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What to do

(80 Posts)
Grandmadinosaur Tue 02-Mar-21 09:40:51

I lost my mum a couple of weeks ago. Sad as it is it was a relief as she had been ill for a few years - latterly with dementia. My parents live an hour and a half’s drive away and hadn’t seen them for a year due to a COVID. My DH and I did visit my dad the day after she passed and the funeral is in a couple of weeks. My dad has asked me if I want to go and see her in the Chapel of rest. This is my dilemma. It’s a case of what I shall see. I know the last year took a toll on her physically and would like to remember her how she was. Also should we go under the present rules as we shall be going anyway for the funeral? I feel like we should go as support to my dad who is putting no pressure on me. He is the most easy going person I know so there’s no feelings of guilt. Or is there from me? I don’t know what to do?

Kryptonite Thu 04-Mar-21 21:01:53

My mother told me not to see her after death. She is still here, but I've never forgotten what she said. Remember me as I was, she said. I saw my dad and then wished I hadn't, but at the time felt it was needed to say 'goodbye' and to believe he really had died.

Grandmadinosaur Thu 04-Mar-21 21:33:41

Thank you all so much for your many responses to my message. It’s a great comfort to know I’m not alone in my thinking. As several of you have said I do feel like we “lost” her a while ago and do wish to remember her as she was. Therefore I will not go and see her. I do have a brother who lives closer than I do to Dad and I think he would like to go so they may go together.
Incidentally when my beloved Grandad died I went to see him at the funeral home. He died from lung cancer but looked very peaceful. The only thing about it that upset me was that he hadn’t had a shave and had bristles on his chin. Never seen him like that before. A small thing but it’s always stuck with me.

Rosina Thu 04-Mar-21 23:01:44

I'm sorry to read of your loss - losing a parent is so hard, they have been there always, and it knocks away a prop from your life. It's difficult to decide whether to see your loved one; when my Mother died I chose not to go to the chapel of rest as I had been with her the day before she died. However, the next day I got a bus as I felt too wobbly to drive, and as the traffic moved along the high road, something held it up. I looked to my left, and there, in the quiet side road, was the chapel of rest where my Mother was. The bus was stationary for several minutes, and I sat feeling calm while looking at the building. I had, in a way, been with her again for that short time. I hope whatever you decide to do is peaceful and right for you.

Whiff Thu 04-Mar-21 23:10:16

Glad you decided not to go. Think only happy funny things about your mom. Remember as she was and that will help you cope. Also whatever emotion you feel is the right one. Scream, shout, cry ,hit a pillow if it makes it easier for you. I only wish when my husband died aged 47 I was 45 feeling not just of loss and sorrow , but anger and rage where all normal emotions to grief. Had to learn that myself. It's been 17 years if what I have learnt helps one person then something good came out of an awful time. Grief for my husband has never died. But coping gets easier as the years go by. But the grief deepens as he has missed so much. I still love him as much to day as I ever did. And that makes me happy.

So be happy for the mom you remember and love.