Counselling

Apologies for rambling. I find it difficult to express my thoughts on this.

With all my heart I hope you all find the support you need on this journey.

On the strength of this thread, I have just phoned the local hospice, which offers services up until 6 months after bereavement. The letter was mostly about drop in groups, and coffee and chat mornings, but it did say that if you felt you needed one to one counselling they could help.
They're going to phone me back next week (hopefully!) to arrange for me to go and have an assessment.
Its in an out of the way place for me as a non driver, but I feel a bit more positive now.

Thank you everyone for your generous and knowledgeable replies, you have given me a lot to think about.

I was offered counselling before my husbands death but chose not to as at the time I felt I needed to focus all my energies on caring for him. I said I would request counselling in the future if I felt I needed it, never thinking I would. I feel that grief is a natural part of life , something we all encounter in one form or another during our lives and learn to live with the loss. Therefore I was surprised to find myself not coping, not just normal grief, if there is such a thing, but having intrusive thoughts and flashbacks and high levels of anxiety. Not wanting to take the medical route I thought counselling would help, and it has. Anxiety levels are less and I am coping. However my grief has thrown up previous traumas for which I had therapy many years ago.

I have spoken to my counsellor about ending the process and returning if these past traumas don't settle. She thinks I need to continue. I had a three week break over Christmas and have recently returned and had two more sessions. While everything appeared to settle over Christmas I am now finding myself in turmoil again, hence the question is this helping anymore? I have spoken to my counsellor again and have decided to take a months break to see how things go. It gives me the option to return if necessary.

My analogy of grief is that at the moment it feels like being in a little rowing boat, without oars, all at sea. Not knowing what todays weather will bring, ranging from heavy showers to light sunshine. It feels okay to stay here for a while but I know in the distance there is dry land and a life to live, but how do I get there without oars. Perhaps I just need to learn to swim.

Thank you for reading this it has helped just to write it down.

Warm((((((( hugs)))))) to anyone else in a similar situation.

Thank you, appy. It really is good to 'talk' isn't it? And if you've lost the person you'd usually talk to, its difficult to work things through in your head. I'm so glad you made this thread. please let us know how you fare.

appygran it does depend on the counsellor. I was referred to our local team and it took months to actually get an appointment then it was a CBT person who decided I needed counselling and then a counsellor who said I wasn't ready for counselling (and had a silly patronising voice). I gave up but then received a letter from them saying I had declined counselling and it made me cross so I complained. Eventually I had the standard 8 sessions with a very sensible, inciteful woman which have just ended. I don't know if it did me any good but I was able to ramble on and on and on and cry as much as I liked. I haven't wanted to do that to family and try to put on a brave face for them so it probably did me good.

I am thinking about joining a Compassionate Friends group soon to see if that helps me. Maybe you could contact Cruse as already suggested up thread? A different approach might give you a different perspective. I think there may be more widows around to talk to than there will be mothers who have lost an adult child.

One of the counsellors I saw I just didn't click with and it wasn't a 'good' experience for me. I hung in there thinking it would get better, but actually it got in the way of being able to work through my emotions.

The last two therapists I saw were just brilliant and it might sound strange, but I will always think fondly of them.

Going to a group can be a good experience too. Listening to others can help understand your own feelings.

appy having seen my daughter go through a similar issue (though a different problem) I'm reluctantly inclined to agree with mollie, that some counsellor's/therapists just want to keep you paying. My DD stopped and has become much more settled and happy since.

appygran I'm so sorry for your loss. I had some counselling organised by my work during the time my daughter was terminally ill but I was only allowed a few sessions and then their contract ended. Since my daughter passed I have seen my work chaplain. I am not religious at all but she was a friendly ear and very supportive but she also put me on to a group called Compassionate Friends. You can google it and you will be able to find a meet in your area I hope. They are just a friendly group of bereaved people that will listen. They don't necessarily offer advice but they are very supportive. It is not a religious group. Gransnet is brilliant, but sometimes its nice to talk to people in person. We try to help each other and we are all in the same boat so to speak.

By the way its free!

I think its for just bereaved parents though, deb?

Oh is it? I'll have to look into that I think you may be right.

Sorry appygran MisAdventure is right it is for bereaved parents only. What a shame.

I wonder how I will feel “ 8 months down the line” - I shall be asking you for advice no doubt.
At the moment, only 10 weeks “in” it is unimaginable.

Hopefully it will get better Maw. It is very soon on your journey as yet. Women tend to cope so much better than men. Give yourself time. Sending love and hugs.

