I am a widow

Whiff

Ladysusiei I am so sorry you didn't become a couple 40 years ago but had 20 years will your partner. I have said before when the love of your life takes their last breath half of you dies as well. The 2 of you made a whole. When they die not only do you lose them but your present and future. We always have the past but it's so hard suddenly to just be one person instead of 2. Sudden death you had to face is the worst kind. You had no time to prepare yourself. But saying that we always knew my husband would die and having to tell him to stop struggling because he couldn't breath was the hardest thing I have ever done. I had to let him go . And no a single day of the last 20 years I haven't wished to have him back fit and healthy.

Not only have you to face the shock of your partner's sudden death but then before you can get over the shock but you have a whole host of decisions to make on your own. Even if you have family help it's you who has to make the final decisions. Then there's all the paperwork and funeral and solicitors to deal with. When really you want to curl up into a ball and cry until you are exhausted and shut the world out . But you can't.

I still after 20 years feel the rage and anger at my husband's death. But I use that rage and anger to get me through everyday . I talk out loud to him everyday and shout at him for dieing but then I see him with that stupid grin on his face..

In my old house I heard him drop both his briefcases in the porch at 6.30 every week night and shout hello Whiff and I would shout hello Hubs. Hence my user name .

I had been with my husband since I was 16 he was 18. I had no life from then not as a couple until he died. I had to find a life but because of family members needing me until they died I had no life.

My husband was a wise man he knew what I needed to live without him and it was a series of promises the most important one was to live the best life I can. He died in 2004 it wasn't until 2019 I could and that's because I moved over 100 miles from where we lived.

I have had to do a lot of firsts like anyone in a long term relationship and it's hard. But because of their love for us and ours for them you do it. But it takes time years infact. Even know grief can overwhelm me and take me back to when he first died..

Ladysusiei you need to take time to grief only do what you need to do. Don't try and be brave I did that and it only hurt more. People say time heals but in my experience it doesn't. You just learn to cope .

Grieve as much as you want and use that anger to get you through each day. And look after yourself as grief has a knock on effect of making any health problems you have worse.. I speak from experience. 💐

Whiff - we had a relationship 40 years ago which was really intense then went out separate ways - we wanted different things from life then . The relationship was always in our destiny though as we showed. We really loved each other so intensely I feel absolutely lost these days . I do try to channel my anger into making a better life for myself but without the support of my son and his wife I’m finding it so hard . I always thought we’d be a unit of 3 dealing our mutual loss , after all my DP meant so much to them , particularly my son . Maybe in time this will repair and we will be that little team once more - issue being now is loss of trust after feeling so let down .
I can only speak from the experience of sudden death . To me of course it feels so devastating and untrue I can’t think of anything worse . Mind you , seeing someone you love suffer is also devastating- I saw the effect on my dad when my mum suffered for 15 years . Neither way is better really . I just wish we’d had time to prepare life going forward. I’m making poor decisions on my own and not thinking things through properly- this house move being one of them . In a way I suppose it doesn’t matter where I live if I am on my own . My love just exists in memory only now , so this can be anywhere. I do need to make sure I am somewhere safe though which means putting the correct amount of thought in . I still don’t have absolute confirmation that it’s all going ahead yet so I’m not packing or getting prepared. I’m getting the removal company to pack for me this time as I can’t face doing it myself and I’m currently staying with my dad anyway. It’s not practical for me to do this quickly and on my own I’ll get myself in a real pickle . I just really hope I can get away fro my current flat which really isn’t safe and I’m not happy there at all. So fingers crossed hey ?

I often wake up fed overwhelmed by feelings of sadness and grief . My DP was the only person who really understood me as I’m a complicated person. This possibly accounts for miscommunications between my son and myself leading to trouble . I miss the easygoing feeling that no matter how bad things feel, there’s always the other half of me understanding. Now this is gone for ever and this scares me a lot .
I can’t see how time will heal all these particular hurts . I desperately need him but I know it cannot be .
You are right that grief affects your health. Physically I’ve been in bad shape since his loss . I have suffered with mental illness for many years and this isn’t Changing but it’s physically where I am feeling much worse . I can’t put my finger on it I just feel sick and horrible the whole time . If I felt physically stronger then I believe I could deal with the grief in a better way . I’ll miss him until I take my last breath- whenever this is I don’t really care at the moment. I realise I sound negative but the loss of the person who makes you whole tends to do this I feel …….

Ladysusiei you are bound to feel negative about things it's normal . Because of my neurological condition I have always had to make lists having things written down gives me control . I list things in priority they need doing and once I decide to do something I have to do it. But others with the same condition as me are the same. So perhaps writing things down will help you . It gets it out of your head onto paper. And you can see what you want and need to do .

