Children going to funeral

I think you should take her, as she obviously wants to go to the funeral. Discuss the ceremony with her beforehand in general terms so that she is not surprised or scared by anything.

She's probably already seen fictional funerals on TV series, as most American series seem to revel in them.

We can all only do the best we can. To become cross at people who have shared their experience of bereavement, funerals and their belief that children can be included in a positive, rather than negative way, seems both angry and rejecting of s different viewpoint.
Someone who doesn’t see the point of funerals is entitled to hold and to express their belief. To express that in a manner that may hurt others who have given details of loving ceremonies to commemorate a loved one seems both angry and insensitive. Maws description of her husband’s funeral service reminded me how important the funerals of my loved ones have been.

And to say not taking children to a funeral is an erroneous decision is acceptable

Each and every circumstance is different. There is no right or wrong, and if there is, we risk later being told we made the wrong decision. We can only do what we judge to be right.

I believe if a young person asks to go they should be able to providing the process is explained & that they know they can change their mind or wait outside if they so wish.

? condolences colournanny.
I'd like to share my experience with you. My dd was 4 when my father died. They loved each other dearly. I had a conversation with his wife about my daughter attending the funeral & she was happy for her to come.
My grandfather however fell out with me. In such a big way that he didn't attend my dad's funeral & wouldn't allow my nan to either. He never spoke to me again. Such a horrible situation. I did what I felt was right.
If this isn't going to cause a rift between you and your mum then take your daughter.

Years ago in the early 1980s the mother of girl at my childrens primary school died very suddenly.
The poor girl was sent away to relatives straight away and was not allowed to go to the funeral. I still feel for that poor child. That really was a lesson in how not to do a funeral.
The very experienced head teacher had tried to change the relatives minds but it did not work.

Yes there is no right or wrong in this and a
Mother knows her children

So now there is right and wrong way to 'do a funeral ' , I await to read advice on the right and wrong time to work through grief , are flowers at a funeral acceptable or unacceptable, should black be worn or not worn,

Annibach,It does seem these days that more or less anything can be catered for at a funeral, I myself still prefer to wear dark clothes & think it is a release to be somber & emotional,where as a dear friend prefers bright clothes & a happy atmosphere.In my head being cheerful seems a bit like a denial(. I know it’s not, before anyone says) but for me cheerful memories come to me later after the sorrow.

If the child wants to go then yes, she should otherwise she’ll feel left out and excluded. Just be prepared maybe for someone who knows her well to keep an eye out and be on hand to take her out or to one side if things become too much for her.

My DGDs, aged 4, 6 and 8 at the time all came to my DMs funeral. It was a lovely moving service, she’d died at the right time and was ready. They all came to the graveside too (their choice) which we feared might be too upsetting (or boring for the 4 year old) but the problem turned out to be their whispered ghoulish questions directly afterwards - such as what would happen now to nana’s body now! We had a friend of the family ready to remove all or any of them if need be but they were all very practical and proud to have been included.

Lovely story, varian!

When my elder brother was very young he brought a dead bird or mouse into the house to show mum. She introduced him to the idea of burying the dead by digging a small grave in the garden and burying the animal.

Quite some time later, when she had forgotten about the little burial, bro asked her: "Is Teddy alive?" She answered carefully, "Not exactly". This seemed to be a satisfactory answer and she thought no more about that until bedtime when teddy was nowhere to be found.
Turned out bro, logically, had decided teddy was dead since he wasn't exactly alive, and had buried him. Teddy was disinterred and sponge washed.

What has made me cross is that I was talking about my I two little boys losing their father, and knowing they would have been deeply upset by going to the funeral, and then being told by people who have not had that experience that this was the wrong decision. It was not wrong. It was definitely right in this case. A grandparent dying is quite different, I think. Even if you love them - and I did - it is natural for a grandparent to die, and a child knows this.

