I am a widow

💐. Whiff, I’ve just seen your post. I’m sorry your loss has hit you hard again. Try to be tender with yourself x

Thinking of you too Iam

Dear Whiff, I'm sorry I didn't see your post earlier.

It is so indescribably hard isn't it. My husband died 8 years ago. He was younger than me and only 50. It seems like only yesterday that I last spoke to him. So much of me died with him, he was such a friend and the home so full of laughter. Now it is silent.

I know what you mean about your diagnosis. Life has gone on and there is so much he doesn't know, so much you want to tell him.

What can I say except to send love from one widow to another. Thinking of you.

Whiff - it is so hard. People think we get over it, but we don't really - we find ways of living with it, but it is there at our core. Anniversaries of all kinds are both painful and precious.

Two days ago it was the 4th anniversary of my OH's death and without family around me popping in and sharing a trip to the grave, I would have found it impossible. And it is hard to register that 4 years can have gone by.

I know that your husband was young when he died and that people will think it is history for you - but I truly do understand that it is not - not at all. But he is a part of you.

Sending a hug x

My condolences to all those who are bereaved

Whiff sending you a hug

Please be kind to yourself

Sending a hug and some tlc to all who need it

Thank you for reading my post and the hugs. I feel ok today even though it would have been the anniversary of our first date in 1975.
Tuesday will be 20 years since he died but am going out for the day as I don't want to have a day like yesterday as I cried that much my eyes where sore. I woke on my husband's side of his bed this morning which I haven't done since the first couple of years after he died.

I am estranged from son his choice since May 2020 when he dumped me via email. He also dumped our side of the family. He just hope he remembered it was his dad's birthday and it will be 20 years since he died on Tuesday.

At least my daughter remembers and texted my several times yesterday to check on me. She has her own grief to contend with.

While my grief is with me everyday it just lives inside me and it overwhelmed me yesterday. It can overwhelm me at times but nothing like I felt yesterday. I don't scare easily as a lot has happened in my life before meeting and since meeting my husband and after his dead. But yesterday I was scared I haven't felt frightened since 2017 when I had jaundice and found out I could have died. I was seriously ill for 5 months and needed someone 24/7 and their was no one . Since I was 11 I have cared for people . I looked after my nan of a weekend when she was ill 2 aunts used to look after in the week. I loved my nan so it didn't seem strange.

I was born disabled but never felt it until high school when I was bullied everyday for 5 years.

My extended family never made me feel strange and different from my brother and cousins. I was lucky I had a man who loved me and my disability didn't bother him even though my father in law told me I was defective.

But because of my husband and my family our children had a normal upbringing and having a disabled mom didn't hold them back or make them targets for bullies. We taught them to fight back as I never wanted them to go through what I did.

My husband wanted me to live the best life I can and I couldn't do that until my parents and mother in law died . So only lived my life since 2019. But I live it to the full.

As usual having a ramble which probably doesn't make sense but it helps me cope writing things down.

Thank you all again so many of you it's still very early days for you all. I call first 10 years early bereavement. Like others my husband died young at 47 . He decided at Christmas 2003 when wanted to get to his birthday we promised him we would get him there. How he held on so long I don't know but like me he had a temper and was stubborn. We always knew from January 2001 he wouldn't live 5 years.as he had grade 4 malignant melanoma and had 6 tumours in the end. As those who are widowed know how lucky we are to find the other half of ourselves and to be loved and love in return. But in an instant life is never the same we still have the past but our present and future die. And it's hard making a new present and future. I had been with my husband since I was 16 and he was 18. He was and still is my world. I am still his wife and hate being classed as single as to me I will always be married.

Those of us who find out other half when young they are our world . I didn't know a life without my husband until he died. We had 29 years and married 22. But it's just as hard for those who had an independent life before meeting the other half of themselves as they become your world.

It's horrible to suddenly be on your own even with children and close family as your grief is different to theirs plus people who you thought as friends or loved ones disappear after the funeral . And other friends wives act as if you are after their husbands if they offer to do any jobs for you. As if anyone can replace the love of your life.