I want and need my husband everyday but I can't have him . But he is always with me in my head and heart as an atheist what has always given me comfort is our children and grandson's have part of his DNA so he lives on in them . I know that's odd and I don't believe I will be with him again.

But lot of people have a religious belief and that helps them. My best friend was widowed a year ago in November they are Christians . I read some where if you find a feather in your home it means your loved on is near. My friend found 3 in her house and told her ,her husband was trying out his wings . It cost me nothing to say that but it helped her so she kept the feathers. She believes they will be together again and so she will. My parents believed but didn't like church as they both said you can believe but you don't have to go to church to do good. When mom was dieing I told her to stop fighting as dad was waiting for her unfortunately it took her all day to die. The last time I said it to her she died within 10 mins.

I still find it hard to cope at times after 20 years so give yourself some slack . I call the first 10 years of grief early years but that's me. Grief is the price we pay to love and be loved in return. Some people live there while lives and never find the other half of themselves. Even though we lost ours at least we had that. And that's what will get you through everyday. So don't be hard on yourself.

I have made bad decisions but nothing major but moving here was the best decision I could have ever made. My husband is still with me. But my bungalow is mine . My old house was ours and still the children's bedrooms. My old house became a mill stone round my neck and I rattled round it . I didn't want to be there . I could have could have been dead and none of my neighbours would have noticed. But here I went to stay with my brother and sister in law but didn't tell my neighbours they where looking through the windows to see if I was on the floor. They where relieved to see my daughter the next day and find out where I was . Once home again I went straight round to apologise and have told them when I go away ever since. I never had neighbours that cared before.

Do things at your own pace and don't feel you have to stop grieving because you don't but you can use that to get you through each day.

Hi @Whiff - thank you for your lovely reply . Yes I’d love to believe that me and mr B will be reunited in eternity but somehow I don’t buy into this either . It’s a lovely thought but how on earth would we find each other - practically I mean. Where would I meet him etc and would he recognise me because I’ve changed already . In just over a year I’ve lost so much weight , don’t bother with make up haven’t done anything with my hair and I’m sure further deterioration awaits me ! He might decide he wants me as I was and then I’d be stuck wouldn’t I ? I know I’m making light of this but the practicalities of seeing each other again I think are not going to work out . I remember him vividly in my mind . I’m concerned about being alone and making poor decisions- we made all our decisions together so this house business is all new territory for me . I suppose things can be a bit more impermanent when you are renting but with trying to juggle 2 properties which may or may not be ready at quite the same time , I’m not sure what to do . I keep thinking my heart is telling me go go for the house - I’ve had as many assurances as any normal person would be happy with . Nothing is 💯 certain in life , so I think I will put my trust in the process and believe the estate agent who told me I’ll be in during April . I will just need to reassess if it goes wrong . If it were only that simple in my mind !! My brain doesn’t work like this , it’s too full of what ifs and what happens if something goes wrong etc , but sometimes you just have to make a decision and stuck with it . There are pros and cons to both options actually, it’s just a case of picking one and sticking with my decision. If my DP was here , he would have stopped my anxiety about all this by now , so I need to try to think what would HE have told me to do ? I’m going to put decision making on this in hold for a month meaning I don’t need to think about it until after Easter . This gives me time to pause . Rushing into something isn’t a good idea and my dads happy for me to stay here with him for a while longer . I will try to relax . It’s overwhelming though when the realisation hits you that you’ve literally nobody to assist you with making pretty big decisions. This is something I struggle with and I realise that I miss Mr B so much more at times like this than I do anyway . I suppose making a poor decision if you’re buying something would be more serious . It’s all about getting used to a new life that you certainly don’t want isn’t it . Like you say , grief lasts such a long time , with you at 20 years then this is potentially me grieving for the rest of my life . I need to try to take a step back and learn to go with the flow a bit more . xxx

Ladysusiei when my husband died our home became a house . It never felt like home because he wasn't there. I hear him every night at 6.30 fall through the front door and drop both of his briefcases in the porch and shout hello Whiff and I shouted hello Hubs. I was usually in the kitchen and he would come and put his arms round me and kiss me.

I didn't want to be in my kitchen at 6.30 after he died. I started to look for a new home after the children left but because of my parents and mother in law needing me I couldn't leave them. I rattled round my house never went to bed until 1-2 am and didn't sleep well. I always knew if I had a bad night as I would wake on his side of the bed. That continued until I moved. Here I do put my hand out to his side of our bed and wish him good night. But I fall asleep straight away and after visiting the loo go back to sleep no problem. Been like that from my first night here . I have a home not a bungalow.

