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Bereavement

Double loss and feeling fragile

(32 Posts)
grannyactivist Thu 24-Feb-22 23:57:25

My mother died at the end of January and, due to a family member being mentally unable to cope, mum’s last few weeks were quite a traumatic time for me. However, my mum was almost 93 and it was not unexpected. However, while I was at my mother’s side my foster son’s wife gave birth, extremely prematurely (less than 25 weeks), to twin girls. Weighing in at just over 500 and 600 grams each we knew the chances of their survival were very slim, but tonight I got the call to say the little one has died. 😢 The other little girl is making headway, but has all the usual difficulties associated with extremely premature birth and her health continues to be of concern.

Both losses are caught up, one with the other, and to be honest I’m feeling almost numb, as if my emotions can’t cope with anything else. I’ve barely cried and yet I feel such a weight of sadness within and feel very, very fragile right now.

In addition to the above I have two other things going on that I’m not able to talk about, but both will have huge repercussions for our family if things go wrong. I’m trying not to be a Cassandra, but both of these things had bad outcomes last time and so I’m dreadfully afraid that history may repeat itself. I’m usually an open book, but these secrets are not mine to share, so my husband and I are having to shore each other up without the support we usually receive from our friends.

V3ra Fri 25-Feb-22 00:10:50

Such a lot to bear grannyactivist.
I'd noticed you haven't been posting lately and wondered if there was anything wrong.
Life can bring a lot of heartbreak to people who really deserve better.
I know that numb, out-of-body feeling. All we can do is put one foot in front of the other sometimes, and keep plodding on.
Very best wishes to all of you xx

GagaJo Fri 25-Feb-22 05:02:59

Very similar situation for me at the moment, grannyactivist. Mum's death and a horrific, life threatening illness for my brother, all within the same 2 week period.

My head is all over the place, as are my emotions. I don't have advice for you, just... empathy.

nadateturbe Fri 25-Feb-22 05:22:03

So sorry Grannyactivist. I can only echo what V3ra has said.
Sending best wishes xx

FannyCornforth Fri 25-Feb-22 05:44:41

So very sad GA thanks
Lovely wisdom from V3ra

nadateturbe Fri 25-Feb-22 05:47:15

So sad for you too Gagajo.

dustyangel Fri 25-Feb-22 06:02:17

Feeling so sad for you GA and your husband who is your strength and support always. All I can offer are payers and my best wishes for you and your family.flowers

Just seen your post Gagajo, thinking of you tooflowers

Ashcombe Fri 25-Feb-22 06:05:34

You poor lady with such heavy burdens to bear. It is hard to stay strong for everyone at such times. Be assured of our thoughts and prayers for you and your family, especially the new little one. What a special couple you must be to have been foster parents. Be kind to yourselves and we can only hope for some brighter tomorrows for you all. 💐

FannyCornforth Fri 25-Feb-22 06:32:40

Jo thanks thinking of you

Beautiful post Ashcombe

cornergran Fri 25-Feb-22 06:44:50

My heart goes our to you ga. I understand that place of non-feeling and fragility. Please don’t expect too much of yourself, just be as you are, it’s time to be as kind and gentle to yourself as you are to others. My thoughts are with you and gagajo.

kittylester Fri 25-Feb-22 07:23:21

GA, I am sorry to hear of this extra sadness for you. The death of a tiny child is so upsetting and your Mother had been there all your life - no wonder you are numb. Sending strength to you and the family of your foster son.

gagajo, wishing your brother well and condolences on the death of your mother.

GN is here for both of you.

Nannee49 Fri 25-Feb-22 07:24:20

Sincere condolences GA and gagajoflowersflowers

Jaxjacky Fri 25-Feb-22 07:52:08

A very tough time, you’ll be on automatic pilot, just ‘getting through’. I can offer little but my sympathy and keeping you in my thoughts 💐.

M0nica Fri 25-Feb-22 07:56:34

To both you flowers . Words are inadequate in such sad and difficult times.

Serendipity22 Fri 25-Feb-22 07:58:06

No words, just a huge hug (())

X

baubles Fri 25-Feb-22 08:03:07

My condolences GA. You have been a huge support to so many people over the years, I’m sorry that you’re having to bear so much grief and worry.

GagaJo flowers.

Redhead56 Fri 25-Feb-22 08:10:33

Very sorry to hear of the difficult time you are going through💐

Marydoll Fri 25-Feb-22 08:10:56

Grannyactivist, how sad I feel for you and your family.

You are such a good woman have been a tower of strength to so many over the years. I pray that you find some peace.

GagaJo, my condolences to you and your family. 💐

Oopsadaisy1 Fri 25-Feb-22 08:21:08

Condolences for GA and Gagajo tough times for you both.

toscalily Fri 25-Feb-22 08:48:11

So sorry to hear of your loss, my condolences to you both grannyactivist & Gagajo at such a sad time.

Kim19 Fri 25-Feb-22 09:11:48

Gosh, GA, so sorry to read of your current miserable state of affairs. I've been missing you around. Have you in my head as a robust leader of the pack kind of person but we all have our tipping point. Not going near the positives at the moment. Would seem frivolous but I am thinking of you and hoping you can recognise every glimmer of light that comes your way in the current gloom. Try to stay strong. Lots of people on here care. 🌷. Also Gagajo. 🌷

grannyactivist Fri 25-Feb-22 09:43:48

Thank you all for your kind comments. And yes, GagaJo, my condolences to you too.

My relationship with my mother was not without difficulty and she had been ill and frail for many years, so processing her life and death will take some time - and I expected that. But the raw emotion of childhood memories re-surfacing has taken me by surprise, and not only me; my older brother had a meltdown because our mum had always refused to answer his (very valid) questions about painful aspects of our childhood - and on the day of her funeral he finally had to accept that he would never receive the answers he craves. He arrived at, but almost didn’t come in to the funeral service, and I had to use all my powers of persuasion to get him to attend and join us at the wake afterwards.

Life can be so complicated.

hulahoop Fri 25-Feb-22 09:49:03

* Grannyactivist*and gagajo 💐

Germanshepherdsmum Fri 25-Feb-22 10:05:43

I’m so very sorry ga. The loss of your Mum and your foster grandchild, the fragility of the other one and more worries too. What a lot of sadness and worry you have to cope with at present. Take each day as it comes and don’t expect too much of yourself. I’m glad you have someone to lean on and share all this with and I’m glad you have felt able to share your grief with all your friends here.

I hope the little one will get stronger with each day that passes and that brighter days will come for you all before long.

You are all in my thoughts and I will remember you all in my prayers.
💐

annodomini Fri 25-Feb-22 10:11:11

Dear grannyactivist, you are, and have always been, a tower of strength to those who have needed your support and a listening ear. I know you are unable to fully confide all that's going on in your life, but the bereavement is something most of us can relate to, though nobody can say, 'I know how you feel' because that can never be true. Your husband (aka WM) is your rock and we are here to read and empathise - for what it's worth. Metaphorical hugs, and a would-be listening ear. xxx