Gransnet forums


I thought this year would be easier.

(41 Posts)
kathsue Fri 20-Dec-19 20:10:17

Tomorrow is the 13th anniversary of my daughter's death. I thought I was doing so well this Christmas: I've been keeping busy and been to a few Xmas meals and get-togethers and enjoying them although tomorrow is always in the back of my mind and so many memories keep coming back.

Today everything has just gone downhill. I can't concentrate on anything, my driving is terrible (I just had a near miss on a busy roundabout). I feel so down, I can't see the keyboard for tears, there's no-one really who remembers her to talk to, I don't want to upset anyone else .

I know many others are grieving at this time and I'm just feeling sorry for myself but I had to tell someone.

Hetty58 Sat 21-Dec-19 09:06:41

kathsue, I think your GS shouldn't have to go to the cemetery if he doesn't want to. I'm sure that you don't want him to do it just out of guilt or duty.

We are all very different. Some people find rituals and memorials a great comfort. Some just find no meaning at all. Others (myself included) actively avoid them and find it all far more upsetting than useful. Everyone should be free to grieve in their own way.

Special days, birthdays, anniversaries, celebrations - all are tinged with sadness in grief. I have a whole new appreciation of normal 'ordinary' days. The usual dog walks, shopping etc. are such happy times.

Maw's poem says it all. We expect far too much of ourselves - so be kind to yourself instead.

inkcog Sat 21-Dec-19 09:38:20

Unfortunately Kath, I have heard something similar about the Samaritans. I suppose like all big organisations, they are a mixed bag. It's worth a try though maybe?

Persistentdonor Sat 21-Dec-19 09:42:00

There must be many people enduring anniversaries just now, and they are always a trigger for people who are grieving, plus the added jollity at this time of year makes it all seem even worse.
It isn't about feeling sorry for oneself, it is about genuine pain.
I'm sad for everyone who is suffering in this

kathsue Sat 21-Dec-19 10:05:58

Hi everyone. I'm feeling much stronger today. I do appreciate all the good things in my life now--my dog, the new friends I've met, my new house and great neighbours, my lovely DGS who is becoming a fantastic young man and of course Gransnet.
All in all my life is ticking along nicely but yesterday it just felt like I'd been hit with a sledgehammer and everything came crashing down on me. I'm grateful to you all for your support.

Anniebach Sat 21-Dec-19 10:18:49

kathsue my beloved daughter took her life two years ago, no one speaks about her, I know how you feel x

Sara65 Sat 21-Dec-19 10:47:48

Many years ago I lost someone close to me in this way, and I still feel the sadness, and what a terrible waste it was.
Sometimes despite our best efforts, some people can’t be saved, so sad.

downtoearth Sat 21-Dec-19 11:02:11

Hello * kathsue*
You and I share many similarities my daughters anniversary is jan 3rd,and will be 16 years,she too left me with a 4 year old,if you would like to chat about your daughter,I would be happy for you to PM.
I understand exactly where you are coming from
Big hugs xx

Luckygirl Sat 21-Dec-19 11:03:39

I am pleased that you are feeling stronger today. flowers

Urmstongran Sat 21-Dec-19 11:14:43

I am humbled by some of these posts. I do always try to remember to be so grateful for our little but healthy family.

My heartfelt best wishes to all you mothers out there this Christmas who were pre-deceased by their children - whether baby, young or adult child.

kathsue Sat 21-Dec-19 11:16:55

Anniebach I've followed your story on GN and felt your pain. I've wanted to offer comfort to you and others on here who have lost loved ones but I never could find the right words.
sara65 yes its the waste of a young life that really hurts
downtoearth thank you I will pm you later, my dog is waiting for her walk just now.

Sara65 Sat 21-Dec-19 11:28:24

So good that you’ve all found each other to talk to

Franbern Sun 22-Dec-19 09:26:48

This is the 17th Christmas since my youngest child died at the age of 25 yrs. Still miss him so much - although am very fortunate as I have five other children.
We all talk about him almost every time we meet up. Raise a glass to him on big family occasions, all of us have photos of him in our homes. (When I moved recently, the first photograph I put up in my new home was his). Only one of my g.children had been born when he died, (and he was a baby), but all them know so much about their Uncle G.
We stopped doing anything on the anniversary of his death, instead celebrate each year on his birthday. No graveyards for any of us - he was cremated and ashes just scattered in my old garden. Only want to remember his life - not his death. His colleagues did arrange for a bench to be put in the park near where he worked and we chose the wording of the plaque on it - and any of the family in that part of London still goes there and put a rose on this for him,.
The need to talk about him is still there, and we do.
Kathsue,do you have any other family who remembers your daughter? they are the ones to talk to. You are doing right by your g.son to let him know about his Mum - but visiting graves is not necessary at all. Could you make up a lovely photo album of your daughter to give to your g.son so he has this for the future?
There are good days and bad days, no matter how long it is since someone died. In our modern society nothing is worse than losing a child - it is all so wrong - I can remember saying (stupidly) to the policeman who came to tell us of his death that 'He can't be dead, I don't have any funeral arrangements for my children!!'.
If there are no close family or friends who have memories of your daughter, then do tell us on here all about her and we would be delighted to hear about her.

Anniebach Sun 22-Dec-19 10:06:06

I dread Christmas, Catherine would bring her children to my house Christmas Eve and sing carols at the front door, I listen to Midnight Mass and see her with me in church.

Christmas Day my son in law and three grandchildren will call in for half hour, she isn’t with them.

No Christmas tree because she use to decorate it every year since she was a child.

kathsue my younger daughter can’t have children , she will
never have the love and memories we have , so we have been
blessed x

kathsue Sun 22-Dec-19 11:25:45

The sun is shining today and I feel much better. Yesterday is also the shortest day of the year and I always that once the 21st is over I can start moving forward again.
There is a book of remembrance in the chapel which is open one day at a time so I can only see her name in it on the 21st. I did that yesterday and hung a card on the memory tree then went down to see the rose bush planted for her. DGS was going to cinema with friends so didn't want to come and that's fine.
The only close family left are my sister and her family but don't see them very often.
I am grateful forthe 24 yrs I had with DD.
Best wishes to you all x

Alexa Sun 22-Dec-19 13:50:39

Kathsue, that was a horrible thing for the man in charge at the Samaritans to do! Many people with mental illnesses are great at understanding others' feelings. I hope the Samaritans in recent years are wiser about who is suited to be a Samaritan.

I wish I had known your daughter.