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Do you understand ?

(60 Posts)
Anniebach Mon 24-Sep-18 10:33:55

Last Saturday was my son in law’s birthday. My three grandchildren travelled here to celebrate with him which was lovely, one drove from Cornwall.

They all went out for dinner, three grandchildren , two partners, son in law who isn’t , wife and children, my entire family .

My son in law has been dating a woman for a while, I fully encouraged this. He was faithful to my daughter the seven years they lived apart and he was devasted when she died. Son in law who isn’t had to force him to leave the mortuary, he wanted to stay with her.

The woman joined them for the dinner. I fully support this, but I found it heartbreaking. Whilst they were at dinner my youngest grandchild sent me 2 texts, when my daughter was young and went out for an evening, she would often phone, ‘ hi Mum, I just saw x x , hi Mum xx and xx have broken up,
This amused us because she was coming home later that evening, nothing that was at all important.

Last Saturday night I had such mixed feelings, Happy they were all enjoying themselves yet such a longing, she should have been there, and the text from my granddaughter was a reminder of such happy times .

I am thankful they are getting on with their lives , but my life ? She was the centre of it and she is dead .

Anniebach Sat 29-Sep-18 10:25:04

downtoearth, both your daughters , Such pain. I have a younger daughter, she moved away some years ago, I have only seen her once this year, but she is living her life and is well and happy. Yes we are on the outside looking in.

Maddy, you are suffering too , grief doesn’t only come with a death.

My thoughts have been drifting back to my two baby girls who died at birth . We wanted four children, we had four children, now I have one, we have to take what life throws at us. The grief I have for the loss of my darling daughter is the price I pay for the wonderful years we had together.

midgey Sat 29-Sep-18 10:38:44

Thinking about you Annieflowers

Anniebach Sat 29-Sep-18 11:23:19

Thank you midgey x

Does anyone who has Lost their child find they want to talk about that child but cannot because there is no one who wants to hear ?

downtoearth Sat 29-Sep-18 11:40:31

Yes Annie... they have all moved on,I also think that suicide is still a difficult subject,people feel uncomfortable around.xx

Anniebach Sat 29-Sep-18 11:57:31

So true downtoearth, one of the reasons I stopped going out, couldn’t cope with the condolences! ‘ i am sorry, what possessed her to do it” she couldn’t have had anyone to turn to’ even ‘ didn’t she think of her children” .

MissAdventure Sat 29-Sep-18 13:32:32

Somebody said to me "well, this will take you a while to get over".
It was said in good faith, so I tried to be gracious about it.
I also feel that when I see people I know and they ask how I am, they're taken aback that i'll often just grimace and say "still miserable, really".
I can almost sense an imperceptible sigh from them.

Anniebach Sat 29-Sep-18 13:39:02

It is only 10 months since my daughter died, yet I experience the same MissAdventure

paddyann Sat 29-Sep-18 13:57:04

when my best friend from school died age 45 her OH quickly moved on.He moved a girlfriend into their home in just 6 weeks .I was devaststed for her poor parents.It was as if she was worth nothing as he was "entitled" to move on .
I have to admit that I wasn't pleasant to him about the new woman,who was really a girl over 20 years younger than him and my friends mother couldn't even look at him.Its really hard now when in general people expect the bereaved to make a new life instantly,maybe to save them dealing with grief .I do think jumping in too fast to a new relationship is often a mistake .I couldn't understand how he could replace my lovely bright funny friend so fast .

Starlady Sat 29-Sep-18 16:08:32

Oh, Annie, of course I understand. Who wouldn't? Imo, losing a child is one of the worst losses there are, maybe the worst, period. And grief can come and go in waves, I think, and be triggered by many different things. it's perfectly normal that SIL and kids going to dinner with a new woman makes you think of dd and brings a fresh wave a grief. So deeply sorry! Sending lots of hugs though I doubt those will ever be enough!