Not sure how I feel yet.

Whenever you lose a parent I imagine there are always regrets about things. It must be very rare indeed to feel totally at peace with the loss as all relationships are flawed in one way or another.

Nothing to add Phoenix just hugs and supportive thoughts. I hope you will be able to go to the funeral and feel you have said your goodbyes.

I'm struck by the way you are able to recall the happy times and the laughs you used to have with your Mum. Also your admiration for her strength in keeping you as a young unmarried Mum at a time when that took great courage.

I hope that in time you will perhaps just remember those times and the sad times will diminish.

Very sorry to hear this Phoenix. It is bad enough to lose your Mum, without this inexplicable situation to contend with. No wonder you don't know how you feel.

It is impossible sometimes to know why people act the way they do, when you aren't aware of any reason. I hope you get through the funeral and the next weeks with plenty of love and support. At least you have the good times to remember.

Phoenix

I can't add to the replies, but send you condolences.
A mother is someone who can never be replaced, whatever our relationship over the years.

Really good posts from lots of people Phoenix and I hope they have helped. It just goes to show you are not alone.

Mothers are a funny breed - except us, that is!

So sorry for your loss phoenix and I don't blame you for not knowing how you feel at all. Maybe in time you can figure things out in your own mind a bit better but you can't blame yourself in any way, especially considering you don't even know why she stopped speaking to you in the first place. Is it possible she may have spoken with your DIL ?

Sending you x

I think it is the not knowing that is so difficult and will never go away.

Phoenix, over the years your strength and pragmatism has always come through in dealing with the problems of life and I think, with time, you will reach some rapprochement with yourself about this matter as well, including with the fact that the niggling 'why' will be always with you.

Many wise and kind words on here Phoenix and hopefully of comfort as you try to come to terms with this. Whatever you did or did not do, you obviously got one thing right; your son and his family who your Mother felt able to talk to. Perhaps they will be able to help you.

Please do not hold out hope of a letter - it does seem unlikely if she did not even want you to know she had been in hospital. It truly is not your fault that she chose to cut herself off, and worse not to discuss the reasons with you. It really does leave you hanging in mid air. She really should not have done that. It is very hard indeed on you. But it is NOT your fault.

She made things very uncomfortable for your son too I am sure, having to keep information to himself.

A chapter has closed now and time will help you to adapt to that. As others have said you could try to hang on to what a good mother she was in the past - at least you have that to look back on.

It is indeed a shame and a waste - but some things cannot be changed and we have to be determined to move on. I do hope that there are people alongside you to hold your hand through this difficult time.

Actually I feel rather sorry for her, before she cut me off, we had a great relationship, same sense of humour, laughing over daft things until we had to cross our legs! She wouldn't go clothes shopping without me (I used to have to take a days holiday from work and accompany her as she went from shop to shop).

Such a shame, and such a waste, and unless she has left a letter, I will never know what it was all about.

Phoenix . It is so sad, and a shock when one's mother dies. A whole part of our life becomes history.

It is easy after the death of someone close, who we have not had an easy relation with to regret that we didn't reach that happy ground we sought before they died, but it is an illusion, unless a breach was recent and clearly temporary, and yours doesn't sound that, to think that if we had had a bit more time, another year that breach or difference would have been resolved, but it is unlikely.

I loved my DM dearly, but we were chalk and cheese and we never achieved the closeness that both of us wanted. In the end I just accepted the relationship I had with her. When she died, I was left with the regret and the what ifs about our relationship. But I soon realised that if my mother had lived another 20 years (she died in her 80s) nothing would have changed and I have made my peace.

Phoenix I think you will in time come to terms with the relationship you had with mother towards the end of her life. You did what you could to resolve the issues. Do not agonise over the might havebeens, they would probably have remained unfulfilled. Remember everything that was good and happy about your relationship in the past, your mother's courage and determination, and love for you and lay the problems of recent years aside and blame them on the vagaries of age.

So many mixed emotions for you phoenix but she was your mother and it's bound to be a hard time right now.

Who knows why she cut herself off from you - nowt so strange as folk.

phoenix I too am so sorry to hear of your mother's death. I cannot imagine all the conflicting feelings you must have, but you tried your best so don't feel guilty.
Sometimes there are no answers.

Oh phoenix I'm so sorry to hear your sad news. Others on here have said such wise things. So many of us mourn 'what might have been' and try to make sense of it, but I'm not sure that it's always possible. Perhaps now another family member may be able to fill in some of the gaps - they may have felt that they couldn't whilst your mother was still alive.

It has all been said, but thinking of you Phoenix

Thinking of you.

Sending you lots of love and {{HUGS}} phoenix xx

So sad for you Phoenix. It's shattering to lose your mother, whatever the relationship has been like.

Hello all, many thanks for the messages, they are appreciated.

I've just spoken to DS, she had been in and out of hospital, but he wasn't "allowed" to tell me. She was 83, and hadn't been in good health for quite a while. DS is handling all the arrangements, so I will just have to wait until he lets me know what the plans are.

and a virtual hug, I'm very sorry.

?

. Take time for yourself.