

You say she has not been raised with these values but I fear she has - 17 is very young to have a baby - I wonder why at that point the conversation about termination wasn’t held - and then to have another child before she was 20 - this suggests to me that there has been no thought about what might be good for a new born - what kind of a life it might have with with a young unstable mother - I’d you hasn’t stepped in to bail her out on a regular basis she may have become known to social services and then the hard truths would have been made known to her - the current conversation about termination is an important one because maybe she is just beginning to realise that she has enough to cope with - you should encourage her to go down that road - there are hundreds of people who can’t have their own children and apply to adopt - the things they have to prove about their ability to care for children are enormous and some are refused - If the social workers involved in vetting such applicants were to look at your daughter’s situation they would certainly frown on it - you have helped your daughter and given her the message that it’s OK to get pregnant because you are there with the huge safety net - my advice would be to encourage a termination and encourage her to see the GP and ask for some counselling and maybe CBT to make some changes to her compulsive behaviour which you seem to have identified around men - she has obviously not finished her education and is in need of more - that’s the best way to help her and your grandsons.

I am so sorry that you are having to go through this. I think your daughter has some mental health issues and maybe needs to seek some professional help. My step daughter is onto her 5th child, all of which have been taken into care except the latest one. My husband hasnt spoken to her in 10 years and the situation is really bad. Also she hates me and won't have anything to do with either me or my son. I have tried my best in the past but She has bi-polar and other stuff going on. I don't have any other answers for you at the moment other than she needs help. Sorry. x

After a termination, do please suggest a coil. That way she wouldn't have to make any further effort about contraception. And although of course she'd need to take care re STDs, at least the possible pregnancy aspect would be sorted. And nobody should persuade anyone to have a baby they don't want so please be neutral on this. It's HER choice. Gonegirl, I'm also looking at you on this.

I firstly want to say what an amazing mum & grandma you are. The situation you are in with your daughter is not a reflection of how you have parented her. The choices are you adult daughters and you can only support her as you see fit to do so! It doesn’t matter what others think or say as ultimately it’s you who feels the pain. I really do wish you all the best and send you a massive hug. From another mum & grandma who understands you situation x

Sadly I think you have just got to be there to pick up the pieces.

Sounds like she maybe has a personality disorder. If it were my daughter I wouldn’t support a termination. Years ago my best friend told me she was having a termination. It was common and a few of our friends did . Two years later she said she was having another termination. This time I felt sick, had a bad bad feeling. I asked her why and she said she didn’t feel secure in her relationship. I said but you have a house money and no good reason to do it. But she went ahead. I felt this awful awful dread feeling that she had made a huge mistake and i felt so strongly it would have awful consequences. But then I forgot all about it. A year later she got pregnant and had a baby and it was joyful. A year later she got terminal breast cancer. A year later she died. A coincidence? Is there such a thing? Having had no views on termination before that I ended up feeling it was not a medical procedure but ending the life of an unborn child. Hence I would never agree with it. Kids all over the world survive enormous horrors so there’s no justification for termination imho
If I was 46 I’d adopt it myself if she didn’t want it.

Babies are precious and please don't think about an abortion. There are so many people in the world who cannot have children and would love this little one. So maybe consider adoption by someone else but this is your grand child. Careful thought is needed and maybe some kind of contraception for the future. Take care and let us know how things go. Sorry you are having to go through this. x

I feel for you Nanna.. There is no happy choice here. I'm against abortion in many ways but often it's the best solution - definitely the woman needs to know she wont suffer from guilt later but if she's sure it's right, then ok. Also, it needs to be a strong wake up call.
Whichever way your daughter goes, I'd ask, or insist if you can, that she goes to therapy for at least 12 sessions. If you look up Counselling Directory and choose your area, you could scroll through and see if anyone looks right. You could even try a couple for one session to see how they are. I'd not suggest the spend on this but you have helped your daughter financially already so think this could be good.
I used not think of therapy as something for me but now know it would have been good when offered to me 30+ years ago!

My GD is just the same, impetuous single young mum (18), lives alone and I worry/help a lot. Just try to enjoy the good things and treat yourself sometimes. Not easy I know. Retirement isn't always 'roses round the door' ?

Oh my goodness, PLEASE don’t be swayed by these awful instructions as to what your daughter should do. Nobody, even you, should tell your daughter what to do. She MUST decide herself and not be persuaded to do what somebody else thinks or wants.
It sounds like she really needs to speak to a counsellor to help her make the right decision for her. She needs to weigh up all the consequences of having the baby, having the baby adopted or terminating the pregnancy. Doesn’t matter what any random person thinks. This is HER life and her future.
It sounds like you have done everything to help her. Maybe too much!
She’s behaving like a spoilt teenager - weekends free to do whatever she wants with whoever she fancies; bailed out financially and emotionally when things go wrong; supported in everything, whether it’s successfully or not; free to ignore all practical advice etc etc.
Why would she ever want to change? She has a fully supported life without terrible consequences no matter what she does.
You may have been a wonderful mother, but she is an ungrateful sponger.

CleoPanda that's very harsh. I was hopeless at 22. Different circumstances for sure. Not everyone at that age has lots of common sense. Would love to go back and give myself a good talking to

This is why I believe there is a place for continuous education ideally she should be out having fun,travelling and learning a trade I use the term trade as not all of is are cut out for academics.
She will find it hard to settle now she has the third coming .
The world has so much to offer
All you can do is continue to engage do not judge but be there in a supportive role do not take her back in start thinking of yourselves and your future dont give her more than necessary.
Things are given and taken to easily the expectations on us from our younger ones at times is totally bordering on unrealistic.
46 is the time you should not have to worry so much but im.sorry that this is not the case.

Time to call “time” on her behaviour. 2 children are enough for her and YOU to handle!
I feel that your daughter requires outside intervention and guidance on her behaviour/ insecurities and what she wants for her future as well as the future of her children. Can she access CBT or counselling ?
I am never one to judge but I feel that she now needs to be more responsible and give you a break . Given your illness plus business to run, you are not in a position to give any more support. Sometimes, as parents, we have to make hard choices.

The fact she’s had two children so young suggests maybe something is amiss. Did she have a happy childhood? Was she well behaved? My sister had a daughter at nearly 17 so I’m not judgemental just wondering what’s happened to her in her life to behave in this way? I don’t think termination is the answer personally. She’s young but already has children and you’re young enough to help. When my sister got pregnant I was only 22 myself. My mum, not the most loving or maternal woman, talked about the baby being adopted. I was disgusted (never got on with my mum anyway - strange lady). I could not bear the thought of my flesh and blood being brought up by another family. I offered to have the baby myself and argued this was wrong. Then my mum was happy with the idea of my then 16 year old sister renting somewhere with her unemployed boyfriend. It took me, as the eldest child and strong-willed to show common sense and love. I argued that these solutions weren't right and that my sister, boyfriend and baby should live with my parents to have support in all ways. I couldn’t bear my poor sister struggling like that. So that’s what happened. Well, my delightful mum left the home when my niece was only 3 months so my dad looked after them. My niece is now 23 years old and doing very well for herself. I think OP that if you are in a position to help raise this child then you should. I realise it’s your daughters decision but she needs to understand that she can’t keep doing this and just terminate a human life. It makes me sick that it’s seen as a normal solution for irresponsible behaviour.