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Bereavement

Hope you don't think I am crass, but I do need advice

(207 Posts)
grandtanteJE65 Tue 15-Aug-23 12:15:51

Yesterday we were hit by the bombshell: my husband presumablly has a malign tumour and the prognosis is not good.

He quite understandably has managed to understand the doctor's words much more favourably than I did, and I do realise that this is a coping strategy that he is using to find the strenght to fight the cancer.

I have no desire to undermine his efforts, but these include refusing to discuss the subject and initially asking me not to tell anyone - son, SILs friends etc. although he later agreed that I need someone to talk to about this.

So please, if any of you who have been the healthy partner in a marriage that looks like being dissolved by death very soon, can you give me any pointers?

How do I balance his needs with mine?
How do I help him best?
And how do I find the strength to smile "Although my heart is breaking"

I am looking at support groups right now, but as we don't live in the UK, you don't need to suggest any by name, as we have different ones here.

I know I married him for better or for worse, in sickness and in health, and I know we are both shell-shocked right now. and the prognosis may not look so dire on Friday when the biopsy report is in, but I need to soldier on without weeping, as obviously that distresses my husband and does me no good either.

annsixty Tue 07-Nov-23 13:57:14

NfkDumpling I hadn’t seen before that your DH had died and I send my condolences.
We are both long-standing members and in our time have seen many of us come to be members of “the club”.
Kindest thought to you and your family.

Bella23 Tue 07-Nov-23 15:33:24

NfkDumpling

Whiff

Here's something silly that might make you smile . It's supposed to be a reindeer key ring.

I'll take your word for that! I'm afraid my mind saw something else!

(I've just figured out what what RTFT means - I think!)

Something rude and rather phallic the last thing you want when you have just lost your DH.

Whiff Tue 07-Nov-23 20:35:15

One of my craft group posted it on our what's app group. She had seen it online. I was the first to say to put it politely a man's dangly bits. ( I said the rude version)

There is a pelican crossing I use every week someone has draw his dangly bits on the red man But nothing on the green man who is striding. I wish I had the courage to draw them on then they would match .Think I am a bit old to start vandalising anything at 65.

Even though we are grieving life can be fun . And I know my husband would want me to laugh . Not long after he died I read a report saying people who live alone don't laugh when alone . Which is rubbish. I laugh even if it's at myself when I do something odd.

Whiff Tue 07-Nov-23 21:00:52

I made this as I cross stitch and it makes me smile every time I look at it. My dancing days where over when my health got worse when I was 29. But my parents danced 4 times a week until my dad's last 6 months. He always wore a flat cap.

Smiling and laughing is important I realised that not long after my husband died and the grief was overwhelming. When I had cried that much my chest hurt and my nose and eyes where sore from wiping them . It's not wrong to laugh or just smile especially at memories my husband was a kultz and couldn't wash the car without cutting himself.

That's why I said think of something to make you smile it's hard but it gives you a few minutes of peace from the pain of grief.

But this is my own experience everyone is different but everything you feel and everything you do there is no right or wrong. Don't let anyone tell you different. You do what's best for you .

I ramble and probably don't make much sense but that's me in real life.

Scribbles Wed 08-Nov-23 00:36:06

Whiff, that cross stitch is lovely. It certainly made me smile.

NfkDumpling Thu 23-Nov-23 12:37:43

annsixty

NfkDumpling I hadn’t seen before that your DH had died and I send my condolences.
We are both long-standing members and in our time have seen many of us come to be members of “the club”.
Kindest thought to you and your family.

Thank you Annsixty. I am so fortunate in my family and good friends. It is indeed a club, a widespread one of mainly women who give so much support and empathy. Life is very, very different.