Missing someone

Anyone les find that the clocks going back has made them more gloomy. I’m finding it really hard to be in any way positive especially with Christmas approaching. The more jolly my surroundings the sadder I feel. Sending love to all x

Doodle you are bound to feel this way . It's only natural. Its your first Christmas without your husband. My husband loved Christmas it was his favourite time of the year so I made sure to put the tree up . The children where home but we had a different Christmas lunch as we didn't feel like our normal one that we had with their dad. I still did the baked gammon for Christmas eve like we always had. The children wanted to keep that . I made a pact with myself that I could feel sad and cry Christmas eve but not Christmas day I felt I owed it to my husband.

Before we married he wouldn't do any Christmas shopping for presents until Christmas eve cured him of that silliness. But once we had our daughter he went out Christmas eve and brought her a secret present from him and did it for our son. He did it every year until 2003 when he was to ill to go out. I offered to go for him but he said no it wouldn't be the same . So gave the children some money.

I know you won't want to put up your tree but please do and go to church as I know you get comfort from your religion. Because you had such a long time with your darling husband it's harder for you . But think about what he would say to you yes it will be upsetting but you knew eachother so well it's as if you could read eachothers thoughts .

Being widowed at 45 I didn't have time for myself the children where home for 2 years but once they left . My son only came home for one Christmas and made excuses not to come . As you know I am estranged from my son and knew he lied but he always came for 3 days over the new year. My daughter came at Christmas on 23rd left 27th. That continued until they brought their first house 6 weeks before Christmas. So had my first Christmas on my own and to be honest had a nice time. After that my daughter came for me on 23rd and brought me home 27th. I alternated between having Christmas day with my daughter and son in law and my son and daughter in law. And same boxing day.
But I always put my tree up first weekend of December like we always did and took it down on new year's
day . When my husband was alive we took it down the 2nd.

I like the dark nights and closing the curtains shut I feel cosy and feel my husband with me more .

When I moved here was supposed to have Christmas day with my son and family at their house but he made an excuse and said I will come for you boxing day but he changed it that they would come to me and bring all the food. My daughter in law didn't speak to me unless I asked a question. But I was just happy I was with them. If they hoped to ruin Christmas for me they failed. I had Christmas day with my daughter and family. And have ever since but I don't expect to but she says of course you will be with us. Her in laws alternate between Christmas day with them and their daughter and family.

Grief is all consuming and never gets easier firsts are hard but so are seconds and even 21st's . But you are not alone you can say whatever you want here and never be judged or thought weak . As we are going through the same thing just different stages of time.

For parents grieving for their children it's worse . And I wouldn't insult any parent by saying I know what you are feeling . Because I don't. But it must be harder for you to cope with .

Doodle as I have said many times before grief and finding the other half of yourself is the price we pay for such love and completeness. But for all it hurts it's a price I am glad to pay . To know I was loved and loved in return. I was lucky I had my husband as long as I did .

Doodle love is worth the grief . But it's still very new to you. 💝

Doodle, my husband died 8th December last year, the funeral was 28th December. Christmas was just a blur. Really not looking forward to Christmas this year. I have been gloomy this week since the clocks went back. My best wishes to you, and also to Whiff.

Best wishes to all going through pain. It’s really harder than anyone can imagine.

Thanks adrisco and whywhywhy.
Whiff I can’t imagine how you coped with children to take care of. At least if I need to cry I can just do it.
Thinking of all bereaved. Christmas will be hard. x

adrisco ever year I always thought how awful for people who have loved ones died in December. For you and your loved ones last Christmas must have been awful knowing as soon as it was over you had a funeral to face . I don't really know what I can say as nothing will ever make your life the same or easier . Any significant date is hard and in my experience gets harder every year that goes by . I hope you have some young children in your family that can make Christmas a time of joy even for a short time . When I put my tree up since I moved here I put the lights on and the few breakable ornaments and my grandsons them decorated it . And every year I see my husband standing by the tree with his stupid grin on his face . I am an atheist but it gives me comfort seeing him . It's like if I have a rant at him etc I see him and in my mind I hear him saying feeling better. I lost his voice the moment he died and have no videos or anything with his voice but know how he phrased things .