My grandmother died when I was eight, and I and my 12-year-old brother were sent to stay with our cousins, who didn’t go to the funeral either. I never gave it a thought. We had a nice time and my brother's only complaint was that he was only given one Weetabix at breakfast time. Like my children, we just accepted that funerals were something grown-ups did, not us.

I didn’t go to the funerals of any of my four grandparents, and I have never given it a thought until I started reading these threads.

All cases are different, all families and circumstances are different. I'm not cross because my grandsons went to my daughters' funeral. It was our decision to make, nobody else's. Don't be cross..

Anniebach I'm not sure I understand your comment about or wrong way to do a funeral? To me whatever suits a family is fine really. Your experiences were dreadful; I have experience of police in the family and know the fear, but never had the fear realised.

I think it should be the child’s decision with parental guidance, with allowance for last minute changes of heart. Some children, and some adults too, can’t face the funeral whilst some want to be there. Our lot wanted to be included. Their decision, no problem. Had they not had each other the situation may have been different. Had there been really emotional eulogies it may have been different. It depends so much on the child and the situation.

Madgran, i was responding to posts which declared the right/wrong way to conduct funerals . Comparing children attending a grandparents funeral or a cousins funeral with children attending a parents funeral when the death is totally unexpected , no time to ease children into the loss, my little ones went to bed said good night daddy see you tomorrow, next morning I had to tell them they would never see him again. Because their father was in the force we didn't tell little ones Daddy may or may not come home every time he left for work. He and I knew it, tell little one's so they live with this fear every day ? No way

I think she should go but that you should be prepared to take her away at some point during the wake depending on how that goes.

It is not the same but I was 14 when my brother died abroad and in those days they didn't fly the body home. I don't think I ever really accepted that he was dead until many years after when I went to his grave and bawled my eyes out as if he had just died.

Thankyou "Anniebach" now I understand your comment about funerals.

I would imagine Annie that coping with holding yourself together would have been enough without coping with the distress of your DC as well. A terrible time for all of you and your DDs must still have been in shock at the suddenness of it all without having to face the funeral too. I certainly would have discouraged them from coming.

This child is 11 and wants to attend but I wonder, Colournanny says her DM doesn't now want her DD to come to the funeral, could it be that her DM can't cope with the thought of her young DGD being there and seeing her vulnerable and upset?

Definitely let her go. I have worked with bereaved children for many years. Many who weren't allowed to go were angry and upset because they didn't go. No child I've spoken to who did go regretted going. Children are part of a family, you wouldn't tell an adult they couldn't go would you. Children grieve just as badly as adults

Thank you Nfk, they were too small, 5 and 2 weeks gone 7, i have never regretted not taking them. They were not going to be paraded for the town and the press , I don't care what experts ! say, I knew those little girls and I knew they needed longer than four days for it even to register with them.

It's a decision for each parent to make, they know their child.

I agree that they were too young Anniebach and going to the funeral would not have been a useful part of the grieving process for them.
Who can forget the sight of the Kennedy children at their father's funeral and that tiny boy saluting? It was heartbreaking for us but I doubt that he knew what was happening.

However, I do think that a child of 11 has reached an understanding of what funerals are all about and should be allowed to go if she wishes to.

I remember being very angry at 14 that my father didn't allow me to go to my grandmothers funeral when my cousin who was 12 had been allowed to go because it was my aunts opinion that she could. When my 4 year old son died both his sisters at 8 and 15 months went to the funeral. Obviously the baby didn't understand what was going on and wave and smiled at people she recognised. My 8 year old fully understood that her brother had died from his illness ( leukaemia) because his treatment hadn't worked. She was part of that treatment as she donated bone marrow for him. She wanted to say goodbye to him he was too ill for her to see him at the hospital. Our whole family grieved for him and the girls were an important part of that family

After all it is her grandad, she must know that one day her grandparents will die, she's 11 and at that age these days they know that.
I show my GDs my jewellery and talk about what they would like when I'm gone. They try my rings on.
Its different when a young person dies or is killed, the funeral can be overwhelmingly sad but I would always let a young person attend who said they wanted to.