My husband and I don't want a funeral when we die

M0nica

It is of no interest to me what happens to me after I die. I will not be around to know whay happens.

However, I have children and grandchildren whom I love dearly and I believe love me too, and therefore when i die I wish them to make the decisions about how my obsequies should be conducted so that they can tailor them to suit the form that brings them most peace and consolation.

Surely the ultimate selfishness is to deprive those who, hopefully, love you best, from being able to part from you after death in the manner that will most assuage their grief.

I take issue with your last paragraph. I have discussed my wishes with my children and we are all in agreement…

One of my oldest friends whom I worked with died last year. I also lost my cousin. Both had this direct cremation service. I was very sad I could not say a last goodbye or pay my respects. In my friend's case her family decided no funeral, but have no idea if this was my friend's final wishes. My cousin, yes, she just wanted the cremation, but, she had had a very bad experience with religion. As people say here, if it's their final wishes, you have to respect that. It doesn't mean that the bereaved stop wishing they'd had a chance to pay their respects. Colleagues that I worked with, some were awful upset that there was no funeral for my friend and we had all worked together a long time.However, it seems to be the way of things. My husband and I have decided to both have funerals, he comes from a very large family, but even so. I just want my children and grandchild to be able to say goodbye. For us ceremony is important, but it's only our personal choice after much discussion.

I'm not really arsed about what happens once I'm dead - I won't be here, will I? I think the funeral business is an extortion racket, practically blackmailing any grieving relatives into allowing themselves to be fleeced on the premise "only the best for your loved ones, surely", and silently challenging them to be bold enough to query the eye-watering costs.

They won't, of course. They're too emotionally drained.

I've instructed my tribe to just do it as cheaply as possible, whatever. Anyway, it'll have to be a cremation as our corporation cemetery has reached capacity.

Funerals are for the living and for me, an important part of the love shared between the deceased and those left behind. My husband was buried in our woodland resting place, in the plot near an oak tree that he chose during the period after terminal diagnosis. The funeral service and the reception afterwords remain an important part of our lives.
My brother in law is coming to the end of his life. He and my sister making the most of this time and, yes, planning his funeral.
Each to their own but funerals are imo an important part of grief

Shinamae you just prove my point. Your decision was discussed through with your children and took account of what they wanted and felt.

My husband and I are not having a funeral either.
My son and daughter will have enough to sort out without having to organise a funeral too.
We don’t have friends and my elderly cousins will either predecease us or be too frail to attend.
I have attended over 20 funerals and found most of them very embarrassing. On many occasions the full name was used even though they had never been known by it. Also anecdotes were quoted which would only have meaning for the immediate family.

After much research we opted for and purchased a double plot in a decommissioned church yard right by the sea where the sea already encroaches right up to the wall at times. We are both water signs so that seemed very fitting. Any 'ceremony' will be close family only with cash set aside for a gathering at a later date given distances involved. We are content as are the children.

I will need to sort out a direct cremation for myself. I will have no family to attend, so it is pointless me having a 'normal' funeral.

Yongy

Once any useful body parts have been removed we are to be cremated. If our family wish to have a party to remember us that is up to them.

Do other members of this forum not wish to have a funeral either?

It is your right to decide what you want, but if you have not already done so, do please tell your immediate family what you have decided, so it does not come as a shock to them.

My late husband had a small service with the people who attended having requested to attend. The servicecwas held at the undertakers in a beautiful room. Myself and sons wrote tge service and chose the music to be played along with photos displayed.Those who attended were invited to a reception in a hotel tgat had a special meaning for us as a family. No attendance at crematorium. Undertaker collected ashes which I later scattered at the ssme place we had scattered DDs ashes 3 years previously. I want the same; when I'm gone, I'm gone.

MissAdventure

petra

Both of us have signed up to have our bodies donated.
They keep the body for 3 yrs and then ask the family if they wish it to be returned to them.
One daughter won’t talk about it but the other 2 don’t want it.

I'm worried they wouldnt want my body.
Then nobody would want me!!

Oh bless you, MissAdventure! That brought tears to my eyes. I have read lots of your posts and you sound far too nice not to be wanted!

I will be having a funeral and so will my husband. I lost a good friend, there was no funeral and a bit of upset about it. For a long time I found it difficult as in the latter years of my friends life, she had a difficult illness and didn't want visitors. Still feel we got no last chance to say goodbye, but people must do what's right for them.

Think it was last year or the year before I told my daughter I don't want a funeral . She said no I want a funeral so said ok I will pay for it now. She said no it's her responsibility when I die and to spend my money on what I want while alive.

We are atheist's and she knows no flowers like we had at my husband's. We just said if anyone wanted to donate it would go to the cancer ward that treated my husband for treats for the patients like a fan ,bottle of spirits or wine ,what ever they wanted not big things like holidays but a treat that would help them feel better. When you are dieing and leaving a family behind people we found didn't want to waste money on treats that they would like . We raised about £5,000 or just over can't remember the exact amount it's been 21 years since my husband died.

The funeral director had come to see us and did the eulogy but it was all about my husband's life it was exactly as we wanted no religion. Franz Fernand song to go into , Damien Rice for the committal and ELO's Mr Blue Sky to leave which was ironic as it was raining.