Until your other half dies doesn't matter if you have been together a year or 50+ or if they are same or opposite sex. The pain is the same like being torn apart. But because of the love and life together you learn to cope because you realise how lucky to have had them in the first place. Some people are lucky enough to find that other half again but I have never wanted to even look . As no one can replace my husband. And as you know they are and you are the only person in the whole world who knows the real you and you them .

Grief like love has no time limit . I still feel the rage and anger that he died but I use that for good it gets me through everyday and I try in my way to help others in anyway I can.

Talking out loud to him everyday helps me but Friday I couldn't do it think that added to how I felt. And I don't want to not talk to him ever again.

Thank you all and you are not alone with your love and sorrow. 💐♥️

Dear Whiff, I've come late to this but can't just pass by without sending you a friendly (((hug))).
All of us who have lost a soulmate will understand how, no matter how many years on, a tidal wave of grief and lonely misery can rise up from nowhere and overwhelm us.
Your words have helped many on here in the past and I think there will be many cyber-hands held out in friendship to you now. Take good care of yourself and cherish all your lovely memories of your lives together.

Iam64
I too am a widow and keep saying George’s wife I can’t bring myself to say his widow perhaps itlcome

I’m almost 16 months on from my husband’s death. I’ve fiubd that, as other posters further on in this path said, I’m still his wife and always will be. I was blessed to find such a lovely man to share my life with. I miss him with every atom of my being, I’m less raw, weep less often but still find tears flowing unexpectedly.
I’m building my new life as best I can and doing ok but, I miss my old life which was full of love, companionship, shared history and most of all, our love for our adult children, grandchildren, family and friends. I count my blessings that I still have them in my life but his absence is with me

Love to all of us as we continue to make the best of life in their absence

I’m so sorry for your loss Iam64. I felt exactly the same as you when my DH passed away - I knew I was now his widow but it just felt wrong to refer to myself in those terms. You’re still his wife and always will be, and it’s OK to think of and refer to yourself as such.

There’s so much you have to cope with right now - your whole life changes when you lose your partner, and it’s early days so it will all be very raw and strange. The best advice I had was to take things a bit at a time - one foot in front of the other and don’t look too far ahead. There’s an excellent online bereavement support group called WayUp - link is below. There are people there who are at various stages of loss and they have a wealth of experience to share. I found it a great source of support and advice. My sincere condolences 💐

Pammie1

I’m so sorry for your loss Iam64. I felt exactly the same as you when my DH passed away - I knew I was now his widow but it just felt wrong to refer to myself in those terms. You’re still his wife and always will be, and it’s OK to think of and refer to yourself as such.

There’s so much you have to cope with right now - your whole life changes when you lose your partner, and it’s early days so it will all be very raw and strange. The best advice I had was to take things a bit at a time - one foot in front of the other and don’t look too far ahead. There’s an excellent online bereavement support group called WayUp - link is below. There are people there who are at various stages of loss and they have a wealth of experience to share. I found it a great source of support and advice. My sincere condolences 💐

Oops, sorry, forgot the link. Here it is.

way-up.co.uk/

Thank you Pammiel.

I drop in to WayUp now and again. The members are supportive and kind.

💐 sincere condolences to you and your girls. They will support you through this very difficult and sad time.
Gransnet can help too. There are many on here who have been in your shoes and will help to reassure you and offer advice when you need it

Woke up in tears at 4 for some unknown reason was having a dream about zombies. I ask you zombies I'm 65 not 15. No point in going back to sleep as my alarm is set for 5 as I have to start taking my tablets then.

Would have been nice to have dreamt about my husband it's not as if he was one of the zombies .

Going out for the day as I don't want to stay it. It's 20 years since he died still remember the exact time 1.27pm. Still remembering my daughter running out of the room and my son standing there frozen . I had kissed my husband for the last time just before I told him to stop fighting and we would be ok. So he was still alive . I know some people kiss their loved ones once dead but never could do that.

I remember my mother in law doing that when we went to see my father in law in the morgue at the hospital and I was horrified.

I told my son to leave and I couldn't cover my husband's face. I can't remember phoning the doctors and funeral directors it was like a dream . The district nurses came straight away and told us to have something to eat and drink . Remember making tea and toast while they washed and laid him out. The doctor came just after 3 and then the funeral directors arrived a few minutes after he went when I called again.

