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Do you understand ?

(60 Posts)
Anniebach Mon 24-Sep-18 10:33:55

Last Saturday was my son in law’s birthday. My three grandchildren travelled here to celebrate with him which was lovely, one drove from Cornwall.

They all went out for dinner, three grandchildren , two partners, son in law who isn’t , wife and children, my entire family .

My son in law has been dating a woman for a while, I fully encouraged this. He was faithful to my daughter the seven years they lived apart and he was devasted when she died. Son in law who isn’t had to force him to leave the mortuary, he wanted to stay with her.

The woman joined them for the dinner. I fully support this, but I found it heartbreaking. Whilst they were at dinner my youngest grandchild sent me 2 texts, when my daughter was young and went out for an evening, she would often phone, ‘ hi Mum, I just saw x x , hi Mum xx and xx have broken up,
This amused us because she was coming home later that evening, nothing that was at all important.

Last Saturday night I had such mixed feelings, Happy they were all enjoying themselves yet such a longing, she should have been there, and the text from my granddaughter was a reminder of such happy times .

I am thankful they are getting on with their lives , but my life ? She was the centre of it and she is dead .

Anniebach Tue 25-Sep-18 09:23:03

True Old Meg,

Tamayra Tue 25-Sep-18 11:17:40


Horatia Tue 25-Sep-18 11:34:40

It's only natural you will never forget your daughter. You sound a very kind person.

trendygran Tue 25-Sep-18 11:43:06

Hello Anniebach. I totally understand your feelings as I lost my younger daughter to suicide eight and a half years ago-aged just 33 and the mother of two girls ,then aged 4 and 2. Just over a year ago my ‘Son in Law who isn’t’ - but will always be thought of as that- married a most lovely lady who has a great relationship with my granddaughters ,now aged 13 and almost 11. It is that which keeps me going, knowing they have a very loving step mum and that my ex Son in Law has found happiness again after the trauma he went through. I miss my daughter every single day and always will. I rarely see her daughters as they live 300 miles away, but it’s wonderful when I do.
Try to be glad that your son in law who isn’t has found happiness again after obviously being devastated at losing his wife. You will always wish you still had your daughter,as I do, but life does have to go on,hard though that maybe for us..

Minerva Tue 25-Sep-18 11:55:58

I am so sorry. Grief never completely leaves us and the reminders are there even when we least expect them. The worst thing has happened to you, and not that long ago, and there is nothing horrible about how you feel.

GabriellaG Tue 25-Sep-18 12:08:23

I thought you had two daughters AnnieBach

MargaretinNorthant Tue 25-Sep-18 12:10:54

Annie.....I felt this when my first husband died aged 52. The counsellor I saw then said you are grieving for what "He" is missing and going to miss. In my case three of four children getting married and births of all nine grandchildren, plus all the silly little things in life, that they will never see/hear/laugh over. I actually felt angry that he had been robbed of his future if you like. There are no words to comfort. You don't get over it, you learn to live with it.

Anniebach Tue 25-Sep-18 12:15:12

trendygran, I am so very sorry. Your grandchildren were so young. My daughter brought her children up to the ages of 17, 12, 10. Then the illness became too strong, she chose to leave the family home because she loved her children and husband, she lived alone for seven years, my son in law and I co parented with my daughter being kept informed on everything. Her illness became so bad she thought the children, now in their teens were of junior school age. Her husband never lost hope she would recover.

I fully support my son in law having this relationship. The children have made choices and moved away, this I fully supported. My husband died 43 years ago, I do not want my son in law to live a lonely life. I feel so lost , accept I always will in what ever time I have left. My younger daughter is a darling but lives so far away , I have only seen her once since her sister died. Suppose I find an empty life difficult to come to terms with but know I have to. Thank you x

Anniebach Tue 25-Sep-18 12:18:09

Margaret, yes that is it, i am angry at all my daughter is missing,

grandmaz Tue 25-Sep-18 12:57:50

Oh Annie, I haven't experienced losing a child and I can't even begin to imagine how I would cope. You are being a normal, human, loving mother, mother in law and grandmother. You are dealing with the most painful loss that life can throw at a parent, with love and dignity and kindness. Don't beat yourself up for your private have a human heart and feelings... you can't help those unbidden thoughts...surely any parent would feel just the same? It doesn't detract one bit from the love you feel for your family, nor from the genuine welcome you've extended to your son in law's new partner, despite your grief. You sound like a very special lady to me and I hope that all your family know how lucky they are to have such a sweetheart in their midst. Your daughter would be so very proud of you. (((hugs))) flowers

MagicWriter2016 Tue 25-Sep-18 13:32:12

Anniebach, I would imagine losing one of your children, at whatever age they were, must be heart wrenching and having to see the rest of her family moving on must be very hard. But just tell yourself that she must have done an amazing job bringing her children up, that they are able to do that.

I am not sure though, that as a parent, you can ever ‘get over’ your child’s death, you just have to try and find ways to live with it. Maybe joining a group for bereaved parents might help you, as they will all understand exactly how you feel.