Doodle our children weren't little unlike some on this thread. They where 17 and 13 when we had to tell them their dad wouldn't live 5 years. And 20 and 16 when he died. But it was still very hard on them watching him die. We had a lilac tree in our garden my husband always said he was going to remove it as neither of us liked it but he never had time. He died on the Friday and when I woke on the Monday after high winds during the night the lilac trees trunk had broken and it was on the lawn. My son wearing goggles spent the week chopping it to bits as a way of coping . It ended up in tiny pieces . Broke my heart seeing him spending hours each day chopping it even in the rain and snow . Only wish I had had that same sort of outlet but kept everything inside until I was alone usually in bed when I could finally let go. I was a fool but I knew nothing of bone crushing grief until then.

Nothing prepares you for overwhelming love then the grief you feel when it's taken away . Your whole world changes in a second you not only have grief to cope with but I felt lost . I didn't know who I was anymore sounds odd I know but I still remember feeling that way . I went from having a life to just existing and felt that way until I moved here took me 15 years to have a life again . I now live it to the full like my husband always wanted for me.

Having others dependant on me made my life harder looking back as I couldn't give my grief full rein . Which I know made things harder but I couldn't not do all the things I did but I paid a heavy price for it . But I would still do it the same way as I am the same person.

We all have a moral code we live with it's what gives us the strength we need to do the things when we don't want to . As much as I wanted to shut the world out and just grieve in peace I couldn't.

I hope you all can do that for a while and give your grief full rein as I would hate anyone to do what I had to . Grief isn't just an emotional pain but it hurts physically as well . Well that's how I felt and still feel.

I'm glad this time has passed.
Grandsons birthday, a week after my girl died.

I know "they" say don't borrow tomorrow's worries today, but my mind keeps thinking about next year; it'll be his 18th.

Miss A you are bound to be thinking of your grandsons 18th as his mom has missed so much of him growing up. I think about all the things my husband has missed. He always wanted to be a grandad he would love having 5 grandsons.

The past is gone but we have to live in the present and for the future. All the things we had planned to do I can't do physically but then again it wouldn't be the same without my husband. They where our plans. Now it's just my plans.

Your grandson has you to tell him about his mom especially when she was a child . Your daughter lives on in your grandson . I hope that gives you some comfort.

Yes, you're right, Whiff, as always.
Sadly, my grandson will very rarely speak about his mum.
I just have to go with the flow.

Miss A he is a young man but he will want to know one day and look at all the photos of your daughter growing up . Might be useful if you wrote on the back where and what age she was on the back plus if she was with other people their names .

Once my disability got worse in 1988 I lost some memories they where of our courting days . I looked at photos and my husband told me when and when they where they were taken . We didn't write on the back. Now I wish we had.

I've never looked at the photos since she died, Whiff.
I occasionally will sort one out and change one of those I have in the living room.

Maybe I'll get the urge one day, but not yet.

I'm sorry for your loss FayFrank. 18 months is so fresh still. Many find the second year to be harder as well. The only advice I have is to do whatever you need to do to get through. Go easy on yourself and know that sometimes just getting through the day is enough. It's been a bit longer for me and time does make it easier, though it's always there.

Miss A sorry that was insensitive of me to suggest it.

Time does make it easier to cope but I know for me the grief gets worse as the years go by. I often wonder what my husband would look like now. He was already going grey as he had black hair,beard and moustache. He was very hairy apart from his chest and wonder if he would be grey all over . Weird I know but thoughts like that do pop into my head. But at least I can voice them here. 💐

Ooh how lovely he would have looked Whiff - like a friendly bear.

You weren't insensitive at all, more me being over sensitive.

I had a social worker round to mine a few weeks after my girl died (shutting the stable door after the horse has bolted) who told me she wanted me to do "homework" of writing out my life story, including pictures of myself and my daughter...

To see if I was fit to take on grandsons care.
She got short shrift from me, but I still feel quite traumatised by the thought of it. Bloody woman!!!

I'm feeling distinctly nasty these last few weeks.

I need to find a department of arguments, I think - get it out of my system.

Two years ago one of my dearest friends dies suddenly. We had known each other nearly 50 years, since we met at a mother and toddler group.

I was truly shocked by how devastated I was by her loss - and still remain. This year her DH died. Ours had been a family freindship and it brought all the grief back again. Both were only in their mid-70s when they died, a good 5 years younger than us.

This last week I have had a feeling of unease, there was something I should have done? would have done? in the past. Then I remembered it was my dear friend's birthday on 4th November, and of course, what I wasn't doing is buying and posting her a birthday card.

This friend is not the only friend whose death i have experienced but her death has devastated me totally, even just writing this, has brought tears to my eyes, but also her laughing face. This is how I will always remember her, laughing, as we got up to more mischief.

Thats an awful lot of years of friendship.

