I am a widow

Whiff

Ladysusiei I am so sorry you didn't become a couple 40 years ago but had 20 years will your partner. I have said before when the love of your life takes their last breath half of you dies as well. The 2 of you made a whole. When they die not only do you lose them but your present and future. We always have the past but it's so hard suddenly to just be one person instead of 2. Sudden death you had to face is the worst kind. You had no time to prepare yourself. But saying that we always knew my husband would die and having to tell him to stop struggling because he couldn't breath was the hardest thing I have ever done. I had to let him go . And no a single day of the last 20 years I haven't wished to have him back fit and healthy.

Not only have you to face the shock of your partner's sudden death but then before you can get over the shock but you have a whole host of decisions to make on your own. Even if you have family help it's you who has to make the final decisions. Then there's all the paperwork and funeral and solicitors to deal with. When really you want to curl up into a ball and cry until you are exhausted and shut the world out . But you can't.

I still after 20 years feel the rage and anger at my husband's death. But I use that rage and anger to get me through everyday . I talk out loud to him everyday and shout at him for dieing but then I see him with that stupid grin on his face..

In my old house I heard him drop both his briefcases in the porch at 6.30 every week night and shout hello Whiff and I would shout hello Hubs. Hence my user name .

I had been with my husband since I was 16 he was 18. I had no life from then not as a couple until he died. I had to find a life but because of family members needing me until they died I had no life.

My husband was a wise man he knew what I needed to live without him and it was a series of promises the most important one was to live the best life I can. He died in 2004 it wasn't until 2019 I could and that's because I moved over 100 miles from where we lived.

I have had to do a lot of firsts like anyone in a long term relationship and it's hard. But because of their love for us and ours for them you do it. But it takes time years infact. Even know grief can overwhelm me and take me back to when he first died..

Ladysusiei you need to take time to grief only do what you need to do. Don't try and be brave I did that and it only hurt more. People say time heals but in my experience it doesn't. You just learn to cope .

Grieve as much as you want and use that anger to get you through each day. And look after yourself as grief has a knock on effect of making any health problems you have worse.. I speak from experience. 💐

Whiff - we had a relationship 40 years ago which was really intense then went out separate ways - we wanted different things from life then . The relationship was always in our destiny though as we showed. We really loved each other so intensely I feel absolutely lost these days . I do try to channel my anger into making a better life for myself but without the support of my son and his wife I’m finding it so hard . I always thought we’d be a unit of 3 dealing our mutual loss , after all my DP meant so much to them , particularly my son . Maybe in time this will repair and we will be that little team once more - issue being now is loss of trust after feeling so let down .
I can only speak from the experience of sudden death . To me of course it feels so devastating and untrue I can’t think of anything worse . Mind you , seeing someone you love suffer is also devastating- I saw the effect on my dad when my mum suffered for 15 years . Neither way is better really . I just wish we’d had time to prepare life going forward. I’m making poor decisions on my own and not thinking things through properly- this house move being one of them . In a way I suppose it doesn’t matter where I live if I am on my own . My love just exists in memory only now , so this can be anywhere. I do need to make sure I am somewhere safe though which means putting the correct amount of thought in . I still don’t have absolute confirmation that it’s all going ahead yet so I’m not packing or getting prepared. I’m getting the removal company to pack for me this time as I can’t face doing it myself and I’m currently staying with my dad anyway. It’s not practical for me to do this quickly and on my own I’ll get myself in a real pickle . I just really hope I can get away fro my current flat which really isn’t safe and I’m not happy there at all. So fingers crossed hey ?

I often wake up fed overwhelmed by feelings of sadness and grief . My DP was the only person who really understood me as I’m a complicated person. This possibly accounts for miscommunications between my son and myself leading to trouble . I miss the easygoing feeling that no matter how bad things feel, there’s always the other half of me understanding. Now this is gone for ever and this scares me a lot .
I can’t see how time will heal all these particular hurts . I desperately need him but I know it cannot be .
You are right that grief affects your health. Physically I’ve been in bad shape since his loss . I have suffered with mental illness for many years and this isn’t Changing but it’s physically where I am feeling much worse . I can’t put my finger on it I just feel sick and horrible the whole time . If I felt physically stronger then I believe I could deal with the grief in a better way . I’ll miss him until I take my last breath- whenever this is I don’t really care at the moment. I realise I sound negative but the loss of the person who makes you whole tends to do this I feel …….

