Children going to funeral

I was 11 when my Nanny died, and not allowed to attend her funeral. I was very sad and upset at being kept away and have never forgotten it

Listen to your mum's viewpoint , tell her you understand her but that you feel it is very import an that your daughter be allows to grieve properly, that the funeral and "saying goodbye" is part of that process, that she cannot be shielded from the realities of life and death, that she wants to go and must be allows to make the choice, that you have decided she can go and that you can all support each other ...fhen if your mum keeps worrying about it just say I've heard you mum, I understand. * is coming. So sorry , this is hard.

When my dad died I let my kids (12 & 10) decide for themselves whether to go with me to his funeral. They both decided they didn't want to. It would have been fine if they'd decided to come.

Some of these replies make me a bit cross. Children like mine whose father died young are not ‘shielded from the realities of death’ if they don’t go to their father's funeral. It is all too real to them. A funeral is just an extra trauma, unnecessary in my view and in theirs.

My grandfather died when I was aboutt 14 or 15. He had lived with us for some years and died in our house. We were very close. I had no desire to go to his funeral, and was relieved when it was decided I was needed to babysit my little cousin during the funeral instead. I didn't need any ‘closure’. I knew he was dead. To be honest, I think the idea of ‘ closure’ is claptrap. Nothing is closed just because there has been a ceremony.

My father left his body to medical research, so there was no funeral. We had a family lunch, and it was so much better than the meaningless ritual we had for my mother, who had also left her body for research but it wasn’t needed at the time. My 12-year-old nephew had to come to that, because there was nobody to leave him with. He hated every minute.

That said, if an 11-year-old wants to go I think she should be allowed to, though i wouldn’t be happy about it.

I think that an eleven year old should go to the funeral, if she had expressed a wish not to attend I would respect that too, your mother will understand that she wants to say goodbye to grandad and be there for her mom and grandmother. Sorry for your loss, still miss my lovely dad, now I remember all the good times.

I don’t see why anybody should “get cross” at the opinions expressed here.
If the girl wants to be there, surely at 11 she can be allowed to make up her own mind?
I will accept that parents are the best judge of tinies, bearing in mind they will be doing their own grieving, but I just know that I felt strengthened by the support of the whole family who had known and loved their father and grandfather and I don’t believe for a moment they have been emotionally scarred by what was in fact a beautiful service which celebrated Paw’s life.

Hopefully funerals are a celebration of a life. Children need to come to terms with death and in my opinion should be allowed to funerals especially if they wish to attend. It makes death more scary to kids if they are excluded. It also acknowledges that the children are an important part of the family and a funeral is the chance for everyone to say goodbye

I think if she wants to go then she should be allowed to. My DGS aged 8 walked holding my hand into church for my husband’s funeral last year. It was a great comfort to me. He was very close to his Grandad and it seemed entirely appropriate for him to be there.

When my Mum died at the age of 96 all of her grandchildren went to the funeral and six of her great grandchildren, aged between three and ten.

They all knew and loved their Great-granny and I think it was important for them to be there. After they had listened to the eulogy which told her story, there was a time for reflection,listening to a special piece of music accompanied by a slide show of photos of her throughout her life, in chronological order, showing many happy times.

A month or so later two of the great grandchildren saw a little bird die in their garden and decided to hold a funeral. They got a carboard box to use as a coffin, decorated it with flowers, made order of service cards and set out a row of chairs in the garden. Their friends who had come to play joined them. They played some music and one of them conducted the ceremony, talking about the little bird, what a nice life it had, then buried it with great reverence. One of the other children was only five and her Mum said what a lovely, gentle introduction to the concept of death it had been for her.

My DD attended my mother’s funeral when she was just 7 and it was a good decision. More recently my 9 year old GS asked and was allowed to attend his other grandmother’s funeral. Again it seems that was the right thing to do.

I think the whole idea of funerals makes me cross, MawBroon! I really don’t know what they are for. Now I know there is no need to have one, I have told my children to go out for a meal, if they want to, instead.

I haven’t got round to donating my body for research, but I really must. At least that way you do some good and the body is some use. All the rest of my family, and many of my friends, have done it. I think I’ve just been lazy about it.

varian I have something in my eye - how beautiful

My daughters were 5 and 7 when their father died, I can understand Grandma70 saying some replies made her cross, my daughters didn't go to their fathers funeral, I could not have coped with comforting them when I was in bits myself and I certaintly would not have found their presence comforting for me , I needed my father . To say this decision was erroneous is unfair . Those who take little ones to a parents funeral are doing what they choose, those who do not are doing what they choose , I took my daughters to the grave sometime after the funeral, just the three of us .

