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Bereavement

Silly and soppy sorry

(80 Posts)
Anniebach Sun 10-Sep-17 14:26:35

Next year would have been our golden wedding . Because he has been dead for so long I am troubled thinking about him. He is five years older than my grandson .

I am now thinking I will not be interred in the same grave, an oldie with a young man . Yes I know we will both be dead but still it makes me uncomfortable .

I did tell younger daughter I thought this, the darling said -
I love watching The Ghost and Mrs Muir because I have always thought the end of that film would be like you and daddy after you die .

I have to decide , my health isn't great .

Do I feel like this because this year there has been so many changes , no mental health drop in centre , no political meetings , grandchildren all moving away this month.have no contact now with my three sisters.

So silly, I feel lost , empty.
This is what comes on listening to Billy Ekstine !

nanaK54 Sun 10-Sep-17 14:35:58

Dear Anniebach flowers I like to think that you will both be young when you meet again in heaven x

baubles Sun 10-Sep-17 14:38:26

I don't have any words of comfort but I know what it is to feel lost and empty. flowers

Luckygirl Sun 10-Sep-17 14:42:51

Put on some jolly music instead!

Anniversaries always evoke memories and are so hard when you have been bereaved. It may have been long ago, but I am guessing that it feels like yesterday to you. You have had a house move this year and that is incredibly stressful and leaves its mark for a good while to afterwards.

I feel angry when I hear that mental health drop in centres have closed - it is so short-sighted.

I do not know how you can resolve the burial decision, but I can see where you are coming from. I know it sounds irrational, but if it matters to you then it is important.

Take care - tomorrow is another day.

Jane10 Sun 10-Sep-17 14:51:31

Maybe it's the time of year? End of summer, children and grandchildren off to school or uni.
Anniebach you'll feel better soon. You have your nice new house now. I bet you can find some positive activities to pour your energy and kindness into to fill the gaps left by the homeless centre and labour party. sunshine

mumofmadboys Sun 10-Sep-17 15:04:01

Can you try and mend things with your sisters?

Nannarose Sun 10-Sep-17 15:05:12

Anniebach, you can make a decision about your own funeral now that feels right at the moment,and you can change it in the future if you want.
Your husband, in the love he had for you, would understand that you make the best decision that enables you to lead the best life that you can.
Be kind to yourself.

morethan2 Sun 10-Sep-17 17:13:53

I don't think your being silly or soppy. I do understand your feeling of emptiness. I think perhaps these feeling come when we are going through changes or difficult times. Is it our minds trying to make sense/come to terms with something? In my own experience it often forces me to
re-evaluate my life and make changes or take up a new challenge. I think it's lovely that you can talk to your daughter. What ever decisions you eventually come to about burial will be what's right for you and your family. I do hope you feel better soon. It's rotten to feel so low. flowers

devongirl Sun 10-Sep-17 17:17:33

annie I feel that if there is life after death, it is nothing to do with our bodies but with our souls, they're the essence of us and completely independent of age so age won't be an issue.

Lona Sun 10-Sep-17 17:24:19

I would like to think Annie (if it were me), that he's waiting there for you, and your souls will be together, as you were when he died. flowers

gillybob Sun 10-Sep-17 17:59:13

Oh Annie I'm not sure what I can say to make things better for you. I wish there was something. sad

You have so much faith ( I envy you that ) surely you can work this out between you and your god. Maybe most people who have lost the love of their lives many years previous start thinking like this? My dear grandad died at 75 whereas the love of his life my grandma lived to be 99 . She was absolutely sure they would meet again in heaven. Would they both be 75? Would he have aged accordingly ? Would he want to waltz with a 99 year old? Can a 99 year old even waltz?
Come on now Annie I'm sure you can sort this out. I think it's the time of year ( as others have said) it's getting darker much earlier , the weather is miserable which effects our mood. Your DGD will be moving away soon and it's all getting on top of you .

Plus everything that Lona said.

I know I'm a fine one to tell anyone to try and cheer up but you are usually cheery and I'm not used to the melancholy anniebach.

Sorry for mixed up post but I'm trying to type on my phone.

lemongrove Sun 10-Sep-17 18:35:10

Sorry to hear that Anniebach💐
I think I know what you mean( about the burial arrangements) but what is a little time and age difference when you have loved somebody?
Autumn can be a melancholy sort of season, and grandchildren flying the nest, just like our children is an added sadness.
Allow yourself these feelings, rather than trying to instantly cheer up, but know that it will pass.

TriciaF Sun 10-Sep-17 18:46:05

Try to think of it as - it's only the body that dies. The soul, the nature of the person, lives on, and has aged with your soul. Because marriage unites the 2 souls.
Hoping you'll be re-united sometime Annie - but not yet!
Your family still needs you.