Ladysusiei you are bound to feel negative about things it's normal . Because of my neurological condition I have always had to make lists having things written down gives me control . I list things in priority they need doing and once I decide to do something I have to do it. But others with the same condition as me are the same. So perhaps writing things down will help you . It gets it out of your head onto paper. And you can see what you want and need to do .

I want and need my husband everyday but I can't have him . But he is always with me in my head and heart as an atheist what has always given me comfort is our children and grandson's have part of his DNA so he lives on in them . I know that's odd and I don't believe I will be with him again.

But lot of people have a religious belief and that helps them. My best friend was widowed a year ago in November they are Christians . I read some where if you find a feather in your home it means your loved on is near. My friend found 3 in her house and told her ,her husband was trying out his wings . It cost me nothing to say that but it helped her so she kept the feathers. She believes they will be together again and so she will. My parents believed but didn't like church as they both said you can believe but you don't have to go to church to do good. When mom was dieing I told her to stop fighting as dad was waiting for her unfortunately it took her all day to die. The last time I said it to her she died within 10 mins.

I still find it hard to cope at times after 20 years so give yourself some slack . I call the first 10 years of grief early years but that's me. Grief is the price we pay to love and be loved in return. Some people live there while lives and never find the other half of themselves. Even though we lost ours at least we had that. And that's what will get you through everyday. So don't be hard on yourself.

I have made bad decisions but nothing major but moving here was the best decision I could have ever made. My husband is still with me. But my bungalow is mine . My old house was ours and still the children's bedrooms. My old house became a mill stone round my neck and I rattled round it . I didn't want to be there . I could have could have been dead and none of my neighbours would have noticed. But here I went to stay with my brother and sister in law but didn't tell my neighbours they where looking through the windows to see if I was on the floor. They where relieved to see my daughter the next day and find out where I was . Once home again I went straight round to apologise and have told them when I go away ever since. I never had neighbours that cared before.

Do things at your own pace and don't feel you have to stop grieving because you don't but you can use that to get you through each day.

Hi @Whiff - thank you for your lovely reply . Yes I’d love to believe that me and mr B will be reunited in eternity but somehow I don’t buy into this either . It’s a lovely thought but how on earth would we find each other - practically I mean. Where would I meet him etc and would he recognise me because I’ve changed already . In just over a year I’ve lost so much weight , don’t bother with make up haven’t done anything with my hair and I’m sure further deterioration awaits me ! He might decide he wants me as I was and then I’d be stuck wouldn’t I ? I know I’m making light of this but the practicalities of seeing each other again I think are not going to work out . I remember him vividly in my mind . I’m concerned about being alone and making poor decisions- we made all our decisions together so this house business is all new territory for me . I suppose things can be a bit more impermanent when you are renting but with trying to juggle 2 properties which may or may not be ready at quite the same time , I’m not sure what to do . I keep thinking my heart is telling me go go for the house - I’ve had as many assurances as any normal person would be happy with . Nothing is 💯 certain in life , so I think I will put my trust in the process and believe the estate agent who told me I’ll be in during April . I will just need to reassess if it goes wrong . If it were only that simple in my mind !! My brain doesn’t work like this , it’s too full of what ifs and what happens if something goes wrong etc , but sometimes you just have to make a decision and stuck with it . There are pros and cons to both options actually, it’s just a case of picking one and sticking with my decision. If my DP was here , he would have stopped my anxiety about all this by now , so I need to try to think what would HE have told me to do ? I’m going to put decision making on this in hold for a month meaning I don’t need to think about it until after Easter . This gives me time to pause . Rushing into something isn’t a good idea and my dads happy for me to stay here with him for a while longer . I will try to relax . It’s overwhelming though when the realisation hits you that you’ve literally nobody to assist you with making pretty big decisions. This is something I struggle with and I realise that I miss Mr B so much more at times like this than I do anyway . I suppose making a poor decision if you’re buying something would be more serious . It’s all about getting used to a new life that you certainly don’t want isn’t it . Like you say , grief lasts such a long time , with you at 20 years then this is potentially me grieving for the rest of my life . I need to try to take a step back and learn to go with the flow a bit more . xxx