It is good to have Anniebach’s perspective on a similar situation to mine. I think there is probably a big difference for young children between a parent’s funeral and a grandparent’s. Not many people have experience if the former, but most people do of the latter. I know it was right for my children not to go to their father’s funeral. It would undoubtedly have added to their unhappiness, and to everyone else’s.

In the end we all have to do what we feel is right and I would say that by 11 years, allow children to have some choice! I'm not sure why people feel cross ...whatever ones decision is hopefully right for that person! A different decision for someone else isn't wrong, just different and hopefully right for them. As an 11 year old the decision to stop me going to my Nannys funeral, was wrong, though well meant. For someone else it would have been the right decision. Bereavement is so hard, and we all do the best we can, I suppose.

I think the "cross" feeling relates to the idea that somehow the funeral makes the death real, when for many here, who lost the partners when their children were young, nothing was needed to make it real for the children - they were living that reality hour by hour.

Thankfully I have never been in that situation, but I do see where they are coming from.

In the instance with the OP, I do think that if this lass has asked to go then she should be allowed to and should have some small role in the proceedings. But I do think that her parents should be the ones to make the decision.

My grandchildren went to their mums funeral.
They lived with her, she was their mum, and the three of them managed the most difficult circumstances together up until the end.
They were given the option, and wanted to go, of course.
The funeral was the least cruel part, I think.

Well we clearly have very different ideas grandma70s!
Paw’s Requiem Mass contained beautiful music, two moving tributes which also raised more than a few smiles and happy memories from dear friends, readings from our three lovely DDs which for them summed up much of what their father meant to them, our 3 SILs acted as pallbearers and the children held their mummy’s and my hands as we went into the church.
It was very lovely, honouring him as a family man who also had a deep faith which I hope will have sustained him in his years of illness -oh and it brought together friends and family from all over the country and going back to his best friend at school over 50 years ago.
We said a moving goodbye but also affirmed the value of a good life, sadly cut short, but which had displayed great courage.
Bottom line - it was right for US, that is what matters.

Exactly so Luckygirl, there was no time to prepare my daughters for their fathers death , Friday night they had a father who went on duty, Saturday morning I had to tell them he was dead , we had always buried pets together, they knew that morning he is dead meant you will never see him again, there is such a difference between children slowly lesrning to accept a parent will die and children not even having one minute to come to an understanding of the death of a parent. No way would I have subjected a 5 and 7 year old to the grief expressed at their fathers funeral . Funerals now can take place weeks after the death , when my husband died we had four days .

There is no right or wrong, there should be no judgement of how anyone copes with or reacts to grief.

My daughters had to cope with no darling Daddy, moving from the police house , their little safe world was shattered .

Horrible experience Anniebach I went to the funeral of my friend's teenage daughter who was killed by a car and it was an ordeal for the adults. I wouldn't have wanted a child there. My two grandsons were 2 and 8 when they went to their greatgranny's (long expected) funeral and they were fine.

My two GDs of 6 and 4 visited their beloved Grandpa in the funeral home and placed their drawings and sweets for him to share with the angels in his coffin. They attended the funeral service and we tried to make the whole day as inclusive as possible as he doted on them.
Both understood (to their own level) what was happening, the younger one was very matter of fact, the older one a bit more emotional. They watched cartoons like the 'Lion King' and 'Muana' which deal with death in a very sensitive way.
I suppose it's up to the individuals but as others have said death is part of the cycle of life.

There is a huge difference between the death of a young person, especially a sudden death, and the death of an old person who has lived a good long life. It may be right for children to attend a funeral of a grandparent or great grandparent, but very difficult to attend the funeral of a parent or sibling. So much depends on the circumstances.

That’s a very good point varian

Yes, she should have to opportunity to go. Prepare her by telling in minute detail how a funeral is, how long it takes, who will speak etc. so she'll feel secure on the day itself. And make sure she is with caring people the whole time.

Luckygirl has got it right. Anniebach, I and my children had no time to get used to the idea either. Although my husband had been ill for a short time with cancer, no one expected him to die so soon. He was 40, for goodness sake. At that time I had no real idea that people died at forty, other than in accidents. Nobody warned me. Nobody used the word ‘cancer’. It was talked about much less then, over thirty-five years ago.

Loved your story about the bird, varian! Just shows how much children need and want to make sense of life and death and the rituals that mark important moments.

When my mother died, my children were 5 and 7. It was school term time and we lived hundreds of miles away, so they didn't come to the funeral. Later, the older daughter said she wished she had been there. She said she had found it hard to believe that it wasn't all a joke or a silly mistake, and that Granny was really gone for good; she felt that attending the funeral would have been helpful in coming to terms with the loss.

If there is any point in having funerals, memorial services, wakes etc (and all cultures and societies, everywhere, seem to feel the need for some marking of the occasion) then there is a point for children as well as for adults.