If going back to the house you shared will it be home or a house? Without your darling man it won't feel the same . I think you lived there for a while after he died. I know how much your health suffered and explained elsewhere what happened to you. But the time you where there did it feel like home without him ? Have a good think and I think you will realise it wasn't home without him and just a house.

As hard as it is especially in the case of sudden death like what happened to your love you have to make a new present and future and it's hard . I had 13 years in my house once the children moved out even when my mom lived with me the last 18 months of her life I was still alone . Mom had cancer and dementia. Even when the children came to stay it wasn't home just a house.

Home was my husband. If your darling man was home then you need to go forward not backward. I know the flat is isolated but it will be a new start and you will have the security that you won't have leave like you did the house when the landlord decided to sell but changed his mind and going to rent again he could change his mind again.

I am glad you are with your dad have you talked about the pros and cons about both places . I know the house will be closer to your dad. But none of us know how long we will live. You are lot younger than me .

When I moved here yes my children lived not far away daughter 10 mins son 40 mins in a car. But I wanted to be independent as I had been all the years on my own . I had 2 things I wanted to do when I moved here join a craft group and sit fit class. Do both.

You say how much you have changed since being on your own . But your love will always recognise you because of the love you share. I have changed at lot as well . When Mr W died I was over 19st size 32. I now look like when we got married but with much shorter hair. I stopped wearing make up when I had my daughter only wore it if we when out somewhere special. To be honest once my daughter started to wear make up she did mine otherwise I would look like a clown 🤡. My hair is going silver grey mixed with the brown . When Mr W died his black hair had grey mixed in I had a few grey . But he was cheeky he said grey hair was distinguished in a man but old in a woman so he got a thump.

I miss my husband more as the years go by and grief never gets less not for me and can still overwhelm me after 20 years. But I am so lucky to have been so loved and love in return. Some people live their whole lives and never have that . They never find the other half of themselves. We had that aren't we lucky. But grief is the price we have to pay for loving someone so much it hurts . But we still hold on to that love and that is what will get you through everyday.

You know what your loved one would want you to do . You will always have the past but he would want you to go forward and make a new life . Like I said it's hard but like my husband made me promise live the best life you can.

He made me promise to go on holiday a year after he died so I did . I had never been on holiday on my own or even walked into a pub myself . I was 46 did a lot of firsts those 4 days and it was so hard I cried every night.

In May I am going on my first holiday since 2005. But am really looking forward to it . Hotel was booked in November as I need an assisted room , booked my train tickets and travel assistance this week. In November the tourist board sent me all details of places to visit even buses and taxi firms numbers. Plus places I can visit by train.

I hope you can see your way forward but it will take time and a different way of thinking . You have to like I and not we. And that's upsetting. But do able . 🌹

Think not like 🤦

When my Husband of nearly 60 years died, and I mentioned not wanting to live or be without him,my son said, Dad is always with you.He is in your head and in your heart. I found that very comforting.

It is a year since my husband died. I have been kept busy sorting out his many possessions and collections and managing to increase the assets of the estate by doing so. He would have hated to see them go, but I hope he would be proud of my achievements. I have had four rooms redecorated ( once the stuff had gone).
I have also carried on with my main interest, singing in choirs, which has kept me in touch with friends especially the church choir, who have been really supportive, and had some treats, outings and short breaks. Life is not over once your loved one dies. They are indeed still in your heart and would want you to live your life in the best way you can.

My husband died five weeks ago.I haven’t forgotten he was my husband so why should I forget I was his wife.We were together sixty years & I was and still am proud to be his wife,

Well put Cabbie21
I was much the same as you after DH died in ‘21. Despite being ill and under treatment for a few years, his death was sudden and unexpected. I had his vehicle to dispose of and all his sporting equipment which he’d promised to individual friends.
Although the DD’s tried to help, one was 7 months pregnant and the other had a 4 year old, so much was down to me.
Finances sorted and having been so limited by Covid, I couldn’t wait to have the decorators in.
I kept his ashes until a suitable time to scatter them where he’d asked, exactly where he’d scattered his best friend 20 years earlier. His on-going project had been a big garden job, so I found a company to undertake that - less maintenance.
Then it was facing life as a singleton or whatever the preferred label.
DH would’ve hated me to stop doing what I wanted to do, so it was back to meeting friends and as he didn’t like holidays, I’ve done more travelling in 3 years than I did in the previous 13.

I can only echo Cabbie21’s post that final sentences that life doesn’t end when your loved one’s die - they stay in your heart and mine always.

mind!

I am so very sorry, Iam64. 💐

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margiebrty3 what has that got to do with anything. It's ok if you are a Christian but I am a die hard atheist since my teens so was my husband and children.

