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(34 Posts)
Vivab Wed 27-Jul-16 13:01:35

My Dear husband of 44 yrs took his own life 20 months ago.
It came totally out of the blue, and even now I am still in shock, as he left a note saying his disability was getting worse and he did not want to be a burden.
He was my sole mate, and even tho I have a great family and friends each day is a struggle.
My dear brother dropped dead age 28 of a rare heart defect 34 years ago, I had just completed a bereavement course ( i was a carer )
I recognise all the feelings from the posts I have read.
Yes people mean well but unless they too have experienced the same they do not understand.
My advice is take ALL and ANY help that comes your way ( in my case I contacted SOBS-survivors of suicide ) as well as cruse etc.
I keep busy, and have taken on volunteer work.( you can draw strength from people in the same boat or even worse than you. ( we all need a reason to get out of bed in the morning )
Nothing will ever be the same, but life goes on.
I even felt guilty the first time I laughed.
You just have to think how lucky you are to have had them in your life and try to remember the good times.
I met people all the time that have nothing and no one.
It makes me it better to have loved and lost or not loved at all.
Good luck to us all.
remember you are not alone, and life was never fair.

gillybob Wed 27-Jul-16 13:27:33

I am terribly sorry for your loss Vivab.

I lost my mum in April. She was only 74. They had been married for 55 years and my dad, bless him, is suffering terribly having been her carer for a very long time. We do try to keep him busy but it's very hard as I work full time and look after my own grandchildren too. Like yourself I don't think his life will ever be the same.

I am not sure about the "love and loss" thing, but I think that losing someone you loved so very dearly, must be worse than having never known them in the first place.

Regalo Wed 27-Jul-16 21:51:58

I admire your fortitude Vivab and I am sorry for your losses. As you so rightly say, life will never be the same again but it does go on....I do think it takes about two years to be able to reach this train of thought. I have lost both parents and my in laws but the hardest loss of all was our twin grandsons. For a long time I was angry that little ones should be taken but I can now see how much strength and support there is in our family. My biggest consolation is that the boys only ever knew love in their short lives...they knew no pain or sadness. Very few of us can say that.

Vivab Thu 28-Jul-16 09:50:12

Hi. Thank you ladies for your reply.
Some things are too painful to - get over ( another word use by well meaning people )
I guess you just have to learn to live with it, and take each day as it comes.
Maybe life would be easier if we did not care so much.
But then we would have missed so many good times.
So let's be grateful for what we had, and still have.

Gononsuch Thu 28-Jul-16 10:01:45

Message deleted by Gransnet. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Bellanonna Thu 28-Jul-16 10:10:00

I don't know why you say that Gonosuch confused

ninathenana Thu 28-Jul-16 12:45:58

Please explain Gononsuch I've no idea why you think that.

Mumsy Thu 28-Jul-16 13:02:55

Your so right vivab, celebrate their life and that you were part of it.

Bellanonna Thu 28-Jul-16 16:00:37

Thank goodness that nasty post was deleted.

Vivab you are right, those of us who have not experienced what you are going through cannot properly understand, we can only imagine. You are right to accept help and I'm glad your voluntary work helps you. Please join in the various threads on here too when you have time. flowers

icanhandthemback Thu 28-Jul-16 16:43:22

I lost my brother just before his 40th Birthday through an accidental prescription drug overdose and my GD was stillborn within 3 days about 3 months ago. It was one of the worst weeks of my life to be honest but I know that our lives must go on and the pain will lessen. When I lost my daughter 16 years ago the pain was unbearable until I watched a program where most of the women in a village had lost all the males in their family due to war. Although I still felt sad, it did make me count my blessings in my DH and DC I still had left. It certainly helped me to feel less sorry for myself.

jeltel Tue 09-Aug-16 12:39:09

Have just joined. Not feeling too good as lost my husband 2 months ago on this Wednesday, from cancer. Very hard to get up in the mornings and feeling lost. Am trying on a good day to go out, walking to the cafe and sitting down with a cup of tea but seeing couples enjoying life is so hard. Weekends can also be very long and lonely. Have restarted to going to the gym for 1/2 hr on the treadmill maybe twice a week which is ok, but people don't smile or say hello ! They say baby steps and time is a healer, I truly hope so
Unfortunately family don't understand my grief, they are probably silently suffering but we are unable to talk to one another. They are OK as they have families, sadly I do not have really any friends but I am going to a bereavement coffee morning soon

M0nica Tue 09-Aug-16 13:28:03

jeltel two months is a very short period after such a bereavement. I expect too that you are worn out mentally and physically by the last months of your DH's illness. In the past the first stage of bereavement was expected to take a year and you draped yourself in black and went no where socially throughout that year. And while the widows weeds are thankfully gone, the recognition that it will take you at least a year to lose the acute grief at his loss seems to also to have been forgotten, but remind yourself of it regularly.