Take care xx

Doodle Tue 25-Sep-18 14:32:37

anniebach I don't think you have a horrible bone in your body. Anyone who knows what you have been through and reads your posts can only see the love which you have for all your family. You also reach out and support others. I think you are a kindhearted caring person and that won't change. Be gentle with yourself ?

willa45 Tue 25-Sep-18 17:42:47

Years ago, my oldest D was diagnosed with Ovarian Cancer. Our first grandchildren (twins) were about to celebrate their first birthday when she was diagnosed. The thought of losing her and the thought of my baby grandchildren being left motherless, seemed more than I could bear. Our ordeal would last for yet another year until by some miracle, she came out on the other side a wounded, worn and battle scarred survivor.

I am so sorry for your loss Annie. Although the grief I came to know was lesser than yours by comparison, I am forever changed by that experience. I also wanted you to know from one mother to another, that I came very close to feeling the depth of your grief first hand....and yes, time does deaden the pain and helps us heal without letting us forget.

Hugs, Willa

Cobweb01 Tue 25-Sep-18 17:43:12

There is absolutely nothing unkind about how you feel and my heart goes out to you. You sound like a good person and your grief is for your loss and your daughter and her children's loss - she is missing all these moments with her children and they with her. Totally understandable. I simply cannot imagine the pain of losing a child and I am sending you a big cwtch.

willa45 Tue 25-Sep-18 17:47:10

I meant to say ...'but time really doesn't let us forget'.

ChaosIncorporated Tue 25-Sep-18 18:50:56

Anger is okay anniebach
Its another stage of grief.
Scream. Rant. Be mad at God...the Universe...fate...all of it.
Just don't hold it in.

Life can be so damned unfair.

trendygran Tue 25-Sep-18 19:08:29

Anniebach. Thanks for your reply to my message . I lost my Husband 10 years ago next week-just 16months before I lost my daughter. Like you I still feel very alone,even though I have several good (lady) friends and belong to two U3A groups . They are a good way to make new friends and join in any of the various activities .
My now only daughter lives near but I still don’t see them very often often because their nursing shifts, school and grandchildren’s activities at weekends make them so busy.
I hope you will somehow manage to have positive feelings
but I know how difficult that is.

icanhandthemback Tue 25-Sep-18 19:17:23

Annie, I feel for you and it is very difficult to see another in your daughter's place so to speak. The anger will go, it is completely normal and doesn't make you a bad person. At my brother's wake my ex SIL came over to tell me that she was getting remarried and shortly after announced her pregnancy. Even though I know she left my DB for the sake of her own sanity and is a lovely person, I could have battered her. It wasn't her fault I felt like that and I hope I hid it well.
I hope in time you can see this lady as a gift to your DGC which will never replace their loss but will ease it if she becomes a permanent part of their lives. She will never replace your daughter for them as she is always in their hearts but if there is an afterlife, I am sure that now your daughter is at peace, she will be glad they have another human being to support them. Good mothers are like that. xx

Barmeyoldbat Tue 25-Sep-18 19:52:59

We are all here for you Annie, xx

Anniebach Tue 25-Sep-18 20:48:20

Thank you all so much, such kindness , I assure you all I realy do not have anyone to discuss things with. You help me so much x

lemongrove Tue 25-Sep-18 20:52:51

Just seen this thread Annie none of us knows how we would be able ( or not able) to handle what life throws at us.
Not until it happens, and anger is a stage of grief, so let it

Menopaws Tue 25-Sep-18 21:01:41


Alypoole Tue 25-Sep-18 22:52:28

* Annie* I am relatively new on here but your name is one I instantly connected with but I don’t know your whole story. Nevertheless I really don’t think you should feel AT ALL guilty or bad about what you are feeling. I can only imagine how it must feel to be in your situation and you sound like a kind, thoughtful person. Don’t beat yourself up. My heart goes out to you. Take care x

maddyone Sat 29-Sep-18 01:03:22

Annie, I've only just seen this thread, but I want to say to you that you don't have a single bad bone in your body, nor a single unkind thought in your head. You are so kind to the other grans on here, and you have been so supportive to me when I have spoken about my trouble.
How you are feeling is absolutely normal, you have lost your beloved daughter, and now you see your SiL moving on with his life, as you know he must. You are not being unkind, you want him to make a new start, but of course you feel the grief as you see this happen. I am lucky, all my children and grandchildren are here, I have not suffered the devastating loss that you, and some other grans have experienced. Please do not be so hard on yourself, you are grieving Annie. God bless.

downtoearth Sat 29-Sep-18 09:54:11

Totally understand Annie ,I lost my first daughter she would have celebrated her 40th birthday earlier this month,my second daughter to suicide 15 years ago aged 23 still that void missing my girls is huge,especially at special times,and recently on the birth of my new GD,it brings home the bond of mothers and daughters as I watch how close my sons partner is to her mum,and my friends are to their daughters,we arent horrible people Annie,we are mothers grieving for our children,on the outside looking in.flowersflowersbig hugs to you