Hope you don't think I am crass, but I do need advice

Germanshepherdsmum

We have now had two instances of people not RTFT, in the circumstances it’s very upsetting that they haven’t bothered to do so.

Yes and when in the early hours of the morning I realised how upsetting my post would appear I tried very hard to have it removed. Unfortunately GNHQ ignored my repeated requests. There seems to be no way on here to correct a mistake unlike on Mumsnet when you have a little time to edit. And most other social media where you can delete a post.

Don’t worry, I wasn’t referring to you.

I rarely post without RTFT. I’d never post on a sensitive thread like this one without reading every previous comment

grandtanteJE65 sorry only just read of the death of your husband. I am very sorry but glad he saw his son and you where with him.

Your husband sounded like my husband when you said he couldn't live a tolerable life with cancer. Bet your husband was like mine on the go all the time and proud to take care of his family and ready to help anyone who needed it . What I call a man's man .

As I wrote before my husband never wanted anyone to know he would not live 5 years after the diagnosis and the cancer removed . Only the children and I knew. But it was he's choice .

I bet your husband was like mine he didn't want to be seen as different . He still wanted to be himself and be treated as he always was. Not as my husband said people would treat him as dead man walking . Which happened when he was terminal. So he cut some people out of his life. He was proud and still wanted us to be as we always where. As we had always argued about stupid things never any important we still did.

My husband saw the 6 tumours as a blackness eating him alive and he hated it . Palliative chemo robbed him of the 2 things he loved taste as he loved food and became impotent. He cried he was dieing and couldn't make love to me.

Cancer robbed your and my husband of the men they where.

You may feel how I do the moment your darling husband took his last breath you lost half of yourself. As you made a whole. Together you completed eachother. The only person in the whole world who knew the real you and you him . And a love like that never dies . But I hope you feel as I do to be so loved and love in return we where lucky . As some people can live their whole lives and never have that. That's why it's so hard when the one person you want and need dies.

Love like that never dies and it's very early days for you . But as much as you want to curl up in a ball and shut the world out . I know that's what I wanted to do but couldn't. My husband was a wise man and thing your husband was the same. My husband made me promise lot of things the main one was life your life to the full. But I couldn't do that until I moved here in 2019.

It's hard I didn't want to bother getting washed and brush my teeth but made myself do it. It would have let my husband down if I didn't.

It's important you look after yourself I know you probably don't want to bother but what would your husband want you to do.

I don't know if you have felt the rage and anger at him dieing but it's all part of grief. Nearly 20 years on I still feel that rage and anger but use it to keep me going everyday.

Grief like love is individual. But I would say don't hold your feelings in cry ,shout ,swear or hit a pillow. Whatever you need. I talk out loud to my husband everyday . I have swore at him even blamed him for dieing but I then see him with that stupid grin on his face and feel better.

Unfortunately you will soon find out who your real friends are and not just friends but some relatives as they disappear one the funeral is over.

I slept with a cuddly snowman for 8 months to hold onto something. Nearly 20 years on still hate the empty bed. If there is something of your husband's that gives you comfort something he wore either after shave or a jumper then use them . Take comfort from them. 💐

You won’t be looking in to GN today Grandtante but I am sure everybody joins me in sending and our love and support on this hardest of days
Thinking of you xx

Message withdrawn by GNHQ.

?????

@Tink - have you read this thread?

I can’t believe this is still happening. I have asked GN if they can post on the thread in the hope of preventing more grossly insensitive remarks by people who don’t RTFT.

Thinking of you grandtante and sending you love. 💐

I am so very sorry grandtante, may he rest in peace

Perhaps I am extra sensitive as it is 6 years today that Paw was admitted to hospital for the final time, but on behalf of Grandtante and anybody else suffering such crass comments - please, please - read, think and then post- in that order.
I just hope GT doesn’t see this - as her DH’s funeral is/was today, I hope she is surrounded by her family and GN is the last thing on her mind

Thinking of you Grandtante.

Grandtante sending condolences to you and your family and may your dear husband rest in peace.

Take care of yourself x

I'm thinking of you Grandtante I'm so terribly sorry for your great loss. 💐

My thoughts are with you*Grandtante*, sending you and your family my love

Thinking of you today, Grandtante.

grandtante
Just sending you a hug 🤗 x

Thinking of you, grandtante. I’m so sorry to read of your sad loss and wish you strength for the days to come.

Sending you big hugs on the sad day grandtante.

So very sorry for your loss, my thoughts are with you.

My DH died in July so I've only just seen this thread and want to send the biggest of gentle hugs to grandtante. Be kind to yourself - and don't forget to eat!

And thank you so much for your post Whiff, it rang so true.

NfkDumpling glad my post helped.

I didn't see the post by Tink but it must have been some horrible to write on a bereavement thread. Why do people do that . Grief is all consuming without horrible remarks.

My husband's mom was bad enough after he died she told everyone she hadn't got a son or grandchildren. My in laws where vile people. But my husband never gave up on them as he loved them but didn't like them. They looked after him but never gave him love and attention . He got that from my family.

Even though I hate my mother in law I looked after her because she was my husband's mom and the children's nan. They never gave up on her either. Even though she denied they existed. She refused to go too theirs weddings but went to her nephews. She had no excuse for her behaviour as she still had her marbles when she died 11 years after her son aged 91.

I was her emergency contact and down as next of kin and sat but her bedside the last 2 days of her life 15 hours each day. A nurse said you must love her but told her I hated her but couldn't not be there. As soon as she died her brother and sister in law turned up.

I haven't told you that to make myself out to be a saint but to show even family members can be horrible without complete strangers posting horrible things here.

I did what I did because of my love for my husband. He only asked me to keep an eye on his mom . Don't think he meant me to do all the things I did for her for 11 years . But she was family and I was brought up with a strong sense of family . And I couldn't have turned my back on her. That would have been cruel in my eyes.

To all those who are grieving while it can be overwhelming even years later it can suddenly hit you. Hold on the love and life you had with your loved one . Even the bad times. And try and think of something they did which will make you smile no matter how silly. I promise it does help may not for long but as the days and weeks turn into months the grief doesn't get easier well that's my experience but you start to learn to cope. Love and grief will be your constant companion. But with love there would be no grief so it's a price we all have to pay to love someone completely the other half of yourself. 💐

Here's something silly that might make you smile . It's supposed to be a reindeer key ring.

The posts weren’t anything nasty, it was just that the posters hadn’t read the full thread and were responding to the original post, not knowing that grandtante had posted to say that her husband had sadly passed away.

Whiff

Here's something silly that might make you smile . It's supposed to be a reindeer key ring.

I'll take your word for that! I'm afraid my mind saw something else!

(I've just figured out what what RTFT means - I think!)