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Funeral up coming holiday

(112 Posts)
overthehill Fri 12-Oct-18 11:20:24

My sister in law is very sick and her family have been told she will only have 3 months to live at the outside. Her DH (my DHs brother) and 2 children think she won't last that long as she is going down hill fast.

This is our dilemma. DH and I have booked a little holiday on the first week in November and we already had to cancel a holiday back in February as he wasn't well. Should she die sooner and the funeral were to be in that week should we cancel our hoilday?

Situpstraight1 Fri 12-Oct-18 11:49:59

Well, I would.

Situpstraight1 Fri 12-Oct-18 11:51:06

Turn the question around, if your DH died would you expect his sister and family to be there?

PamelaJ1 Fri 12-Oct-18 11:56:53

I returned from Australia for my fathers funeral after he died quite unexpectedly a few days into our holiday.
I would have returned anyway to support my mum, although I have sisters they had to return to work after the funeral.
It is possible to organise the date of the funeral, in fact unlike ours, it probably won’t be for a few weeks after the death.
Would this be possible?

glammanana Fri 12-Oct-18 11:58:10

I would cancel any arrangements for the foreseeable future.

Eglantine21 Fri 12-Oct-18 12:01:36

I’d cancel for sure if my sister’s husband had died. In fact I did.

No way would I have gone away and left her to cope with his death and the funeral.

And the days after.

In your position I’d wait until after the funeral and then take him away for a break as well.

But that’s just an opinion.

silverlining48 Fri 12-Oct-18 12:48:27

I understand your feelings especially if you have had to cancel your last break. You could always go on holiday and be prepared to fly back if necessary but would it spoil your break? If not I think that’s what I might do but this all depends on your relationship if it’s close or not.
Tough call.

harrigran Fri 12-Oct-18 13:27:14

DH's niece died when we were on holiday, we rang and spoke to BIL and he said we should stay on holiday. We were in the south of France in our own car and would have had to drive back.
If there is other family for support, it may not be as important for you to be there.

BlueBelle Fri 12-Oct-18 13:50:30

It all depends how close you as it’s your husbands family member it up to what he feels you should do Best thing for him to talk to his brother and explain he’s worried and don’t know what to do and be guided by him
You could cancel and she lasts another three months See what her husband wants you to do and follow that it’s only a weeks holiday after all and you don’t say if it’s overseas or within driving distance to return if necessary

M0nica Fri 12-Oct-18 16:12:48

If you are that close surely your (DH's) brother will arrange the funeral for a date when you are available.

When fixing a date for a funeral, as well as practical matters, like space availability at the crematorium, which normally puts a funeral back anyway, most families take into account those in their close family who would want to be present and their availability. Well, we did.

paddyann Fri 12-Oct-18 16:24:47

My opinion is that funerals are for the living so if you are close to your BIL then you have to be there to support him.Simple .

cornergran Fri 12-Oct-18 16:34:12

No easy answer to this one, its all very personal and I'm sorry you have this worry about your sister in law, its a sad time for you all. At the moment your sister in law is still with you, she may live past your holiday, its an unknown. For myself, as M0nica says most families consider a funeral date around the availability of other family members. You plan to be away for just one week so it seems very unlikely to be a major problem.

Having said that it is about how you feel. Its no good going away and then worrying that you shouldn't be there. So full circle, its very personal and leaves me with questions rather than answers. What does your husband think? How much support do you give your brother in law at the moment? Something to decide between you, it feels important you both agree.

Greenfinch Fri 12-Oct-18 16:49:42

I agree with MOnica. Dates are generally very flexible.I don't see a big problem here.

tanith Fri 12-Oct-18 16:54:09

This was recently an issue in my family when my grandson missed his Grandads funeral because of a long planned holiday.
I told him to please go ahead with his trip as Grandad would of understood and I was happy to give him my blessing, although one of his brothers was furious. We delayed the funeral for a few days to allow another brother time to complete a holiday and return in time.