I think, as well, women tend to confide in each other, so there are no secrets between good women friends.

How lovely to remember her laughter, as devastating as her death has been.

I wish I had sustained a friendship for that long.

I’ve just read through this entire thread, all eleven pages of it, and it’s brought tears to my eyes, reading all the truly heartbreaking stories on here. I’m in awe of you all.

I’ve experienced the deaths of a few people over the years, but for me, the worst was losing first my dad, and six years later, my mum. Much I loved them, and miss them, and feel guilty that I should have done this or that, or not done this or that, reading about the loss of a child, or husband, is so much worse. I’ve yet to experience either of these devastating losses, and I hope I never experience the loss of one of my children or grandchildren.

I’m amazed at the resilience you all show. I’m in awe of you. You all keep putting one foot in front of the other, and you carry on. I frequently cry when I think of my parents. It was mum’s birthday on the third November and by my side are the flowers I bought in remembrance of her. I can’t put them where her and dad’s ashes are scattered because she wanted them scattered near the village where she was born, and it’s 250 miles away. My niece went and put flowers there though.

I’m so sorry that so many of you have lost your beloveds. Come back to this thread. MissA you did a wonderful thing to start this thread. It’s so needed for so many people.

Ah, it's horrible realising you've mo mum, isn't it?

I think mums are quite overlooked, and I regret not appreciating mine more, over the years, when I had the chance.

I can always picture her, on a sunny day, doing her garden, looking fit and healthy, with the cat lying next to her, watching

I think I might find a nice photo of her, and put some flowers next to it.

Miss A when you find that department let me know. As I rant at my husband but he never fights back 😥. We had some hum dingers of arguments never about anything important always something stupid and of course followed by make up sex. I know to much information 😉. I think he used to pick a fight on purpose sometimes. Think that's what really broken him . We always knew he would die . He refused to get his hair cut before palliative chemo as he said why waste £7 when it's going to fall out. Ironically the only 2 side effects he had where the 2 he didn't want . He lost his sense of taste and he loved his food not that he ever put weight on . And he became impotent. That really broke him. He said I am dieing and can't make love to you and he cried. My husband wasn't the sort of man to cry easily a man's man . No idea why that has popped into my head this morning.

MOnica your friend most likely felt like a sister to you . The one friend you could always count on and your left feels empty without her. As together you have weathered good and bad things in both of your life's. I have a best friend like that . We met at college aged 18 both 66. We live in different counties but have always been their for eachother. It will be the 2nd anniversary of her husband's death next week . Which is going to be harder than the first . But at least I know what she is going through. Even though it's been lot longer since my husband died heading towards 21 years . Real friendships like you had are precious because you choose to be friends and 50 years is a long time and you knew eachother inside and out . And your grief runs deep . Your friends husband dieing this year has brought everything back for you which has made you feel the grief as raw as when it was new.

When I friends husband died my daughter took me to the funeral. We had allowed 2.5 hours for the journey it should have only taken 90 mins but when we left here it was 0° when we got to the village it was-5° and snow everywhere. We got into the church just as the vicar started the eulogy. Sitting at the back of the church I could see her and broke my heart as she cried and I did to. When I saw her in the graveyard as it was a burial she had aged 10 years and just held eachother. No words where needed .

At the wake I made her laugh as both our husbands loved their food and said P would love this food and have his plate piled high. We had decided not to give Christmas presents that year but knowing she wouldn't have a surprise from her husband , they were never able to have children. So I made up a big hamper of all her favourite things and a rose quartz crystal for healing powers . I don't believe in it but she does . While saying goodbye to her, my daughter gave it to her nephew to put in into his boot and my daughter told him not to give it to her before the 23rd December. She still carries the quartz with her and holds it when the grief gets to much .

She said having the hamper made her feel better as she knew I did it out of love . She visited her husbands grave everyday for a year as it's what she needed, but I told her to stop and only go on special occasions as he wouldn't want her to keep doing it . She agreed .

Your friend is still with you in your mind and heart and I bet at times think what would she do or say to too you . 💐.

madelene your grief for your parents runs just as deep. Yes it's different to that of a husband or partner dieing as I felt half of me die with my husband and haven't been whole since . But the bone crushing grief a parent like Miss A and others here feel is the worst kind of grief . A grief I haven't had to face .