My husband died . I see him in my mind . If you are a widow and believe you will see him again if that gives you comfort then that's good as with any Christians or other faiths here.

But don't just quote the bible and just leave it at that without any context.

I have been told over the last 20 years I am wrong not to believe in god . But I do not judge people because they have faith and I shouldn't be judged because I have none.

Being a Christian doesn't make you a good person as my mother in law was catholic and I hated her for 40 years but I looked after her for 11 years after my husband her son died. She denied she had a son or 2 grandchildren. She even refused to go to their weddings. If that's Christianity then I am glad to be an atheist.

I am sorry for your loss 1am64. Yes, you are still his wife.

Thank you for your kindness. I started this thread on 12.10.22, 4 days after my husband died. Here I am, 19 months on from that awful time. My loss feels less raw but no less all encompassing. It’s helped to see others saying they’re finding two year anniversaries very tough.
Sending love to others in this sad challenging place. We live our best lives but for me, there’s this huge absence he’d have filled with joy humour and love

I haven’t gone through this, but I feel for those who have. I know without experience of it that it’s a very difficult time.

It is just a year since my husband’s burial on a lovely sunny day, the first warm day last year I think.
This past week has seen huge progress both in the admin of the estate and in getting rid of things. There is still a long way to go. Lots to sort out still wherever I look, including the garden which became very neglected.
Having so much to do has kept me going, together with maintaining my choirs, ns joining two new groups. I can’t help wondering how I will feel when everything is sorted.

Sorry for your loss

Iam and Cabbie bet your thought my post was madness as I don't know if you read post by margiebrty . I didn't report it but replied to her post. If you didn't read it ,it was a bible quote about god losing his only son that sort of them. It was just a quote I didn't report so don't know why it was deleted.

I hope my post didn't upset anyone who have faith. But her post had no place on this thread. Because how could she quote with out context I don't know .

Special dates , anniversaries , favourite song or anything can put you right back to the moment your loved one died. I recently went on my first holiday for 19 years. I last went in 2005 to York and only because my husband made me promise to go on my holiday a year after he died. I was 46 and never been on holiday ever by myself or even walked into a pub by myself . Did a lot of firsts that holiday. And I remember crying every night because I didn't want to be on my own . The thought of being by myself for the next 30 years terrified me .

Having people depending on me helped me in one way as I couldn't let myself curl up into a ball and cry like I wanted to. But in another way it put my grief on the back burner which looking back did me no good.

I couldn't be myself until I moved here. Going on holiday to Berwick on Tweed was wonderful so different to going to York. But MayBee from the pears thread said she wanted to met me as she would be with her partner near by at their house. I never expected them to take me places but they did. I only had one day by myself and enjoyed it . But I kept wanting to say to my husband look at that or wouldn't you like it or do you thing our grandsons would love it here.

But I did enjoy my time with MayBee and her partner but did enjoy my day on my own . So I now I the travel bug never thought I would .

I can never thank MayBee and her partner for their kindness.

This probably doesn't make sense either. It's so hot here today and making me breathless and have a foggy brain .

Didn't want you to think I had gone loopy.

Cabbie21, the sorting out, the s.admin and clearing of things is exhausting at times but part of the process of acceptance I feel. I had thousands of books which lovely D had started to donate when he knew his life was limited. Lots went to relevant university departments etc . I was lucky to find good homes for many and a book dealer for others. My husband loved books, so do I but keeping them all impossible. I donated tools, art supplies etc to local charities, which I know he’d have wanted.
Of course, I felt I was losing him again despite knowing he’d be pleased with what I was doing 💙

I meant to add Cabbie21- great that your choirs and new groups are helping x

When my lovely dad died we donated lots of his tools to a charity that sent them to Africa for farmers and families to use there. When mum then decided to sell the house and move to a sheltered apartment near us, we donated her old Singer sewing machine to be sent to Africa too. It was a hand sewing machine, not a treadle but you turned a handle to use it. Very suitable for someone where was no electricity.

Yes, most of the books have gone abroad to those who will appreciate them. I needed to sell DH’s many collectibles and they have made a lot of money for the estate which is split between me and his children. Today I had a lovely thank you from my step son for all my hard work, which meant a great deal to me.
Today my lovely daughter has put some foxgloves on the grave which is in a beautiful woodland site. So thoughtful, as he loved foxgloves and he once ticked her off for digging them up!

Love and Iam64 I am very sorry for your loss and new life that you've got to navigate. I hope your days are full of new beginnings and kind memories.

Cabbie I wonder if we visit the same woodland site, I’ve pm’d