I guess it depends how close you were to them and if there is plenty of support if you aren’t there, I had plenty of other family to get me through thank goodness.

Coconut Sat 13-Oct-18 10:03:11

Talk to the family, voice your worries and mention the holiday dates in advance.

anitamp1 Sat 13-Oct-18 10:04:43

I think you should cancel. You may not get your money back, but if you book through a travel agent they might be prepared to rearrange for a different date for a small fee.

GoldenAge Sat 13-Oct-18 10:05:45

Cancel without a doubt - your DH’s brother will need your DH’s support and honestly I’d you go away and your sister-in-law is still alive will you e neither yourself worrying about whether you have to come back? You know she is terminal so our your holiday on hold.

MissAdventure Sat 13-Oct-18 10:07:15

I would cancel, as a mark of respect.
There will be other holidays, and you've said this was just to be a little break.

Ramblingrose22 Sat 13-Oct-18 10:14:01

I would talk to your brother-in-law and ask him if he would prefer you to cancel the trip.

Whilst you can't be expected to put your life completely on hold, you don't want some festering resentment to be caused because you went away and couldn't get back to support him.

BlueBelle Sat 13-Oct-18 10:15:17

But the woman hasn’t even died yet she may linger for weeks with you hovering and waiting
Again it really depends where you are going if you’re off to China for a month maybe best to cancel if it’s cornwell for a week go it’s not at all disrespectful to have a long planned holiday if I was the dying woman I d hate to think everybody had been put out because of my timing
I bet you ll go and be back long before she dies enjoy your holiday you ll be there when needed I m sure

ToadsMum Sat 13-Oct-18 10:16:34

As has been said what would you expect/feel if it was the other way round ? Also think how you will feel in a year’s time. Yes, you need a break but you can have that later. Families are important and this is one occasion when that family strength comes to the fore and is needed, in no matter what small way.

Candelle Sat 13-Oct-18 10:16:49

This is a horrible situation and I feel for you.

I just wonder if you would really enjoy your holiday, should you decide to go? Your sister-in-law could die before or during your trip and you will feel wretched whatever your decision.

I do know of an unmarried but close couple - not living together but an 'item' - and the man went away when the woman was dying, three days before, in fact when she was extremely ill. He didn't even return for the funeral (a 2.5 hour flight). The point I am making is that everyone we know was disgusted by this man's actions and still have not really forgiven him almost a year later.

This is a really tough decision and I don't envy you but overall, I would (do you have travel insurance? I know it will still probably cost a hundred or two in excesses but it all helps) probably cancel. I doubt you would enjoy your trip should you go.

CarlyD7 Sat 13-Oct-18 10:18:11

Do you have holiday insurance? We had to cancel a very expensive holiday when my Mum fell unexpectedly ill (she died a few months later) but we got almost all the money back (and now it's always the first thing we buy as soon as we book a holiday). I honestly don't think you should go ahead with the holiday if this would clash with the funeral date - this is the sort of thing that can trigger a SERIOUS family rift, the repercussions of which can echo on for decades. Personally, I wouldn't take that risk for one holiday.

NudeJude Sat 13-Oct-18 10:18:30

Do you have travel insurance? If so, then if your sister in law dies at a time that clashes with the holiday, you should be able to cancel and claim your money back.

However, are you really going to be able to look forward to your holiday with this hanging over you? I think in your shoes, I'd cancel now, and then re-book something when it's all over, but that's just me. It all depends on how close you are and how your husband feels about being there for his brother.

Beloulou Sat 13-Oct-18 10:21:16

We had just this issue in our family. My grandmother died and her son went on holiday three days after. For six weeks. My mother was supported by her other family, including me. She refused to have the funeral until he returned. But eight years later, it still rankles. Especially since he then suggested that we have the funeral on a specific day, since he had to go to work. It was my birthday. I was not amused.