You are already doing really well to be taking yourself out to cafes and going to the gym. Do keep that up. I am not sure time heals, but with time you do get used to having had the loss, although decades after, some small thing will suddenly hurtle you back through time with a sudden reminder of the person you mourn.

You are doing the right thing in joining a bereavement group, indeed you are doing everything any councillor would recommend.

All I can say is welcome to Gransnet, I haven't seen your name before. You are among friends, many of whom have experienced a loss like yours, so keep reading - and posting on this thread and on others that take your fancy.

Stansgran Tue 09-Aug-16 17:35:29

Well said* Munica*. There are people are Gransnet jeltel who can help you more than I could but as the previous poster join in here when you feel you can. And treat yourself kindly.

Ginny42 Tue 09-Aug-16 22:17:29

People don't truly understand unless they've experienced the extreme pain of loss. You have the added shock of the way his life ended. He's still in your heart though, and that's not very far away.

Be gentle with yourself, but sometimes be a little tough and accept invitations when you'd rather stay home. Take comfort from what the other members are telling you, that in time you will find peace.

rosesarered Tue 09-Aug-16 22:28:04

Welcome Vivab and Jeltel
* and sorry to hear about your sad losses.It will take time for you to accept your bereavements, so allow yourself that time, nobody should expect a brave face and if they do, then too bad.Be kind to yourselves.?

Anya Tue 09-Aug-16 22:48:36

Vivab & Jeltel so, so sorry to read your posts and good that you can come on here and talk about your loss.

In the words of the Bard "Give sorrow words. The grief that does not speak. Whispers the o'erfraught heart and bids it break."


jeltel Wed 10-Aug-16 09:50:47

Thank you for your kind comments, it has already helped reading your messages. I have shut myself away and am trying to have the confidence to go out

Gagagran Wed 10-Aug-16 10:28:22

You are both so welcome to join us on GN and I hope you find some comfort here.

Might I suggest you think of trying the WI? It's all women so easier than mixed social gatherings and there are monthly meetings but often other activities taking place through the month. In my own WI we have a darts group, a skittles group, gardening club, craft group, coffee morning club and lunch club. We also have outings periodically. In September we are going on the paddle steamer "Waverley" from Portsmouth to Yarmouth on the Isle of Wight.

Many of our members are widows and one said to me only recently "WI has been a real life saver for me".

Should either of you be interested, if you send me a Private Message giving your location, I can find the nearest WI and their contact details and would be very happy to forward them to you.

Keep strong. Things will gradually ease and you do not have to be lonely and friendless. There are people out there ready to fill the gaps! flowersflowers for you both.

jeltel Thu 11-Aug-16 10:03:02

Don't know if you recd my mess so am sending again, thank u I would like for u to find the nearest WI to me on the Isle of Wight
Await to hear

Elegran Thu 11-Aug-16 10:41:32

You will probably find one on this map, jeltel

Gagagran Thu 11-Aug-16 10:46:02

jeltel I have pm'd you with contact details.

Cath9 Sun 23-Oct-16 16:38:12

I can well understand how you all must have felt as I did also when my one and only passed away two years ago, after 45 years together.
One just has to think of the family and life goes on, but today I have been listening to that wonderful song,first sang by Keeker Davis in 1963 called, 'End of the World', does anyone else remember it as it was also sung by Karen Carpenter later?

hulahoop Sun 23-Oct-16 18:57:53

To all who have lost a loved one ?Be kind to yourselves x

pensionpat Sun 23-Oct-16 19:08:36

I remember that song well it was sung by Skeeter Davis and how poignant those lyrics!

Jayh Sun 23-Oct-16 19:13:57

?Vivab and Jeltel? Life has dealt you both a heavy blow. It is amazing what the human constitution can deal with so hold in there. Meanwhile, I am sending you virtual hugs.