My beloved child

Sorry annie I was on the wrong page and hadn't read your posts. I think you are wise to stay where you are for a while no rash decisions. Besides Wales is such a lovely place. Hope you sleep well tonight

For seven years I haven't locked my front door at night in case she needed to come in during the night. Tonight I can lock it but I don't want to , it feels as if I am locking her out, how stupid is this.

Oh Annie it's not stupid at all! I can absolutely understand how you can feel like that. Locking the door won't keep her spirit out. Hope you manage to sleep tonight. Night night.

I know, sorry, having a down time

Annie I so understand that. Leave the door unlocked, do whatever makes you feel more comfortable. But as squiffy so rightly says, a locked door will not keep her from you.

I too hope you can get some restful sleep tonight.

M0nica such lovely words, a beautiful post, which I hope will be of help to Annie.

I am leaving it unlocked Bathsheba , just couldn't lock it.

Well it's over, she is dead. I have always been active with charity work, stitching, grandchildren ,church and my children. All have gone , I live alone and lying on the sofa watching films depresses me .

Sorry, I must stop this self pity.

I thank you all for you kind words and for being here for me at the darkest of times.

Anniebach, I listened to Chris Bonington talking on the radio this morning about how walking in the hills and the mountains, and being in touch with nature, helped him deal with his grief at the death of loved ones. You are right to stay close to your beloved mountains. Is there anyone who could help take you there if you wished to go? I am sure many people would be only too pleased to be of some practical help, but only if/when you feel ready.

Oh annie such sadness and depression in your post.
They haven't all gone, your GC are not gone, your church has not gone , God is definitely with you and your charities still need you.
We can only help you in spirit but help you we shall, so we are not gone.
Your younger D, I am sure, will help you all she can.
Have you considered a few days away with her?.
All our most loving thoughts are with you as demonstrated by all these pages of posts.

A day at a time annie. It will be hard, its so very cruel and you are suffering a terrible loss but you are also a strong woman with a firm faith. It is probably sensible not to make big decisions too quickly but perhaps it may help if you consider a visit to your daughter if only for a week or so, if not now then in the near future.
Wishing you peace Annie and sending you love.

You are so right about the "living hell" Annie - to someone who has never suffered with depression that must seem incomprehensible, and sometimes it is not taken seriously enough. Your poor girl is at peace now; that nagging sense of deep dread engendered by the illness is no longer hers, and you may feel able to take comfort in that.

You were there for her throughout and she loved you for it, have no doubt of that. Dark times indeed for you, but she will always be there in your heart. Love does not die. x

Sending kind thoughts

Annie I hear your sorrow and feel so sad for you. I agree with Ann - you still have some of the things you say are gone: your younger daughter here in England, your charity work, your friends, all your friends on here, and we are certainly not “virtual”, we are very real, a bit like pen friends, lots of us, and I’m sure any one of us would come and see you if we lived closer, hold your hand, let you talk, cry, give you a hug. Most of all you have your faith, which is very important to you. Do go and stay, if you can, with your daughter in Lincoln, just for a while, share things together, and do keep coming on here. I’m so glad you feel able to share your grief with all of us. Just tell us exactly how you are feeling, Annie and we will reply to you. Sending you more real (not virtual!) love.

Bellanonna, I cannot keep whinging on here, it's selfish and so me-me. I need to get myself together. X

Dear Annie it’s not whingeing at all! It’s letting it all out, which you must do. We are all here to listen, and I’m sure if that helps, then we are only too glad to help. So keep on coming on! X

Good morning Annie, you are getting yourself together in defending your beliefs on the other thread. Coming here on a supportive thread is not whinging, that is far too trivial a word for what you have been through. Take care of yourself sending you some more organic with love x

You are certainly not whinging Annie. That this place is here for you to give voice to your grief is a boon, come back to it as often as you need.

Annie I hope you managed some rest and the dreaded reflux was kept a bay.
Your mind and body has taken a bashing.
It is now time to get some rest to recharge the batteries.
I truly believe God will know when you are restored and will provide a solution possibly even a little challenge.

Stand by

My daughters lived with me until they married, elder daughter since her marriage has lived within a fifteen minute walk from me .

I moved here in January, the parish church no longer has a priest, I cannot get to the other parish church or cathedral without crossing the bridge and I cannot do that,

I have worked for my local political party for over fifty years but can no longer do that.

My drop in centre closed because of cut backs.

I no longer have a car and miss doing the soup run.

My three sisters who live in the same town have cut off from me, my fault I suppose but I would do it again.

My three grandchildren are now fifty miles away.

The Nun who has organised our knitting for orphanages has been admitted to a home , so end of that,

I love cross stitching but arthritis has stopped that, I use to stitch for raffles etc.

I have always had two or three dogs in my home, one died in October , now I have one very lonely little terrier who is still grieving.

I have done craft work whilst watching tv or listening to the radio since my school days. Trying to do either with idle hands is proving just about impossible.

I have loss of muscles, can't spell the word sorry. Am very much under weight, have to put on a few stone but the wretched reflux makes increasing meals or introducing new foods cause loss of sleep.

I have been caring for my elder daughter for ten years, she is dead.

All this has left me stuck alone in my bungalow - getting on my own nerves as my mum would claim.

I dislike self pity, it is unhealthy and helps no one .

I miss my daughters, grandchildren, sisters, nieces and dogs.

I don't know how not to be a carer.

Annie is there any chance you could be reconciled with your sisters? you need family so much now.

No humpty sadly

Good list Annie and great achievements Now, how about starting one for the current positives in your life, beginning with still being a carer for your lonely little dog? Your grandchildren are only 50 miles away and still need your wisdom, guidance, patience and love, probably even more than ever at the moment. Let them know you are always available for them, no matter what. Look to your mountains and SING xx and (((hugs)))

PS I keep forgetting to ask after your sister who had the heart attack. You may not see your siblings but that doesn't stop you caring about them x

you need to find something to focus on,how about taking over from the nun who did the organising,it could be done via your computer maybe? Or knitting for prem babies,little hats etc.Set a target of how many you can do in a day or a week.Keeping your mind busy is key to coping..or it is for me.I hope you find some way to ease your pain,depression is a curse ,my daughter suffers badly from it due to her health problems and she finds keeping busy and not thinking about anything other than the task in hand really helps

I don't have depression . And no, the knitting cannot continue because the convent is to close .

Swanny, my sister was moved to the Heath yesterday, had two new stents put in, this attack was not as bad as the previous three , she may be home today. She was very distressed and shocked by my daughters death.

Swanny, my grandchildren know I am here for them, two granddaughters are at the moment madly in love , days when no lectures and two young men heading for Cardiff, so sweet ?. Doing all I can for Lottie, she has a dog walker, loads of cuddles, sleeps with me but Honey has left such a gap for both .lottie and me. Lottie didn't have to think for herself, when I bought her six years ago she was mothered by my two Westies, one died last year and one a month ago.