GrandmaMoira Sun 10-Sep-17 19:29:29

There's no reason why you shouldn't be interred with your husband, though if you feel uncomfortable about it, it's your choice.
I know I won't be interred with my husband as he is in his family plot which his sister controls and I don't generally have any contact with his family since he died.

cornergran Sun 10-Sep-17 20:32:49

I feel saddened by your distress Annie. So many changes in the recent past and now this to consider. It must make it hard to think. My own instinct is that your soul is ageless. But what's important here is how you feel. Why not have a chat with your Minister or others you trust from your Church? Come to a conclusion that feels right for you. wishing you a peaceful nights sleep and a brighter tomorrow.

paddyann Sun 10-Sep-17 21:01:35

oh Annie grief jumps up and bites us when we least expect it doesn't it? My lovely mum was angry when Dad died suddenly 5 months before their 50th anniversary.she felt he'd "left her" when he'd always promised he never would.She lived 12 years after he died and she had days where she missed him so much it was hard to see.They had been together since they were 12years old.She decided to be cremated and have her ashes scattered in a place special to them so thats what we did .That might be the answer you're looking for,somewhere that you both loved,though as others have said no one knows if people stay the same in "heaven" its just in our minds that we keep them the way they left us.Our children stay children ,our GP are old and wise and your husband is the young man you loved and miss.As the year draws near to its end many of us will think of our lost loved ones and feel as you feel ,but you have a faith that can see you through this and it will ,be kind to yourself x

Cherrytree59 Sun 10-Sep-17 21:08:41

Annie Anniversaries are always difficult.
My mum died young
whereas my father died age 84 in to 2015.
We buried our Dad with our dear Mum.

My sister and myself now feel that our parents are now reunited for eternity.

That is a great comfort to both of us.

flowers I'm sure your prayers Annie will point you in the right direction

Luckygirl Mon 11-Sep-17 07:17:18

Checking in to see how you are today Annie.

Imperfect27 Mon 11-Sep-17 07:32:06

Not sill or soppy at all Annie. Anniversaries evoke times of deep reflection in us and we are bound to have questions and a sense of unrest at times.

I hope you are feeling a better sense of peace today. flowers

polyester57 Mon 11-Sep-17 08:01:06

My husband maintains that funerals and burials are for those left behind, to help them come to terms with the departure of their loved ones in whatever way they see fit. The soul is immortal and the fancy funeral/headstone is just a gimmick. My father is buried far away in a place that we never visit, when my mother died, I knew that they wanted to be together but just wasn´t able to arrange that. Interred her ashes in a family grave in the town that I live in and agreed with the rest of the family that we would put dad´s name on the headstone as well. Makes us all feel closer to both of them. They are eternally together wherever their souls may be. They live on in their children, grandchildren and now even great-grandchildren.

morethan2 Mon 11-Sep-17 08:13:06

Good morning Anniebach hope it's a better day or at the very least it helps to know we are thinking about you.

Maggiemaybe Mon 11-Sep-17 08:38:08

flowers for you, Annie, and I hope you have a better day today.

kittylester Mon 11-Sep-17 09:09:10

Annie, I've only just seen this post and hope you feel better today.

My thinking is that you and your Dh were so deeply in love then that you would still be madly in love whatever had happened in the meantime and he will just be waiting to greet you and hold you for eternity.

You do what you think best - you will be together come what may.

Anniebach Mon 11-Sep-17 10:23:06

How kind you all are. I was silly yesterday sorry, things have not been good this year . House move exhausting. Then weeks of blood tests , arthritis set in, elder daughter is very,very difficult and worrying me greatly. Younger daughter had to finally accept she will not be a mother. My priest for the last forty two years has retired and shot off to God knows where and his wife , he was my father confessor and she a much loved friend. After fifty years of working for my local political party I resigned, the drop in centre I worked in and for had to close, and I have developed an eating disorder, furious with myself, it happened after the babies died and again after my husband died , why again? Down to size 8 and now muscles wasting.

I seem to have no fight left and yes admit I have spent my life racing around like a constipated duck .

Yesterday i came across a photograph of my husband, haven't looked at one in forty years , it was a shock, daft I know but it was. He hasn't aged , still thirty , looking at him was like the first time we met .

When I die I may or may not see him again, I will see the light of God and feel those ever open arms .

If I do meet my husband again he can apologise for disagreeing with me when he left our home for the last time smile , I have had to live with the guilt for forty years , it will be his turn !

Sorry for these two posts and thank you for your caring replies

Annie x

radicalnan Mon 11-Sep-17 10:34:47

Love is the one thing, it unites us all. Age on the other hand is just arbitary numbers.

I took my dad's ashes and had them put in mum's grave, he was 86, she had died at 56. On the hedstone it says ' A love reunited'. There is ony love.

Life seems very tough for you and I am sorry to hear that, it can be a stinker at times, but you have loved and been loved and there really isn't much else to it. All the rest is just circumstances to be dealt with.