The vast majority of counselling is free or donation based. These services are much in demand and you will not be able to continue if the counsellor does not consider it worthwhile. You only really pay a lot of money if you choose to see a counsellor privately and that can be around £50-£60 per session.

Please do not think the cost would prevent you from accessing counselling services.

Maw it's so soon for you and I can imagine every day can bring new feelings. It's easier said than done, but try to be kind to yourself.

One thing for anyone to remember about counselling or therapy as it's often called now, is nobody else needs to know if you decide to see a counsellor and you can be open with them because they do not know you, so you don't have to think about their thoughts, feelings and opinions in the way you might if you were talking to family and friends (especially if they are grieving too) .

There's no limit on the number of people you can turn to for support.

One of the ways I didn't help myself was to try and be there for everyone else. If you're usually the coper, the fixer of the family, the one everyone turns to for help, you can end up in a bad place because you put your own mental health before everyone else's. Often it's a natural role for you, but when you're affected by the change, you might not be able to provide that support to others if you don't get the balance right and take care of yourself first.

wilmaknickersfit Oh how right you are, not only are we exhausted after looking after our partners but then we end up making sure everyone else is okay too. In my case resuming my child minding role two weeks in. In fact it was my counsellor who suggested that it was too much too soon.

Love the Koala bears

MissA Thank you. I hope you get your counselling soon. Yes it is good to talk or even type.

I love them too.

I can share my experiences with you, but the trouble is that I only came to understand what happened to me with hindsight (and counselling).

When someone comes to you for support it's hard not to step right back into the role you've always had, not just because you want to support them, but because it keeps your mind occupied. As they say, hindsight is a wonderful thing.

Slightly off topic but in the same sort of area, how do you feel or have you let about how others treat you when you are bereaved? In the early days it was straightforward but for me as the weeks go on, I wonder to what extent I am expected to (just) get on with things . Not that I don’t want to because this is the rest of my life and I don’t want to act like Queen Victoria in deepest mourning but just because I am not sobbing all over the place, does not mean I am not sobbing inwardly. A trip to the supermarket before Christmas where I swear everybody was a couple and I was painfully aware of my single portions in my trolley, reduced me to tears in the car outside in the car park. Perhaps the Victorians did have the right idea -black for the first six months then grey or whatever as a sign to the outside world to tread gently.

Oh Maw, I could write a book about that one. We probably need a separate thread but I'll just start with the (close) friend who said she couldn't invite me to her dinner parties any more because I would unbalance the table.
But she generously added that we could still meet for lunch in cafes and garden centres.

More like “ex friend” for you

Hi Maw

Yes people did and do treat me differently. At first they were gentle and considerate but very quickly I felt as if I was expected to be over it and continue as before or they avoid talking about him and I so want to talk about him. He was the most important person in my life. We were together for almost 51 years and married for 49 so he figures in most of my memories. I am not sure if it is because they are afraid they will upset me or he just doesn't figure in their lives anymore or maybe they are afraid I will cry. To avoid this perceived silence around him I have taken to talking to his photograph, it does help a little. Like you because I am coping and not crying all the time people tend to think I am okay, but inside I'm not.

Soon after my husband died my daughter, who was very close to her dad said "I thought you and dad were invincible". She requires a lot of support at the moment and I know my husband would want me to be there for her but I am finding it so very difficult to be invincible alone.

Like eglantine I could list numerous tactless things people have said but I think it often boils down to the fact that they do not know what to say or do. I very quickly learned who I could rely on and who to avoid because they made me feel worse. Just one person has really surprised me, someone who I was not close to before but has turned out to be my closest support. As for our married friends I seem to have disappeared of the face of the earth.

It's strange, bereavement is not like I expected it to be, it is far worse, it is not something I could have ever anticipated. Apart from the emotional side, on a practical level I thought my life would continue on the same path we had both forged together but it is becoming clear that I have to start a new route on my own. I know I can do it but I just need a little more time. My counsellor explained this process as moving on and always feeling the sadness but gradually growing a new life around it so that eventually the sadness takes up a smaller space but always there.

Sorry I am rambling.

Take care of yourself

appygran, people would say take it one day at a time. What they did not know was that I was doing it by the minute. I would say to myself 'You lived through the last minute, so you can live through the next one."
I don't think I have ever worked as hard at anything as I worked at surviving those first two years.

I am many years down the line and I do have a new life and am happy, but I don't forget what it was like