My son, Annie's daughter and all taken too young

Thanks Silver I wish there was a sliver lining in this somewhere.

Nonnie. The first Christmas after DS died we put the stockings on the mantelpiece as usual but didn’t fill them, in fact they were never filled again.
On Christmas morning we did as we’d always done, DD and DS opened their presents from Father Christmas, DH made tea and toast for us DD and DS chose something from their Selection Box but instead of eating at home we packed it up with a flask of tea and went down to the cemetery.
This is 30 years ago DD was 14 DS13. Looking back now I suppose it seems to others a strange thing to have done but it comforted us and that’s my point really whatever comforts you Nonnie is right, there is no right or wrong way of grieving, everyone is different.
Time does make a difference, that awful pain and heaviness that you’re feeling now will gradually become an ever present dull ache that somehow you’ll learn to accept. That really is the price we pay for love.
My greatest sadness all these years on is that I can no longer hear him, you know in my head talking, what he sounded like. I know what he looked like of course I do photographs abound. Being sensible he probably wouldn’t sound the same anyway, he was nearly17 when he died he would have been 47 this year.
I think a light somewhere deep within me was extinguished the day that lovely boy died and try as I might, despite all the subsequent joys of grandchildren etc. I have never quite managed to turn it back on again. Sent with love, Juliette.

What pain we mothers have to bear. Juliette

Thanks Juliette I have to find a way to copy the messages on my home phone so I can listen to him when I feel strong enough. They are just ordinary messages left when we were out but I dread the phone breaking so I can no longer hear his voice.

How much time Juliette? I had to go for a shingles vaccination this morning and the nurse asked how I was and out it all came. I don't seem to be able to stop it once I start.

We will have to keep filling stockings because we have very young gc so DS's will always be there.

DS3 says it is perfectly normal for me to feel as I do but I wonder how long before I can simply go out and do something normal. It is all so raw.

Don't wait for the time when you will feel as you use to, it cannot come again , just build a new life because we have to x

I'm fortunate that I haven't lost a child, except through miscarriage, but I have a photo of my brother taken just before he died aged 2. It is right next to a lamp in the lounge and makes me sad every time I turn the lamp off or on.

He looks just like DGD4 in the photo and I think that is what upsets me together with being the only person in his family who can remember him now.

I ought to move the photo but it seems wrong to move him just so I don't get upset. He died 63 years ago. Silly really, isn't it?

Hugs and love for those of you who have lost a much loved child.

Monica a first cousin of mine took her own life several years ago, six weeks later her mother died suddenly. Her doctor told my uncle that his wife had died of a broken heart. I’m not sure what was on the death certificate but our family was in no doubt that the GP was right.

There is so much sadness here. for all those who grieve.

My condolences to those whose losses are still recent, not forgetting those who continue in quiet grief after many years.

It may still be too raw for those of you who have very recently suffered a bereavement, but many churches and hospices hold a 'Tree of Light' service about this time of year; often on the first Sunday in Advent. These services are usually a safe space to remember loved ones in the company of others who are also processing loss and can be very helpful. Just a thought.

This thread is almost unbearable to read, so I can well imagine how unbearable these tragic bereavements are to you all.
As Annie says, life can never be normal ( i.e. as before) but will always be different.Coming to terms with something like this takes time, and the older we become, the less time there is.
I have been thinking very much about all the sadness on GN lately, and think you are all brave to share these experiences
It can’t be easy.I hope that in so sharing, you find even a crumb or two of comfort.
Our little worlds can be turned upside down so very easily.x

GA we have sponsored 2 lights for the tree of light, one for us and his brother and the other for his children and nephews. We plan to be there for the switch on and, as it will be dark no one will see the tears.

Someone tell me what the point of going on is? Everyone else has to get on with their lives, DSs have their jobs and families, DH has his football and I just sit around knitting stuff for the sake of doing something. What good am I to anyone? Just a burden. If we are allowed to see the GC again we will be walking on eggshells in case we say or do anyhing DiL can find to complain about. And what do we do with them for the half day we will have them for? They are too old for play centres and taking them to the cinema would mean we couldn't talk to them. It is all just too much to bear,

The point of going on is different for each person, other children , grandchildren, husband/partner and would the person grieved for want those grieving to die?

When you feel ready Nonnie, maybe you could volunteer for a cause close to your heart or to your son's.

Kitty "when I feel ready" when is that going to be? What is the point of thinking of the future when all I can see is hurt and more hurt waiting to hit me. Why do I have to have so much of this in my life when some people get nothing. I was told as a child that we are only given what we can cope with well I can't cope with it. I can't even cope with the thought of tomorrow let alone a future.

Sorry, I didn't mean to upset you but keeping busy is what helps me when I have troubles.

There is such a lot of sadness on Gransnet at the moment.

Kittty I don't think anyone on here could upset me any more than I already am. I just need someone to stop it all somehow and let me out.

Nonnie, first has to come acceptance which is the most difficult . There are things we cannot change and these have to be accepted.

I have to learn to accept I will never know why my daughter took her life, I can guess but will bever truly know , I have to accept this.

We don't know about other people's lives only what they tell us.

You do not know what the future holds for you, none of us do, you think it only holds hurt , it could hold many good things .

Have you a leisure centre in your area ? You can take the children there, sorry I don't know their ages. What about other grandchildren ? They need you too . Your sons need you, your husband needs you.

Hard as it is we have to move forward, life does not stand still. It cannot be as it was but again acceptance . X

Lovely post Annie. I hope you are doing well today.

Thank you kitty. I am taking things hour my hour, day by day , cannot change what happened , learning acceptance , difficult . Reading C S Lewis's book A Grief Observed , it helped forty two years ago x

Annie, xx

I will bore who ever reads but it may help Nonnie and others . We are angry when we think what our loved one will miss if dying too soon.

I knew a couple, so sweet, gentle , kind, no children , adored each other, she was completely dependent on him he treated her as if she was in danger from even a puff of wind

He drove over the mountains daily for his work as an account here, my father worked for the same firm, everyone was so fond of him. One morning driving across the mountain a lorry tipped it's load into his car , he was killed immediately. We were so upset and wondered how his wife would / cope. The PM revealed he had undiagnosed cancer , this was the sixties so less chance of a cure then, he would have suffered a lingering death and his wife Told me later she could not have coped with watching him suffer.

Hugs wot x

You do help Annie and you are never boring, so there!! Xx

It's great to see you posting Annie!

Wot x

Thank you Kitty, decided I don't post, sit on sofa , do nothing and get on my own nerves or start posting and getting on the nerves of others