It will only be a few people anyway as my son decided to estranged not just me being all our side of the family from his and my 3 grandson's life. He's choice and will never know why . He did it via email and follow up letter. No reasons just name calling. And he will never know when I die.

I am now 66 but have no intention of popping my clogs just yet. Have my daughter and family. And had instructions from her I have to see my 2 grandsons grow up . They are 7 and 4.

It seems very controlling to dictate what happens when you are dead. It makes no difference to the deceased so I will let my kids do what they want. My husband is insisting that he has no funeral, any sort of get together to mark his life. It upsets me but he won't budge. Whose feelings are more important? A dead man or grieving widow.

I will organise my funeral so it's one less chore for my daughter to have to do. I already do a Swedish Death Clean every spring to reduce the amount of stuff she has to go through.
It is my life and my death, so I feel that I should have a say about it!

Yongy

Once any useful body parts have been removed we are to be cremated. If our family wish to have a party to remember us that is up to them.

Do other members of this forum not wish to have a funeral either?

I simply don't care. And I don't understand why people think about (even worry about) what happens after they die. My loved ones can bury me, cremate what's left after any useful bits have been taken, feed me to vultures..... whatever!

They all know this. It's up to them.

Rites of passage are good for us as human beings, families and inter genera tional communities. Every non-Western culture (as well as religion) observes such rituals- they provide structure and focus and belonging to our life events- births, marriages, deaths, seasons, and everything in between.... its just secular individualism that decides not to care. Our young people need us to provide signposts on how to live a life of meaning.

Should say my husbands ashes are in a nice wooden box in my wardrobe. Even when I moved 5.5 years his ashes went back into the same wardrobe. He died in 2004 .Our daughter will scatter us together. Where ever she wants. I held on to my dad's ashes for 10 years . When mom died my brother and I scattered both ashes mixing them together by the hut they used to have a picnic in by the river Severn . This was in 2017 . We did it at dusk and most went on the river bank and few blew into the river. Like to think their ashes helped
wild flowers grow on the bank. I know we weren't supposed to do it but it's what they both wanted.

Mom and dad believed they would be together again . They where Christians but didn't believe in going to church. Dad's only stipulated for his funeral no woman vicar as they talk to much. My daughter did the eulogy all about picnics their grandparents took them on . I have 2 children my brother 3. Mom wanted just large flower arrangement on dad's coffin with messages from just close family . We did the same for mom. Dad wasn't bothered about what music or hymens and we chose them together ,but mom want lord of the dance at her's as they met dancing and danced 3-4 times a week from when they where courting until dad's last year. Ballroom and sequence dancing . She never wanted to dance that way without dad. But did like to jiggle at weddings .

Shinamae

M0nica

It is of no interest to me what happens to me after I die. I will not be around to know whay happens.

However, I have children and grandchildren whom I love dearly and I believe love me too, and therefore when i die I wish them to make the decisions about how my obsequies should be conducted so that they can tailor them to suit the form that brings them most peace and consolation.

Surely the ultimate selfishness is to deprive those who, hopefully, love you best, from being able to part from you after death in the manner that will most assuage their grief.

I take issue with your last paragraph. I have discussed my wishes with my children and we are all in agreement…

Me too. And I agree about the Funeral business putting huge pressure on families to spend far too much, and use rare commodities like exotic woods with toxic varnishes, precious metals and silks, etc, which is an ecological disaster.

We have discussed our wishes with our children and we all agree. Simple coffin out of local spruce without varnish, cotton lining, small wooden handles, and local burial where we still have space. Cremation is not ecological and takes huge amounts of energy. Funerals are for the living if the deceased has not made clear requests beforehand. If they have, not going with their request would be the ultimate form of disrespect.

🤦🤦🤦🤦🤦🤦 I put hymens not hymns. Two totally different things . Sorry if I offended anyone. But those that know me I do sometimes write the wrong word. In my mind it's correct but what I type is something totally different but it doesn't register when I preview it. Or at times my finger will press post then find out I have written nonsense🤷🤷🤷🤦

I too am leaving it up to those I leave behind. Whatever gives them peace of mind.
If it's up to me then I agree with the OP, direct cremation and spend the money on a celebration rather than a service.

We will have direct cremations. Our only close relations are our sons and none of us are religious. My wider family and parents had large church funerals and wakes attended by people who had shown no interest in supporting or contacting them when they were alive. In particular two of my cousins came from Canada for her funeral, she would have been so happy to have seen them and spent some time together a couple of years earlier instead of that pointless gesture.

Franski

Rites of passage are good for us as human beings, families and inter genera tional communities. Every non-Western culture (as well as religion) observes such rituals- they provide structure and focus and belonging to our life events- births, marriages, deaths, seasons, and everything in between.... its just secular individualism that decides not to care. Our young people need us to provide signposts on how to live a life of meaning.

Exactly so Franski

I agree with his too.
I believe these “rites” have evolved from a deep emotional and psychological need and those who have suffered the loss of someone they love will know what I mean.
The “rituals” are not a straitjacket, but rather can provide a framework helping to support you when you may be floundering.
However, to each their own.
OP makes her point, and that’s fine for her, it would not have been for me and planning DH’s funeral to be the best we could make it and burying him in our peaceful village churchyard among friends and neighbours of old was and is a source of ongoing comfort to me.

“This” not “his “