They where so kind and I remember them asking if we wanted to say goodbye but we had already when he was alive. They said close the living room door and said they would be back once they had taken his body back. They were very quick and if course there was a form to sign. Always paperwork even for the dead.

Once my husband left our home that was it . I know some people like to see their loved one at the funeral home but not us. It wasn't him just a body.

I had given the funeral directors strict instructions no one was to see him . His mother tired even though I told her no one was allowed. She never cared for him before death so why did she want to bother after he died. After the funeral she told people she never had a son or got grandchildren. She said it in my hearing and that of my mom and brother.

I hated that woman for 40 years but still looked after her . As without her I wouldn't have had my husband and she was the children's nan . They always keep in touch with her . She refused to go too their weddings. What grandmother does that?

My father in law had died in 1988 aged 70 , my dad 2007 3 years after my husband aged 80, my mother in law 2015 aged 91 and my mom 2017 aged 90.

I cried at both the children's weddings as the 2 men who should have been there my husband and dad weren't. But my mom had a ball. Danced until 1.30am at my daughter's wedding then stood on the steps outside the venue singing her heart out with a load of drunken Scousers. Mom was sobber . When my son got married 4 years later she danced until 10.30 . And at my brother's wedding in 2016 but only until 9.30. She had cancer and dementia but that day she was as sharp as she always had been . Next day back to how she became.

Funny thinking about how clear headed mom was that day.It will be her anniversary on the 11th of this month . But like with my husband it was a relief when mom died. As her mind had died 4 months before her body did.

Writing this down has chased the zombies away.

At lot of you it's still very early days but as long as we remember our loved ones they live on in our minds and hearts . Thinking about you all today and know you are not alone with your grief . 💐

💐Whiff. Enjoy your day out. I get days when I think I can’t cope, it doesn't have to be an anniversary, I have occasionally thought I can’t do this anymore. Then I do as you do, take myself out and know I was lucky to have had him in my life. It made everything so much harder when my d estranged me, but now I’m almost at peace with it, I keep telling myself it’s her life and hope she’s happy.
To everyone especially like Iam in the early days of loss a big supportive hug. I don’t think of myself as a widow except when I tick a box on a form, I’m still a wife in my head and always will be.

There is a beautiful John Donne poem, entitled, not very originally, Song. It starts “Sweetest love, I do not go for weariness of thee” and concludes
“But think that we
Are but turned aside to sleep;
They who one another keep
Alive, ne’er parted are,”

Do look it up - it speaks to me so much, though Donne was merely writing about lovers being temporarily parted, I find that keeping DH alive in my mind so helpful.

It’s a beautiful poem GrannySometset, thank you

GrannySomerset lovely prom. I went out on the 6th did shed a few tears before I went but nothing like the sodden mess I was on Friday. Had a lovely brunch at a local village I got to via local train . Got soaked but glad I went out. Went into a lovely wine shop and looked at all the single malts as that was my husband's favourite tipple. And thought about which one I would have brought him for his birthday . Which made me smile. Once home just thought about the mad cap things he did but also the love and life we shared. He was no angel but neither am I. We both have tempers and stubborn. The children followed us in that respect . I said the house should be called Bedlam . He was and still is the love of my life the other half of me. He could be a bugger at times but he was mine . Only hope my estranged son remembered my daughter never forgets.
Went to a garden centre yesterday for lunch with her and her youngest who's 3 and of course we had to try out all the sheds .

Once home she changed my bed for me he put the bedding in the washing machine and switched it on .And he loves my carpet sweeper so was using it.

Next week it's half term and going to the theatre with my daughter and the boys to see the Tiger who came to tea. I like the film version so looking forward to seeing it on stage.

So got through anyone year of anniversary for his birthday,date of our first date and his death. May would have been our wedding anniversary but I always think about all the things that went wrong that day it could have ended in disaster but everyone agreed it was a wonderful day and everyone had plenty to eat and drink. It was 1981 we catered for it ourselves and hired the church hall..Free bar as we got engaged when I was 18 and married at 23 my husband was 24. So my parents had years to collect spirts when they where cheap plus all my dad's home made wines and we had party sevens . Dad made a punch of his wines and put a bottle of brandy in it. Only my husband,me and my parents were sober. As I remember sweeping the hall at midnight with my mom while my husband and dad put all the tables and chairs away . And we made sure every was clean. Still makes me laugh doing that on my wedding night. Happy memories.

