Counselling

It’s heartening to see lots of sensitive comments, sensible advice and good examples here. I think that, in part, what adds to the distress of any bereavement is how little these things are talked about in everyday life.
I think one of the greatest benefits of counselling is having an emotional space that is just for you. A place to say the “unsayable” without having to worry about either upsetting the other person, being judged by them or them feeling they need to “fix” you. Friends and family, at their best, can offer huge support but sometimes they’re grieving too or as Eglantine’s example shows just don’t “get” it.
I think the early days of bereavement can be a bit like setting off on a journey but with no idea of where it leads, no map either. The truth is that the map would be different for every one of us, although obviously lots of common factors can apply. Finding support wherever we can, including gransnet, is what helps us all navigate difficult times and for many counselling is part of that support too.
Thinking of all with a sore heart this morning. x

I have found people reacted differently to my husbands death which was an accident and my daughters death which was suicide . For me he didn't choose to leave me, my daughter did , so I didn't feel I had failed my husband but I did fail my daughter .

I feel like a bit of fraud really because it is my Dad who died and it was in 1998. I haven't lost my partner or a child. But it was my Dad's death that turned out to be the straw that broke the camel's back and about 6 months after he died I basically had a breakdown. Since then I have battled with depression which is how I ended up seeing counsellors.

One thing I remember about my Dad dying is the unexpected kindness. I haven't received many letters in my life but I received letters from a couple of friends who had also lost a parent, friends I saw quite regularly. After the funeral two colleagues at work came up to me and said that I could come and talk to them any time. It was so comforting that they were kind enough to think of me because they had experienced the same particular loss.

The reason I think this is relevant is because although we all experience grief in a unique way, the relationship between you and the person you lost makes a difference.

Sometimes I say "I can only imagine how you feel.", but when someone loses a child or their life partner I genuinely can't imagine how that would feel because of the strength of the feeling of grief the person must feel.

grannyqueenie your description of a journey with no map does make sense.

Annie please don’t think you failed your much loved daughter. Her illness got in the way, put blinkers on her so to speak, even a mother’s love can’t always get through that barrier, it isn’t that you didn’t show her enough love. Maybe it was more that, at times, she was unable to see it clearly.

Wilma you’re not a fraud, as you say all sorts of things affect the way a loss impacts on any of us. Even 2 siblings in a family will be affected in different ways. The loss of my own dad completely floored me but for various reasons I felt I had to park it on one side to get on with life, supporting my mum, bringing up my children etc. That grief waited patiently and got my attention a few years later when I was older, wiser and a bit more attentive and self aware! If the sadness following a death is devastating for any one of us , that’s just how it is, irrespective of who it is that actually died.

grannyqueenie, I spoke of the two deaths because grief is not just a time of mourning and some counselling , it is different because all deaths are not of the same , it is a path we all have to take but there is more than just the loss of a loved one , it's our own baggage that comes with the loss

grannyqueeny

I was told you should not have counselling for at leasr 3 months and then told I was depressed by UTI and counselling is no use for that!
I did speak to a counsellor online who said she felt vert sad hearing my story so that made me feel it is ok to be sad.Now my friend's husband has got the same thing my husband had so it is making it come back to me.As w get older this will happen,alas.I do hope you find what you need or come to accept the feelings and struggle on

I heard yesterday about a bereavenent organisation called good grief. They helped a friend of my daughter.

I am sorry for everyone who has suffered loss

I think I may have written about this before, but I read Julia Samuel's book "Grief Works" when my nephew died a few years ago and I wanted to help my sister who was in so much sorrowful pain, he was only 43. I found her book really helpful, she has resources on her website. The title of the book is about "making work of grief" which is what she suggests - making grief work, if that makes sense.

She happens to be Prince George's godmother. She met Diana at a charity function and they just hit it off - she says that on her Desert Island Discs. She is the only NHS Bereavement Counsellor (I think). Here is her website, it includes a section on "What helps":

griefworks.co.uk/

Annie you didn't fail your daughter. No-one can prevent a mental illness any more than a physical illness. Be kinder to yourself.