My dad wanted to die as he hated his own body . The Wednesday before he died mom had gone to get the pensions and he pointed at his chest and said this isn't me and I will die soon take care of your mom . I told him he knew I would and we just held eachother and cried . He died in the early hours of the Friday morning while mom slept beside him . What was worse for my mom she didn't realise he was dead. She thought he was asleep. It was only after she got dressed and walked round the bed and touched him he was cold . She phoned my brother who came for me and I had to tell her dad was dead . The only time I gave ever lied to my mom she says do dead people look like that . Dad must have had a massive heart attack by the look on his face and he died in agony and his bladder had voided. My own husband had died 3 years before at home with me and the children with the same look on his face and voided his bladder.

Mom never knew as soon as dad's body was taken away I stripped the bed and clean the little urine ,my brother flipped the mattress and we remade the bed. Dad was 80 same age as mom . If mom had died first we knew dad wouldn't have lived 6 months as he would have pined away for her.

Mom lived until she was 90 and lived the last 18 months of her life with me . Mom had cancer and dementia. Mom died 4 months before her body did. I used to hope every morning she had died in her sleep sounds wicked but it wasn't my mom anymore and the dementia made her violent . But dementia violence is out of fear mom didn't know who she was ,where or who I was she thought I was her mom . I looked after her on my own and couldn't put her into a home . I am proud of the fact when mom was bed ridden I made sure she never had a sore on her body. Mom's biggest fear was of wetting the bed so before the dementia killed her she insisted on having a towel on the pressure mattress under the sheet and wore a pad but it was only a thick tena lady. Dementia took everything from my mom but she always knew when she needed the commode and never wet or soiled herself. And went she died the pad absorbed the urine so she got her wish she never wet the bed.

I took me a year to stop thinking of the violence and remember my mom as she was .

Grief is the price we pay for love as without love you can't grieve well that's my experience. Others may differ. But I gladly pay the price as the love for my husband is as strong today as it ever was but the grief gets worse each passing year . But I am very lucky to have loved and been loved in return. The other half of eachother and the only person who knew the real me and me him . He wanted me to find someone else but told him no . He was my one and only my one true love .

Many people talk about regrettingthe things they never told their parents. I understand this but I think people are wrong.

Except in the most exceptional circumstances, if you haven't told your parenst something by the time they die, then the chances are you would never have told them.

I had a wonderful loving mother, but we came from different planets. Some time in my 40s,I gave up trying to explain to her how or why I did things and just accepted that she would never understand how my mind worked that my choices and decisions in life would always perplex her, but this never stopped her loving me and I know she worried about me, quite unnecessarily.

When our parents die, or anyone dear to us, we remember them best by accepting in life is perfect and if you had righted one problem, you wuld hv ehad others to replace it and simply remember and rejoice in all that was good in the relationship and accept the rest as adding lighht and shade to the relationship.

M0nica apology I spelt your name wrong I put O instead of 0. We had a spate of imposter posters on support thread on estrangement forum. Where they alter 0 to O and changed 2 to 7 , plus other such little alterations. It's only because of an eagle eyed poster who spotted it those posts got deleted as they where not nice to say the least.

You are right there is no such thing as perfect and if things and people where perfect what a boring world it would be .

Your friend was lucky to have had you in her life for all those decades.

My parents told us we where loved everyday ,even when mom's dementia killed her she said to me everyday I love you mom . So she still remembered what love was. We always told our children we loved them everyday. I still love my son and my 3 grandson's even the one I don't know . And tell my daughter,son in law and grandsons I love them . Do to rest of family and friends I love .

I have no regrets about my parents as I told them I loved them everyday even when mom attacked me and wrapped her in her duvet to stop her hurting herself and me. I never hated my mom just the violence but it wasn't her it was the dementia. I thought of it as a doppelganger of my mom . My husband thought of the cancer as this black thing inside him eating him alive . But we all view things that's helps us cope.

If I had found out what my disability was while my parents where alive I would never have told them it was hereditary and they where both carriers for it. As that would have been cruel . My dad blamed himself because he had Dengue fever in the army he always thought he had passed something on to me . But I always told him it was just me I was weird . Pointed out my brother was fine if it had been him we both would have been the same .

If we had our time over we would still do the same things as we are the same person. Even as we get older we do get wiser in some respects but still make mistakes it's human nature . We are flesh and blood not robots .
💐

Whiff given my numerous typos, do not apologise for your very occasional one.

Lost my brother recently and it's the most heartbreaking experience I've ever been in. I still can't bring myself to delete his messages 😭

Oh, the messages,
That feels as if you are deleting the person, I've found.

Very, very difficult: I've not managed to do it yet, even though I can't bear to read them,