Sending you my deepest sympathy .
I'm so sorry for your loss . 💐

I am a widow. My partner died so suddenly and unexpectedly in January 2023 , I didn’t say goodbye. I fact so many things were not done . The only thing I’m pleased about is that we shared unconditional love right up until the second he died . We had our times of course when we disagreed , but our love is irreplaceable. The day he died I hugged him close and told him I was proud he was seeing a doctor. We thought he’d hurt himself falling downstairs, very sadly this pain was a lethal heart condition which we knew nothing about. No symptoms, nothing he was incredibly fit and active right up until that last day . He was 59 and I was 58 and we had been together ( for the second time ) for 20 years . We knew each other for 40 years and I will always think that we meant so much to each other right through that time not simply the last 20. He is the love of my life and nobody will ever replace him . I dont really know why I post on here about my wonderful man Baz but I felt he needed to be mentioned. I’m not the same as when he was here - I will always be waiting to join him , for eternity. I’ve fallen out with my son and like *Whiff
* I fear estrangement. I think there’s hope for us though , so I will try to be positive on this . His wife is expecting my first GC and it’s been a difficult pregnancy, combined with me being in mourning and this has led to tension and miscommunication. I’m shocked just how much a death can rock the whole foundations of family - I would never have expected this but there we go . I feel a sense of detachment from my loss at the moment and I’ve stopped crying . This certainly doesn’t mean I’ve stopped missing my man . No , my love is as strong as it ever was , I think I’ve put up a protective barrier to deal with the shock of realising my life has been snatched away . I sometimes feel angry. Why did he leave me , especially leave me so unprepared to make decisions and deal with life . But he didn’t have a choice did he . Somehow fate intervened in the cruelest way and Baz was no more . I’m devastated.?

Ladysusiei I am so sorry you didn't become a couple 40 years ago but had 20 years will your partner. I have said before when the love of your life takes their last breath half of you dies as well. The 2 of you made a whole. When they die not only do you lose them but your present and future. We always have the past but it's so hard suddenly to just be one person instead of 2. Sudden death you had to face is the worst kind. You had no time to prepare yourself. But saying that we always knew my husband would die and having to tell him to stop struggling because he couldn't breath was the hardest thing I have ever done. I had to let him go . And no a single day of the last 20 years I haven't wished to have him back fit and healthy.

Not only have you to face the shock of your partner's sudden death but then before you can get over the shock but you have a whole host of decisions to make on your own. Even if you have family help it's you who has to make the final decisions. Then there's all the paperwork and funeral and solicitors to deal with. When really you want to curl up into a ball and cry until you are exhausted and shut the world out . But you can't.

I still after 20 years feel the rage and anger at my husband's death. But I use that rage and anger to get me through everyday . I talk out loud to him everyday and shout at him for dieing but then I see him with that stupid grin on his face..

In my old house I heard him drop both his briefcases in the porch at 6.30 every week night and shout hello Whiff and I would shout hello Hubs. Hence my user name .

I had been with my husband since I was 16 he was 18. I had no life from then not as a couple until he died. I had to find a life but because of family members needing me until they died I had no life.

My husband was a wise man he knew what I needed to live without him and it was a series of promises the most important one was to live the best life I can. He died in 2004 it wasn't until 2019 I could and that's because I moved over 100 miles from where we lived.

I have had to do a lot of firsts like anyone in a long term relationship and it's hard. But because of their love for us and ours for them you do it. But it takes time years infact. Even know grief can overwhelm me and take me back to when he first died..

Ladysusiei you need to take time to grief only do what you need to do. Don't try and be brave I did that and it only hurt more. People say time heals but in my experience it doesn't. You just learn to cope .

Grieve as much as you want and use that anger to get you through each day. And look after yourself as grief has a knock on effect of making any health problems you have worse.. I speak from experience. 💐