Ladysusiei when my husband died our home became a house . It never felt like home because he wasn't there. I hear him every night at 6.30 fall through the front door and drop both of his briefcases in the porch and shout hello Whiff and I shouted hello Hubs. I was usually in the kitchen and he would come and put his arms round me and kiss me.

I didn't want to be in my kitchen at 6.30 after he died. I started to look for a new home after the children left but because of my parents and mother in law needing me I couldn't leave them. I rattled round my house never went to bed until 1-2 am and didn't sleep well. I always knew if I had a bad night as I would wake on his side of the bed. That continued until I moved. Here I do put my hand out to his side of our bed and wish him good night. But I fall asleep straight away and after visiting the loo go back to sleep no problem. Been like that from my first night here . I have a home not a bungalow.

If going back to the house you shared will it be home or a house? Without your darling man it won't feel the same . I think you lived there for a while after he died. I know how much your health suffered and explained elsewhere what happened to you. But the time you where there did it feel like home without him ? Have a good think and I think you will realise it wasn't home without him and just a house.

As hard as it is especially in the case of sudden death like what happened to your love you have to make a new present and future and it's hard . I had 13 years in my house once the children moved out even when my mom lived with me the last 18 months of her life I was still alone . Mom had cancer and dementia. Even when the children came to stay it wasn't home just a house.

Home was my husband. If your darling man was home then you need to go forward not backward. I know the flat is isolated but it will be a new start and you will have the security that you won't have leave like you did the house when the landlord decided to sell but changed his mind and going to rent again he could change his mind again.

I am glad you are with your dad have you talked about the pros and cons about both places . I know the house will be closer to your dad. But none of us know how long we will live. You are lot younger than me .

When I moved here yes my children lived not far away daughter 10 mins son 40 mins in a car. But I wanted to be independent as I had been all the years on my own . I had 2 things I wanted to do when I moved here join a craft group and sit fit class. Do both.

You say how much you have changed since being on your own . But your love will always recognise you because of the love you share. I have changed at lot as well . When Mr W died I was over 19st size 32. I now look like when we got married but with much shorter hair. I stopped wearing make up when I had my daughter only wore it if we when out somewhere special. To be honest once my daughter started to wear make up she did mine otherwise I would look like a clown 🤡. My hair is going silver grey mixed with the brown . When Mr W died his black hair had grey mixed in I had a few grey . But he was cheeky he said grey hair was distinguished in a man but old in a woman so he got a thump.

I miss my husband more as the years go by and grief never gets less not for me and can still overwhelm me after 20 years. But I am so lucky to have been so loved and love in return. Some people live their whole lives and never have that . They never find the other half of themselves. We had that aren't we lucky. But grief is the price we have to pay for loving someone so much it hurts . But we still hold on to that love and that is what will get you through everyday.

You know what your loved one would want you to do . You will always have the past but he would want you to go forward and make a new life . Like I said it's hard but like my husband made me promise live the best life you can.

He made me promise to go on holiday a year after he died so I did . I had never been on holiday on my own or even walked into a pub myself . I was 46 did a lot of firsts those 4 days and it was so hard I cried every night.

In May I am going on my first holiday since 2005. But am really looking forward to it . Hotel was booked in November as I need an assisted room , booked my train tickets and travel assistance this week. In November the tourist board sent me all details of places to visit even buses and taxi firms numbers. Plus places I can visit by train.

I hope you can see your way forward but it will take time and a different way of thinking . You have to like I and not we. And that's upsetting. But do able . 🌹

Think not like 🤦