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Loss of DH after illness

(42 Posts)
Nanamar Fri 09-Apr-21 12:52:27

My DH died three weeks ago after a lengthy battle with lung cancer. We were married for 50 years and together as a couple for 56. I was his care giver and health advocate throughout and was fortunate to be with him until the very end despite hospital restrictions due to COVID. My guess is that when the EMT brought him to the ER the doc on call was pretty sure what was happening (DH had already refused intubation and resuscitation) and exercised her option to allow a family member in due to the end-of-life scenario. My question to those of you who’ve experienced similar loss is - did you experience grief as anxiety? In addition to the sadness and sense of loss, I feel so anxious and I don’t know why since the worst has already happened.

Puzzler61 Fri 09-Apr-21 15:49:52

Deepest sympathy to you and your family Nanamar.
3 weeks is no time at all and it wouldn’t be surprising if you are feeling anxious - and a whole lot of other emotions too.
? for you and give yourself time to grieve.

OurKid1 Fri 09-Apr-21 15:56:47

Your world has tilted on its axis. I think anxiety is not at all surprising. Sending warm thoughts and hope that you can gather the strength to get through this. You will. You will. xx

hulahoop Fri 09-Apr-21 15:59:46

Please accept my condolences nanamar??

AGAA4 Fri 09-Apr-21 16:13:25

nanamar I am so sorry for your loss. I was very anxious after my DH died and couldn't understand why at the time.
The grieving process goes through stages although I was only aware of it later as I found it difficult to think straight in the early days.
Don't expect too much of yourself. Accept all offers of help and it will get easier but I know you won't feel that it will yet.

Blinko Fri 09-Apr-21 16:17:39

Sending sincere condolences, nanamar. This is a life changing event for you. Just be kind to yourself flowers

nadateturbe Fri 09-Apr-21 16:20:54

So sorry for your great loss nananar flowers

BlueSapphire Fri 09-Apr-21 16:32:16

So sorry for your

Deedaa Fri 09-Apr-21 16:34:09

DH died in 2019. Although he had been ill for some years and was obviously deteriorating I wasn't expecting him to die so soon. I had a week during which he was not conscious and I was able to sit with him everyday and start sorting my head out. It was all very strange but I don't remember feeling any anxiety. Perhaps it helped that I had a meeting with his consultant a couple of weeks later and we talked and hugged and confirmed that we'd managed to keep him going for so many years and there was no more we could have done.

sodapop Fri 09-Apr-21 16:39:48

My condolences too NanaMar so much help and advice on here I can't add to it.
Take care of yourself now thanks

Party4 Fri 09-Apr-21 17:21:51

So sorry for your loss Nanamar.

PamelaJ1 Fri 09-Apr-21 20:23:07

So sorry for your loss.
I’m not surprised you are feeling anxious, I’ve not lost my husband but, although I know I would manage, I know it would be so hard. Although your husband was obviously very sick he was still part of your team. Now that focus has gone you need to readjust to your new life and that will take time and involve stress.

bikergran Fri 09-Apr-21 20:48:23

Sorry for your sadness, a day at a time is all you can do for now. take care.

Harris27 Fri 09-Apr-21 20:53:35

So sorry For your loss. You will feel anxious and many other emotions you will work through it and I hope you take one day at a time.look after yourself.

ElaineI Sat 10-Apr-21 19:51:17

So sorry Nanamar. When someone close dies it is a huge shock even when you know it is coming. The nurse in me tells me that adrenaline is running through the system and everything is heightened because of that. Also there is such a lot to do and sort that it is overwhelming. The other thought is that you yourself are not immortal and sometimes fear that you will also become ill. Please look after yourself and sometimes it is good to have some time alone when lots of things have been happening. My thoughts are with you x

rosielabrador Sun 18-Apr-21 10:35:57

I’m so so sorry for your loss. It is so early days for you. To experience anxiety as well as grief is entirely normal. I lost my husband over five years ago. You do feel stronger eventually as you cope with things on your own but I still wake up feeling anxious. It is normal to think ‘this awful thing has happened what will happen next?’ I was with my lovely husband for 45 years from the age of 16. The best thing I did to help myself was attend a bereavement group at the hospice. I now have a group of friends who are all widows. I know this may be hard to do at the moment but to talk to people in the same position as yourself is such a huge help. It is not all misery. We go out for meals and enjoy chatting

Esspee Sun 18-Apr-21 10:50:21

I am so sorry that your husband is no longer with you. Each of us experience our loss differently.
I did have periods of anxiety, mainly when confronting things that he normally attended to for the first few times (taking the car for servicing and the like). If you are constantly anxious perhaps your doctor could temporarily prescribe medication to help you through this time.
Best wishes ?